To not understand why some couples have to do everything together

[cadburyegg]

I see this SO often. Examples

• both parents coming to another child's birthday party with their only child
• both parents coming to school pick up
• my ex in laws won't do anything separately - mil won't go shopping without fil
• at an info evening for reception, several children had both parents there, which meant their (often multiple children) were there too, causing disruption and making it tricky to hear what was being said
• refusing to make plans with friends at the weekend because it's "family time"
• when I was on maternity leave with DC2 I took both children out for the day and saw someone I know. She couldn't believe my bravery at taking both of the children out by myself
• on more than one occasion I have met up with a friend and their partner has also been there or has shown up half way through lunch etc, which I wasn't aware of. Totally changes the dynamic
• I see it on Mumsnet too - one person not wanting to go to a family meal and leave the other with the children

I know it's nice to have family time of course but I struggle with the idea that some people can't do anything on their own.
I'm a single parent AND an only child and so I'm used to doing things on my own with or without the children! My children are NOT easy either before anyone comments, DC1 is hypersensitive and very clingy whilst DC2 had delayed motor skills which means he still struggles with some physical stuff. So AIBU? I don't get it. I'm sure there are valid reasons but what are they?

Oh give over. You've provided a very random example.
Why should only one parent accompany their child to a birthday party? Maybe the other parent sees so little of their child that they'd like to be part of their child's life which they rarely see.

I do everything with my husband. I love it, he loves it , what possible harm does it cause anyone at all?

I don't think op ever said it was weird to both want to be involved in school events. She was talking about an information presentation not a personal parents evening about your child or an event like sports day they are involved in. A one to one patents evening appointment we do always try to both go to if we can, but there our kids arent really disturbing anyone but us. If its just getting info about the school we wouldn't both feel the need to go and even if we did we wouldn't be rude enough to continue with that if our children were spoiling it for other people. To be fair though that might be less to do with being a couple and more to do with a general sense of entitlement / ignorance of how their actions affect other people.

I used to think both parents doing the school run was a bit odd but DH and I have done it a few times and DC3 loves it. Also parents evening, I used to go by myself but then thought actually DH should be going so we would go together if we could find someone to watch the children. Secondary school we both go. Socially if we are going out with our own friends it wouldn't cross my mind for DH to come with me.

Because it can be irritating for other people! The nursery foyer is tiny, if everyone tagged along as a couple to collect their kid there wouldn’t be room for anyone else. Plus there’s a 1 in 1 out policy since covid and limited to 6 people, so even more annoying.

I also get what PP said about husbands/boyfriends tagging along to girls stuff. I’ve had this a few times and it’s so awkward. I don’t want to make polite chit chat with your husband I want to hang out with my mates! Where are his!

Actually now I think about it all the couples I know like this, the tag-a-long doesn’t have any friends so their other half feels like they have to ‘include’ them.

Because it is rude to rock up to someone's house with your other half to a kids party. It is not a family day out!

It’s not for me at all OP, I would just feel so suffocated. I always think there might be a degree of desperation and/or control in it too along the line from either or both… not in every case obviously. If it makes people happy then whatever, but yes, definitely not for me.

Over the years we have spent more time together than the average family as DH has WFH since DD was small. We always have had evening meals together. DH and I used to take it in turns to take her to school, and DH came to parents evenings with me, but he would have rather watched paint dry while eating hair than take her to a children's party and stayed with her (he would have dropped her off no problem, but staying would have been another thing entirely).

DH and I don't like all the same things. We have a different taste in some films for example, he likes watching sport and I don't, I have joined a local fundraising charity that he has no interest in so I attend meetings without him. I think this is all part of a normal and healthy relationship.

But presumably if you had the choice between A - a parent coming to the evening alone or B - both parents coming with their 4 year old and twin toddlers and allowing the kids to run around making noise which meant the parents couldn't actually hear what was being said, you'd choose option A. Or, if you ever had option B, you'd prefer it if one of the parents took the kids out for 10 minutes.

Of course @cadburyegg but that’s as I said, sometimes both parents can’t attend and childcare may be a reason.The above hasn’t really happened to me really. Parents are more than welcome to bring their other children, they often do and so far no one has been running riot in the classroom. I manage a class of 32, I’ve had toddlers myself so if a child was making noise I’m sure I’d manage to make my points above the din, it’s within my repertoire of skills 😄 two parents actually left their 9 day old newborn with a grandparent for our most recent parent evening and my job share colleague and I were thoroughly disappointed, we would have liked to have seen her! Most parents wouldn’t choose to bring a child that they know is going to be very disruptive to a parents evening if they don’t need to. And some parents, if they are alone do need to, and we would manage. So it’s just a bit of a non-issue to get wound up about in all honesty.

Yeah it's a bit cringy when the whole family have to tour the supermarket together clogging up the queue area and blocking the aisles.

Some people don't seem to be able to be independent...

So why can't the other parent take them?

It doesn't really matter is its a huge hall or soft play etc with tons of space where you're paying for your own catering, but if we're talking about someones house where space is limited and youre expecting at least basic hospitality, you don't mire than the minimum needed which is 1

Tbf OP, if I have to suffer a kids birthday party, like fuck does my DH get to sit at home.

😆

I don’t really get the problem? I like spending time with my DH. He’s my favourite person to be with. So, for many people, it’s as simple as that.

I also value my alone time and don’t do everything with DH, although I probably do most things with him. We just like each other more than we like most other people.

Yes, this is our dynamic. We both work FT and have three kids so to be honest we both crave a bit of "alone" time. Which is typically "alone time doing the food shop" rather than anything more fun 😄. We go together to parents evenings, etc. but things like school pickup/drop off? It would never occur to us to do chores together like that.

I would find it a little suffocating if my husband insisted on coming with me to, say, take the kids to the dentist or collect the dog from daycare. I want to chill out with an audiobook!

As for kids birthday parties - ugh. I tolerated them and made small talk where necessary but insisted that my husband do his fair share so that it didn't all fall on me. Again, we looked on these as chores rather than "family time" and I do find it strange that others see it differently.

Me and DH don't do everything together but we do most things. We go shopping together most of the time. It would seem strange for just one of us to do a big shop. If we just need a couple of things DH will often go to the shop on his way home from work or just go out on his own to get them.

We do go to each other's hospital and GP appointments. To us, that is normal. If either of us is seeing friends the other would never go.

About once a month DH has a 4 hour round journey to go and pick up boilers and often I will go with him. It means we can chat to each other on the journey, he is not having to make the journey alone and we will go for something to eat while we are out or stop off somewhere nice to look round. I expect a lot of people find that strange.

We have been married 42 years and still very much in love. We like being together and never seem to run out of things to chat about.

Every couple is different. We like to walk our dogs together. Again, it gives us a chance to chat and is time spent together with no interruptions like phone calls (DH is self employed and his customers ring all times of the day and night).

A lot of our neighbours have dogs but hardly any of them walk them together. Some there is only one that ever walks them and some both walk them but always separately. None of them have young children so they could walk together.

I do have neighbours that take the doing everything together to extremes. They have 4 young children. Neither of them work so they are together all day every day. They all have to go shopping together, often 2 or 3 times a week. Even during lockdown they all went to the supermarket. They can both drive so no reason they all need to go.

Last month I saw them putting the children in their car. It was about 6pm and I asked if they were going anywhere nice. They were going to pick up a takeaway! Now I do think that is weird. Just why would you drag 4 children along when just once of you could go?

Because it is rude to rock up to someone's house with your other half to a kids party. It is not a family day out!

Better that than a boring chore as others have called it.

Sad Siamese Gimps

🤣😂

Ohh no, don’t get me wrong, it’s as boring as hell! Hate them. Rather hoover the street.

Mental and physical health problems mean that people need support so do things together. Some days (weeks) I don’t leave the house unless I have my partner with me. I’m the only one who drives, so have to take my partner to appointments. Oh, and our toddler has to come too as we have no childcare

My mind boggles that this is a thing, that people actually notice and cars that much about how other people happily go about their lives.

I've never heard it (apart from on here obviously )rude for parents to arrive at a child's party, we account for both parents coming, as why wouldn't they if they can? Why is only one parent allowed to experience that with their child ?
It's normal in our area.

I don't know anyone (apart from your ex MIL) who can't go the shop for milk on their own, unless disability reasons. Nor have I ever heard of it off anyone else, so I think your Ex Mil is a very, very niche case.

Surely even if you don't want to spend time with your partner or your partner doesn't want to spend time with your child, you can understand that others do?

Or shared Facebook profile 🙈

Ur just a bitter single parent

Each to their own... but I will say that having seen several of my friends' mums widowed in the last couple of years, the ones that are coping better are the ones who led lives slightly more independently of their DHs 🤷🏻‍♀️ We don't go to each other's medical appts, rarely shop together, are happy to meet up with friends alone, always take turns with school drop off pickup (too busy to do it together, and commutes some allow it), but we have plenty of family time together. I think we would drive each other nuts if we were in each other's pockets all the time. But for other couples it's different and good luck to them.

My mother and her partner do everything together. To the point where I have barely seen her alone in twenty years. They even went food shopping together during lockdown when couples were not allowed and one would stay in the car!

@cadburyegg YABU , the only point I agree with is
on more than one occasion I have met up with a friend and their partner has also been there or has shown up half way through lunch etc, which I wasn't aware of. Totally changes the dynamic

We did often join each other after work but the rest of the group would always be well aware that this would be happening , and only if we were meeting up for a few drinks in our local

@HundredMilesAnHour
So you think I am a dreadful person ?
Can you explain this please ?

You know absolutely nothing about the life me and DH led , we both worked long hard hours , often on shifts so we would not see each other for more that s few mins a day when one was getting up and the other was going to bed.
Even when we were both on similar shifts we would be knackered so come home cook eat and chat for a bit then go to bed .
So yes when we had a day off together we went out together shopping going for a meal / drink meeting friends / going for a walk or whatever .

If that makes us dreadful people you have a very skewed view of life

I am certain we were not the only ones in this situation