To not understand why some couples have to do everything together

[cadburyegg]

I see this SO often. Examples

• both parents coming to another child's birthday party with their only child
• both parents coming to school pick up
• my ex in laws won't do anything separately - mil won't go shopping without fil
• at an info evening for reception, several children had both parents there, which meant their (often multiple children) were there too, causing disruption and making it tricky to hear what was being said
• refusing to make plans with friends at the weekend because it's "family time"
• when I was on maternity leave with DC2 I took both children out for the day and saw someone I know. She couldn't believe my bravery at taking both of the children out by myself
• on more than one occasion I have met up with a friend and their partner has also been there or has shown up half way through lunch etc, which I wasn't aware of. Totally changes the dynamic
• I see it on Mumsnet too - one person not wanting to go to a family meal and leave the other with the children

I know it's nice to have family time of course but I struggle with the idea that some people can't do anything on their own.
I'm a single parent AND an only child and so I'm used to doing things on my own with or without the children! My children are NOT easy either before anyone comments, DC1 is hypersensitive and very clingy whilst DC2 had delayed motor skills which means he still struggles with some physical stuff. So AIBU? I don't get it. I'm sure there are valid reasons but what are they?

No, this makes complete sense. I mean, if you're pissed off by strangers living they're life doing everyday activities to the point where you post about it, that is overly focussed.

Normally, you'd be right that 'you're only saying that cos you disagree' but in this case, why do you even have an opinion on the matter? That is the definition of overly focussed. Even the more extreme examples.. it's their business, just let them get on with it.....

Why am I, specifically, overly focused? What about the many others who have commented here?

Who said I'm pissed off?

If you're a single parent, or your P isn't around, you're probably more aware of families around you. And I guess that's where the annoyance starts. If you're spending time with a P or friend, you're not going to be looking around the room at everyone else.

@DirectionToPerfection having an opinion on people shopping together etc is weird and overly focussed, but I wasn't talking about you specifically

I do wonder if the OP is “seeing” this a lot because she’s overly focussed on this issue (you must be to post on mumsnet about it) for example I really want a brand new Peugeot car and ever since I decided on my spec I keep seeing the same car everywhere I go…. all of the time. It’s just my brain focussing in that’s all.

I understand this, when were thinking if child No2 all I could see were either pregnant mothers with a child around our sons age or siblings in the park.
Now I don't even notice it, so I think you do notice things more once they become a "thought" in your life.

And it must be enough of a thought in the OPs mind to start a post about it.

We have been together for 48 years, married for 45, worked together for 30 years and do most things together. There is no one I would rather spend time than my husband, and wouldn't want it any other way.

Ok, you two can make up whatever stories you like about me. I'm recently married and extremely happy and secure in my relationship, but hey if believing I'm some sort of bitter, jealous creature helps you validate your own views, go for it. 😂

The dig at single mothers was quite something though, I have to say.

What about shared Facebook accounts?! That is beyond weird and screams insecurity. This must be to do with people worried their partners will get in touch with the kid who fingered them in year nine 30 years ago.

Sometimes me & DH pick up our youngest or just walk the dog together. In the middle of the day. That probably gives some misery guts the rage. But I really couldn't give a fuck 🤷🏻‍♀️

And it must be enough of a thought in the OPs mind to start a post about it.

It has crossed my mind as well when I have noticed couples who never have any separate interests or friends. Most people I know who are married or in a long term relationship don't spend every spare minute with their husband/partner because they also have other interests.

It doesn't mean that they don't want to spend time with their partners because it isn't an either/or situation. It is perfectly possible to love your other half and spend time with them and pursue other interests or see friends without them.

Husbands hanging around lingerie section whilst their wives shop give me the ick

I don't think people do that.

I think you've misunderstood the thread. It's about the couples who can't do anything apart. They do exist.

Some of OP's examples weren't the best but it's clear what she means. It's literally in the title.

Friends who discuss my private issues with me in front of their partners as if they are one person, get on my nerves

I don't think people do that

Apparently one person does, Ex Mil, but no i have never heard of anyone who does either.

I have also never heard or told anyone they are brave for being out with their own 2 kids. If i had booked a family meal, then my child was sick, i wouldn't then want to go and eat out at the resteraunt by myself either.

Quite random examples to be basing the thread on. As a PP said this issue is obviously playing in the OPs mind to have started a thread on it. Im not sure why its anyone elses business how others live their lives, or why someone would even care that much.

I haven't read the whole thread but think I get the gist.

I think some of the misunderstandings might be because of the wide age range of MN posters. We have people here from 18 to well over 80.

I have friends in their 80's and it's not unusual for the wife never to have learnt to drive. They started work in an era when you often had to give up your job when you got married. You couldn't get a mortgage without your husband's agreement and signature. Daddy really did 'give you away' on your wedding day, when you promised to 'love, honour and obey'.

Married couples, in love and having been parted in earlier days by the war or a genuinely hard day's work, often wanted nothing more than to spend their leisure time together. We felt like that too, madly in love in the flower power sixties, all we wanted to do was spend every waking moment together. It wasn't unhealthy, and we have clocked up 45 years of marriage. We always used to enjoy doing a big shop together and stop at the cafe for a coffee and a bite to eat. It made an outing out of a chore. Why not?

We used to do most things together throughout our entire married life, and still had regular Friday night date nights out. I also had time for girlfriends, or shopping trips on my own (my H hated shopping except food shopping), and of course we both worked. We brought up 2 children as well, without co-dependency being too much of a problem. Anyway, if you love one and other and are intent on building a secure and happy family, you are actually going to be healthily dependent on your love ones, and they on you. To keep your guard up as a protection against love would be very sad way to live a life.

As someone wise once said, grief is the price we pay for love. I am in a thoughtful mood because my darling husband is terminally ill. And I am glad for every second of my time we spent together. We have had a rich life full of love and co-dependency, and our adult children are proud and thankful too, and our grandchildren too are aware of the loving warmth of family.

I think I can empathise with the confusion here as I come from a disastrously damaged and fractured family, and I well remember when even seeing an apparently 'happy family', hurt my chest inside and made me want to run or scream. Those feelings can get muddled and confuse the messages. Even therapists I believe are confused by this, hence the idea that co-dependency is unhealthy. But that is another debate for another time.

@TheVillageShop your post is lovely.

Your relationship sounds wonderful and i hope you are doing ok with your DH

No idea if this is for me, but I was a single teen mother not that long ago @DirectionToPerfection. It's not a judgement to say that if your out by yourself, you're probably hyper aware of others.

And said nothing insulting to single mothers? I'm not sure what your trying to do there.

You probably are weird bitter and jealous if you have an opinion about people's lives that don't affect you. If it doesn't apply to you, then your not. Simple as.

They're in love and are best friends. They want to be together all the time. Obvs

I was a single parent 14 years prior to my 2 year partner and quite able to go out on my own , work and sustain a home without help , even doing most diy better than my partner . in fact if he left tomorrow apart from the emotional turmoil I’m proud to say I could do what we both do and maintain the kid’s lifestyle 100% .
But some of the things you describe we do together because it’s nicer to do together ? Nothing to do with inability.
I learned not to judge other’s relationships, some people do a bare minimum together, others love being together . I quite enjoy family time and would not exchange it unless for a special event as BFF birthday or similar

Dreadful people? A couple enjoying being together makes them weak and dreadful people?

My word, you seem so very, very bitter. 😆

We have a shared email address thats used for anything related to our children, its handy as we’ll both get to see them, where as if you give school etc both emails they’ll only email one person.

It is definitely in weirdo territory.

Oh that is a good idea!