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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Man stalking woman, excused by saying he must be autistic..

397 replies

AutismIsStigmatised · 13/08/2022 14:11

I came across this video on TikTok today, I'll post the link below but in summary an unknown man posed as an amazon delivery person to get access to a block of flats this woman lives in. He was behaving strangely and wanted to give her a 'gift' which was some sort of cup / candle holder. She confronted him and he left, then came back up again, left again then came back up a third time with his hood up as though he was about to do something sinister. Very bloody creepy.

vm.tiktok.com/ZMNsQfG2W/

The comments are littered with people saying that he's 'clearly autistic'

Take a look and tell me what you think but as the parent of an autistic boy (and wife of an autistic adult) it really upsets me when people assume scary/criminal behaviour is due to autism. I know many people with autism and not one has ever behaved like that..

OP posts:
HailAdrian · 13/08/2022 14:37

(Not referring to the TikTok guy)

JudyGemstone · 13/08/2022 14:41

HailAdrian · 13/08/2022 14:33

Can't you 'feel awful' for both of them? Having a disability can make you extremely vulnerable. This makes me glad my autistic son will never live independently tbh.

Was just typing this!

i absolutely had empathy for both of them, there was no ‘baddie’ here, just an unfortunate situation.

can’t speak for the guy in the OP of course.

AutismIsStigmatised · 13/08/2022 14:48

I've scrolled through loads of comments and found some replies from the OP in the video.

So the 'candle' thing he was holding is an exact replica of a cup this lady drinks from when she's sitting out on her balcony, so she thinks he must been watching her for some time.

OP posts:
HailAdrian · 13/08/2022 14:49

JudyGemstone · 13/08/2022 14:41

Was just typing this!

i absolutely had empathy for both of them, there was no ‘baddie’ here, just an unfortunate situation.

can’t speak for the guy in the OP of course.

Yeah, I don't think autistic men who genuinely have little understanding of social cues and no desire to harm or scare anyone can be lumped in with sex offenders, tbh.

I don't know about the guy in the OP either.

QueenoftheNimbleFlyingCat · 13/08/2022 15:11

This video terrified me. He's whole persona changed by the 3rd time which makes me think the first 'vulnerable' interaction was an act.

For · 13/08/2022 15:27

Yanbu.

Surely anyone who stalks, rapes, or hits another has a mental health problem? Doesn’t excuse it.

Most autistic people are not stalkers 🤔

AutismIsStigmatised · 13/08/2022 15:30

QueenoftheNimbleFlyingCat · 13/08/2022 15:11

This video terrified me. He's whole persona changed by the 3rd time which makes me think the first 'vulnerable' interaction was an act.

I agree.

The woman in the video undoubtedly thought the same hence telling him to drop the act.

I hope the police can find out who he is.

OP posts:
StopStartStop · 13/08/2022 15:33

Haven't watched yet, but as an autistic person from an autistic family I agree that it's annoying and frustrated that any kind of odd or criminal behaviour seems to be blamed on autism. I'm in my sixties, I've never been a criminal, and nor has my brother, nor were my parents, nor my daughter and her husband... even the little one (10) is as good as gold!

Kanaloa · 13/08/2022 15:35

Scianel · 13/08/2022 14:36

If he does have any sort of learning disability, that doesn't necessarily prevent him from being dangerous either.

Where I grew up, a man with LD raped a small girl. I don't think the fact of his disablity would have lessened her trauma at all.

Was just about to say this although it’s not nice. Maybe he does have a LD/on autistic spectrum. Maybe not. But it doesn’t make any difference to the fact that he’s behaved in an intimidating and frightening way. Whether he’s autistic or not he has still behaved that way and it’s still equally frightening and must stop/be stopped.

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 13/08/2022 15:37

BetterBee · 13/08/2022 14:22

To be fair he does look like he has some sort of learning disability. He wasn’t aggressive at all. If it’s repetitive then that’s different. She could report it and maybe someone could have a word with him. Personally I wouldn’t be frightened at a one off with that kind of behaviour.

WTF that looked terrifying. He lied to her about being from Amazon so that she’d answer her door, then he left and came back twice when she was trying to leave her house. You can see the intense fear from the poor woman who likely lives alone

StopStartStop · 13/08/2022 15:38

OK, watched it. Didn't see the immediate 'he's one of us' signs, but who knows, he might be.
I absolutely would not have liked to have that young woman's experience. Whoever he is he's a man who doesn't respect women's privacy.

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 13/08/2022 15:40

Scianel · 13/08/2022 14:30

he’d obviously frightened her but he really had no idea. I felt awful for him

I feel awful for her. She's the one who has been put in fear.

Same.

Why is it ALWAYS women who are ALWAYS being told to make allowances for men. No matter how much danger those men pose, no matter how uncomfortable they make them feel, no matter how hard it is for those women, we just always have to fucking put the feelings of random men before our own.

Brigante9 · 13/08/2022 15:41

A documentary about stalkers identified one man as autistic. He sat in a recess waiting for the girl and sent her hundreds of communications. He was not given any special consideration (except by the victim herself!) when prosecuted.

HailAdrian · 13/08/2022 15:45

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 13/08/2022 15:40

Same.

Why is it ALWAYS women who are ALWAYS being told to make allowances for men. No matter how much danger those men pose, no matter how uncomfortable they make them feel, no matter how hard it is for those women, we just always have to fucking put the feelings of random men before our own.

Nah, no one here is saying that. We should, as society, not be writing off disabled people as 'creeps.' Why are they less important?

wellhelloitsme · 13/08/2022 15:45

It terrifies me that anyone could watch that video, hear her genuine and justified fear and tell her she shouldn't have been scared.

In fact it doesn't just terrify me, it angers me.

Impact not intent. Whether or not he is aware of how his behaviour makes other people feel, their response is entirely justifiable and valid.

That poor woman was scared shitless. I would have been too.

And if someone doesn't understand boundaries or expectations due to a diagnosis, that doesn't make it any less scary for the person on the receiving end. In some ways it's scarier because they might not understand the impact their behaviour has or the fact it could get them in trouble so may just continue.

A number of my loved ones are autistic. I adore them. It is not the responsibility of women to feel guilty for being frightened of frightening behaviour, even if that behaviour is due to a diagnosis.

My relative has dementia and is sexually inappropriate due to this. He would have been mortified at his behaviour now, if he could have seen it before he became ill. He cannot help it. The behaviour is not his 'fault'. But the impact it would have on a woman is no different to that of the impact if he didn't have dementia.

Impact, not intent, should be the consideration when it comes to the victim.

That poor woman in the video was terrified.

Bubblebubblebah · 13/08/2022 15:53

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 13/08/2022 15:40

Same.

Why is it ALWAYS women who are ALWAYS being told to make allowances for men. No matter how much danger those men pose, no matter how uncomfortable they make them feel, no matter how hard it is for those women, we just always have to fucking put the feelings of random men before our own.

I am normally in the medium camp, but watching this video and remembering many articles and threads, I have to agree.

He was aware though. I mean coming up with lie to open the door totally moves it from "poor vulnerable man" to predatory imho

Farmageddon · 13/08/2022 15:57

HailAdrian · 13/08/2022 14:33

Can't you 'feel awful' for both of them? Having a disability can make you extremely vulnerable. This makes me glad my autistic son will never live independently tbh.

Hang on, how is the guy in this video the vulnerable one? He's the person whose actions are making someone else uncomfortable, who keeps coming back. He wasn't forced to do any of this.
Just because you have an autistic child does not mean you get to excuse all bad behaviour because 'autism'.

PonyPatter44 · 13/08/2022 15:58

This is why its so important to teach all our boys, autistic or not, appropriate ways to behave towards other people. Men who behave in weird and creepy ways are FRIGHTENING, and women who force themselves to stop, and be kind or polite, and suppress their own instincts...get hurt.

The OP said that she knew lots of autistic people who don't behave like this. I know many autistic people who do, and who are now behind bars. Just being autistic doesn't mean that someone isn't a threat.

Farmageddon · 13/08/2022 15:59

HailAdrian · 13/08/2022 15:45

Nah, no one here is saying that. We should, as society, not be writing off disabled people as 'creeps.' Why are they less important?

Nobody is doing that on this thread, they are saying that his behaviour is creepy, and rightly so. Do you really think this woman has no right to be concerned that this guy won't leave her alone?
Why are her feelings less important than excusing him? She has done nothing wrong here.

AutismIsStigmatised · 13/08/2022 16:00

Brigante9 · 13/08/2022 15:41

A documentary about stalkers identified one man as autistic. He sat in a recess waiting for the girl and sent her hundreds of communications. He was not given any special consideration (except by the victim herself!) when prosecuted.

@Brigante9 do you remember the name of the documentary or where you saw it? I'd like to have a look

OP posts:
HailAdrian · 13/08/2022 16:00

Hang on, how is the guy in this video the vulnerable one? He's the person whose actions are making someone else uncomfortable, who keeps coming back. He wasn't forced to do any of this.
Just because you have an autistic child does not mean you get to excuse all bad behaviour because 'autism'.

I'm not talking about the guy in the video 🙄 my son is profoundly autistic, these aren't issues I'll have to worry about for him luckily. But if i had a 'high functioning' autistic child, I'd be very worried that he'd be accused of shit for behaviour that wasn't his fault.

mattressspring · 13/08/2022 16:02

@Farmageddon

That poster was discussing a different situation.

Kanaloa · 13/08/2022 16:03

HailAdrian · 13/08/2022 16:00

Hang on, how is the guy in this video the vulnerable one? He's the person whose actions are making someone else uncomfortable, who keeps coming back. He wasn't forced to do any of this.
Just because you have an autistic child does not mean you get to excuse all bad behaviour because 'autism'.

I'm not talking about the guy in the video 🙄 my son is profoundly autistic, these aren't issues I'll have to worry about for him luckily. But if i had a 'high functioning' autistic child, I'd be very worried that he'd be accused of shit for behaviour that wasn't his fault.

But he’ll only be ‘accused of behaviour’ that he’s done. Harassing a woman isn’t acceptable, even if you deem it ‘not his fault.’ If he is doing it on purpose he needs to be apprehended. If he genuinely can’t stop himself from harassing and frightening women (to the level of lying to gain access to their property) then he needs high level care. Either way it’s about keeping others safe. Whether it’s ‘his fault’ or not he must not be allowed to harass others.

People sometimes forget that those with autism are still people. Some of them are really nice people. Some aren’t. Most are somewhere in between (like the majority of people). My son is autistic also, although not profoundly so. It’s my job to teach him how to behave towards others, so that he isn’t ‘accused of shit’ because he won’t have done it.

Maskedpotato · 13/08/2022 16:06

I think possible learning disability but I totally get her being freaked out by the behaviour.

badbaduncle · 13/08/2022 16:07

I've heard English literature teachers describing Lenny from mice and men - who kills a woman - as 'harmless' and probably autistic. Infuriating and bigoted. Men are not allowed to follow and stalk women. Ever. Ffs!