To not understand why some couples have to do everything together

[cadburyegg]

I see this SO often. Examples

• both parents coming to another child's birthday party with their only child
• both parents coming to school pick up
• my ex in laws won't do anything separately - mil won't go shopping without fil
• at an info evening for reception, several children had both parents there, which meant their (often multiple children) were there too, causing disruption and making it tricky to hear what was being said
• refusing to make plans with friends at the weekend because it's "family time"
• when I was on maternity leave with DC2 I took both children out for the day and saw someone I know. She couldn't believe my bravery at taking both of the children out by myself
• on more than one occasion I have met up with a friend and their partner has also been there or has shown up half way through lunch etc, which I wasn't aware of. Totally changes the dynamic
• I see it on Mumsnet too - one person not wanting to go to a family meal and leave the other with the children

I know it's nice to have family time of course but I struggle with the idea that some people can't do anything on their own.
I'm a single parent AND an only child and so I'm used to doing things on my own with or without the children! My children are NOT easy either before anyone comments, DC1 is hypersensitive and very clingy whilst DC2 had delayed motor skills which means he still struggles with some physical stuff. So AIBU? I don't get it. I'm sure there are valid reasons but what are they?

Going for a meal/drinks with friends and having someone's dp show up... would be mildly miffed but also we are all friends in a group so I also know my friends partners and it wouldn't bother me too much.

We do school pick up together once a week because we both work shifts and have one day off together. Would be odd for one of us to go on our own.

We do sometimes take all the kids to the shops together but only on the way back from somewhere. Otherwise one or the other of us goes (3 kids, supermarkets not fun with them all)

Parties wise, they're all past the age of a parent having to stay so it's drop and run! From a social aspect though I wouldn't mind both parents showing up and staying if they wanted to.

How can it not cost extra to have another adult? We always cater to adults (and the parties we go to are the same). If we invite 20 kids and they each bring one parent then thats food, drinks and cake for 40 peeps. If 10/20 bring a second parent then thats another 10 people who will need feeding, drinks and cake. There is a huge difference in costs between a cake for 40 people and a cake for 50-60 people.

It’s normal to prioritise your partner and children over friends.

On the whole of course it is.
I have a single friend who always talks about another of our friends saying it's weird when that friends husband is home she "just wants to spend the whole weekend with him" it's hilarious trying to explain her that it's because she likes his company (hence marrying him) and prefers his company over hers.
She just can't understand it and always tries to put a negative slant on it, I mean why else marry someone if you don't enjoy their company.

Naturally. But I've seen many a thread on here from people wondering why they haven't got any friends / no one to babysit DC / their friends have started to exclude them / don't know anyone at the school gates.

Relationships take time and effort to blossom and that doesn't just go for romantic ones.

Some people here are so self-obsessed with how "together" and what a "tight-knit-loving family" they are that they are completely oblivious to others circumstances. Surely you can see a difference between inviting 10 kids to your DC birthday party, expecting at the most 10 adults and having instead 20 plus however many extra kids turn up - since if both parents attend, it's likely that any extra siblings will too - tight family, no parent left to watch them at home, etc (if everyone behaved like you do)? Children's birthday parties are exactly that - for children, not for entire families to show off how invested in their kids they are. Even if you both truly can't think of anything better than watching your child at their school friends party, you realise what an imposition for the other family it is?

Me too, it doesn't cost extra to have another adult.People just love to complain without even taking any action to prevent it

I know, it's bizarre. Just don't cater for the adults, I've never known that to be a thing anyway.

Totally agree OP. My dm and df were like that, so much so that neither developed individual friends and just had ‘couple’ friends. When df died young at age 60, my mum literally had no-one outside family who she could meet up with. She didn’t want to socialise with the couples by herself as she felt awkward. And that’s the problem with being totally dependent on your partner - once they’re no longer there you’re alone as far as friends go, because you didn’t maintain friendships when you were just in your little family unit. It’s an unhealthy way to live.

Agree - only one of these is really weird. The information evening one I can understand it being annoying them bringing other children and that’s the weird part, not both parents attending.

A lot of couples don’t get a great deal of time together in the week if they both work and are busy with children so yes, of course weekends do tend to have more of a family focus. Why would they not?

DH and I are both very independent, capable people, have separate groups of friends and even holiday separately sometimes but we do actually like each other so time spent together is…fun.

"Two parents staring at little Johnny staring st little Tommy as Tommy opens his presents as a family bonding activity, slightly 🙄 unless there's something else going on (say a Forces parent home from leave)"

I completely agree! Some people really don't get that the world doesn't revolve around their family unit, it's creepy.

I'll probably get deleted for saying this but @rarge and @Thinkbiglittleone you are giving me serious sock puppet vibes.

But I've seen many a thread on here from people wondering why they haven't got any friends / no one to babysit DC / their friends have started to exclude them / don't know anyone at the school gates.

To play devils advocate You could argue we see so many threads about marriages failing and couples growing apart, naturally if you don't spend time together that will happen. Relationships take time to grow and stay together.

Come on. It's quite clear that the OP isn't referring to people who have no choice.

I can confidently state that the secret to my happy marriage has never been my family turning up en masse to pre school birthday parties. How embarassing if that's the glue that holds your relationship together.

I do think some couples are overly co-dependent and I worry how they will cope when (inevitably) one is left alone. My DPs had pretty independent lives (not as much as mine!) and thankfully now that my mum is on her own after 60 years of marriage she still has loads of friends, interests etc and is not moping around.

but I will say that having seen several of my friends' mums widowed in the last couple of years, the ones that are coping better are the ones who led lives slightly more independently of their DHs

I agree with you @Ragwort and @Gooseysgirl. DH is 7 years older than me. He has had cancer and a stroke. Statistically it is very likely that I will outlive him. We actually do spend a lot of time with each other, but both enjoy time independently away from each other as well - he went on a walking holiday with his cousin recently without me. I visited my sister for a few days without him.

Because it is rude to rock up to someone's house with your other half to a kids party. It is not a family day out!

“But it's not their other half arriving, it's the child's parent”

It’s both the parents though. When DD was little very occasionally both parents rocked up at soft play parties, but more usually it was just one because the other parent was at home with the other children. Having both parents turn up at a house party would have been very unexpected. I wouldn’t have had room in my house to accommodate 12 parents and six children.

I can confidently state that the secret to my happy marriage has never been my family turning up en masse to pre school birthday parties. How embarassing if that's the glue that holds your relationship together.

😂😂😂 come on now, Sadly my DH can very rarely make parties, I don't mean just attending parties. I mean this view (as the thread started) of couples doing things together shows one is insecure. It's quite a sad view IMO to have be that judgy and hold that view

@Mummyford

Both my husband and I can certainly manage on or own, and did countless times, even when they were quite small, but it was certainly nicer when there were two of us. Four hands, four eyes and two adult brains for conversation and companionship makes herding 3 kids a much more pleasurable experience.

I was quite clearly talking about the person the OP spoke to who told her she was brave to take her own children out alone.

I'll probably get deleted for saying this but @rarge and @Thinkbiglittleone you are giving me serious sock puppet vibes

I'm afraid not, just 2 people it appears with the same view. Crazy I know

Grief after losing your life partner is normal.

Being at a total loss to do anything by yourself because you became codependent is not.

I love my DH very much, we have an amazing relationship, but we are not joined at the hip. I would be devastated if something happened to him, we don't love each other less just because we are capable of doing basic life tasks on our own.

I enjoy spending time with H. 🤷

There is an in between though!

You can spend lots of quality time with your partner and still be perfectly fine to spent an evening with the girls, or go to the supermarket on your own.

The idea that living in each others pockets all the time is healthy is frankly bizarre.

My children will remember their mum and dad being close. The partnership and unity. They'll remember that dad was there at the school gates with mum to tell us both about their exciting day (on dad's/mum's non working days of course). I don't see why one parent needs to be excluded from child events whether something exciting or the mundane daily stuff. Why would my husband have to sit at home waiting because I left to do the school run? Why can't he too welcome our babies out of school?

My DSis and her DH are like some people here. Would never dream of joining the other parent unless it was a specific family event that requires both of them to attend. Ask DSIS what her relationship is like and she says it's great.

From the outside? They're fucking miserable. Constantly nipping at each other. Distant. No PDA. Not knowing stuff about the kids without checking the family calendar or whatever. The kids are like that too. Not close, always fighting. Yet DSIS still maintains that they're happy, just not "co-dependant" like DH and I (DH and I can and do spend time apart but give a choice would always rather be together). I will never feel like I'm co-dependent or weak just because I opt to spend time with my husband rather than alone. What's the point? It's boring otherwise.

I enjoy spending time with H

So do I, but I am perfectly capable of doing some things without him, and in some cases prefer to. He doesn't share all of my interests. I am not prepared to stay at home and sulk on the settee next to him because he won't go to a food festival or agricultural show with me. And I have no interest in going to watch a rugby match with him.

Do all these couples who never spend time apart not have separate interests?

Shared email addresses baffles me.

Who is insecure? How are you drawing this conclusion?

There is an in between though!
You can spend lots of quality time with your partner and still be perfectly fine to spent an evening with the girls, or go to the supermarket on your own

Of course there, there is a balance, but that's not for anyone else to judge and make assumptions about others for, it's bizarre why you would be so over invested to make these assumptions even it could be a million reasons, why judge.

The idea that living in each others pockets all the time is healthy is frankly bizarre.

But that's for those people to determine, not a stranger.
My Aunt does nothing outside of her kids, grandkids and husband, she is perfectly happy, she doesn't want friends, never has. They have a very loving and happy relationship. It wouldn't be my cup of tea, but I wouldn't throw shade at it because it wouldn't work for me.

Who is insecure? How are you drawing this conclusion?

Have you read the opening post where the OP draws that conclusion ?

I've read the OP I don't see any insecurity. I see her struggling to understand the mindset of people like you. I read your defensive posts. I have a sense of where the insecurity is...