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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not understand why some couples have to do everything together

791 replies

cadburyegg · 13/08/2022 16:48

I see this SO often. Examples

  • both parents coming to another child's birthday party with their only child
  • both parents coming to school pick up
  • my ex in laws won't do anything separately - mil won't go shopping without fil
  • at an info evening for reception, several children had both parents there, which meant their (often multiple children) were there too, causing disruption and making it tricky to hear what was being said
  • refusing to make plans with friends at the weekend because it's "family time"
  • when I was on maternity leave with DC2 I took both children out for the day and saw someone I know. She couldn't believe my bravery at taking both of the children out by myself
  • on more than one occasion I have met up with a friend and their partner has also been there or has shown up half way through lunch etc, which I wasn't aware of. Totally changes the dynamic
  • I see it on Mumsnet too - one person not wanting to go to a family meal and leave the other with the children

I know it's nice to have family time of course but I struggle with the idea that some people can't do anything on their own.
I'm a single parent AND an only child and so I'm used to doing things on my own with or without the children! My children are NOT easy either before anyone comments, DC1 is hypersensitive and very clingy whilst DC2 had delayed motor skills which means he still struggles with some physical stuff. So AIBU? I don't get it. I'm sure there are valid reasons but what are they?

OP posts:
Tabbouleh · 14/08/2022 18:57

OMG as my DD would say. OP, I totally get what you mean.

wordler · 14/08/2022 19:05

DogsandDungarees · 14/08/2022 18:13

Some people clearly are not in good marriages here . I literally love hanging out with my husband we both work full time so even small chats whilst doing other activities and tasks are cherished. Obviously I still see my friends by myself but every other task id rather do together you do realise your SO can be your best friend too xoxoxo

But even if your SO is your best friend - you don't always want to do everything with the same person do you?

I totally get the OP - I'm very happily married, love my DD and love her company, had the closest and most wonderful relationship with my late DM, but I also love doing stuff on my own.

Sometimes it's because it's the most expedient option - like the OP's example of supermarket shopping.

Sometimes it's the most practical option - like the OP's parent evening option.

Sometimes it's just lovely to be on your own, or on your own with a variety of different people.

OP - I get it!

restingbitchface30 · 14/08/2022 19:09

I do everything with my partner. Because he is my best friend. And we enjoy each other’s company. We do the odd thing away from each other but not that often. But before I met him I felt the same, I didn’t get why some people did everything together.

CharlieBear20 · 14/08/2022 19:15

I certainly don't do everything with my partner but yes, weekends are family time! For my kids, not because me and my partner are inseparable. On his days off he will do school runs, or come to school functions - why shouldn't he get that experience? It has nothing to do with me, it's for the kids! What strange things to comment on.

DirectionToPerfection · 14/08/2022 19:16

littlemisskt · 14/08/2022 18:20

I am, and my husband is, perfectly capable of doing things by ourselves but somethings it is nice to do together. as long as it is child appropriate, I wouldn’t take them to a boring information evening, a supermarket at the weekend for a full shop or someone else’s birthday party. We don’t get a lot
of family time due to work/extended family issues so we embrace what we do get. And honestly, a lot of times it’s just for another adult to talk to.

That's completely normal, nobody is saying otherwise.

Arbesque · 14/08/2022 19:18

rarge · 14/08/2022 10:20

@Sakura7 the situation, like with the vagina relaxing are extreme. Anyone who has an 'opinion' on children's parties, supermarkets, shared hobbies, family meals(!)' is miserable. Not necessarily jealous, but a miserable fucker.

Because none of those things are harmful, all very normal. To be actively bothered by them, there's something off there.

Most likely, you're a bit annoyed because your by yourself. To an extent it's normal. Like if you're on the train alone and there's a noisy group sitting nearby.

But if a family or even just pair shopping together of all things, is worthy of an opinion, you have something severely lacking.

Things like the tag along husband would be wearing, of course but judging people doing normal activities and projecting things is just off. Must be exhausting to have that mentality.

Also, makes those people sound like over critical dicks. Who'd want to be around someone like that who just judges the stupidest of things? Sounds unbearable.

Can you actually hear yourself?

LampLighter414 · 14/08/2022 19:21

I know a few couples like this. The ladies have anxiety and/or depression seems to be the main reasoning. I imagine this is the main reason.

Arbesque · 14/08/2022 19:22

Tessabelle74 · 14/08/2022 17:42

You sound bitter AF! I'd LOVE to spend more time with my husband doing stuff together but we both work. You're a single parent, that's why you don't get it

The only person sounding bitter is you.

Arbesque · 14/08/2022 19:27

DogsandDungarees · 14/08/2022 18:13

Some people clearly are not in good marriages here . I literally love hanging out with my husband we both work full time so even small chats whilst doing other activities and tasks are cherished. Obviously I still see my friends by myself but every other task id rather do together you do realise your SO can be your best friend too xoxoxo

Oh dear, so if your husband wanted to join a group, take up an interest or develop a hobby away from you, you would assume he was not happy in the marriage. You sound very insecure.

rarge · 14/08/2022 19:28

Can you actually hear yourself?

What's your problem? @Arbesque
What do you object to? Unless you're a miserable sod who judges parents picking their children up from nursery, I wasn't talking about you.

rarge · 14/08/2022 19:29

I love how you quoted the entire post too. What are you trying to prove, my post was coherent and rational.

Jellicoe · 14/08/2022 19:40

CharlieBear20 · 14/08/2022 19:15

I certainly don't do everything with my partner but yes, weekends are family time! For my kids, not because me and my partner are inseparable. On his days off he will do school runs, or come to school functions - why shouldn't he get that experience? It has nothing to do with me, it's for the kids! What strange things to comment on.

Agree. When kids were in primary DH would move his diary so he could attend school information meetings or parents evening. The PP who is a teacher is right - they love it when both parents are attending. As for parties - when I was the host I love that both parents attend as I get to know parents of my kids friends. Children are teens now - we probably clog the super because sometimes we all go together - because we like to. I still tag along with DH on some shops to pick up things I like. Not because I can't do without him! As for weekends I tend not to make dates with my gf as weekends are always sacred however old the kids are.

RampantIvy · 14/08/2022 19:43

I get what the OP is trying to say. She is pointing out that some relationships appear to be codependent rather than couples who are happy to spend most of their time together.

Cue posters replying that the OP is jealous because she is single or that married posters are in unhappy marriages.

It is quite possible to be in a happy marriage or long term relationship without spending every single waking moment in each other's company.

Quite frankly I would hate to be smothered and stifled by spending 24/7 with DH all the time.

There are 168 hours in a week. I probably spend 156 of those hours in DH's company (asleep and awake)

Bangolads · 14/08/2022 19:45

Is it time for the ‘ AIBU but why do so many MN care so much about things that don’t affect them’ Post?

Arbesque · 14/08/2022 19:45

rarge · 14/08/2022 19:28

Can you actually hear yourself?

What's your problem? @Arbesque
What do you object to? Unless you're a miserable sod who judges parents picking their children up from nursery, I wasn't talking about you.

Who were you talking about? Genuine question.

WhatALotOfAFussAboutNothing · 14/08/2022 19:52

cadburyegg · 13/08/2022 16:48

I see this SO often. Examples

  • both parents coming to another child's birthday party with their only child
  • both parents coming to school pick up
  • my ex in laws won't do anything separately - mil won't go shopping without fil
  • at an info evening for reception, several children had both parents there, which meant their (often multiple children) were there too, causing disruption and making it tricky to hear what was being said
  • refusing to make plans with friends at the weekend because it's "family time"
  • when I was on maternity leave with DC2 I took both children out for the day and saw someone I know. She couldn't believe my bravery at taking both of the children out by myself
  • on more than one occasion I have met up with a friend and their partner has also been there or has shown up half way through lunch etc, which I wasn't aware of. Totally changes the dynamic
  • I see it on Mumsnet too - one person not wanting to go to a family meal and leave the other with the children

I know it's nice to have family time of course but I struggle with the idea that some people can't do anything on their own.
I'm a single parent AND an only child and so I'm used to doing things on my own with or without the children! My children are NOT easy either before anyone comments, DC1 is hypersensitive and very clingy whilst DC2 had delayed motor skills which means he still struggles with some physical stuff. So AIBU? I don't get it. I'm sure there are valid reasons but what are they?

I think you’ve hit it on the head with the fact you’re a single parent and like doing things on your own.

Other people aren’t single and like doing things together. Surely it’s that simple?!

vanilli78 · 14/08/2022 19:54

Yabu. We work opposite shifts, get 1 day as a family every 10 days before my husband goes to work on a night shift. So yes, we will do things on that 1 day together.

Rachey28 · 14/08/2022 19:55

For school information events then if possible both parents should attend. We will have different comments or questions and it's not just a Mum or Dad job.
My daughter has just finished reception and LOVES the very rare occasions both of us can pick her up/drop her off at school. Of course it could be done alone as it is most days but i see no problem if both parents are able to go?

chickma · 14/08/2022 19:56

I like spending time with my OH!

Also, we have a child with additional needs so in many cases two pairs of eyes and hands is better than one.

I suffer from anxiety too, so there are times when I can't face things alone.

Sakura7 · 14/08/2022 20:12

Arbesque · 14/08/2022 19:45

Who were you talking about? Genuine question.

Show quote history

Well that poster seemed to be aiming that comment at me, though I never judged anyone picking their kids up.

I'm also apparently annoyed because I'm alone (that'll be news to my DH, I have to say).

Ridiculous deflection.

Teachertired92 · 14/08/2022 20:14

Me and my partner do a lot together, with our one child, because my partner works 14 hour days on shifts, so when he’s on his days on, we only see him for an hour a day! We are making up for lost time together! When he’s at work, I do everything on my own or with my DD. We do our hobbies separately and unless my partner knew my friend very well and it was prearranged, there would be no way he would turn up to drinks or meals! We see our friends separately most of the time unless there’s a specific reason we’re together, and our friends would know partner was coming in advance and why!

DirectionToPerfection · 14/08/2022 20:16

Good Lord, for the people down the back:

Nobody is saying you shouldn't enjoy spending time with your partner. Nobody is saying that there's anything wrong with spending time with your partner (that would be weird).

The thread is about couples who cannot do anything separately.

Some of the OP's examples weren't great but it's clear what she means.

TheFrustratedRedhead · 14/08/2022 20:26

Not being funny OP but you just sound incredibly bitter. My husband is my absolute fave person to do everything with, including making a food shop fun. Wouldn’t have married him otherwise… 🙄

celticprincess · 14/08/2022 20:26

Are these the same couples that share social media accounts and email addresses? Always find that a bit weird too.

Theres a couple at my childrens’ school who are like this. Must be in their 50s. Always together holding hands. They have lots of children ranging from primary to adults. Never see them alone. I often wondered if one was controlling.

I also have a friend who often randomly brings her DH when we meet for coffee. It definitely changes the dynamics. She’s been known to send DH for coffee and not comer herself!!

The parents evening isn’t weird. My ex DH usually comes to parents evening with me. Our kids don’t create havoc though. I’ve had divorced parents come separately and as a teacher often have both parents come to an appointment. Never thought that to be weird at all.

LastWordsOfALiar · 14/08/2022 20:26

Ace56 · 13/08/2022 16:55

Totally agree OP. In my experience it starts before having children too - I’ve got a friend whose DP shows up to meals/drinks out (often later in the evening) when it’s just us girls and I find it very odd. Also whole families going to Tesco together - surely one parent goes and the other stays at home with the kids?!

Why!? Why must one parent stay home with the kids? What harm is it if the whole family go?

My partner and I go to Tesco with all three (well behaved) kids. We prefer it. I prefer company on the shop and also means I don't have to make all the meal choices alone, pack etc alone. My partner usually likes to browse the clothes and other sections. And it means no one is left trying to entertain 3 kids at home alone which can be tiring and boring for all involved.

I don't get why that bothers you? Are you usually highly strung and judgemental?