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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Over Dh football today?

137 replies

Twinklinlight · 13/08/2022 09:46

NC as this could be outing. I'm just beyond fed up and wanted to see if it's me that needs to suck it up or not.

Backstory: 2 dc under 5. Youngest has had a vomiting bug for last 24 hours. Thursday night I had 3/4 hours sleep due to dhs snoring and eventually gave up and slept on sofa. Then went to work all day yesterday.
Last night slept downstairs with ill dc who was in his inflatable bed (plastic so easy sick clean up) again had about 3 hours sleep.
This morning im having to complete orders for my side business. Dh reminded me he has football this morning so I won't have very long. I told him he was unreasonable for wanting to go when I feel dead on my feet and have actual work for paying customers to complete.
he replied he was leaving before 11 so I had until then, or he would send the kids upstairs.
I'm honestly fed up of football. He's the manager of a local men's team, it's just grassroots. It takes over so much of our life and I feel our family comes second every single time. He thinks this is my problem. I only see me holding down my day job, working an extra side hustle and also simultaneously being the only child care we have. Is this me?

OP posts:
Topgub · 13/08/2022 10:30

@ChickPizz

Exactly.

Christ knows why there are so many door mat women willing to let their ohs walk all over them like their right to a hobby is more important than anything else

Original poster
Twinklinlight · 13/08/2022 10:31

I was highlighting I've had little sleep for 2 nights. He's had a full 8 hours each night. I was at work all day yesterday and am working now too. He expects me to pop up and cheerfully watch him leave while now having to take poorly dc to the post office to post my work while he goes to football.

He agreed to stop at the end of last season and hasn't. This was discussed 3 years ago and we both agreed. He wasn't coerced, forced, nagged or any other verb you can use to imply I've pressured into quitting. He said he would move to kids football so he can coach ours.

If he can't be late or miss one weeks football when one of the dc is poorly then what type of parent is he.

OP posts:
bellac11 · 13/08/2022 10:34

I think you said that he was there until 11 so I suppose perhaps he assumed you would pop to the PO and then return by then

Today is a difficult day because you have a sick child but equally he appears to have changed his mind about his hobby, not sure I would want to feel I couldnt change my mind about continuing to do something if I wanted to

Sirzy · 13/08/2022 10:34

You should both get downtime. His football is his downtime.

uou need to have a conversation about how to make sure you have down time and how general tasks in the house are shared

Hadalifeonce · 13/08/2022 10:36

I think I might get held up at the post office for an hour or so...........

StreetwiseHercules · 13/08/2022 10:36

It’s always the lividity that gets me. It seems absolutely fine for women on this site to be fuming, furious, incandescent over every challenge or any thing that their husbands do or don’t do.

and whatever husbands do do, they do it wrong. So toxic.

if husbands are angry about anything women do, they are, of course, misogynist abusers.

Hadalifeonce · 13/08/2022 10:37

And NOT take DC with me

bellac11 · 13/08/2022 10:39

StreetwiseHercules · 13/08/2022 10:36

It’s always the lividity that gets me. It seems absolutely fine for women on this site to be fuming, furious, incandescent over every challenge or any thing that their husbands do or don’t do.

and whatever husbands do do, they do it wrong. So toxic.

if husbands are angry about anything women do, they are, of course, misogynist abusers.

Yes, followed by 'so he was angry at you for this'

sunsetsandsandybeaches · 13/08/2022 10:40

If he can't be late or miss one weeks football when one of the dc is poorly then what type of parent is he.

See, I don't think this is fair. If it was a woman posting dating her DH wanted her to let her football team down because one of the DC was vomiting, she'd be told in no uncertain terms to go out and let him get on with it.

Topgub · 13/08/2022 10:44

@StreetwiseHercules

Are you never angry at your oh?

Even when he's being an absolute selfish dickhead?

@sunsetsandsandybeaches

That's probably because in most cases the woman will have been left with everything else anyway

That's not the case in this situation

Its not like for like

Original poster
Twinklinlight · 13/08/2022 10:46

I think I'm entitled to feel upset over this. I'm tired, I'm still working. He's not tired and is popping off for a leisurely morning while I have our children, one of whom is poorly.

Is missing one week really going to jeopardise his mental state that much? I can't recall him ever missing a week.

And I think by time alot of people get to posting on a public forum like this, it's because they've got no one else to turn to. There are obviously other issues that need discussed but today, this refusal to amend his plans to support me Has made me feel like we're at the bottom of his priority list.

I would love to have someone who could just recognise that I needed a rest and act accordingly. There are more important things than football and I am actually a football fan. I do get it.

OP posts:
coconuthead · 13/08/2022 10:51

The football is a bit of a red herring here I think. The real issue is the fact he doesn't do his fair share of everything at home and you are exhausted from doing it all.

SHM2407 · 13/08/2022 10:51

It's a tricky one because he is the manager so can't really not turn up. On the other hand if he is off doing his own thing every Saturday morning you 100% need to have the equivalent time each week to do your own thing.

This could work out well for you long term though as you have 2 young children. He will be keen to get one or both of them playing in a team by age 6 so you will get plenty of time each weekend plus training in the week.

toomuchlaundry · 13/08/2022 10:53

@coconuthead you right the football is a red herring or the straw that broke the camel’s back.

bellac11 · 13/08/2022 10:53

Twinklinlight · 13/08/2022 10:46

I think I'm entitled to feel upset over this. I'm tired, I'm still working. He's not tired and is popping off for a leisurely morning while I have our children, one of whom is poorly.

Is missing one week really going to jeopardise his mental state that much? I can't recall him ever missing a week.

And I think by time alot of people get to posting on a public forum like this, it's because they've got no one else to turn to. There are obviously other issues that need discussed but today, this refusal to amend his plans to support me Has made me feel like we're at the bottom of his priority list.

I would love to have someone who could just recognise that I needed a rest and act accordingly. There are more important things than football and I am actually a football fan. I do get it.

Well you can tell him all that then but when you're in a calm state otherwise it will sound like you're just having a go and not wanting to set out what changes might be helpful to enable you both to attend to the things you need to but while spending time as a family too

People do get tired and have to do things too, are you saying he has never been tired and needed to go to work either?

And of course he may well have his own views about the situation which might not be how you see things

StreetwiseHercules · 13/08/2022 10:54

Topgub · 13/08/2022 10:44

@StreetwiseHercules

Are you never angry at your oh?

Even when he's being an absolute selfish dickhead?

@sunsetsandsandybeaches

That's probably because in most cases the woman will have been left with everything else anyway

That's not the case in this situation

Its not like for like

I genuinely am pretty much never angry at my OH. My OH is sometimes angry at me for things that empirically do not matter and I will react to that at times but I understand it comes from emotion, tiredness or whatever and don’t get too hung up on it. Storms in teacups and it’s over and done with.

my OH is a good person. I am a good person. We have been together a long time and we love each other.

I cannot get angry very easily because the way I see it, I know them and I give them the benefit of the doubt because of it. What right do I have to be angry just because someone isn’t doing exactly what I want?

sometimes what they do affects me and sometimes what I do affected them. So it’s swings and roundabouts.

on here, the default is angry, rage, storm out, leave them with the kids, LTB, blah blah blah.

all these behaviours create an atmosphere in the home and I won’t have my children exposed to that kind of toxicity.

JimmyShoo · 13/08/2022 10:56

It’s ridiculous to say as manager he can’t have a week off. They’re grown men, they can do their own training in the absence of their coach. My children play and if the coach can’t make it the session either gets cancelled or a couple of the parents step in. It’s training, not a Premier League match.

He sounds selfish and unsupportive, YANBU.

Yesthatsit · 13/08/2022 10:56

Jesus no little dick wanker would be telling me to get in line to fuck off out in that situation. I just wouldn’t have it, I’m not someone’s doormat nor I do I give a fig for the majority of this ‘it’s for his mental health’ shit.

Its all hands on deck, balancing, negotiating and helping each other when your kids are little and sick. I would raise merry hell. You don’t have to be entitled to feel upset, you are upset! You only get one life chick.

RandomMess · 13/08/2022 10:57

Consider whether it's something you want to make an ultimatum over.

He is clearly prioritising himself - at night, when kids are ill, his hobby.

Flowers
greatblueheron · 13/08/2022 10:57

Tell him perhaps him having them EOW and midweek will work better for you so he should pack his suitcase when he goes.

Topgub · 13/08/2022 10:58

@StreetwiseHercules

Anger is a valid emotion to being mistreated.

As the op is being.

Its not fair to minimise that and suggest she should just let him do what he wants to avoid an argument

Her feelings and wants are valid and deserve consideration

He is not the boss. Its not up to him to decide when he wants to be involved in family life

Telling kids no one should ever be angry and that its ok for your oh to always put themselves first, even above the kids, is far more toxic

StreetwiseHercules · 13/08/2022 10:59

Yesthatsit · 13/08/2022 10:56

Jesus no little dick wanker would be telling me to get in line to fuck off out in that situation. I just wouldn’t have it, I’m not someone’s doormat nor I do I give a fig for the majority of this ‘it’s for his mental health’ shit.

Its all hands on deck, balancing, negotiating and helping each other when your kids are little and sick. I would raise merry hell. You don’t have to be entitled to feel upset, you are upset! You only get one life chick.

See what I mean? Is this a reasonable or decent mindset?

toomuchlaundry · 13/08/2022 10:59

@bellac11 it’s not just about football and OP having equal me time. He doesn’t seem to do much parenting at all

StreetwiseHercules · 13/08/2022 11:00

Topgub · 13/08/2022 10:58

@StreetwiseHercules

Anger is a valid emotion to being mistreated.

As the op is being.

Its not fair to minimise that and suggest she should just let him do what he wants to avoid an argument

Her feelings and wants are valid and deserve consideration

He is not the boss. Its not up to him to decide when he wants to be involved in family life

Telling kids no one should ever be angry and that its ok for your oh to always put themselves first, even above the kids, is far more toxic

Nobody said he was the boss, and what I said was that the overuse of anger is a problem.

Topgub · 13/08/2022 11:01

@StreetwiseHercules

Do you think the ohs mindset is reasonable and decent? I dont

And the op has tried reasonable discussions and comprises with no success

Your solution is to keep being walked over

Fuck that

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