Over Dh football today?

[Twinklinlight]

NC as this could be outing. I'm just beyond fed up and wanted to see if it's me that needs to suck it up or not.

Backstory: 2 dc under 5. Youngest has had a vomiting bug for last 24 hours. Thursday night I had 3/4 hours sleep due to dhs snoring and eventually gave up and slept on sofa. Then went to work all day yesterday.
Last night slept downstairs with ill dc who was in his inflatable bed (plastic so easy sick clean up) again had about 3 hours sleep.
This morning im having to complete orders for my side business. Dh reminded me he has football this morning so I won't have very long. I told him he was unreasonable for wanting to go when I feel dead on my feet and have actual work for paying customers to complete.
he replied he was leaving before 11 so I had until then, or he would send the kids upstairs.
I'm honestly fed up of football. He's the manager of a local men's team, it's just grassroots. It takes over so much of our life and I feel our family comes second every single time. He thinks this is my problem. I only see me holding down my day job, working an extra side hustle and also simultaneously being the only child care we have. Is this me?

@StreetwiseHercules

my OH is a good person. I am a good person

People who call themselves a good person, need to have another look at themselves. That is not your call to make. You can try your best to be a good person, whether you are or not is for the people around you to judge.

You sound like you have an ego the size of a house.

It's all compromise. Mine has just text to thank me for doing all childcare today and to say he will not overdo it today and will do everything tomorrow. It's this attitude that meant I waved him off happily for the day today.

That was about 3 years ago though and says nothing more than a discussion about the football. You appeared to extrapolate into 'general parenting' when theres no information about that

(Im paraphrasing because I can never navigate these threads properly without post numbers)

@bellac11

The op said they do everything else

Why arr you so keen to blame the woman?

That’s crazy. Ok, to soothe you, I’ll correct.

I think my OH is a good person and I think I am good person.

I think a big problem is that you are taking on most of the workload when he IS home. I know it's easy to say in hindsight, but really he should have slept with the sick kid downstairs the night before. Then you would have felt more like he deserves a break, rather than he's just swanned off. If he did a bit more when he was home, you wouldn't feel so resentful of the football probably

Anger is not always valid and there are degrees of anger. What this site posters in this have a tendency to do is to encourage all anger in women as being righteous and justified, and promote rage as the solution to all manner of problems.

yes, we all have a emotions and we sometimes feel anger. It is not always or even nearly always the case that “I feel this therefore my actions are justified”.

as adults we have to understand there is a distinction between feelings and behaviours. If I am angry at something relatively trivial because I am having a bad day, does it justify me going absolutely ballistic and treating other people like shit? Of course not.

@StreetwiseHercules

This is not trivial.

The op is absolutely justified in being angry.

The fact you're minimising that and condoning the ohs behaviour is worrying.

As is you saying it would be abusive of her to go out and leave him with the kids but you don't think he is being abusive in doing the same

What am I blaming her for?

Im picking you up on your imaginary post. You said to someone that she had had lots of discussions and suggestions for compromise over the years about this but 'nothing has worked'

There isnt any evidence of that, it was mainly a pedantic point about you making up things the OP hasnt actually said (unfortunately it happens a lot)

The reality is that relationships are very nuanced, when a person is overtired, upset, they are bound to be not viewing things rationally, its normal, we all do it

Therefore I take with a pinch of salt when someone says 'I do everything and he does nothing' because its unlikely to be exactly as written.

I didn’t say this was trivial.

its the “storming out in a rage” bit that is abusive.

that is unacceptable behaviour, as is silent treatment, passive agressiveness, etc.

Rage is absolutely legitimised by an army of posters on this forum as being almost always appropriate. From women. To men. And other women.

If he was currently vomiting I'm sure he would find someone to take over from him for today.

So football isn't necessarily the problem, it's his unwillingness to delegate when necessary and his not stepping up when he is at home.

He needs to have a couple of deputies that can step in when needed and he needs to make sure that he's doing his share at home so that you get downtime.

Yabu.

By your own admission you do everything and always have done. Why would he think today should be any different? Stop being a martyr. Get him to pull his weight.

Totally on your side OP. All round shitty weekend for you and he just gets to do his usually thing? Nope. Unless he's going to make supper for you all tonight, do all the kids' bedtimes and be the one to stay up with the child if they need jt tonight? Didn't think so

I don’t think the football is the problem. Doesn’t really make sense to me that if you didn’t sleep well the night before already and you’ve got work to do that you were the one up with your poorly DC through the night. He should have done that. Then if you had had a decent sleep, going to the football wouldn’t be such an issue.
As a pp said, the football is a red herring - everyone should be able to enjoy a hobby and some free time, but everyone should also be pulling their weight properly. You don’t seem to have a good balance going on.

I think you have to make him do half the nights. Wake him up, kick him out and say sleep downstairs with dc, I know you have football in the morning so I need some sleep tonight to catch up with work tomorrow. Make it his problem too in ways that are achievable for you, as this whole set up is very unbalanced. If that doesn’t help at all, rethink- I don’t like the sound of him and wouldn’t accept any of this from my Dh, who chose to have children with me so he is also choosing to parent them.

YANBU at all.

Prior to our first son coming along my DH was Captain of both the local football and cricket team which involved him being gone every Saturday, Sunday mornings and two evenings a week for training.

When our son was born he gave up both of these roles and instead played for the teams maybe 1-2 times a month and went to 3-4 training sessions a month.

Him doing this wasn’t even an issue for him because he knew that hobbies don’t trump parenting.

He is also a football fan and even though our children are 8 and 5, it’s only over the last year that he’s gone to the games on Saturdays (home and away matches) and even then he usually takes the children with him to give me some quiet time.

Its fine to say men should still have their hobbies and find time for them to pursue their interests in the same way they did before having children, but it’s strange how most mothers don’t have hobbies and time for themselves every single weekend for hours and hours at a time.

Just another example of how women are supposed to just shut up and accept the men come first and they come second.

What are you on @StreetwiseHercules ? Why are you defending the clear actions of a man who doesn’t give a shit that his wife is on her knees with work and childcare, and routinely prioritises football over their well-being? So much so, he doesn’t see his children at all on half the Saturdays in the year?

Are you a man, incidentally? Or just one of the female men’s rights types?

None of your business.

its not half the Saturdays in the year. Why do febrile types always have to exaggerate like this? There are 3/4 months in the year where there is no football, and during the winter games are often cancelled.

A woman chooses to have a relationship and ultimately children with a man who likes football and is involved in grassroots football.
Man proposes knocking it on the head when children are coming along.
Woman encourages man to continue.
Man enjoys it and continues.
Man keeps going longer than originally proposed.
One Saturday morning there is a normal family challenge.
Man takes the view that woman is equipped to manage and keeps external commitment.
Woman is enraged by this and is egged on by posters here who fan the flames with their own rage. Most are loving it, even though it will probably cause real trouble later today. Man is written of as selfish, lazy and all other kinds of pejoratives, many sexist and bigoted.

and what you and I both know is this; if this was a reverse, and the woman was involved in grass roots female football, the guidance from the people on this website would be that she should go and he needs to “man up” and be a parent.

Soothe me 😂behave yourself.

The responses you have given throughout the thread are so smug and self satisfied. That is why I said you sound like you have a big ego. You are giving your opinion as though your view is the correct view and the OP is wrong.

Sorry OP, the more you updated the more you are BU. You’re working so hard this Saturday morning on your side hustle and yet you had hours to post on MN and have a complete discussion about it. Doesn’t seem like you’re actually pressed for time. You also never said why your side hustle, where you are presumably your own boss has to go out in the post today instead of Monday.

You know Saturdays is football day so why are you deliberately scheduling in a conflict? You are your own boss on this, give yourself flexible working.

It’s the expectation that you sacrifice everything for your kids that is wrong and unhealthy. This is a case where women need to be more like men and make sure we keep a personal life with hobbies going.

100%!

Could just be that you don’t like what I’m saying, and your response to that is anger and to try to pick a fight. Up to you.

@StreetwiseHercules

I didnt mention anything about storming out in a rage

I said I'd be livid, rightly so and that I'd go out and leave him to look after his kids