To not understand why some couples have to do everything together

[cadburyegg]

I see this SO often. Examples

• both parents coming to another child's birthday party with their only child
• both parents coming to school pick up
• my ex in laws won't do anything separately - mil won't go shopping without fil
• at an info evening for reception, several children had both parents there, which meant their (often multiple children) were there too, causing disruption and making it tricky to hear what was being said
• refusing to make plans with friends at the weekend because it's "family time"
• when I was on maternity leave with DC2 I took both children out for the day and saw someone I know. She couldn't believe my bravery at taking both of the children out by myself
• on more than one occasion I have met up with a friend and their partner has also been there or has shown up half way through lunch etc, which I wasn't aware of. Totally changes the dynamic
• I see it on Mumsnet too - one person not wanting to go to a family meal and leave the other with the children

I know it's nice to have family time of course but I struggle with the idea that some people can't do anything on their own.
I'm a single parent AND an only child and so I'm used to doing things on my own with or without the children! My children are NOT easy either before anyone comments, DC1 is hypersensitive and very clingy whilst DC2 had delayed motor skills which means he still struggles with some physical stuff. So AIBU? I don't get it. I'm sure there are valid reasons but what are they?

I totally get what you mean with some people. I had a friend who couldn't do anything without her partner. Even tried inviting him and the kids on a girls weekend. Always had to get back from things quick because he couldn't look after them for too long alone etc. That is annoying.

However some of your examples aren't necessarily due to not being able to do stuff alone. Where it concerns the kids both my husband and I are very active parents. I'm not the one that does everything like some mums. So parents evening we would both go (though would have someone watch kids) same with other things to do with school if free. Pick up only one of us would routinely do unless we both happened to be on way back or to somewhere or maybe for a surprise (our kids would like that). Birthday parties one of us would do unless we were friendly with the parents running the party in which case we might both go (and other friends have done similar).

Weekends for us are about family time as husband and I both have hectic jobs and dont get much quality time with the kids in the week however we don't rule out doing stuff solo with friends or whatever- just not all the time. So I get why people may not say yes to everything but I think saying no all the time is extreme as its healthy to still have your own life outside being a mum and wife. But again, for us at least spending time together isnt because we can't apart.

I loved it when both mum and dad came to pick me up. Why do you think it's strange for couples to do things with their child together?

"Still remember years ago a friend of my ne (no longer 😁) who should've been at my hen night, turned up with her husband to my DH stag DGS."

Hen and stag nights are specifically single sex outings though. Most evenings out with friends aren't.

I actually took your post seriously for a millisecond. 😹😹😹

Ex friend and husband were like this. It to the point - they had to both ‘discuss how they jointly answered every text each other got’

@Gwenhwyfar

Depends entirely on the arrangements beforehand. If you’ve agreed to just go out with the women then you leave the husbands at home. Likewise they often go out for their own nights with each other and do not take their wives out.

Couples nights are exactly that ….. going out with other couples.

I like my husband and he, being the other parent of our kids, wants to attend our children's events, info days, parents evenings etc.

Should I not like my DH?

Same with the school run, like a PP said i'm also quite surprised when there's couples there regularly picking up a kid, i'm often wondering don't they have work ?

But if you’re there @gonuts you don’t have work either presumably? They could wonder the same about you. Why do they need to be at work if you’re not?
It may surprise you, but not all jobs are 9-5 out of the house.
You sound like the OP. Making bizarre assumptions about people because they pick their kids up from school together. Not only are these parents all co-dependent, they’re all unemployed too 😂

so people actually ENJOY time with their partner and believe in joint parenting where BOTH parent take an active part in their kids lives together at the same time.

Its called being a family.

That sounds like flatmates!

Yikes!

I know what you mean OP, my dad and stepmother are like this. They don’t go anywhere without each other, ever. It’s weird and unhealthy in my opinion. Do they not ever feel like doing something alone, or different to what the other one wants to do? Today DH took DD to the beach with MIL, I don’t like the heat and wanted to stay home watching Netflix so I did 🤷🏼‍♀️

But presumably if you had the choice between A - a parent coming to the evening alone or B - both parents coming with their 4 year old and twin toddlers and allowing the kids to run around making noise which meant the parents couldn't actually hear what was being said, you'd choose option A. Or, if you ever had option B, you'd prefer it if one of the parents took the kids out for 10 minutes.

Yes! Please #BeKind !!!!!

Exactly. Imagine organising a baby shower and one of the invitees assumed she could bring her husband without even asking.

What’s next? DPs on stag and hen dos?!

I suppose I'm dick then. My husband comes everywhere with me because I can't push my own wheelchair. We like each other's company though.
He goes out without me to the gym etc, but I can't go out without him.

@PollyRockets i'm talking about this happening "regularly", you seem to be referring to the odd occasion, being a novelty.

But that’s not because they decided to go together. That’s because they didn’t get a babysitter.
A single parent would have to bring their other children….. or choose to get a babysitter. Are you saying the single parent shouldn’t attend if they can’t get a babysitter?
Equally, a mum or dad could bring their other children along whilst leaving the other parent at home. You point here has nothing to do with couples doing things together.

I guess in some cases it helps the relationship stay strong. ?

Also if my DH and children arent there then its NOT a family meal, they are my family it would just be an event with extended family and my extended family would FULLY expect my DH and children to attend as I would expect theres too aswell.

Ohhh bless you ❤
So many people on MN don’t think before they type. I‘ m glad you have your lovely husband to help you x

@BeanieTeen lol but i'm not there with my kids dad, that's the point!! I'm on my own! and not every day.

Plus i'm well aware people don't work 9-5, I work 7-3 and some late shifts.

I don’t think OP was at all referring to a situation like Sugarplum’s, and I think you know this.

It seems more odd to be on the outside judging. Are you somehow wistful?

Otherwise I really can't see why you'd care. It's not your relationship. I'd draw the line at someone bringing partner to girls night out, aside from that people shouldn't have to justify/apologise for/rush to prove they've seperate activities going on.

I couldn't do an intense level of togetherness but it doesn't bother me when others are like that. We can't all be the same and your way doesn't have to be the right way for others

My parents do this!!! drives me bonkers.

cordless phones were hell in my family. If the phone rang my dad would stand infront of my mum so she could hear the whole conversation he was having. They now read texts out to each other before they send.

my mum won’t go shopping without my dad and vice Versa. So we have to get all their Christmas presents for each other. Drives me bonkers.

I dread to think how they will cope when one of them is alone.

yep, My B/SIL was like this they in the end couldnt handle it and split because they where just strangers that lived in the same building - 2 decades wasted with someone they didnt ACTUALLY like, baffles me.