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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not understand why some couples have to do everything together

791 replies

cadburyegg · 13/08/2022 16:48

I see this SO often. Examples

  • both parents coming to another child's birthday party with their only child
  • both parents coming to school pick up
  • my ex in laws won't do anything separately - mil won't go shopping without fil
  • at an info evening for reception, several children had both parents there, which meant their (often multiple children) were there too, causing disruption and making it tricky to hear what was being said
  • refusing to make plans with friends at the weekend because it's "family time"
  • when I was on maternity leave with DC2 I took both children out for the day and saw someone I know. She couldn't believe my bravery at taking both of the children out by myself
  • on more than one occasion I have met up with a friend and their partner has also been there or has shown up half way through lunch etc, which I wasn't aware of. Totally changes the dynamic
  • I see it on Mumsnet too - one person not wanting to go to a family meal and leave the other with the children

I know it's nice to have family time of course but I struggle with the idea that some people can't do anything on their own.
I'm a single parent AND an only child and so I'm used to doing things on my own with or without the children! My children are NOT easy either before anyone comments, DC1 is hypersensitive and very clingy whilst DC2 had delayed motor skills which means he still struggles with some physical stuff. So AIBU? I don't get it. I'm sure there are valid reasons but what are they?

OP posts:
Waferbiscuit · 14/08/2022 21:33

OP I think people are taking your examples too literally - they were just examples of instances you've seen, no need for people to deconstruct every example.

Anyway, I know the couples you mean - thee married couples that just overly rely on each other. IME the girls from school who perpetually had boyfriends then rushed to get married and never had periods of independence seem to be the ones who aren't able to do anything without dh.

I too am single and realize how important it is to be independent.

But you'll be getting a kicking for criticizing what couples do. I once called marriage 'dysfunctional codependence' because I do think it encourages a level of reliance and support which can become unhealthy and frankly can mean men use women, but... I got barked at and told 'I must be jealous' of married couples.

PS I love the comment by @WhimsicalGubbins criticizing you for 'coming onto an internet forum and complaining about how other people live their lives.' Um, duh, what if not is Mumsnet for?

Vallmo47 · 14/08/2022 21:39

I can understand your point of view, OP. :) My daughter has a friend whose parents do every.single. school run together. In fact, they truly thought I was a single mum because I do them on my own and have for the longest time. When I then referenced my hubby to be they were shocked. I said “He works full time, I do this side of things”. We are all different. I do find it irritating at times because they walk along holding hands and trying to push a buggy, too. Many times I actually have to excuse myself and walk ahead of them because they have to walk side by side. Love is grand, but come on - a family of five who have very little understanding they’re blocking the way for others? That shit gets old fast.
I have zero jealousy issues, I’m happily engaged. I just don’t bring my husband to be everywhere I go.
Once a week I do go and do my weekly shop with DH. I can’t drive anymore and we both enjoy getting exactly what I want. I do all the top up shops by myself though, again because we are fine together and independently.
There was a time I wasn’t fine though, mentally. He was my rock and I couldn’t cope without him. I’m sure we raised quite a few eyebrows during this period, because I truly followed him around like a puppy.

surreygirl1987 · 14/08/2022 21:48

But you aren't together 24/7 365 days a year are you @surreygirl1987.

No you're right we're not... but then, is any couple together literally 24/7 365 days a year? Retired people maybe, but it must surely be unusual for that to be the case for anyone under 60ish? We spent nearly all of our non-working time together anyway.

RampantIvy · 14/08/2022 21:50

but then, is any couple together literally 24/7 365 days a year?

DH and I more or less are. He works from home, and he is semi retired. I go to the office one day a week and WFH for the rest of the week.

surreygirl1987 · 14/08/2022 21:50

Others are defensive of stuff that I haven't even mentioned, like doing the weekly shop together

Also a bit confused as in your opening post you literally alked about doing the shopping together as one of your examples...?

DirectionToPerfection · 14/08/2022 21:54

surreygirl1987 · 14/08/2022 21:50

Others are defensive of stuff that I haven't even mentioned, like doing the weekly shop together

Also a bit confused as in your opening post you literally alked about doing the shopping together as one of your examples...?

She said her ex in laws we're joined at the hip, and gave an example that her MIL wouldn't go to the shops without her DH.

She did not say there's anything wrong with a couple going to Tesco together. Only that it's a problem when they can never go separately.

I genuinely don't know why so many are misunderstanding this, unless it's deliberate.

StClare101 · 14/08/2022 22:04

HundredMilesAnHour · 13/08/2022 16:54

Totally agree with you OP. Some people are co-dependent and then use excuses like "we like each other" to cover up their weaknesses whilst managing to insult everyone else at the same time. Dreadful people.

Indeed. Particularly when you arrange to meet a friend one on one and their partner comes along for a drink or for the whole thing! It’s rude.

Hmm1234 · 14/08/2022 22:05

The first two points show familial solidarity you sound pathetic maybe annoyed your own partner doesn’t do this!?

RCats · 14/08/2022 22:07

I do think this is unreasonable. Why do you care if other couples like doing things together? Surely that's up to them and their choice?
You have your life and live it your way, and if you like to do things without your partner that's great, but if others would rather be with the other half what's the problem with that?

Itsbritneybitch22 · 14/08/2022 22:08

gatehouseoffleet · 13/08/2022 16:58

It does affect other people. For example when couples won't give way on pavements and you have to walk in the gutter, or during the pandemic when people were told to shop alone but couldn't cope without their partner. Or when you can't spend time with a friend without her partner turning up.

I had assumed all the 50 something couples who are joined at the hip are old married couples but having seen the sponsored ads for over 50s dating apps I've realised they're probably all loved up. It doesn't matter though. Let Go Of Your Partner's Hand When Someone Wants To Get Past You.

Show quote history

So it affects people that are walking down the road and during pandemics? Really 😂😂😂

OP
I have been a single mum and your post showed you was a single mum way before you mentioned it.

Just because you’re used to doing things alone it doesn’t mean that people that aren’t should have to do things alone, why wouldn’t both parents want to be at the school open evenings, all the things you mentioned are quite reasonable and normal tbh.

I mean if I was going to a ladies night and my husband rocked up like heyyyyy girls then yea it would be more WTF but at family meals and school meetings? I don’t think it’s unusual.

Also most people I would imagine, actually marry people that they like and want to spend time with, including the children they made. Why not do school pick up together if you can?

People work and spend time away from their partners and children so perhaps they take the time when they can to see them?

DirectionToPerfection · 14/08/2022 22:17

More people missing the point 🤦

InWalksBarberalla · 14/08/2022 22:37

What's the issue with both parents doing the school drop offs?

Darlingx · 14/08/2022 22:43

I think its lovely for family time when both parents are there but I was once in Boots where a woman was shopping for Tampons with her partner 🤷🏻‍♀️Seriously I know Prince Charles wanted to be a Tampon but shopping for them with your partner in tow where your both browsing the selection? I just hope I am not so joined at the hip that I need to consult harang a man into Tampon shopping on a Saturday morning

DottyPeacock · 14/08/2022 22:51

Hmm1234 · 14/08/2022 22:05

The first two points show familial solidarity you sound pathetic maybe annoyed your own partner doesn’t do this!?

I’m not sure personal insults directed at the OP are necessary.OP doesn’t sound in the least bit pathetic to me, quite the opposite.

Is ‘familiar solidarity’ really needed on the school run or a random classmates birthday party? It’s not aimed at those who occasionally do the school run as a couple, it’s aimed at couples who can’t do the school run alone.

I always used to talk to any parent standing alone. I would feel awkward rocking up and chatting to a couple. And to those saying what does it matter, the classrooms I have waited outside, children find it hard to locate their own parent if there are double the amount needed crowded into the area near the door. Same at a birthday party. How do these parents know, who turn up en masse, that the birthday child might feel more nervous around lots of adults they don’t know?

SleepingStandingUp · 14/08/2022 23:01

Darlingx · 14/08/2022 22:43

I think its lovely for family time when both parents are there but I was once in Boots where a woman was shopping for Tampons with her partner 🤷🏻‍♀️Seriously I know Prince Charles wanted to be a Tampon but shopping for them with your partner in tow where your both browsing the selection? I just hope I am not so joined at the hip that I need to consult harang a man into Tampon shopping on a Saturday morning

Presumably they were out in town generally tho not specifically left the house just to buy tampons. Or he drives and she doesn't. I mean unless he's giving her advice or stating his preference it's hardly secret woman job. She could have sent him if she knew what she wanted.

SleepingStandingUp · 14/08/2022 23:04

Hmm1234 · 14/08/2022 22:05

The first two points show familial solidarity you sound pathetic maybe annoyed your own partner doesn’t do this!?

You don't need a show of solidarity to go to a six year olds birthday party 🙄

Also, if you'd read the post properly, you'd see op is single

Some spare comma's for you ,,,,,

DottyPeacock · 14/08/2022 23:22

InWalksBarberalla · 14/08/2022 22:37

What's the issue with both parents doing the school drop offs?

When my DCs were in primary school, parents were allowed in the classroom at drop off. Can you imagine 30 odd children, each with 2 parents and numerous siblings, trying to hang coats up and put book bags away. It was chaotic enough with generally 1 parent per child. It would have been absolute carnage with both parents there every morning.

AgathaMystery · 14/08/2022 23:42

God this is a weird one.

Me and DH walk DC to school each morning… then we walk home together and chat, go back to work in our offices (WFH 100% him, 3 days a week me) & then in the afternoon we ‘meet’ back up downstairs and go and collect DC. We all walk home together discussing our day.

i thought it was… nice?

surreygirl1987 · 14/08/2022 23:48

Presumably they were out in town generally tho not specifically left the house just to buy tampons.

Precisely. Also, what's wrong with her husband seeing her buy tampons? I think it's great that periods are becoming less of a taboo topic!

InWalksBarberalla · 15/08/2022 00:27

DottyPeacock · 14/08/2022 23:22

When my DCs were in primary school, parents were allowed in the classroom at drop off. Can you imagine 30 odd children, each with 2 parents and numerous siblings, trying to hang coats up and put book bags away. It was chaotic enough with generally 1 parent per child. It would have been absolute carnage with both parents there every morning.

Show quote history

Here parents aren't allowed in the classroom apart from the very first day of the first year of primary. Kids are expected to look after their own belongings. Parents drop off at clsssroom for first year and gate at later years. Can't see an issue with parents enjoying a walk up and back from school together. It's nice exercise and a time to chat.

CelestiaNoctis · 15/08/2022 01:37

My partner is my best friend. I love spending time with him, in fact we've spent practically every day together for 13 years almost. We don't go absolutely everywhere together and enjoy our alone time but go places together as much as possible.

Blueink · 15/08/2022 02:51

Do agree it’s a balance, but these type of co-dependent relationships are bloody annoying and wearing on friendships. They don’t seem to have much insight it seems.
Your example of siblings being bored and disruptive just so both parents can hear ‘first hand ‘ about how DC no 3 or 4 is getting on at primary school shows even the children have to suffer them.

lickenchugget · 15/08/2022 05:17

AgathaMystery · 14/08/2022 23:42

God this is a weird one.

Me and DH walk DC to school each morning… then we walk home together and chat, go back to work in our offices (WFH 100% him, 3 days a week me) & then in the afternoon we ‘meet’ back up downstairs and go and collect DC. We all walk home together discussing our day.

i thought it was… nice?

It is nice, don’t worry.

Bunchymcbunchface · 15/08/2022 07:38

It’s sinister….

Arbesque · 15/08/2022 07:51

Itsbritneybitch22 · 14/08/2022 22:08

So it affects people that are walking down the road and during pandemics? Really 😂😂😂

OP
I have been a single mum and your post showed you was a single mum way before you mentioned it.

Just because you’re used to doing things alone it doesn’t mean that people that aren’t should have to do things alone, why wouldn’t both parents want to be at the school open evenings, all the things you mentioned are quite reasonable and normal tbh.

I mean if I was going to a ladies night and my husband rocked up like heyyyyy girls then yea it would be more WTF but at family meals and school meetings? I don’t think it’s unusual.

Also most people I would imagine, actually marry people that they like and want to spend time with, including the children they made. Why not do school pick up together if you can?

People work and spend time away from their partners and children so perhaps they take the time when they can to see them?

Show quote history

But that's not what the OP was talking about.

She was talking about couples who literally can't do anything separately.

Girls meet up - partner has to come too
Shopping during pandemic - ooh no, we have to both go and take up a space
Family celebration- We can't get a babysitter so we'll both have to miss it

etc etc etc