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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not understand why some couples have to do everything together

791 replies

cadburyegg · 13/08/2022 16:48

I see this SO often. Examples

  • both parents coming to another child's birthday party with their only child
  • both parents coming to school pick up
  • my ex in laws won't do anything separately - mil won't go shopping without fil
  • at an info evening for reception, several children had both parents there, which meant their (often multiple children) were there too, causing disruption and making it tricky to hear what was being said
  • refusing to make plans with friends at the weekend because it's "family time"
  • when I was on maternity leave with DC2 I took both children out for the day and saw someone I know. She couldn't believe my bravery at taking both of the children out by myself
  • on more than one occasion I have met up with a friend and their partner has also been there or has shown up half way through lunch etc, which I wasn't aware of. Totally changes the dynamic
  • I see it on Mumsnet too - one person not wanting to go to a family meal and leave the other with the children

I know it's nice to have family time of course but I struggle with the idea that some people can't do anything on their own.
I'm a single parent AND an only child and so I'm used to doing things on my own with or without the children! My children are NOT easy either before anyone comments, DC1 is hypersensitive and very clingy whilst DC2 had delayed motor skills which means he still struggles with some physical stuff. So AIBU? I don't get it. I'm sure there are valid reasons but what are they?

OP posts:
LastWordsOfALiar · 14/08/2022 20:28

I also think you sound bitter OP. You're projecting your issues onto others.

I can and do, do lots independently. But I also enjoy my partner's company. If you can't see why someone actively wants to spend spare/family time with their partner then I think maybe that's indicative of your relationships, rather than others.

Arbesque · 14/08/2022 20:30

LastWordsOfALiar · 14/08/2022 20:26

Why!? Why must one parent stay home with the kids? What harm is it if the whole family go?

My partner and I go to Tesco with all three (well behaved) kids. We prefer it. I prefer company on the shop and also means I don't have to make all the meal choices alone, pack etc alone. My partner usually likes to browse the clothes and other sections. And it means no one is left trying to entertain 3 kids at home alone which can be tiring and boring for all involved.

I don't get why that bothers you? Are you usually highly strung and judgemental?

Show quote history

It is onerous for one of you to 'entertain ' ie look after your three kids while the other does the shopping?

aSofaNearYou · 14/08/2022 20:32

It is onerous for one of you to 'entertain ' ie look after your three kids while the other does the shopping?

It's good for kids to get out of the house and partaking in normal, necessary errands like shopping is a good way of doing that.

I don't think shielding kids from the apparent hardship of a food shop is a good thing.

Arbesque · 14/08/2022 20:35

That's not what I was questioning.

rarge · 14/08/2022 20:35

@Sakura7 it wasn't aimed at you. I learnt in primary school that you can be used in the general sense. Is this still going on?🙄

If you are not a moody arse, I wasn't talking about you. Give over, ugh.

Starwind74 · 14/08/2022 20:35

I can’t see why both need to go to school pickup, unless on the way back from somewhere else together. Most of the other things mentioned sound fairly normal. As for kids causing a distraction surely that is caused by bringing the kids ( which I know can’t always be avoided). If anything having both parents there should make this less likely, as 2 to control the children, and one can take them out the room if necessary,

rarge · 14/08/2022 20:36

@Arbesque you were tagged hun, what is your problem with me🙄

surreygirl1987 · 14/08/2022 20:38

Eh? I spend most of my time with my husband when I'm not at work because I like him and love his company... that's why I married him! To be honest, I don't understand couples who DON'T do mu h together- but each to their own! I'm certainly not going to start a mumsnet thread about it!

Christmasfun2022 · 14/08/2022 20:42

Me and my husband definitely aren’t like this, but I would say we have a very happy marriage. We obviously do have family days out together but also see friends separately. In the evening we sometimes watch different stuff in TV, or I read and he watches TV. However, my in laws seem to do everything together and I find it a bit weird, but also worry that we are weird for being so independent! Examples - have breakfast together every morning, one waits for the other, sit together and watch TV every night, FIL has a hobby and he’s been ‘banned’ from going to the hobby holiday the next two times as other one can’t bear to be alone (I assume). Coming up to ‘help’ after baby was born, they both had to come up ! 🙈. The first two sound very sweet but they don’t look like they are having fun or enjoy each others company when they are eating breakfast or watching TV…so I think maybe just do your own thing a bit more? Then they have been married a long time 🤷‍♀️

Suja1 · 14/08/2022 20:42

I was really irritated by parents at my son's school who both went to the supermarket bringing their five children along. And you would think that one of the parents would then have been in charge of said children. No, they were concentrating on the food, their children were running around, playing chase whilst the youngest was crying in the trolley. That is a time when perhaps one of the parents could have stayed at home to spend quality time with their children.

Springtimeshowers · 14/08/2022 20:44

i stopped doing school run/ parties with my partner because i noticed nobody talked to me.

Fair enough, if i see parents at a party or on the school run together i avoid talking to them because it seems intrusive.

it does feel like an unsociable thing to do

DottyPeacock · 14/08/2022 20:44

I completely agree with you OP. DH and I have been married for over 20 years. I can count on one hand the number of times we’ve done the weekly shop together. There are obviously things we do together but shopping, other peoples kids parties and the school run are not on the list!

I think you’re onto a loser with this post though. I seem to recall someone posting during lockdown, when supermarkets were asking people to shop alone, why there were whole families shopping together. The excuses were hilarious! DH couldn’t go alone because he wouldn’t know what to buy, the poster couldn’t make a list because they didn’t know what they’d want without looking. The poster couldn’t go alone because their DH might fancy something they wouldn’t choose, or they couldn’t stay at home and look after their own DC for an hour. Or simply they were happier to put other people at risk than be parted from their SO for an hour.

I couldn’t imagine a life where DH and I did everything together. What the hell do couples talk about if they’re together 24/7. I’m not convinced it makes a healthy relationship to never be apart.

RedStef1983 · 14/08/2022 20:45

I guess I’m in one of those rare couples where we like spending time together, we like each other’s family, and my husband likes to be actively involved in the raising of our child - inclusive of pick/up drop off at preschool and parents evenings!

we have no qualms leaving each other at home with the kid though, so we can go out with our friends.

celticprincess · 14/08/2022 20:47

I also found before getting divorced that I always did the shopping along with both children when the then DH was at work!! We rarely shopped as a family. And he never showed alone as he doesn’t drive. But my kids have never ran wild. When little with would be in the trolley - at least one of them. And when bigger they would asked to help.

Arbesque · 14/08/2022 20:47

rarge · 14/08/2022 20:36

@Arbesque you were tagged hun, what is your problem with me🙄

What are you on about?

rarge · 14/08/2022 20:58

Can you hear yourself @Arbesque. What's the matter with you

SleepingStandingUp · 14/08/2022 21:05

RedStef1983 · 14/08/2022 20:45

I guess I’m in one of those rare couples where we like spending time together, we like each other’s family, and my husband likes to be actively involved in the raising of our child - inclusive of pick/up drop off at preschool and parents evenings!

we have no qualms leaving each other at home with the kid though, so we can go out with our friends.

Yup, everyone else just detests their partners. You guys are just so special 🙄🙄

DirectionToPerfection · 14/08/2022 21:07

RedStef1983 · 14/08/2022 20:45

I guess I’m in one of those rare couples where we like spending time together, we like each other’s family, and my husband likes to be actively involved in the raising of our child - inclusive of pick/up drop off at preschool and parents evenings!

we have no qualms leaving each other at home with the kid though, so we can go out with our friends.

Yes you're sooo special 😂

RampantIvy · 14/08/2022 21:12

FGS, so many posters are completely missing the point. The OP is talking about couples who are totally unable to spend any time apart whatsover. She is not bitter or jealous.

Stop projecting your insecurities. Most secure and happily together couples do spend some time apart - either pursuing hobbies, visiting their own families or going out with friends.

What is so difficult to understand about that?

Original poster
cadburyegg · 14/08/2022 21:14

Lol I have no idea how many times I have to say that I have no issue with people going food shopping together and I didn't mention it in my original OP.!

Btw my kids have the same dad, I'm not sure how people think that this was achieved other than in a LTR... we were together for 11 years, married for 7! I haven't always been single 🤣

I appreciate everyone who has defended against the "you're bitter" comments. I find them funny 😄

OP posts:
RampantIvy · 14/08/2022 21:15

As an example, when my dad died I spent the next few weeks travelling down to visit my mum every weekend to support her - a round trip of around 500 miles. I didn't expect DH to accompany me every time. We also had pets so it would have been difficult anyway.

surreygirl1987 · 14/08/2022 21:16

What the hell do couples talk about if they’re together 24/7. I’m not convinced it makes a healthy relationship to never be apart.
Maybe my husband and I are unusual then, and lucky I guess, but this is often us. We are both teachers and right now we are on summer holidays. We're pretty much living in and out of each other's pockets and loving! When the kids are in nursery we play tennis together, paddle board together, do house DIY together, and it's just lovely! I see other friends as well (evenings and weekends as most are at work during the week) and that's lovely but a huge amount of time is spent with my husband and we NEVER run out of things to talk about. Maybe our shared hobbies means there's more to talk about actually! Anyway, as I said, maybe we're unusual. I wouldn't have it any other way though and I feel lucky to really enjoy my husband's company.

Original poster
cadburyegg · 14/08/2022 21:19

FGS, so many posters are completely missing the point. The OP is talking about couples who are totally unable to spend any time apart whatsover. She is not bitter or jealous.

I think the ones missing the point are doing so deliberately to avoid considering that they might be in a bit of a codependent relationship.

Others are defensive of stuff that I haven't even mentioned, like doing the weekly shop together. Straw man argument.

OP posts:
RampantIvy · 14/08/2022 21:21

But you aren't together 24/7 365 days a year are you @surreygirl1987. As you are both in the same profession and out of the house in term time I'm sure you will have plenty to talk about. This isn't what@DottyPeacock meant.

Mummykate01 · 14/08/2022 21:23

This annoys me. I have two young children and we do family time with my husband. We also often meet friends and family together. However I also take the children myself to meet friends without him. I have a friend and her partner has to be there ever time we meet, even when I am on my own with the children. It makes it awkward as there is a lot of stuff you then just can’t talk about it. I don’t mind him being there sometimes but there is no need for all the time.

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