To not understand why some couples have to do everything together

[cadburyegg]

I see this SO often. Examples

• both parents coming to another child's birthday party with their only child
• both parents coming to school pick up
• my ex in laws won't do anything separately - mil won't go shopping without fil
• at an info evening for reception, several children had both parents there, which meant their (often multiple children) were there too, causing disruption and making it tricky to hear what was being said
• refusing to make plans with friends at the weekend because it's "family time"
• when I was on maternity leave with DC2 I took both children out for the day and saw someone I know. She couldn't believe my bravery at taking both of the children out by myself
• on more than one occasion I have met up with a friend and their partner has also been there or has shown up half way through lunch etc, which I wasn't aware of. Totally changes the dynamic
• I see it on Mumsnet too - one person not wanting to go to a family meal and leave the other with the children

I know it's nice to have family time of course but I struggle with the idea that some people can't do anything on their own.
I'm a single parent AND an only child and so I'm used to doing things on my own with or without the children! My children are NOT easy either before anyone comments, DC1 is hypersensitive and very clingy whilst DC2 had delayed motor skills which means he still struggles with some physical stuff. So AIBU? I don't get it. I'm sure there are valid reasons but what are they?

So many posters immediately leaping to the defensive and accusing the OP of being jealous and bitter because their reading comprehension skills are lacking.

It is completely obvious that she is talking about couples who have a complete inability to do anything independently of each other. Some of her examples could have been better, but it is still pretty clear to me and many other posters what she is talking about - unhealthy co-dependent relationships, not couples who simply enjoy being with each other.

I always wonder, for the couples who hate doing things alone, how they are going to cope when one of them dies. Morbid perhaps but I couldn't stand being so dependent on someone that I would struggle to do anything by myself.

The MN uniform should be a tshirt with " My husband is my best friend" emblazoned in caps. It is obvious the OP is not talking about that. As for accusing her of being bitter and jealous.... so very smug married straight out of Bridget Jones!

From verywellmind website

Codependent relationships are thus constructed around an inequity of power that promotes the needs of the taker, leaving the giver to keep on giving often at the sacrifice of themselves. According to Dr. Mayfield and Dr. Exelbert, signs of codependency might include some, but not necessarily all, the following:

A sense of “walking on eggshells” to avoid conflict with the other person.
Feeling the need to check in with the other person and/or ask permission to do daily tasks.

Often being the one who apologizes—even if you have done nothing wrong.

Feeling sorry for the other person even when they hurt you.

Regularly trying to change or rescue troubled, addicted, or under-functioning people whose problems go beyond one person's ability to fix them.

Doing anything for the other person, even if it makes you feel uncomfortable.

Putting the other person on a pedestal despite the fact that they don’t merit this position.

A need for other people to like you in order to feel good about yourself.

Struggling to find any time for yourself, especially if your free time consistently goes to the other person.

Feeling as if you’ve lost a sense of yourself or within the relationship.

Co-dependency is not ONLY characterised by spending a lot of time together. Couples CAN spend time together and not be co-dependent. Spending your time with/on your partner is on the list but it is more than that one thing. Couples can spend little time together and be co-dependent. This conversation could be a lot more interesting and informative than just throwing insults around.

There are always posters who will seize on one line in an opening post, quote it out of context and totally ignore the rest of the post just to make their point.
Or ones who will come on whining about their own very specific, not typical, circumstances to try and make the OP look like a big bad meanie.
It was going on years ago when I first started posting on MN and hasn't changed.

Because its fun being out with your partner especially if you laugh together alot having the same sense of humour. My partner works really long hours so we do spend most free time together.I even go for meals with her mates,mostly divorced ,it's always a good nite out.DW doesn't mix with mine because cards and beer doesn't appeal to her .As you get older you start to think as a man how long have you got so spending time together alot is so important.

You have completely missed the point @SurreyHillsinspring. What you are describing is a normal, functional relationship, which is not what the OP was talking about.

Sigh.

Based on this thread, maybe you just need to be sure you're actually welcome

You must have a bigger school entrance than many of us
Dropped off at school gate, which is a single normal gate on a quiet residential street. Even staggered, two parents for every child family plus the small kids would be chaos. At pick up, you walk down to classrooms. 60 adults plus smalls gathered around each door would be ridiculous to the point that its a rule that only one adult goes down and no older sibs.

Its fine if only YOU do it, but if everyone did it it wouldn't work.

We both do school stuff because we both want to be there and dont want to miss out. Why shouldn't we? Not everything is a chaos that needs to be juggled.

Parties we sometimes go together but mainly because we are friends with lots of couples with kids. We both socialise then rather than hide away chatting to each other. We quite often go out before or after so why would someone sit in the car?

Ok I'll read the thread...but DW wants to go shopping and its really long so I'll do it later.

The problem is, no one, including the op can actually see the whole of other people’s relationships. They may see that person out with their other half often but not see them when they go to the shop on their own, walk the dog on their own and go out for an evening to do their specialist hobby on their own, or while they’re at home on their own when their partner has gone out with his old uni mates.
There probably are a few codependent relationships around but I’ll bet they’re a lot rarer than the implication.

:) proving the OP's point rather...

DH and I more or less are too as we both WFH most of the time.

But we have separate hobbies, can go shopping on our own, and if we go out for a walk together, are capable of walking single file to let people by.

I think most of us have known a couple though who seem joined at the hip.

The wife who always finds a reason to turn up at the husband's Office party, even though partners aren't included.

The husband hanging around the bras and knickers in M&S because it wouldn't occur to him or his wife that he could go off and do something else for 20 minutes.

The wife who never goes for impromptu after work drinks because Denis always collects her in the car at 5.30.

The husband who can't go to his nephew's engagement party because they can't get a babysitter and it wouldn't be fair on Christine if he went on his own.

One out of the above might be OK, but added together it does seem a bit claustrophobic and Co dependent.

Dh likes to do a food shop with me occasionally, but I'd rather he didn't tbh. Years of doing it all by myself means I can't get used to having someone else around me putting me off my stride! Luckily it's only now and again.

Arbesque

‘Seem’

That is the joke I believe

I would say all of those examples added together are claustrophobic.

I've known two people in real life who got into relationships like this and in each case the partner was controlling and abusive. Both of those relationships have ended now, thankfully, but both women lost friendships as a result. I know that's not always the case, but it has been in the examples I've seen.

I find it hard to believe that a couple who constantly behave like this are secure people confident in the solidity of their relationship.

There may be rare exceptions, but they are rare.

I posted earlier about the couples who sit together all the time. So on a night out with old friends they’ll sit next to each other, and even with family. Bil and sil will not be parted in a family meet up. Also bil will not visit his family alone; even at mil’s deathbed sil was right in there, whispering to bil and leaving dh standing there like a spare part. Dh was really hurt.

We love to do things together but I think if he turned up when I was out with a friend I would be very annoyed.

I was once in a relationship with a very controlling person. He insisted we had to go everywhere together. He would even hide the car keys so I couldn't go anywhere without him if he had to work at the weekend. If I was late home from work he would be standing outside waiting for me.
Friends & family thought it was 'lovely' & showed he cared.

Schools also take note of parents who are always together as unfortunately it isn't always because they love spending time together. On more than one occasion it has been because of a controlling issue.

Not wanting to be negative as 99% of 'always together' couples is by mutual choice...but I was one in the 1%. Thank goodness I escaped 30 years ago.

I remember the parent info days where two parents would show up, even after the letter specifically said one parent due to lack of space. It's the same parents who double parked the car outside the school gates so that BOTH of them could walk in with the child. One of the parents was a lecturer and the other said she used to go and sit in his lectures just to see him. All sounded very unhealthy.

Well it’s pretty annoying thinking you’re meeting a girlfriend for a drink and they arrive with their partner. Who you don’t know/ like even. It’s a form of codependency. Families trailing round supermarket aisles with all the kids? Meeting with your two siblings to discuss your parents and one sibling always brings partner/ spouse? There is more than one type of family . Co dependency may look like a loving successful relationship but it has its problems. It’s not healthy if you feel the need to be always with your spouse and the habit of bringing spouse to a friendship hang out without checking is just rude and completely changes the dynamic.

I felt like this also when I was married...quite happily went out for days with the kids on my own, and / or met up with friends. Now divorced & happily with a new partner, and I'm one of those you describe that like to do things together. The difference is I want to be with him most of the time, as we actually enjoy each other's company!