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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not understand why some couples have to do everything together

791 replies

cadburyegg · 13/08/2022 16:48

I see this SO often. Examples

  • both parents coming to another child's birthday party with their only child
  • both parents coming to school pick up
  • my ex in laws won't do anything separately - mil won't go shopping without fil
  • at an info evening for reception, several children had both parents there, which meant their (often multiple children) were there too, causing disruption and making it tricky to hear what was being said
  • refusing to make plans with friends at the weekend because it's "family time"
  • when I was on maternity leave with DC2 I took both children out for the day and saw someone I know. She couldn't believe my bravery at taking both of the children out by myself
  • on more than one occasion I have met up with a friend and their partner has also been there or has shown up half way through lunch etc, which I wasn't aware of. Totally changes the dynamic
  • I see it on Mumsnet too - one person not wanting to go to a family meal and leave the other with the children

I know it's nice to have family time of course but I struggle with the idea that some people can't do anything on their own.
I'm a single parent AND an only child and so I'm used to doing things on my own with or without the children! My children are NOT easy either before anyone comments, DC1 is hypersensitive and very clingy whilst DC2 had delayed motor skills which means he still struggles with some physical stuff. So AIBU? I don't get it. I'm sure there are valid reasons but what are they?

OP posts:
ApplesandBunions · 14/08/2022 11:39

Sakura7 · 14/08/2022 11:31

People keep bringing up the shopping example. OP's actual words were:

my ex in laws won't do anything separately - mil won't go shopping without fil

She's not saying there's anything wrong with a couple going to Tesco. But this is a dynamic where the couple cannot do anything apart, going to the shops being an example. Not being able to go to the shops alone when necessary is odd, unless there is an underlying reason like a disability.

Sometimes DH and I do the shopping together, sometimes one of us goes alone. It depends what else we have on. I think that's pretty normal and lots of people commenting here do similar. That's not what the OP is talking about though.

OP actually has said rather more than that about shopping, and she's not the only person on the thread to have talked about couples in shops either. As such, there's no reason to confine discussion to that one post on the subject made by one person.

Sakura7 · 14/08/2022 11:47

ApplesandBunions · 14/08/2022 11:39

OP actually has said rather more than that about shopping, and she's not the only person on the thread to have talked about couples in shops either. As such, there's no reason to confine discussion to that one post on the subject made by one person.

Show quote history

Yes, OP has said more on the subject:

It's not people spending time together that I have an issue with - it's people refusing to do things without their partner that baffles me. Of course it makes sense that a couple might go to a supermarket together if they both want different things but I think it's quite sad if you have to wait for your partner to get home if you want to go out for a pint of milk.

Also says in another post that she doesn't find anything strange about a couple going to the supermarket.

Seems there's a lot of wilful misinterpretation going on here.

rarge · 14/08/2022 11:55

Sakura7 · 14/08/2022 11:31

People keep bringing up the shopping example. OP's actual words were:

my ex in laws won't do anything separately - mil won't go shopping without fil

She's not saying there's anything wrong with a couple going to Tesco. But this is a dynamic where the couple cannot do anything apart, going to the shops being an example. Not being able to go to the shops alone when necessary is odd, unless there is an underlying reason like a disability.

Sometimes DH and I do the shopping together, sometimes one of us goes alone. It depends what else we have on. I think that's pretty normal and lots of people commenting here do similar. That's not what the OP is talking about though.

For clarity, conversation moved on from the OP. There are some batshit opinions on here. And people are all talking about different things from not venturing outside alone, to people doing normal activities like nursery pickup.

It's not a case of misunderstanding. Some people just do have nutty opinions.

ApplesandBunions · 14/08/2022 12:14

Sakura7 · 14/08/2022 11:47

Yes, OP has said more on the subject:

It's not people spending time together that I have an issue with - it's people refusing to do things without their partner that baffles me. Of course it makes sense that a couple might go to a supermarket together if they both want different things but I think it's quite sad if you have to wait for your partner to get home if you want to go out for a pint of milk.

Also says in another post that she doesn't find anything strange about a couple going to the supermarket.

Seems there's a lot of wilful misinterpretation going on here.

Show quote history

Glad you agree OP has said more than the one point you chose to quote there. Can you tell us what the wilful misinterpretation is, given that you've been told the discussion is also about other people who've mentioned shopping?

TheWomanTheyCallJayne · 14/08/2022 12:21

I can tell you it must be far nicer to have them with you at an antenatal than be asked if there’s anyone available who can come and join you quickly.

Tabbouleh · 14/08/2022 12:25

All MN threads eventually end in " You are jealous."

RampantIvy · 14/08/2022 13:17

But then it’s your job to go to all the kids parties? He gets to ‘draw a line’ because he doesn’t like it?

It didn't feel like a "job" to me. We had only just moved to the village and I didn't know anyone. I wanted to chat with the other parents and get to know them over a coffee at a soft play party.

DH is embarrassingly unsociable and If I hadn't taken DD to a party she wouldn't have gone and as an only child with no family nearby that wouldn't have been very fair on her.

All parents stated at soft play parties because the venue asked that they did, before anyone comments on that.

Cam22 · 14/08/2022 13:29

Some slightly older couples even wear matchy matchy coloured rainproof jackets usually in various hues of fawn. Some though do the visiting city centre thing dressed up carefully. The men appear older than the women, sometimes, and the women have coloured blonde hair, tastefully coiffed. They cling onto the man’s arm.

BeanieTeen · 14/08/2022 13:31

DH is embarrassingly unsociable and If I hadn't taken DD to a party she wouldn't have gone and as an only child with no family nearby that wouldn't have been very fair on her.

Well yes that would have been grossly unfair indeed @RampantIvy and very selfish of your OH. Lots of mums are also not sociable and don’t like these events, just like they don’t enjoy school runs or food shopping but for them there doesn’t seem to be an ‘opt out’ choice. As I said, luckily for your DC you’re there to pick up the slack.
Again, its not indicative to me of a healthy relationship or superior independence to see mums out there doing things on their own. It’s unfortunately the sad common standard that their child’s well-being, entertainment and social lives are dependent on mum’s actions and not dad’s.

ThighMistress · 14/08/2022 15:17

What is objectionable is the “You’re jealous” and “You don’t know true happiness” posts.

Barring any particular needs, not going to visit your own family without your spouse or seeing friends is odd. And dressing it up as being extra specially in love is crap.

Also it is other people’s business when the coupledom becomes rudeness. We had a family meal and bil and sil sat next to each other (I have known them for 25 years) and whispered, choosing the same thing from the menu and unless directly addressed having their own conversation. Perhaps every night’s a date night, but to me that was damn rude. (Btw they also wear matching clothes a la Howard and Hilda.)

CruCru · 14/08/2022 15:26

I think I know what the OP means. Being on a night out with female friends and having a boyfriend turn up to “give X a lift home” might sound kind and romantic but it also means her night is cut short (and he’s been able to make sure she isn’t having too much fun).

A female friend who always brings her partner, even when it’s obvious he isn’t wanted, is someone who will get phased out. Having to “talk nicely” with a dude you don’t know gets old.

The example where someone had to take her partner to a smear test is a bit worrying. I’d be concerned that she was at risk of domestic abuse if she can’t / won’t see a doctor or nurse without his supervision.

Tessabelle74 · 14/08/2022 17:42

You sound bitter AF! I'd LOVE to spend more time with my husband doing stuff together but we both work. You're a single parent, that's why you don't get it

SirChenjins · 14/08/2022 17:45

Tessabelle74 · 14/08/2022 17:42

You sound bitter AF! I'd LOVE to spend more time with my husband doing stuff together but we both work. You're a single parent, that's why you don't get it

What - you’d like your DH to come on nights out with your friends? Have to wait for your DH to come home so he can drive you to the supermarket so you can buy some milk?

DirectionToPerfection · 14/08/2022 17:54

Tessabelle74 · 14/08/2022 17:42

You sound bitter AF! I'd LOVE to spend more time with my husband doing stuff together but we both work. You're a single parent, that's why you don't get it

How very condescending.

RampantIvy · 14/08/2022 18:08

Tessabelle74 · 14/08/2022 17:42

You sound bitter AF! I'd LOVE to spend more time with my husband doing stuff together but we both work. You're a single parent, that's why you don't get it

Stop projecting. I'm happily married, yet get what the OP means.

DogsandDungarees · 14/08/2022 18:13

Some people clearly are not in good marriages here . I literally love hanging out with my husband we both work full time so even small chats whilst doing other activities and tasks are cherished. Obviously I still see my friends by myself but every other task id rather do together you do realise your SO can be your best friend too xoxoxo

RampantIvy · 14/08/2022 18:19

DH and I talk to each other all the time. Over the course of our 41 year marriage we have probably spent more time with each other than most. It doesn't mean that I have to drag him with me everywhere I go.

littlemisskt · 14/08/2022 18:20

I am, and my husband is, perfectly capable of doing things by ourselves but somethings it is nice to do together. as long as it is child appropriate, I wouldn’t take them to a boring information evening, a supermarket at the weekend for a full shop or someone else’s birthday party. We don’t get a lot
of family time due to work/extended family issues so we embrace what we do get. And honestly, a lot of times it’s just for another adult to talk to.

MissNowt · 14/08/2022 18:20

Totally agree OP. I have known a couple for 12 years - see them quite often but have NEVER seen them separately. It’s not healthy surely? What’s going to happen when one of them dies? 😕 I love my DH but couldn’t stand being around him 24/7.

Mepop · 14/08/2022 18:22

I have done a lot of those things with my partner. For our first (and only child at the time) we did an info meeting at school together because we were both interested. Normally we go to supermarket separately but have done it together if walking that way there are two of us to carry more. We do family meals together because our families live a long way from ours and seeing them involves an overnight stay so we make a thing if it, plus the kids want to see both families. And my partner has on at least one occasion turned up when I was meeting a friend in my own simply because he hadn’t seen the, in ages and was also friends with them so popped by to say hi. Saying that I do try and be wary of friends who are single parents. I would never assume my partner was ok to pop by if I thought my friend would object.

Mollymoostoo · 14/08/2022 18:25

TheWomanTheyCallJayne · 13/08/2022 16:52

“one person not wanting to go to a family meal and leave the other with the children”

Maybe because they’re family

Exactly. It's called co-parenting

cherish123 · 14/08/2022 18:27

I do see couples who do everything together. However, they tend to be childless or with adult dc

BigWoollyJumpers · 14/08/2022 18:31

I think it just depends on how your relationship evolved. DH and I have been together since college, so, we have all the same friends. If we go out in the evening, we go out together, because the other couples are also both our friends, and friends we have made since through school for example, or neighbours, are also "couple" friends. Neither of us has individual friends that we wouldn't see socially as a couple.

We have also never not either seen, nor just spoken to each other every day for 35 odd years!

Having said that, over the years, he has spent many weeks away for work, often the whole week, so of course he had his colleagues to socialise with, and I had local friends. He would phone every day though, without fail.

Weird I know, but I have never been out in the evening with a group of female friends, as I just don't have that kind of group. Coffees and lunches yes, cinema, museums etc, but never for a classic night out. Not my kind of thing.

Everyone is different, and as long as it makes you happy, crack on.

AnnieSnap · 14/08/2022 18:32

HundredMilesAnHour · 13/08/2022 16:54

Totally agree with you OP. Some people are co-dependent and then use excuses like "we like each other" to cover up their weaknesses whilst managing to insult everyone else at the same time. Dreadful people.

I hope this is tongue in cheek! My DH and me were married previously for 30-years to people we had bugger all in common with, so for both of us most activity was done separately to OH. We have been together for 14 years and do nearly everything together. This is because we enjoy doing things together. Anyone who has an issue with that can f*ck off!

SirChenjins · 14/08/2022 18:39

I hope this is tongue in cheek

Just as the other posts pitying the people who are obviously in unhappy marriages because they don’t do everything together?