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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not understand why some couples have to do everything together

791 replies

cadburyegg · 13/08/2022 16:48

I see this SO often. Examples

  • both parents coming to another child's birthday party with their only child
  • both parents coming to school pick up
  • my ex in laws won't do anything separately - mil won't go shopping without fil
  • at an info evening for reception, several children had both parents there, which meant their (often multiple children) were there too, causing disruption and making it tricky to hear what was being said
  • refusing to make plans with friends at the weekend because it's "family time"
  • when I was on maternity leave with DC2 I took both children out for the day and saw someone I know. She couldn't believe my bravery at taking both of the children out by myself
  • on more than one occasion I have met up with a friend and their partner has also been there or has shown up half way through lunch etc, which I wasn't aware of. Totally changes the dynamic
  • I see it on Mumsnet too - one person not wanting to go to a family meal and leave the other with the children

I know it's nice to have family time of course but I struggle with the idea that some people can't do anything on their own.
I'm a single parent AND an only child and so I'm used to doing things on my own with or without the children! My children are NOT easy either before anyone comments, DC1 is hypersensitive and very clingy whilst DC2 had delayed motor skills which means he still struggles with some physical stuff. So AIBU? I don't get it. I'm sure there are valid reasons but what are they?

OP posts:
Indiana2021 · 13/08/2022 19:33

I'm with you OP. It doesn't take two people to go to kids parties or an info evening. I find it odd too.

lickenchugget · 13/08/2022 19:33

Can’t see what is wrong with two parents going to a school meeting, why would it just be up to one. Sounds a tiny bit bitter, to be honest.

The crashing a lunch thing is weird, but I’ve never known anyone to do that.

Nidan2Sandan · 13/08/2022 19:34

Dh and I are very independent of each other. Separate hobbies most evenings, plenty we do enjoy doing together as well.

The supermarket thing makes me laugh, I love going to the supermarket on my own! Mostly because it ends up cheaper 😂

I had a friend back in our 20s who did nothing without her partner. I remember her texting me stressed as she needed milk and break for the morning but she wouldnt go get them for the co-op up the hill until her DH was able to go with her and he was running late home from work.

I have a friend who wont ever miss a dinner with her DH. To the point we could be socialising but she has to be home in time for dinner or she wont come out till after dinner.

Gardeningismythingwithawine · 13/08/2022 19:36

we also go to parents evening together, didn’t realise there was anything wrong with that?

no one is talking about parents evening! good grief read the post first

Gwenhwyfar · 13/08/2022 19:36

BeanieTeen · 13/08/2022 19:05

But if it's a girls' night out lesbian partners are allowed. How is that OK, but not male partners?

Surely you’ve answered your own question there @Gwenhwyfar ? I think the big clue is in the phrase ‘girl’s night out’…

Yeah, but the complaint is about people bringing partners!
I have no interest in socialising only with women. I do prefer my friends to other people, but I don't see why you'd want new lesbian partners, but not hetero ones.

rarge · 13/08/2022 19:36

RampantIvy · 13/08/2022 19:32

That sounds intense but they sound happier than you.

I don't get that impression at all.

You don't think that poster sounds extremely over-invested in other people's relationships, most likely a friend they're bad mouthing? It's loser behaviour, sorry.

Bubbafly · 13/08/2022 19:36

BoredOnSaturday · 13/08/2022 19:33

Wow. How unhappy do you have to be to post this?

Show quote history

I am far from unhappy Miss Boring.

But I would be if my husband was superglued to my hip like that but thanks for your concern.

SleepingStandingUp · 13/08/2022 19:37

DancingBeanstalk · 13/08/2022 19:00

DH and I do everything together because we love spending time with each other.

We’re a couple, a team, we chose to spend our lives together and we want to experience life together.

I think if you’d ever had that connection with someone you would understand.

Some of us have that connection but also realise how unhealthy it is to lose your independence, your friendships, your autonomy etc.

Cinderella1 · 13/08/2022 19:37

Gwenhwyfar · 13/08/2022 19:23

Not true in my case. I've known some of my female friends' partners for 20 years. I'd rather those male partners turn up than new lesbian partners because it is somehow a women's night. I don't see why socialising should be segregated by sex.

Show quote history

Perhaps not to you but generally very rude! Still remember years ago a friend of my ne (no longer 😁) who should've been at my hen night, turned up with her husband to my DH stag DGS. Neither of them apparently saw the problem. Never mind that my DH barely new him, let alone her and it completely changed the feel and flow of the night for everyone. Sorry but that's just not on!

rarge · 13/08/2022 19:37

And calling your mate and partner sad Siamese gimps. Oh yes, that oozes happiness to be that critical of them over something so harmless.

Bubbafly · 13/08/2022 19:37

rarge · 13/08/2022 19:36

You don't think that poster sounds extremely over-invested in other people's relationships, most likely a friend they're bad mouthing? It's loser behaviour, sorry.

Show quote history

Not a friend no but a neighbour...hence why I know about the bins :)

Macaroni1924 · 13/08/2022 19:37

My DH and I do anything we can together so if we can both take dd to clubs or go to a parents night then we do, his shifts don’t always allow for this. We enjoy each other’s company and spend what we can together which often revolves around dd. If I was to say oh I will just go to sports day he would say no I want to see dd too. We had 7 years of ivf for her so I think both don’t want to miss a moment as she will likely be our only one. We do lots apart too due to our work hours. We both have the odd night out without the other one. On his days off he does all the bedtime routine, makes dinners etc. He often takes her to the park for an hour to give me a rest. The rest of the week and weekend it’s me and dd. I have to say though from dd being a baby if she was crying or being too noisy one of us always left as that is just inconsiderate.

Gwenhwyfar · 13/08/2022 19:37

Dalaidramailama · 13/08/2022 19:07

@BeanieTeen

haha yes exactly GIRLS night out. Lesbians more than welcome…… 😂 Perhaps we need to be more specific.

Its rather fucking annoying when you’re on a girls night out and someone brings someone along with a penis. Right, hope that’s cleared that up.

No, not clear at all. Do you want to meet up with your friends or just some people with vaginas?
I see the point of sex segregation for certain things like toilets and changing rooms and sports, but the point of a night out is to meet up with friends isn't it?

Bubbafly · 13/08/2022 19:38

rarge · 13/08/2022 19:37

And calling your mate and partner sad Siamese gimps. Oh yes, that oozes happiness to be that critical of them over something so harmless.

Not my mate...mate!

gonuts · 13/08/2022 19:38

I totally agree with you OP!
A lot of the examples you gave show real co dependence.
Fair enough you like each other's company, but why would the other person want to go to the supermarket if you had the option not to?!
Same with the school run, like a PP said i'm also quite surprised when there's couples there regularly picking up a kid, i'm often wondering don't they have work ?

sjxoxo · 13/08/2022 19:38

I think many people are in a couple because they like spending time together.. and then you want to share the experiences of having your child and doing things together! What’s the point tbh if you don’t enjoy it..we can do this separately but often if we are both at home not working it’s nice to do it together xo

SleepingStandingUp · 13/08/2022 19:40

lickenchugget · 13/08/2022 19:33

Can’t see what is wrong with two parents going to a school meeting, why would it just be up to one. Sounds a tiny bit bitter, to be honest.

The crashing a lunch thing is weird, but I’ve never known anyone to do that.

Two adults going assuming it isn't limited spaces, is fine. The issue seems to be when that means dragging a handful of young kids there which then disturbs everyone else so they can't listen, rather than saying (even if you have to leave the house together because its just a cold shell without them) one of us will wait outside with the kids / pop to the shops etc so everyone can hear. A single parent taking children is accepted as no childcare, no choice but two parents sat their allowing the kids to be disruptive is selfish.

gonuts · 13/08/2022 19:40

RainbowRabbit33 · 13/08/2022 17:25

I'm sorry you find DH and me such inadequate humans 😂We meet many of your criteria. I don't think we're weirdos; have a glimpse into our world and see what you make to it ☺️

Kids parties are really dull on your own, especially when conversation runs dry with the other parents. Those parties in Reception were loooong. And very, very regular.

We do pick up on the way home from work. It would feel really odd for one of us to sit in the car and gaze out of the window/at the phone whilst the other went to pick her up (in Y3/4 we still have to go over to where their classrooms are to get them rather than wait in the car park for them to come to us).

During term time, we generally go to the supermarket before we go and pick her up from a sports match on Saturday mornings. We both want to see her play a bit (but not necessarily the whole match, see above re other parents and parties). During the holidays I suppose it's just habit to go together and DD enjoys ticking things off the list. To be honest I'd never really thought about it.

We went together to the Reception info evening because we were both really excited about her starting school - it seemed a huge step and we wanted to soak it all in. We're over that one now 😂.

I don't think we would ever say we refuse other plans, but we do prioritise family time. During the week we only see her for a couple of hours max in the evenings as she has to be in school by 0810 and goes to after school club so we can work. We don't usually pick her up until 1745, she's in bed at 1930 and has to have dinner and do music practice in that time.

I wouldn't have commented that you were amazing for taking your kids out and I wouldn't show up at DH's function (unless it was joint friends or something).

We're only ever invited to family things as a family, so that means all three of us. That might be influenced by the fact that neither DH nor I have much in the way of extended family, so it's mostly the GPs plus us.

I guess we might look very insular to you as you'd see us together a lot. It's not that we can't do anything apart it's governed more by convenience and our particular circumstances.

I don't hate the other school parents by the way, they are nice people and I am quite friendly with some of them. We don't have a huge amount in common with them besides school though, and there's only so many times I can discuss whether Miss Jones is more strict than Mr Brown!!

A lot of this seems to be associated with having one child/PFB, especially the comment about being really into the child starting reception.

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 13/08/2022 19:43

People have different personalities, different dynamics in their relationships and like doing things their own way.
people aren’t all the same. It’s really not that big a deal. I think partly we need to accept that everyone does things differently.

I guess you could try to take an extreme perspective of it being people incapable of doing things alone but similarly you could judge someone always alone in an extreme way as someone incapable of having a close relationship or as someone who doesn’t care about family time.

reality is probably a lot more boring and people just like spending time together even though they could do things alone.

Dalaidramailama · 13/08/2022 19:43

@Gwenhwyfar

I like to meet up with my friends. My friends are all women. Now and again ONE of the women will bring along her gooseberry husband much to the annoyance of us all. We like to have a night out WOMEN only. None of them are lesbians so we will not need to encounter anyone else so is that clear enough for you?

we don’t go out to meet new people we are all a bunch of friends who have been close since school and we like to catch up on each other’s lives mainly.

Do you understand now?

Fifife · 13/08/2022 19:43

My OH won't go out unless I decide where we are going apart from motorbike rides. He likes company.

BeanieTeen · 13/08/2022 19:45

we also go to parents evening together, didn’t realise there was anything wrong with that?

I’m a teacher and please know there’s nothing wrong with that, in fact it’s very much encouraged @Gardeningismythingwithawine Obviously for various reasons it’s not always possible to have both parents there, but both parents showing an interest in their child’s education is definitely a positive. And if both turn up I assume that’s why both parents are there - because they both want to hear about it their child from me and take a first hand look at their work. Never have I thought they are there together because they are codependent and can’t do things apart. That’s just bonkers.

Fifife · 13/08/2022 19:46

I do hate it when grown women won't go to the toilet on their own though. My friend always used to ask me or tag along I want to piss in peace thank you .

Shade17 · 13/08/2022 19:46

School pickups are great when there are two of us available, no parking issues! One goes in and the other does laps in the car.

ErmineAndPearls · 13/08/2022 19:47

Two parents turning up at a kids’ party has always totally baffled me. It’s a nice Saturday afternoon and two grown adults are choosing to spend hours in a chaotic soft play centre? I always imagine that one of them has told the other, “If I have to suffer this, then you have to as well.”

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