Mum broke leg, now SIL furious

[RoversEnd]

So long story short my Mum broke her leg and we were meant to be dog sitting SIL’s dog this week as they are on holiday. We had to say we can’t do it as my Mum needs care. She’s on her own. I’m an only child and there is no-one else to help. We’ve got her a basic wheelchair and in cooking and caring for her. The response to this was that they are ‘furious’.

DH’s parents actually offered to look after the dog but apparently they can’t give ‘the dog what it needs’ for a week. There has been no concern for my Mum’s situation at all. SIL even said ‘I’m sorry to hear that RoversEnd and RoversEnd’s mum can’t handle this situation by themselves’.

AIBU to feel really hurt? I don’t have any siblings so I tried to make this relationship work for my DD’s sake so she has cousins to spend time with. DD is also an only child due to our secondary infertility. I feel like I’ve made a major effort trying to build this relationship and actually there’s nothing there. DH says he’s so disappointed that there’s no feeling or care for our situation whatsoever. I know she’s disappointed we can’t look after her dog, but her own parents offered to look after it too and sure they wouldn’t be able to take it for ten mile walks but they are very fit and healthy and could do a lot more than us, given we are in hospital every other day. In the end she said ‘she’s sorted something out’ and has now continued to talk on the family chat like nothings happened. I feel like removing myself from the group.

Sorry but I'm not clear:

"We said we could mainly keep let DD play with the dog in the garden and take it for walks so my mum can rest. Otherwise it’s jumping up and down on people all the time."

What exactly were you offering here? That dog comes to you and you juggle looking after your mum - who has come to you too - and the dog as best you can? The odd short walk with your DD playing with the dog in the garden in between?

If so that sounds like the best compromise and your SIL sounds unreasonable. Especially if she turned this solution down and flounced on you.

Exactly! I wouldn't be jumping around trying to offer solutions while you have your mum to worry about. What a selfish person she is, well know you know.

Threads like this just reinforce to me the idea that most dog people are quite mad!

The OPs mum has broken her leg and is immobile. Of course OP will prioritise her in these circumstances.

Suggesting that she is incapable of multi tasking and similar to someone who shares an email with their DH or that since she is “doing her mum a favour” and therefore mum should convalesce at a strangers house with an active dog is crazy

Why on earth would you haul someone with a recently broken leg who needs a wheelchair and has to make hospital visits every other day to another house? Given that she probably can't go upstairs, the poor woman would presumably end up on the sofa.

This is why we put our dog in kennels when we go away.

We've had a number of these 'supposed to be dog-sitting' threads recently - anyone who books a holiday on the proviso that friends/family sit their dog has to accept that circumstances might prevent the sitting taking place. It's the risk they run, I'm afraid.

I hope that your mother's comfortable. If she's having surgery to pin the bone/s then best wishes for it being straightforward.

Do you know what her mobilisation plans are? It can take such a long time to organise physio that you might need to consider paying privately so she doesn't lose more muscle mass and run the risk of losing her independence. I don't know your mother's age but losing mobility and independence can happen to a surprising number of people.

I cant believe these replies.

No one else is looking after her mother. Women predominantly end up taking on the role as carer to elderly parents whilst simultaneously having all the responsibilities of home and work too. Now people think she should trek miles to wear out someone else's dog too. A dog that could have been put in a Kennel. Or that others have offered to take care of.

Stuff the lot of them.op

They can pay for pet care like eveeyone else.

You wouldn't say that if you had ever had a broken leg in a cast. And how do you know the ILs even have a downstairs bedroom?

I am a bit confused as to why you are going to the hospital every other day with your mums broken leg? Is she still in hospital or are you taking her for some unknown reason every other day?

If her parents offered can you not manage between you. You do one walk a day perhaps, and they another. If sil is so particular she should pay for dogsitting in future.

So you understandably can no longer look after their dog because you have to unexpectedly take care of your mum, but DH/SILs parents have stepped up and offered to do so? She has a solution. It's that, kennels, or they don't go on holiday. Ignore her, and never agree to help out again

Just for larks, I imagine.

We don’t need to know the exact medical details of her mother’s outpatient care plan, do we? To know that taking someone to hospital every other day is enough extra work without a needy jumpy dog in the mix.

They were terribly rude. I wouldn't feel inclined to help again.

Can't get over posters thinking you should have done both. Why should you. Your mum comes first and they had an alternative anyway.

I mean - yep.

I can't imagine reading on this thread that OP gave two completely reasonable alternative arrangements to housesitting this bloody dog in the comfort of its own home 🙄 and still conclude that you're 'unreasonable' and are 'letting your SiL down'.

She sounds like a piece of frigging work.

Can you offer to walk the dog over the holidays if her parents take care of the dog.

The responses to this thread are unbelievable. The fact that some people think the OP should shut her mum off in a room in preference to allowing the dog the run of the home is beyond the pale. We have no idea how severe the leg break is, whether regular hospital appointments or even surgery is required.

Yes the SIL must have been disappointed but the passive aggressive comment about not being able to handle a dog in addition to her mum was condescending.

OP YANBU. I wouldn’t leave the chat group and I would continue to be friendly however I would no longer bend over backwards to help out SIL or accommodate family relations if the other side are doing little to reciprocate.

I’m with the OP. Her mum’s needs trump the needs of a dog. And why should her family split up to look after someone’s pet?

But then again our pets, whilst loved and cared for, are just pets to us and the humans take priority every time.

How entitled and selfish is your SIL? Personally I’d call her out for it on the group chat, suggest she pays for kennelling and let her know not to bother asking you for any favours in future.

Fgs the op doesn't need to make it up to the sil. What is wrong with you people.

OP must now marry the dog and build SIL a palace, it’s the only atonement for her crime.

AIBU to feel really hurt?

In the kindest sense OP - YABU.
Because you are daft to be hurt by a woman who is so monumentally selfish.
Her attitude does not reflect on you, only on herself.

Her dog will be absolutely fine with her own parents, but she is kicking off because she can't have her first preference. Instead of looking at the reason for that, & having compassion for your poor mum, she used it as a stick to beat you with. She wasn't even able to ask after your mum's condition.

I don’t have any siblings so I tried to make this relationship work for my DD’s sake so she has cousins to spend time with. DD is also an only child due to our secondary infertility. I feel like I’ve made a major effort trying to build this relationship and actually there’s nothing there.

I am sorry about your struggle to conceive a second child. So again - please accept this in the gentle sense it is meant - do you think SiL has picked up on your desire to keep a close relationship, so knows she has the upper hand? Selfish people like SiL don't have much in the way of self-awareness but they have a shark-sharp sense of other people's vulnerabilities. How else are they going to use people, unless they know who & how to attack?!

Stop with the major efforts. She's not your sister - DH can ensure the relationship remains tolerable & facilitate cousinly get-togethers. Depending on ages, you might find for example that SiL is happy with sleepovers at yours to get a break from her DC. Bending over backwards for this woman has not got you the easy relationship or even common courtesy you'd like, so stop doing it. Women like SiL see kindness as weakness, & it makes them treat you even worse.

TL:DR = don't be hurt. Be righteously pissed off.
If you need to speak to SiL about it (I wouldn't bother, but don't know your circs), let rip with a few choice remarks about the gall of her being "furious" about having to use her second choice of dog care but not giving a shit about your mum's accident.

I wish I was surprised by the lack of empathy for the OP on here but sadly I'm not.

Caring for an incapacitated elderly parent is fucking hard, even moreso when you don't have other family for back up.

Add in the fact it's the school holidays and OP has a child to look after and a dog that doesn't sound particularly well trained and would have to be out of it's home environment.

Your SIL has clearly had an empathy bypass and the attitude and passive aggressive comments would piss me right off. That said if she appears to have moved on for the sake of peace I would try to take a bit of space and do the same.

Giving her the benefit of the doubt from a distance it's possible she carried on like that as she was stressed about the last minute change of plans, although in that case I think an apology should be forthcoming.

I would never have agreed to shifting the whole family off to their house for a week, that's a ridiculous imposition and quite unreasonable. That said, I don't understand what's incompatible about having a dog and a person with a broken leg, you only need to give each of them a bit of support and you must have anticipated you'd be causing then enormous stress by saying on such short notice that you wouldn't take the dog. It really needn't take 3 of you to support one person with a broken leg either, I don't recall us needing to do anything much when a flatmate broke his leg apart from get stuff from high cupboards and I managed fine living alone with a broken arm many years back, most people just get on despite the inconvenience really.

There were a range of sensible options; dog staying with you as well as mum, a dog walker going to the in-laws, your DH going to their house while your stay with mum etc. What would you have done if they'd already left, surely you'd have just made it work rather than throw your hands up in horror? SIL grumped in a panic, but some people react like that to stress and it's best ignored if it's as mild as what you've said here. So you've all been unreasonable. Time to move on from it and don't offer favours next time if you aren't all capable of flexing plans for the unexpected.

Sorry OP, your SIL sounds awful. And no, you should not have to look after your mother and a dog. Your mother comes first. x

To be honest I'm not quite sure why PP are focused on the fucking dog.

The dog will be cared for by PiL.
OP's mum is just a tad more important right now, no?