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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not understand why some couples have to do everything together

791 replies

cadburyegg · 13/08/2022 16:48

I see this SO often. Examples

  • both parents coming to another child's birthday party with their only child
  • both parents coming to school pick up
  • my ex in laws won't do anything separately - mil won't go shopping without fil
  • at an info evening for reception, several children had both parents there, which meant their (often multiple children) were there too, causing disruption and making it tricky to hear what was being said
  • refusing to make plans with friends at the weekend because it's "family time"
  • when I was on maternity leave with DC2 I took both children out for the day and saw someone I know. She couldn't believe my bravery at taking both of the children out by myself
  • on more than one occasion I have met up with a friend and their partner has also been there or has shown up half way through lunch etc, which I wasn't aware of. Totally changes the dynamic
  • I see it on Mumsnet too - one person not wanting to go to a family meal and leave the other with the children

I know it's nice to have family time of course but I struggle with the idea that some people can't do anything on their own.
I'm a single parent AND an only child and so I'm used to doing things on my own with or without the children! My children are NOT easy either before anyone comments, DC1 is hypersensitive and very clingy whilst DC2 had delayed motor skills which means he still struggles with some physical stuff. So AIBU? I don't get it. I'm sure there are valid reasons but what are they?

OP posts:
Sakura7 · 13/08/2022 21:57

MugginsOverEre · 13/08/2022 21:49

My children will remember their mum and dad being close. The partnership and unity. They'll remember that dad was there at the school gates with mum to tell us both about their exciting day (on dad's/mum's non working days of course). I don't see why one parent needs to be excluded from child events whether something exciting or the mundane daily stuff. Why would my husband have to sit at home waiting because I left to do the school run? Why can't he too welcome our babies out of school?

My DSis and her DH are like some people here. Would never dream of joining the other parent unless it was a specific family event that requires both of them to attend. Ask DSIS what her relationship is like and she says it's great.

From the outside? They're fucking miserable. Constantly nipping at each other. Distant. No PDA. Not knowing stuff about the kids without checking the family calendar or whatever. The kids are like that too. Not close, always fighting. Yet DSIS still maintains that they're happy, just not "co-dependant" like DH and I (DH and I can and do spend time apart but give a choice would always rather be together). I will never feel like I'm co-dependent or weak just because I opt to spend time with my husband rather than alone. What's the point? It's boring otherwise.

I remember my parents being very close too. I always wondered why they never had friends when all my friends' parents did.

When my dad got dementia and had to go into a nursing home, my mother was completely unable to do anything for herself. She never learned to drive, had no clue how to handle finances, couldn't even use chip and pin to pay for something in the shops. Guess who was expected to completely uproot her own life to look after her?

My parents were codependent. It wasn't healthy.

Balance is important in life.

rarge · 13/08/2022 21:58

Thinkbiglittleone · 13/08/2022 21:40

I'll probably get deleted for saying this but @rarge and @Thinkbiglittleone you are giving me serious sock puppet vibes

I'm afraid not, just 2 people it appears with the same view. Crazy I know Confused

Because we agree? You got problems buddy. Our previous posts won't match up because we re different people and it would be extremely bait to reply to yourself on a thread. Maybe you do that, maybe that's why it's your first thoughtConfused

PurpleVioletBlue · 13/08/2022 21:58

Not really sure why this bothers you so much- maybe just live and let live?

  • Birthday parties - I wouldn't bring additional family members without checking first, but particularly if it's at a larger public venue, it can be nice for both parents to meet other parents and socialise.
  • I usually do the nursery pickups, but sometimes DH will come along too. Nice to walk and chat and catch up on our days together before getting into the dinner / bedtime routine.
  • Shopping - sometimes we pop to the shops on the way back from somewhere. The kids often get really restless and whiney stuck in the car waiting for one of us to go in alone, so it's sometimes easier to go in together.
  • info evening- the kids sound disruptive and that's not ok. However, generally we'd both go to this kind of thing if we can as we both like to be involved and know what's going on firsthand - invariably this kind of thing just ends up falling to the woman otherwise.
  • we have really limited time together during the week which isn't taken up with tasks, so yes, I am a little reluctant to make weekend plans as I feel like that is time I prioritize for family. Thiugh if it's something I really want to do - fun event, good friend etc. then I'll do it.
  • let's not pretend that taking out multiple kids on your own is a walk in the park. I do it frequently, but understand why some might feel reluctant.
  • partners gatecrashing meetups is a bit weird
Thinkbiglittleone · 13/08/2022 22:01

I've read the OP I don't see any insecurity. I see her struggling to understand the mindset of people like you. I read your defensive posts. I have a sense of where the insecurity is...

😂😂 the OP states people who spend all their time together is because one is insecure. So please re read.

😂😂😂 love these nonsense posts about "defensive" and "insecurity" once there's nothing else to say.

DirectionToPerfection · 13/08/2022 22:04

Thinkbiglittleone

I'm not throwing shade at anyone 🙄

I'm simply giving my opinion on a discussion forum, that's what it's there for!

Holidaydreamingagain · 13/08/2022 22:04

I can safely say there is very little in the entire world I can think. I would less like to do than a full supermarket shop with a partner

Thinkbiglittleone · 13/08/2022 22:06

Because we agree? You got problems buddy. Our previous posts won't match up because we re different people and it would be extremely bait to reply to yourself on a thread. Maybe you do that, maybe that's why it's your first thought

Or @rarge has this been my master plan all along. I have posted differently for (7years for me under different names) just for this one moment to back up an opinion on a kids party, that no one really cares about, now that's dedication.

doyourememberwhen · 13/08/2022 22:11

Thinkbiglittleone · 13/08/2022 22:01

I've read the OP I don't see any insecurity. I see her struggling to understand the mindset of people like you. I read your defensive posts. I have a sense of where the insecurity is...

😂😂 the OP states people who spend all their time together is because one is insecure. So please re read.

😂😂😂 love these nonsense posts about "defensive" and "insecurity" once there's nothing else to say.

She really, really doesn't say that. I have re-read the opening post several times, she does not 'draw the conclusion that one partner is insecure' .

Might you be projecting your own thoughts and feelings here?

GraceandMolly · 13/08/2022 22:11

I am perfectly happy doing things on my own, but you know what, shopping as a family is more fun than going solo. Same for nursery drop off. We might sometimes go together and have a quick coffee afterwards or both collect our child and stop in the park on the way home.
It’s simply nice.

doyourememberwhen · 13/08/2022 22:12

rarge · 13/08/2022 21:58

Because we agree? You got problems buddy. Our previous posts won't match up because we re different people and it would be extremely bait to reply to yourself on a thread. Maybe you do that, maybe that's why it's your first thoughtConfused

Show quote history

"You've got problems buddy"

Thank you, I laughed a lot.

😁

carefullycourageous · 13/08/2022 22:20

Dalaidramailama · 13/08/2022 21:12

There’s been a couple of posters saying some women haven’t coped well when their partners have died. Maybe that’s the price of deep and lasting love. Grief. You can’t escape that. Yes you can have other interests and friends/activities but If you’re in a mutually, respectful and loving relationship that’s lasted for many years you will most certainly suffer to some degree.

Yes I think about this. It is as though some people think they should try to remain more detached to avoid being too grief-stricken if widowed. But I think if you love someone deeply you are just always going to be hard hit.

midsomermurderess · 13/08/2022 22:20

I work with some one like this. She has been cos playing 11 since she turned 12. She is effectively a child, he is the parent. She can, but won't, drive, she can't do anything independent, renew the insurance, buy a fridge, get the car MOTd, book a holiday. He's had to give up things he liked to do because they must always do everything together, but he is with an 11 year old and that's what he seems to like. Give it 10, 15 years, we'll read in the local paper about a joint suicide because an adult woman who had chosen to be a child can't be left to live her life. It beyond creepy.

TimandGinger · 13/08/2022 22:22

RampantIvy · 13/08/2022 21:51

I enjoy spending time with H

So do I, but I am perfectly capable of doing some things without him, and in some cases prefer to. He doesn't share all of my interests. I am not prepared to stay at home and sulk on the settee next to him because he won't go to a food festival or agricultural show with me. And I have no interest in going to watch a rugby match with him.

Do all these couples who never spend time apart not have separate interests?

Shared email addresses baffles me.

Shared email addresses are the naffest thing on the planet.
I had a colleague who wouldn’t do a single thing without her husband. Her friend split up with a boyfriend and wanted a shoulder to cry on. My colleague took her husband along! I got the impression they didn’t have many friends - no surprise there.

bumblebee1987 · 13/08/2022 22:26

I sort of see what you're trying to say, but not with the majority of the examples you have posted, perhaps those are just bad examples of what you mean?

DH and I are absolutely independent people, but for the vast majority of our waking lives we are working or doing some other sort of mundane household task, so it stands to reason that any time not spent doing these things, we quite like spending time together. It hasn't got anything to do with not being able to function alone, but just that we want to enjoy the kids together and do stuff with each other. I'm not really sure I see why this causes anyone else a huge issue?

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 13/08/2022 22:27

TimandGinger · 13/08/2022 22:22

Shared email addresses are the naffest thing on the planet.
I had a colleague who wouldn’t do a single thing without her husband. Her friend split up with a boyfriend and wanted a shoulder to cry on. My colleague took her husband along! I got the impression they didn’t have many friends - no surprise there.

Show quote history

Shared social media accounts are even weirder. Whenever I see them I always think “which one cheated”

Dalaidramailama · 13/08/2022 22:28

@DirectionToPerfection

Well yes obviously there is a difference between a loving relationship and a codependent one, however you cannot judge a couple as being codependent simply because they spend a lot of time together doing things. It is a lot more complex than that but there’s a lot of pop psychologists on mumsnet for sure.

It depends entirely on what is actually motivating the couple to spend lots of time together. It will be love or fear and it’s not something that an outsider could really know just by casual observations.

It is certainly not something I could ever get my knickers in a twist over to be honest. I don’t actually care how other couples organise their lives and time.

SirChenjins · 13/08/2022 22:33

YANBU - I love DH and we’re a couple yada yada, but doing the food shop, going to kids parties and going to parents nights for our DC since 2003 counts amongst the most boring parts of our lives - we’re quite happy to agree which one of us will do each of them to give the other a break from the tedium.

Shared email accounts are beyond bonkers.

ivebeencalledworse · 13/08/2022 22:34

Well I had a friend who would not go to bed without her husband, as in they
had to go to bed at the very same time. It made me angry! She was a total knob in many ways though.
Me and husband have our very own things to do and our own friends. We also have very different ideas of fun and so go out separately. We only really do family stuff when we are on a family holiday. And when we are home at the same time we don’t see each other too often as we are in separate rooms doing our own thing most of the time.

I could to live in someone else’s pocket. No way. I like time alone too, and I love my child more than anything but at bed time especially I just like to sit alone, as I'm doing now. It's bliss.

DirectionToPerfection · 13/08/2022 22:34

carefullycourageous · 13/08/2022 22:20

Yes I think about this. It is as though some people think they should try to remain more detached to avoid being too grief-stricken if widowed. But I think if you love someone deeply you are just always going to be hard hit.

Show quote history

This is absolute nonsense but thanks for the laugh.

I'm not detached from my DH but I am capable of leaving the house without him.

Dalaidramailama · 13/08/2022 22:43

@DirectionToPerfection

I don’t think one person on this thread has said they cannot leave the house without their husband.

OP has cherry picked a load of activities and lumped all these couples together so to speak. Like I’ve previously said I know lots of married couples and they’re definitely not in each other’s pockets despite ticking a few boxes in OPs list.

I do wonder if the OP is “seeing” this a lot because she’s overly focussed on this issue (you must be to post on mumsnet about it) for example I really want a brand new Peugeot car and ever since I decided on my spec I keep seeing the same car everywhere I go…. all of the time. It’s just my brain focussing in that’s all.

BigChesterDraws · 13/08/2022 22:44

I see this SO often.

Well, I wonder why…

Maybe because people who are in a relationship with each other want to do things together. Why does it upset you so much? Does it really matter what other people do?

ThighMistress · 13/08/2022 22:55

As usual when this subject crops up there is a core group who say, “Dh and I love each other” implying that all the other posters are in lesser unions. Upthread someone described their family as “tight” (ugh) and another claimed no one knew what having a “real connection” was like - unlike them of course.

Couples always joined at the hip are annoying. It was quite a surprise when a woman’s dh came (uninvited) to a spa day hen do. He sat in the foyer in his anorak all day. Bizarrely his wife had driven!

DirectionToPerfection · 13/08/2022 23:01

I do wonder if the OP is “seeing” this a lot because she’s overly focussed on this issue (you must be to post on mumsnet about it)

Eh?

I responded to a thread, like lots of other people have done. Do you think anybody who responds to any thread is 'overly focussed' on the subject, or only the people you disagree with?

Thinkbiglittleone · 13/08/2022 23:02

*she really doesn't say that"

You are absolutely right, apologies, it was another poster who said that further down, and co-dependant ,so, sorry for that, I think the OP only said as I suspect is often the case - you can't cope with your own children alone

might you be projecting your own thoughts and feeling there

Sadly not, we have busy weekends, so we can't to fall into the category of frankly bizarre, being co-dependant etc. but I wouldn't be judging those that do, I think it's great to see.

Thinkbiglittleone · 13/08/2022 23:06

Shared email accounts are beyond bonkers.

I've never heard of shared email addresses until this thread.