To not understand why some couples have to do everything together

[cadburyegg]

I see this SO often. Examples

• both parents coming to another child's birthday party with their only child
• both parents coming to school pick up
• my ex in laws won't do anything separately - mil won't go shopping without fil
• at an info evening for reception, several children had both parents there, which meant their (often multiple children) were there too, causing disruption and making it tricky to hear what was being said
• refusing to make plans with friends at the weekend because it's "family time"
• when I was on maternity leave with DC2 I took both children out for the day and saw someone I know. She couldn't believe my bravery at taking both of the children out by myself
• on more than one occasion I have met up with a friend and their partner has also been there or has shown up half way through lunch etc, which I wasn't aware of. Totally changes the dynamic
• I see it on Mumsnet too - one person not wanting to go to a family meal and leave the other with the children

I know it's nice to have family time of course but I struggle with the idea that some people can't do anything on their own.
I'm a single parent AND an only child and so I'm used to doing things on my own with or without the children! My children are NOT easy either before anyone comments, DC1 is hypersensitive and very clingy whilst DC2 had delayed motor skills which means he still struggles with some physical stuff. So AIBU? I don't get it. I'm sure there are valid reasons but what are they?

Loads of us are agreeing with the OP. Have we all been in shitty relationships as well?

I didn’t devalue it. I suggested her awful relationship history may impact her view on this.

I personally don’t know any couple other than those over 75 that remotely do everything together

It can be irritating, as has been explained many times.

What's wrong with saying that?

Irritated and upset are quite different emotions. I don't think OP is crying herself to sleep about this!

I am not disagreeing with the Op

Clearly some couples do a great deal together!!

my point is - I can’t understand why the upset. Genuinely. As for impacting others - that’s not the doing everything together, that’s just rudeness as an ability to understand what is appropriate for the situation.

Nothing is “wrong” with any response on this thread!!

I'm often like this with DH. I do have anxiety though, so there's that. Possibly why there's many couples like that? I prefer to be with him, even when I'm at home. I don't think that's that odd tbh.

As usual when this subject crops up there is a core group who say, “Dh and I love each other” implying that all the other posters are in lesser unions. Upthread someone described their family as “tight” (ugh) and another claimed no one knew what having a “real connection” was like - unlike them of course.

True. These will doubtless be the ones whose daughters-in-law are posting here in a few years' time about the overbearing PiLs who let themselves into the house, demand all holiday time is expended on them and generally make themselves such a nuisance that contact is reduced or stopped altogether. Nothing much 'tight' about that. There's loving families spending time together, and there's controlling, cloying and despairing relatives consequently being unable to breathe.

I find this thread quite revealing.

I am not going to quote individual posters but some are nasty and sarcastic accusing the OP of jealousy and bitterness. Disagreeing is one thing but these spiteful insults are not necessary. They remind me of drivers who stick 2 fingers up to other drivers but wouldn’t say boo to a goose face to face.

You've used weird examples op and it sounds like you're sour because you don't have anyone to do things with.

I'm fairly independent but don't see a problem with your examples and I like seeing couples loved up and enjoying each other's company.

Having said that, I don't personally know of anyone as extreme as you suggest. Family and kid stuff together, yes. Watching sport and girls only evenings out - separate.

And weekends do tend to be family time because most people work and it is the time to do things together. Not sure why you feel offended or affronted

I agree 100%. I have posted separately about the nastiness. Glad I’m not alone.

I've usually taken someone to parties as they are dull as hell so it's good to have someone to chat to!

Kids parties*

I completely agree with the OP. My DS is like this with her DP. She even wanted to bring him along when I went wedding dress shopping.

I haven’t read all the posts so haven’t come across any really nasty or vindication as you say.

i imagine some do feel a little attacked at being called “weird” and “irritating” by the OP for the way that they conduct their relationships though.

A lot of people don't get it.Its great being joined at the hip with a bossy controlling DW doing everything together especially shopping.Shopping on your own with no one to carry and pack those heavy bags...just crazy

I still haven't read alot of the thread🙂

Another person suggesting OP is jealous. Why? I’m fairly sure she’s not. I’m married and think couples who do absolutely everything together are a bit odd.

Where does it end? Will they still be picking DC’s up from work together when they start their first Saturday jobs? Drunken teenage parties?

We do lots of things together as a family, but also lots of things separately. DD and I will have a girly weekend away or a night at the theatre. DH will sometimes take DS to a sports game. But sometimes we’ll all go. Sometimes I’ll take DS for lunch and shopping. And sometimes DH and I will do any of the above with just the two of us. It really depends who fancies doing what at the time.

We recently had tickets to a sporting event and DH had Covid so couldn’t come. I took the DC’s on my own. A friend of ours was stunned. She wouldn’t have gone without her DH. It seems crazy that she would have let her DC’s miss out because her DH wouldn’t be there.

I don't get this tbh, if we are invited as a couple a d one of us can't go, neither of us will. But if we are invited on our own, the other one of us won't gate crash. If our kids are ill, we both stay home in case she.thing goes wrong because if one of us had to go to hospital with one child, who would look after the others?
It sounds like you are happy to be single but each family is entitled to decide how to live their life, however annoying it might seem.

I don't see anything 'sour' in someone wondering why some couples are joined at the hip to the point that they don't even seem to notice that sometimes they're inconveniencing other people.

It generally is annoying if one of your friends brings her partner along to everything, even when they're not invited and will change the dynamic.

It was seriously irritating during Covid when some couples refused to shop separately for no particular reason, meaning more time queueing for everyone else.

It can be very intrusive when a partner is brought along to a family meeting to discuss something sensitive or emotive.

It can be insulting if your sibling won't go to your engagement party, because they won't leave their partner to babysit alone.

The above examples come with the usual qualifiers of no special needs, disabilities etc being involved.

It’s weird that people are noticing that couples are ‘always’ together. How often do others see these couples?
Why are people so busy worrying about what other families are doing together and why are people so fast so say codependency? Just from seeing a couple together, maybe you’ve just not seen them doing their separate activities, presuming that you’re not actually watching them 24/7.

And maybe you’re not understanding (like the original post says) because when people are explaining why or giving reasons, you accuse them of being in a codependent relationship, people are being rude by saying bitter and whatever else BUT if you say AIBU for not understanding something and then people come with some explanations, maybe listen and you might understand?
Not everything is so black & white, maybe that annoying couple you see at school meetings, have issues like one might have PTSD or anxiety and can’t be alone, maybe one is in a caring role for the other for a health issue, who knows but most importantly…. What does it matter to anyone else?

And if anyone suspects any form of abuse, especially when children are involved- why not report it? Codependency is often a sign of emotional abuse.

Bloody hell.. just awful. But these kind of things creep up slowly... starts off with a DH expressing 'an opinion' on how 'family time' should be spent and before you know it...

And yes having no friends and interests outside of a DP is not healthy at all. When DC are small it's understandable as time is limited and all hands to desk but divorce rates in the 50s age group are high and there's a reason. Not in anyway being negative or jealous but facts. Anyone can look them up.
One of the reasons I am divorced (by choice) is that my ex hated me spending time elsewhere and subtly engineered it so I had to be around for 'family time' yet worked all hours (so was never there anyway when I needed). I'm glad people are in happy loving relationships but urge everyone to 'not put your eggs in one basket'.

The OPs post ended with this question: I'm sure there are valid reasons but what are they?

Who says there has to be a reason and who decides if it's "valid"? If my DH can't join a family meal and I decide I'm not going for that reason, it's because I'd rather spend time with him. It's no more complicated than that. People don't owe you their time.

Yes very true.Being serious I do rely on my DW alot because she has her shit together whereas I have anxiety aswell as social anxiety. I'm ok occasionally out on my own but much prefer to do most stuff together.

Some people actually like each other funnily enough 😂 obviously if it's impractical then I can understand. But we love family time and just look after ourselves really.

OMG! Bringing your husband to a girls’ night out? Was she being controlled? Very few men would go. He sounds an utter dick. I sincerely hope she wasn’t being abused/controlled.

I used to run a women's book club and one woman turned up every time with her grumpy and bored husband. Eventually I told her he wasn't welcome and she just stopped coming.

I guess they just loved each other's company though.