To not understand why some couples have to do everything together

[cadburyegg]

I see this SO often. Examples

• both parents coming to another child's birthday party with their only child
• both parents coming to school pick up
• my ex in laws won't do anything separately - mil won't go shopping without fil
• at an info evening for reception, several children had both parents there, which meant their (often multiple children) were there too, causing disruption and making it tricky to hear what was being said
• refusing to make plans with friends at the weekend because it's "family time"
• when I was on maternity leave with DC2 I took both children out for the day and saw someone I know. She couldn't believe my bravery at taking both of the children out by myself
• on more than one occasion I have met up with a friend and their partner has also been there or has shown up half way through lunch etc, which I wasn't aware of. Totally changes the dynamic
• I see it on Mumsnet too - one person not wanting to go to a family meal and leave the other with the children

I know it's nice to have family time of course but I struggle with the idea that some people can't do anything on their own.
I'm a single parent AND an only child and so I'm used to doing things on my own with or without the children! My children are NOT easy either before anyone comments, DC1 is hypersensitive and very clingy whilst DC2 had delayed motor skills which means he still struggles with some physical stuff. So AIBU? I don't get it. I'm sure there are valid reasons but what are they?

My husband prioritised me when me brought me tickets for a few days away to see someone i really want to see. It isn't possible to all go together and if i wait til the kids are big enough, he'll be dead.

I read this and thought you meant your husband would be dead! But you mean the person you want to see?

Yeah l find it a bit odd with some things but always just though cos my dh and l aren't like that maybe we are the strange ones although a lot of my group aren't either.

What an apt username.

I think it's all about balance OP. Doing everything together, or leading totally separate lives are either end of the spectrum. There's a balance in the middle.

Bringing your partner to events that they're clearly not invited to, or where they will totally change the dynamic us very annoying.

It's because we have a society which revers coupledom, rewards it financially even, so it's no wonder no other individual can be held to that standard. It's a shame friends aren't held to the same status even though most relationships break down and don't last.

I actually quite enjoy food shopping.

Maybe it's because we are a couple without kids so it's not this huge chore, it's picking out stuff i enjoy eating and I can pick all my favourite stuff (as can partner)

I do think couples where the man goes to his wives friends events is strange and controlling but that's a long way from a couple liking going to the supermarket together.

I would not like doing a full supermarket shop on my own. Me and DH both love cooking and eating but not keen on shopping. So we always go together for big shops and then we can chat on the way round, discuss what to buy etc.

Chatting while shopping makes it more enjoyable and the time passes quicker. We always have something to chat about even after 42 years

I think it's all about balance OP. Doing everything together, or leading totally separate lives are either end of the spectrum. There's a balance in the middle.

This is how DH and I lead our lives. He sometimes goes food shopping with me (usually when we need to stock up on wine as he is much more knowledgeable about wine than I am) and sometimes I go on my own.

He came to parents evenings and sports days with me, but drew the line at children's parties as he has an almost zero tolerance for noise (especially the racket in soft play centres). And I wouldn't dream of dragging him round a shopping mall to go clothes shopping. I would get no enjoyment from him looking bored and wanting me to hurry up.

I 15 years of parenting I have never once seen a kids party in someones house... its really not that normal or common.

I have attended adult parties at peoples houses last one was for a 60 year old and was 95% family but never for a child. Adults sit still and chat not run around and being family and close friends with the ability to understand consiquences and control behavior is also wildly different.

Its such a bizaare thing to do - making guests uncomfortable by imposing personal judgements and rules, making them feel like their now hyped up kids cant actually touch anything incase they break it, having to cram many people into a small space its just wildly impractical and stupid.

There was a similar thread where I’m sure one poster wrote that they missed their DH so much when they went out without him. If she went out with friends she just sat there wishing she was with her DH. Now that is odd.

Because its not the 1950s 🤷‍♀️

A lot of people seem to be getting offended by the OP when she's not talking about them.

"I spend lots of time with DH, so what, it doesn't mean I don't do some things on my own."

"Sometimes we both do the school pick up if we're both at home, what's wrong with that?"

OP and others are talking about the couples who never leave each others sides, the friends who bring their partners to events uninvited, who can't attend a basic appointment without them (the smear test example where he had to be by her side or her vagina wouldn't relax is bizarre, and possibly a sign of a controlling partner).

It's not weird to have an opinion on something. If you post a reply to a topic you see while scrolling MN, it does not mean you have some kind of obsession.

I posted yesterday about having codependent parents and the pressure it put on me once one of them was left alone. Conveniently the "we're just so in love" brigade have skipped right past that.

Not surprisingly, the smug superiority and accusations of jealousy are coming out now. How very predictable.

My cousin’s kids are all grown now but many years ago one of her children was invited to a soft play place on a Sunday morning for a birthday party.
They decided to all go with the intention that her husband would pay for the other two and keep them well away from the birthday party.
They were horrified when they arrived to find that the party had exclusive use of the soft play for the duration of the party.
Cousin’s husband tried to manhandle the uninvited kids out offering them an alternative but the middle one was crying so much the party mother came out and included them in the invitation so they all went in.
Anyway cousin went to the loo and when she emerged from the cubicle two of the mothers were outside and earnestly asked her if she was ok and whether she was a victim of coercive control etc. They couldn’t believe that it was normal for a couple to do a child’s birthday party together.

@Sakura7 the situation, like with the vagina relaxing are extreme. Anyone who has an 'opinion' on children's parties, supermarkets, shared hobbies, family meals(!)' is miserable. Not necessarily jealous, but a miserable fucker.

Because none of those things are harmful, all very normal. To be actively bothered by them, there's something off there.

Most likely, you're a bit annoyed because your by yourself. To an extent it's normal. Like if you're on the train alone and there's a noisy group sitting nearby.

But if a family or even just pair shopping together of all things, is worthy of an opinion, you have something severely lacking.

Things like the tag along husband would be wearing, of course but judging people doing normal activities and projecting things is just off. Must be exhausting to have that mentality.

Also, makes those people sound like over critical dicks. Who'd want to be around someone like that who just judges the stupidest of things? Sounds unbearable.

He came to parents evenings and sports days with me, but drew the line at children's parties as he has an almost zero tolerance for noise (especially the racket in soft play centres).

But then it’s your job to go to all the kids parties? He gets to ‘draw a line’ because he doesn’t like it?

If couples want to do things separately/together it really doesn’t matter either way in my opinion. But when people talk about the shopping, kids parties, kids drop offs I can’t help but think it’s not about couples being independent. I think, realistically, what you’re talking about in many cases (not always but often) is mum does all the child related stuff while it’s not dad’s ‘thing’. Mum does the shopping, mum does the school runs whether dad is home or not, mum gets to sit in the noisy soft play centre while dad enjoys his Saturday afternoon doing what he likes. The child and family related jobs aren’t for him to deal with and worry about. And spending time with his family, or parter, isn’t really top priority. That doesn’t scream modern independence to me.

I think times have moved on somewhat and many more men are now keen to take a more active roll in family life. And relationship expectations have also moved on. Men like spending time with their wives as people too like a friend, and women should expect that - not men just seeing them as essentially housekeepers and nannies who ‘independently’ get on with the shopping while they lounge in front of the tv or meet their mates in the pub.
That was what my GP were like on my DM’s side - when my grandfather passed away my grandmother was fine, it didn’t seem to affect her much. Lots of people have noted this as a positive, spouses coping will when their other half passes away because they weren’t ‘co-dependent.’ I personally think there’s something kind of sad about that.
My GP on my DF’s side are the complete opposite. They are true friends and soulmates, they love each other’s company. And yes, when one of them passes, I’m sure the other will find it very difficult. As it should be when you truly love someone and had a strong connection with them. It’s a tough thing, but not a negative thing.

It's not weird to have an opinion on something.

No, there are some things it's absolutely weird to have an opinion on. Other people going to Tesco is one of them. Being angry about when someone goes to bed is another.

It's not weird to have an opinion on something. If you post a reply to a topic you see while scrolling MN, it does not mean you have some kind of obsession.

This!! I’m getting fed up of the constant ‘you are projecting, you seem very angry, you are obsessed’ type comments. They add nothing to the thread, it’s just throwing a bit of mud in the hope it sticks because you don’t like the topic or OP. Join in or don’t but this armchair psychology is just boring and so predictable now.

I'm the one who was told I'm a weirdo for having an opinion.

I said nothing about any of these specific things (or children's parties, or school pick up, etc). I made a general comment in response to a thread about couples who do everything together, and I was called an overly focussed, jealous weirdo. That's out of line.

There are some very defensive posters here.

Not surprisingly, the smug superiority and accusations of jealousy are coming out now. How very predictable.

It is predictable. It's mumsnet and pretty much par for the course and I'm not immune to the odd comment myself if something pisses me off (I rein it in though, on the most part, nothing insulting)

I think the problem with this thread though that it is disingenuous, and has been from the start. Co-dependency is a problem in many peoples relationships, not being able to go out on your own is a problem for some people, anxiety and inability to cope with certain circumstances alone is a problem for some people.
To say you "don't understand" couples who are never apart while listing a bunch of reasons that on their own don't actually seem to be problematic, and are actually commonplace for a lot of couples is going to cause confusion and get peoples backs up.

And again this is mumsnet. I think it a good place for a rant, I like it when the OP say "This is a rant", and then talks about something that is a bit ridiculous and over-the-top.

Because I am regularly over-reacting and talking myself down at the minute as well...

Yeah it's just deflection.

People who have a healthy balance in their lives are not the weird ones.

Being bothered about who's in public spaces like supermarkets and paths is not a healthy balance. Also, anyone who was actually bothered about the armchair psychology in this thread would also be critical of the jump to assume codependency.

@ApplesandBunions

Totally.

My son needs 2 adults with him most of the time so generally it is all of us or none of us. When he is being cared for elsewhere we tend to be both out because it is only a small amount of time we have together that we are not 'working'.

@ChorltonCreamery i expect they were worried because there were 2 adults and instead of doing the socially accepted and polite thing of removing the uninvited kids immediately they chose to join the party that the mum probably felt she had no option than to let them stay at.

There's some truth in this. Socializing does tend to be set up around couples. I prefer my husband and child to anyone else in the world, but I also value my closest friends and invest in what I value because I want to keep it. One of my two dearest friends has been in my life since we started school and we frequently holiday together: 4-5 day continental city breaks as opposed to two weeks in the sun. I have my own income and can justify the expenditure because I love her, and she's single. We have a blast every time!

I not infrequently attend 2-3 day conferences, so my family is used to my occasional absence. I lost my parents at a young age, so my friends are my entire support network and deserve my appreciation.

With few babysitters around, there are things DH and I did in our pre-child life that we simply can't do until DC is much older. Attending gigs, concerts, theatre, race days etc are off the table: we knew this from day 1 and accepted it. If we want to do those things, we now do them separately and go with our individual friends, or I now do the rock festivals with my sibling. Children are not children for very long, and we had well over a decade to do these things together before we had them. There'll be time afterwards, too.

I find that whatever my relationship status - and we are happy - my female friends are worth their weight in gold and I want to do things with them. In the event the worst did happen, I also have people to confide in as well as travel and social companions. Win-win!

People keep bringing up the shopping example. OP's actual words were:

my ex in laws won't do anything separately - mil won't go shopping without fil

She's not saying there's anything wrong with a couple going to Tesco. But this is a dynamic where the couple cannot do anything apart, going to the shops being an example. Not being able to go to the shops alone when necessary is odd, unless there is an underlying reason like a disability.

Sometimes DH and I do the shopping together, sometimes one of us goes alone. It depends what else we have on. I think that's pretty normal and lots of people commenting here do similar. That's not what the OP is talking about though.