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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Over Dh football today?

137 replies

Twinklinlight · 13/08/2022 09:46

NC as this could be outing. I'm just beyond fed up and wanted to see if it's me that needs to suck it up or not.

Backstory: 2 dc under 5. Youngest has had a vomiting bug for last 24 hours. Thursday night I had 3/4 hours sleep due to dhs snoring and eventually gave up and slept on sofa. Then went to work all day yesterday.
Last night slept downstairs with ill dc who was in his inflatable bed (plastic so easy sick clean up) again had about 3 hours sleep.
This morning im having to complete orders for my side business. Dh reminded me he has football this morning so I won't have very long. I told him he was unreasonable for wanting to go when I feel dead on my feet and have actual work for paying customers to complete.
he replied he was leaving before 11 so I had until then, or he would send the kids upstairs.
I'm honestly fed up of football. He's the manager of a local men's team, it's just grassroots. It takes over so much of our life and I feel our family comes second every single time. He thinks this is my problem. I only see me holding down my day job, working an extra side hustle and also simultaneously being the only child care we have. Is this me?

OP posts:
StreetwiseHercules · 13/08/2022 09:51

Most dads I know are expected to pretty much completely give up on interests outside the home after children are born and if the don’t want to they are pressured, guilted or harassed into it by their partners. It’s not a healthy thing.

Is that what you would rather he do really, give up on outside interests because you have children?

I think fewer men would agree to have children in reality if this was put to them before the fact.

Original poster
Twinklinlight · 13/08/2022 09:59

This is another side issue, we did infact discuss this before children. He said he wanted to stop of his own accord a couple of seasons ago and I encouraged him to keep going for the time being. We both at that point said stopping when the oldest starts school is the plan. He works shifts so weekends are 50% gone in the qfternoon/evening plus weekly Saturday mornings means 2 out of 4 Saturdays he won't see them at all.
He's changed his mind and gone back on what we mutually agreed.

I think a lot men are immature and/or selfish and the extent of this doesn't become apparent until after children unfortunately. Women have no choice but to pick up the slack. As I said he expects me to do work and childcare this morning so he can watch football.

OP posts:
StreetwiseHercules · 13/08/2022 10:01

every second Saturday doesn’t seem ott to me.

sunsetsandsandybeaches · 13/08/2022 10:02

It's frustrating but if he's the manager he's letting everyone down by not attending.

You need another discussion about his commitments if he's gone back on his word though.

SameToo · 13/08/2022 10:03

@StreetwiseHercules what a load of crap.

OP YANBU to expect help.

Freddiefox · 13/08/2022 10:04

I think there’s has to be a compromise, can he pull his weight more on the week and sundays? And just go for the football and not the drinks after part.

Discovereads · 13/08/2022 10:10

He said he wanted to stop of his own accord a couple of seasons ago and I encouraged him to keep going for the time being. We both at that point said stopping when the oldest starts school is the plan.

He's the manager of a local men's team

He can’t just no show one morning as he’s the manager of the team. And you’re going back on the agreement by demanding he stay home. This is your side hustle, so why not do the work tomorrow? Why does it have to be today exactly when he has football?

Also, no idea why you didn’t take turns being with the sick kid at night. But that’s a separate issue really not related to football.

Original poster
Twinklinlight · 13/08/2022 10:11

It's every Saturday. 2 out of 4 are followed by work

OP posts:
StreetwiseHercules · 13/08/2022 10:13

If you were the manager of the local women’s team how would it be perceived if he wanted you to quit because he had to pick up the slack with the kids one day out of every 14?

Original poster
Twinklinlight · 13/08/2022 10:15

It needs to catch this mornings post. I'm printing as I type. I usually would do this on an evening so I'm free Saturday mornings but last night dc was throwing up every 45 mins so didn't have the time. It doesn't even start til 12 today and is 10 mins away but he MUST leave at 10.50 to get set up.

I'm just fuming, the more I think about it the more it's annoying me.

OP posts:
toomuchlaundry · 13/08/2022 10:16

@StreetwiseHercules many women have to give up/reduce time consuming hobbies when children come along. It’s being called a parent

SkirridHill · 13/08/2022 10:16

StreetwiseHercules · 13/08/2022 09:51

Most dads I know are expected to pretty much completely give up on interests outside the home after children are born and if the don’t want to they are pressured, guilted or harassed into it by their partners. It’s not a healthy thing.

Is that what you would rather he do really, give up on outside interests because you have children?

I think fewer men would agree to have children in reality if this was put to them before the fact.

What a pile of bollocks. OP has two jobs and has been up all night caring for vomiting children. Bloody right he should stay home and help.

Original poster
Twinklinlight · 13/08/2022 10:16

Haha pick up the slack. I do everything when I'm not at work and even plan for when I am at work so the kids have something to do. Unreal..

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 13/08/2022 10:17

As the manager he can't just stroll in when it's about to start.

ilovesooty · 13/08/2022 10:18

Twinklinlight · 13/08/2022 10:16

Haha pick up the slack. I do everything when I'm not at work and even plan for when I am at work so the kids have something to do. Unreal..

Well it's a wider issue than this one day then, and needs a discussion.

Topgub · 13/08/2022 10:19

Why are you putting up with this?

I would have been absolutely livid ti the point I would have walked out and left him with the kids

MrsDThomas · 13/08/2022 10:20

He’s the manager. You knew it before kids. Men dont want to quit the football.

been there. No big deal.

StreetwiseHercules · 13/08/2022 10:21

Twinklinlight · 13/08/2022 10:16

Haha pick up the slack. I do everything when I'm not at work and even plan for when I am at work so the kids have something to do. Unreal..

It’s amazing how many Mumsnet threads we get where the dad is a lazy, selfish fecker and the mum does absolutely everything. Don’t really come across that dynamic so much in real life.

Topgub · 13/08/2022 10:24

@MrsDThomas

No big deal as long as you're ok with being a door mat and default parent

bellac11 · 13/08/2022 10:25

He has a commitment if he is the manager of the team, just like you have a commitment to your job

Why not have regular child care in place for this?

Also another poster referenced him going out drinking after the match, I cant see this written in the OP?

I also dont know why you referenced that you didnt get sleep the night before your child was ill due to your husband snoring, seemed a bit of a nasty comment about him.

StreetwiseHercules · 13/08/2022 10:25

MrsDThomas · 13/08/2022 10:20

He’s the manager. You knew it before kids. Men dont want to quit the football.

been there. No big deal.

For a lot of men, football or the equivalent is literally what gets them through the tough days with young children. A lot of posters here are just like “feck that, make them stay at home!”

mens mental health can get in the bin seemingly, because DH is doing something we had agreed on and which I encouraged him to keep doing but today doesn’t suit.

Freddiefox · 13/08/2022 10:26

Twinklinlight · 13/08/2022 10:16

Haha pick up the slack. I do everything when I'm not at work and even plan for when I am at work so the kids have something to do. Unreal..

Why? Is he your husband or your child?

have a conversation with him. But if he really is as selfish as he sounds then reassess the relationship. But I don’t think football is the real problem.

StreetwiseHercules · 13/08/2022 10:26

This reply has been deleted

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ChickPizz · 13/08/2022 10:27

If he does no childcare or housework and you never get a break, that’s the real issue.

Mu DH is obsessive about watching football (going to matches) and manages a grassroots team. It’s pretty all consuming, but it’s his absolute passion in life.

I’m fine with it, supportive even, but that’s only because he pulls his weight at other times. My D.C. are older now, but when they were young we had an arrangement. Going to match on Saturday? He does something with the kids, housework etc on Sunday and I get a lie-in or chance to do something for fun. etc.

There were times when it did all get too much - training/grassroots match AND his team playing on Sat and Sun. Then there had to be compromise. Either he bows out of his coaching responsibilities the following week, or misses the next few games of the team he supports etc. There has to be a conversation where everyone’s needs are considered.

If the obsession consistently interferes with family life and with his engagement in family life or your ability to get rest, have fun etc then yes, that’s an issue. If he is using football as a way of excusing himself from his family and marital responsibilities, massive problem.

Topgub · 13/08/2022 10:28

@StreetwiseHercules

But thats what the oh is doing.

He is walking out and leaving her with the kids when she has asked him not to because she has done all the parenting and now needs to work.

Why should his hobby trump work and parenting?