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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Over Dh football today?

137 replies

Twinklinlight · 13/08/2022 09:46

NC as this could be outing. I'm just beyond fed up and wanted to see if it's me that needs to suck it up or not.

Backstory: 2 dc under 5. Youngest has had a vomiting bug for last 24 hours. Thursday night I had 3/4 hours sleep due to dhs snoring and eventually gave up and slept on sofa. Then went to work all day yesterday.
Last night slept downstairs with ill dc who was in his inflatable bed (plastic so easy sick clean up) again had about 3 hours sleep.
This morning im having to complete orders for my side business. Dh reminded me he has football this morning so I won't have very long. I told him he was unreasonable for wanting to go when I feel dead on my feet and have actual work for paying customers to complete.
he replied he was leaving before 11 so I had until then, or he would send the kids upstairs.
I'm honestly fed up of football. He's the manager of a local men's team, it's just grassroots. It takes over so much of our life and I feel our family comes second every single time. He thinks this is my problem. I only see me holding down my day job, working an extra side hustle and also simultaneously being the only child care we have. Is this me?

OP posts:
Original poster
Twinklinlight · 13/08/2022 11:01

Well he's done what he said he'd do. I'm surrounded by prints that need packing and he's sent them both up and left.

OP posts:
StreetwiseHercules · 13/08/2022 11:01

toomuchlaundry · 13/08/2022 10:59

@bellac11 it’s not just about football and OP having equal me time. He doesn’t seem to do much parenting at all

How can reach a conclusion like that based on the information we have? That is absurd.

Topgub · 13/08/2022 11:01

@StreetwiseHercules

I think the overuse of women not being angry is the problem

bellac11 · 13/08/2022 11:02

Topgub · 13/08/2022 10:58

@StreetwiseHercules

Anger is a valid emotion to being mistreated.

As the op is being.

Its not fair to minimise that and suggest she should just let him do what he wants to avoid an argument

Her feelings and wants are valid and deserve consideration

He is not the boss. Its not up to him to decide when he wants to be involved in family life

Telling kids no one should ever be angry and that its ok for your oh to always put themselves first, even above the kids, is far more toxic

Is she being 'mistreated'?

Sounds like shes tired from lack of sleep and unfortunately taking it out on her partner. Its no ones fault the childs ill. The morning could have been managed differently with dad at home while mum goes to the PO,, back in time for when he leaves for football. Its just one of those things but OP seems to be making it bigger than it is

Without ever knowing what goes on in a relationship its very difficult to use words like mistreated accurately.

ShandaLear · 13/08/2022 11:06

StreetwiseHercules · 13/08/2022 09:51

Most dads I know are expected to pretty much completely give up on interests outside the home after children are born and if the don’t want to they are pressured, guilted or harassed into it by their partners. It’s not a healthy thing.

Is that what you would rather he do really, give up on outside interests because you have children?

I think fewer men would agree to have children in reality if this was put to them before the fact.

I don’t think anyone is expecting men to give up their hobbies, in the same way that I’d hope nobody was expecting women to give up their hobbies. However, when you prioritise your football/macramé/model train enthusiasm over giving your partner a break when they haven’t slept for three nights because they’re looking after your sick children while you laid on your arse snoring, and when they have work that’s more important that you kicking a ball around a field with your mates, then your partner is absolutely justified to feel aggrieved and upset. He partner is absolutely taking the piss.

Topgub · 13/08/2022 11:07

@bellac11

Yes

I'd consider a partner who doesn't partner or parent to be mistreating you.

She doesn't just have to go to the po. She has to work. For the day.

And he's prioritised his wants above that

Drivebye · 13/08/2022 11:09

Why didn't he share taking care of DC? You should have told him you needed some rest and he needed to take over.

Like a lot of men, he does what he wants and puts himself first. Men do this as they know women put the children first so will step up. You need to start prioritising yourself and the DCs.

KangarooKenny · 13/08/2022 11:10

Make sure you have as much child free time as him.

Mindymomo · 13/08/2022 11:10

I feel for you. When I met my DH he played football twice a week, trained and did 5 a side one evening. He had to give up football due to injury, so then took up snooker and played every Saturday evening and Sunday morning. Once I had my 2 sons, from an early age he took them to football. He was manager to my first son’s football team for over 10 years and 4 years with my second son. So I now get a lot of time to myself. Sport in my family rules with 3 men.

bellac11 · 13/08/2022 11:11

Topgub · 13/08/2022 11:07

@bellac11

Yes

I'd consider a partner who doesn't partner or parent to be mistreating you.

She doesn't just have to go to the po. She has to work. For the day.

And he's prioritised his wants above that

The issue was about the trip to the PO because now she cant go

She can work at home during the day with a sick child, she might need to attend to her child at some points but she is packing up things and doing printing, which needed to be sent off. But the issue of needing him there was about her needing to get them sent off and therefore having to leave the house

I dont think this is mistreatment and that devalues the term

Another poster also referenced that she has had and tried discussions and compromises about this apparent lack of parenting he does, with the poster saying that nothing has worked, OP hasnt set that out anywhere.

AnneElliott · 13/08/2022 11:13

Yes he's a crap parent and a shit husband. Why isn't he taking your parcels to the post office before going to football if go be must?

And if he's the manager surely he can delegate the setting up to one of the men actually playing?

My advice is don't have any more kids with him. My H was similarly useless (although he luckily hates football) and it's a big part of the reason why I only had 1 child.

SunnyD44 · 13/08/2022 11:14

I think on this occasion he should go considering he’s the manager of it but when he gets back he needs to take over the childcare whilst you go back to bed.

If it’s taking up too much time then you need to have a conversation about him going every other week/ once a month.

Is it an all day thing?

roarfeckingroarr · 13/08/2022 11:14

@StreetwiseHercules I don't think men or women should have to give up their hobbies when they have kids. I certainly haven't; I still exercise and see friends regularly. DP has gone to watch football with friends today, he'll be out 9.30-7 in total. I'm pregnant and physically knackered after a tough night with toddler, plus a long week, but he has lovely plans that counteract his currently awful job and I don't want his mental health to suffer. Tomorrow, he will look after the toddler and I will sleep do whatever I like.

The difference here is that the OP's husband sounds selfish in general and she's sick of picking up everything. The poster who said she would've just walked out and left the kids - far from abusive!

sunsetsandsandybeaches · 13/08/2022 11:15

Twinklinlight · 13/08/2022 11:01

Well he's done what he said he'd do. I'm surrounded by prints that need packing and he's sent them both up and left.

Our local Post Office won't actually send parcels out on weekends - you can pay for them to be posted ofc but they don't leave until Monday.

Any chance that's the same for you? If so it could buy you some time. Not the point of your post I know, but it might relieve your stress levels a bit if you know you have another couple of days.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 13/08/2022 11:16

YANBU - some of the posts on this thread are shocking and depressing. Parenting is about partnership and compromise- he is showing precious little of either.

Why didn’t he take a turn with the sick child? Does the OP get equivalent down time during the week and on the weekend?
How is housework and childcare shared?

The football is a symptom of his attitude. He sees the OP as the default parent and himself as helping out when it suits him.

MsRosley · 13/08/2022 11:23

StreetwiseHercules · 13/08/2022 09:51

Most dads I know are expected to pretty much completely give up on interests outside the home after children are born and if the don’t want to they are pressured, guilted or harassed into it by their partners. It’s not a healthy thing.

Is that what you would rather he do really, give up on outside interests because you have children?

I think fewer men would agree to have children in reality if this was put to them before the fact.

Most women I know are forced to pretty much completely give up on interests outside the home after children are born because their partner's interests always come first. It's not a healthy thing.

Fixed your misogyny for you, @StreetwiseHercules

Christmasiscominghohoho · 13/08/2022 11:23

He needs to step down as the manager.

He’s taking the absolute piss. i wouldn’t be happy with a partner pissing off every Saturday. Specially when the kids are ill and you are working.

Topgub · 13/08/2022 11:24

@bellac11

And he could have just not gone to the football

🤷‍♀️

The other poster talking about compromise was me. If you read her posts you'll see they discussed him stopping, she compromised on a longer time. He still hasn't stopped.

Christmasiscominghohoho · 13/08/2022 11:24

Specially when it’s followed by work 2/4 so he’s only about for 2 afternoons a month on a sat.

CanofCant · 13/08/2022 11:26

OP, I don't think YABU and I agree that the football is a red herring. He couldn't/wouldn't act like a team mate toward you and help you out after you shouldered caring for your sick children. He didn't appreciate that he had unbroken sleep due to your actions and reciprocate it by rearranging his morning for you or like pp suggested, taking the parcels to the PO before training. That's what would have happened in this house and I don't think a bit of consideration is such an outlandish thing to expect it from your partner.

Do what you have to in order to get through the day and then decide what to want to happen next. I don't blame you for feeling hurt and frustrated.

StripyHorse · 13/08/2022 11:27

StreetwiseHercules · 13/08/2022 09:51

Most dads I know are expected to pretty much completely give up on interests outside the home after children are born and if the don’t want to they are pressured, guilted or harassed into it by their partners. It’s not a healthy thing.

Is that what you would rather he do really, give up on outside interests because you have children?

I think fewer men would agree to have children in reality if this was put to them before the fact.

But what about women?

I know more men with outside interests than women. I think the difference is that women do it automatically, whereas men sometimes need to be asked.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 13/08/2022 11:31

What was he doing whole you were using your evenings and nights to deal with the sick children?

roarfeckingroarr · 13/08/2022 11:35

I would've woken him up in the night to deal with sick child because you'll have them all day + work, whereas he's just going to football.

Namenic · 13/08/2022 11:51

I’m sorry you are going through this OP.

Planning and communication can help everyone get their priorities done. If his priority was attending the game today, he should have spent the night with the sick child and maybe you could have done your work last night. But sometimes it is hard to think ahead when so many things are on. To cope with these - sometimes we have to do fewer regular things (to get some slack for unpredictable emergencies). And it does sound like a re-discussion of this regular football commitment is in order (as it sounds like on the whole he does less with the kids).

SlouchingTowardsBethlehemAgain · 13/08/2022 12:04

Another selfish man. Football is more fun than childcare so off he fucks when he pleases.