To not understand why some couples have to do everything together

[cadburyegg]

I see this SO often. Examples

• both parents coming to another child's birthday party with their only child
• both parents coming to school pick up
• my ex in laws won't do anything separately - mil won't go shopping without fil
• at an info evening for reception, several children had both parents there, which meant their (often multiple children) were there too, causing disruption and making it tricky to hear what was being said
• refusing to make plans with friends at the weekend because it's "family time"
• when I was on maternity leave with DC2 I took both children out for the day and saw someone I know. She couldn't believe my bravery at taking both of the children out by myself
• on more than one occasion I have met up with a friend and their partner has also been there or has shown up half way through lunch etc, which I wasn't aware of. Totally changes the dynamic
• I see it on Mumsnet too - one person not wanting to go to a family meal and leave the other with the children

I know it's nice to have family time of course but I struggle with the idea that some people can't do anything on their own.
I'm a single parent AND an only child and so I'm used to doing things on my own with or without the children! My children are NOT easy either before anyone comments, DC1 is hypersensitive and very clingy whilst DC2 had delayed motor skills which means he still struggles with some physical stuff. So AIBU? I don't get it. I'm sure there are valid reasons but what are they?

YANBU.

As an example, which I actually imagine isn’t uncommon, there was a couple with an only child in my DD’s class who came EVERYWHERE together, even the school gates. They split up and it turns out, as she told us on a mum’s night out, he’d been coercive and controlling for years and she ended up having to flee. The constant being with her is part of that. I felt so sorry for her

Because it is rude to rock up to someone's house with your other half to a kids party. It is not a family day out!

But it's not their other half arriving, it's the child's parent.
It's an event for the child that the parents may want to share with them.
I've never know a person to bat an eye at both parents arriving. It happens a fair bit where we live

When we threw our DS reception party at a soft play, one parent txt to ask if they could bring a sibling if they paid for them, I couldn't understand why it even needed to be a thing, the more the merrier, she was paying for her, she said obviously we don't expect a party bag or anything, i of course made sure she got one anyway.
I don't understand how people live their lives so uptight, it must be so boring.

That's why I'm making the point that the degree to which they do things together matters and can have an impact on others. I have a circle of female friends who wouldn't mind if mine or theirs DHs turned up on our night out. I have another which will absolutely hate it and imposing our partners on a girls night out will be totally selfish and ruin it. Simply, people need to be self-aware and most of us know some who are totally oblivious/selfish.

So if your partner cant skip work for every school event and due to childcare you cant go to every single party en masse, you're not a real family??

I’d be amazed at anyone who was happy for DHs to turn up to a girls night out. They’re probably too afraid to tell you it’s annoying AF

It’s so rude. Some people have small houses. Then they bring siblings too. Height of ignorance for a whole family to go to someone’s house for a kids party.

It's an event for the child that the parents may want to share with them. Someone else's party isn't an event for your child.

I've never know a person to bat an eye at both parents arriving. It happens a fair bit where we live which is great if you all habe houses large enough for a dozen kids and two dozen adults and you can afford to have enough catering in for two dozen adults. Not every one can, that doesn't mean they shouldn't have a party for their kids

I love your attitude @Thinkbiglittleone, that's nice of you.

I am perplexed by the party uprightness. If it's an issue, the host would stare beforehand, surely?

I can understand it more with older couples whose children have grown up or who are retired (or those that don't have children) as there are less demands on their time usually, but I just think it makes sense when you are juggling work and childcare to divide things a bit eg one go shopping while the other takes kids to activity, one clean while the other at a kids party, one spend some one to one time with one child while the other take the other to a party or event etc. Or indeed one look after the kids while the other gets much needed alone time or time with friends.

In most cases that still leaves some time for the couple or family to spend time together, hopefully enjoying each others company all the more for not trying to get jobs done or entertain bored siblings in unsuitable circumstances, and for having more to talk about after some time apart!

Of Course there are cases where they need to do more together eg disabilities, mental health etc, or having very limited time together due to one working away a lot etc which I totally understand. And probably these might apply to some of the people OP is thinking of, but i totally understand her point. It's not about not liking spending time with your other half!

I can get irritated about stuff like this. Invited ds friend from nursery for a playdate. They are young so parent would come too. All arrangements made with the mum.
On the day, doorbell goes and there is friend, mum and surprise daddy too! And yes it does impact me because I've never met him before and now I have to sit and make small talk with him for 2 hours. And feed him. And listen to him going on about his work. It was just hugely irritating. Another of my friends has a dh that keeps "popping in to say hello" if we go out for a drink. I find it controlling. And irritating. I am not leaving MY dh at home to go and spend time talking to yours!!!

we divide and conquer alot. No family around, big age gap, kids often have conflicting parties, sports and playdates. We work full time so we have to split the to do list and crack on. No time to go together. If we had time, would we? Dont think so. I am an efficient person, whatever is quickest. We have plenty of special family time. Plenty. They dont include other peoples birthday parties or the sainsburys run though.

I've taken my kids to parties where siblings have been welcomed but also others where there simply hasn't been the space. One I went to recently was a mission based one and there was no way that every child's family would have fitted. The key is communicating in advance. Obviously as a single parent I do need to know if siblings will be allowed so I can make arrangements. But to bring my other child without asking in advance would be shockingly rude.

The bitter single parent comment made me laugh 😂 I ended the relationship with my kids dad, not the other way round. I'd hardly be bitter about it!

Someone else's party isn't an event for your child

It's an event that our child is attending and involved in.

which is great if you all habe houses large enough for a dozen kids and two dozen adults
If they don't have large houses they normally say drop the kids and no parents stay, initially the ones that come together have asked, then it's just the norm. No big deal.

and you can afford to have enough catering in for two dozen adults
They don't cater for the parents, they cater for the children. The parents wouldn't expect to be catered for even if only one arrived.

Not every one can, that doesn't mean they shouldn't have a party for their kids
Of course it doesn't, I'm not sure I have said anywhere it does ? every child should have a party if they can.

Honestly, it wouldn't occur to me that MY child's party is a family event for one of his friends to the point that both parents need to come and watch their child celebrate my child's birthday.
Soft play and extra kids is fine, pay your way. Got several kids invited so second adult for back up, totally get it. Two parents staring at little Johnny staring st little Tommy as Tommy opens his presents as a family bonding activity, slightly 🙄 unless there's something else going on (say a Forces parent home from leave)

You just sound like an unfriendly host by complaining about guests. Put it on the invite if you don't like parents interacting with their children or space is tight, i don't know why that would bother you

Talking older children deffo isn't on but I have hand on heart never seen that

(Unless the party parent says you can bring another child or pay your way)

I wouldn't have a party at a house where parents are staying and then expect them to drink tap water all afternoon 🙄

And no you didnt, but usially on these threads someone pipes up with the "well if you can't afford to do EVERYTHING for EVERYONE you shouldn't do anything!

There’s been a couple of posters saying some women haven’t coped well when their partners have died. Maybe that’s the price of deep and lasting love. Grief. You can’t escape that. Yes you can have other interests and friends/activities but If you’re in a mutually, respectful and loving relationship that’s lasted for many years you will most certainly suffer to some degree.

I mean @rarge I've never known such downers on a party situation.

I love seeing families wanting to spend time together, it's lovely that both parents want to be present in their child's little social life.

To start being all horrible saying it means they are insecure it's just that, horrible.

It’s normal to prioritise your partner and children over friends.
people who don’t have good relationships with their partners (or any relationship at all) struggle to understand that because they don’t know what it’s like

Me too, it doesn't cost extra to have another adult. People just love to complain without even taking any action to prevent it.

‘Prioritising’ doesn’t mean ‘bringing everywhere with absolutely no exceptions’

I 100% agree. There are women who cannot fill up a car with fuel, men who don’t do a thing around the house, and also shockingly women who don’t/refuse to learn to drive and expect partner to drive them around,

Supermarkets seem to be a haven for these people who cannot bear to be apart. Bring along the children, Saturday afternoon trip out. Even better for everyone else trying to bypass kids messing around in the aisles, women looking harassed and man trailing behind. All very sensible (not!).

I wouldn't have a party at a house where parents are staying and then expect them to drink tap water all afternoon 🙄

Don't be so dramatic 😂
A party is normally a couple of hours, an extra glass of cordial at most. If you feel you should provide more to parents that's on you.

And no you didnt, but usially on these threads someone pipes up with the "well if you can't afford to do EVERYTHING for EVERYONE you shouldn't do anything!

I'm certainly not one of those people, and wouldn't like to be judged as one. I get everyone's situation is different.

I mean I guess I know what you mean- but who cares? Why do you care so much? I find that pretty odd.