To not understand why some couples have to do everything together

[cadburyegg]

I see this SO often. Examples

• both parents coming to another child's birthday party with their only child
• both parents coming to school pick up
• my ex in laws won't do anything separately - mil won't go shopping without fil
• at an info evening for reception, several children had both parents there, which meant their (often multiple children) were there too, causing disruption and making it tricky to hear what was being said
• refusing to make plans with friends at the weekend because it's "family time"
• when I was on maternity leave with DC2 I took both children out for the day and saw someone I know. She couldn't believe my bravery at taking both of the children out by myself
• on more than one occasion I have met up with a friend and their partner has also been there or has shown up half way through lunch etc, which I wasn't aware of. Totally changes the dynamic
• I see it on Mumsnet too - one person not wanting to go to a family meal and leave the other with the children

I know it's nice to have family time of course but I struggle with the idea that some people can't do anything on their own.
I'm a single parent AND an only child and so I'm used to doing things on my own with or without the children! My children are NOT easy either before anyone comments, DC1 is hypersensitive and very clingy whilst DC2 had delayed motor skills which means he still struggles with some physical stuff. So AIBU? I don't get it. I'm sure there are valid reasons but what are they?

We’re a bit like this, but we’ve only been together for three and a half years so we aren’t sick of each other yet.

We generally do the school run together at the moment, my husbands on adoption leave so we wanted to take advantage and spend as much time together while we can, once he is back at work we won’t be able to do it as much.

I agree op, it’s so annoying when there’s no seats left at a party cos loads of couples have turned up with one kid. Or this one weird couple I know who insist on bringing both boys to all parties and they must both come as well. Not sure why.

Also once a school gate mum told me her dh was going away for three weeks for work. “Ha! The remote control to yourself!” I joked. She stared at me and said, “Some of us love our husbands.” That was me told.

Id be embarrassed and asking the mods to take it down.

I have no intention of asking the mods to do any such thing. I've found most of the replies interesting, even the ones I don't agree with, because I'm capable of having a reasonable debate even if I don't agree with every point that's being said. Not sure why I'd be embarrassed to be honest.

I don't know ANY couples that have to do everything together, but looking through the list I have done most of it with my husband.... sometimes. Do you think you are just seeing couples together here and there and making assumptions they are always together? Apart from the friend thing - we don't do that, although he has picked me up from my friends when I've been drinking , does that count? And the family meal thing on mumsnet, if its a family meal does it not therefore include partners? I think codependency is a thing though absolutely, although I have people who struggle with codependency and still spend time apart from partners (It is a bit more complicated than living in each others pockets).

How do you know that for example, this isn’t the first time in ages they have got to hang out together so they are doing something seemingly mundane together? I work 9-5 and DP works odd shifts which means A we barely see each other and B the vast majority of the time things like parents evening it is only me who can go, so when DP can join he does. I also have no qualms not making plans with friends when they fall on the odd weekend DP isn’t working.

Omg 🤣🤣🤣🤣

I've often wondered this OP, but it is just different people. DP and I are the absolute opposite of what you've described. In fact I'll even attend weddings or milestone family and friends' birthdays on my own because I know it's not DP's thing at all and I'll have a great time with my friends! Maybe it's because we were happily single for a long time before we got together and just used to doing things on our own? Oh and we also learned, very early on with the DCs, that divide and conquer was key to a far easier life.

I must admit i have never ever thought anything negative about a family or married couple wanting to spend time together.

I understand if you are bitter or you dont actually enjoy your partners company then this might be difficult to understand. But even then i always imagine people have the intelect and sense to realise that its not one size fits all with families and just because they do things differently, they are not always insecure.

I love spending time with my DH, with our schedule we rarely get to do lots of the "mundane" things together.
He would love to be able to do the school run with me, i wouldn't miss out just because he wants to come as well.

He doesnt come to parties, although some children do have both parents turn up, but around here we are all quite chilled out and open, we understand that one out of the parents don't always get to see there child mixing and playing with all their friends, so it's a nice opportunity to do so as a couple. Its not any inconvenience in most cases as parents don't expect to be catered for and not many big parties happen at houses here, they hire out venues.

But OP really, just relax, live and let live, they are probably just enjoying their time together, enjoying their lives, while you are all judgy. I know which one i would prefer.

I think it's a reasonably new thing, my youngest is 17 and none of her childhood parties had both parents in attendance. From reading MN, it seems managing a child is near impossible alone and anyone who does deserves a medal. All a bit contrived; the perfect family time.

I think sometimes we can become a bit jaded about family life tbh. Things seen as chores when they don't necessarily have to be.

We actually like each other

I like doing things with my DH. Things like school pick up, why not? Normally we split them between us for childcare but if we’re off work at the same time we stroll down together, have a chat and then take the kids somewhere fun afterwards.

@cadburyegg my children are adults. He sees his son every other weekend. And there are months when I don't see him or have much contact at all.

Can't you see that for some of us the time we get with partners is precious?

I’ve been married over 40 years.
I’m not sick of my dh.
However I love to go shopping on my own, I don’t feel pressured to hurry.
Dh goes to a club that I’m not interested in.
I also visit family a lot on my own.

Why does everything have to be exciting? If DP and I are both free we both go to the supermarket because it makes the packing marginally easier, and then we can decide what to eat together rather than one person having to do all the thinking. If you're both available, why not?

I agree. Surely being in a good relationship is about enjoying the little things together? Or making the mundane a bit more fun by being together? I literally just the other day asked DH to walk to the shop with me because it makes the trip less boring 😄

Its a bit like a good friendship - I have friends who I only see when we plan something ‘exciting’. And I have two friends who I am much closer with and we will just do mundane crap a lot the time, because it’s more about each other’s company than the activity.

I’m sure there are people who are very co-dependent and it’s not so much about enjoying someone’s company rather than having issues and insecurities about being without them or being alone. That’s not healthy. But I personally don’t know anyone like that.

I think it’s odd that someone would see a couple shopping together or picking their children up from school together and then judge them as being co-dependent or unable to do things alone. Unless you know them personally how do you come to that conclusion? It’s hardly evidence they do everything together.

I don’t think you sound jealous OP as others have suggested. But you do sound unnecessarily smug, imagining you have superior levels of independence. Someone who chooses to attended a birthday party with their partner is no less independent than you are.

I know a couple like this. Fair enough they like to do things together, but when one of them arranges to go out for the night with friends the other then arranges with their friends as they don't want to sit at home alone (have three dc but loads of family who babysit for them).

I went on a hen do in a cottage and one of the attendees brought her boyfriend and child. Really ruined the mood. The bride to be asked them to leave and she was so offended. Child was 4 and very bored

Hello fellow single mum who was an only child. You know you're being unreasonable 😊

See I don’t think DH and I are joined at the hip- we do a lot of things seperately, I do semi regular weekends away with friends- but we do do quite a few things in your examples because they seem quite normal? We’re both invested in our child’s education so we both went to the information evening. DD loves it when we pick her up together so we do that whenever we’re able. We go to family meals together because we’re in the same family!

I do hate it when friends randomly bring partners to things without telling you though, never done that

I do think anyone with enough time on their hands to be bothered by other people is a bit pathetic. Such a benign thing.

Anyone who has an ishoo is clearly not happy and resents others being able to go with their partner... you're so mature and went alone, and now you're bored at parents evening, having to listen to a couple chatting away.

If it didn't work for them as a family, they wouldn't do it. So it must do, in which case, why does anyone even have an opinion?

The examples of meeting your mate with your OH, sure, that's annoying. Not being able to handle the kids alone, yep.

But school runs, parties, supermarket? None of your business.

now thats the one we do tend to do. holiday alone, seperate friends etc but always try to go to bed together. facilitates my sex life

I don't know of many couples where only one of them goes to parents evening

It's odd you think it's a bad thing.

Most will arrange baby sitters for the other kids though, as we do.

We've got one of those. He tried to invite himself to a girls' evening a few months ago, and did turn up to an advent service I'd arranged to go to with his wife. One of our other friends is a real partygiver and in those instances he does get invited. If he looked like Chris Hemsworth we wouldn't really want him there, but he is an annoying and boring character. Turns up in full Leeds united football strip, laughs at his own jokes, makes fun of other people, says something he thinks is funny and then goes "hahahahahahahaaaahhhh" at the end of whatever he's just said! We tolerate him for the sake of our friend. She has the occasional moan about him, too!

We are just about to start our girls' evening, watching Grease, Xanadu and doing nails/face masks etc. If he turns up in a John Travolta outfit I'm out the door, face mask and all.