Mum broke leg, now SIL furious

[RoversEnd]

So long story short my Mum broke her leg and we were meant to be dog sitting SIL’s dog this week as they are on holiday. We had to say we can’t do it as my Mum needs care. She’s on her own. I’m an only child and there is no-one else to help. We’ve got her a basic wheelchair and in cooking and caring for her. The response to this was that they are ‘furious’.

DH’s parents actually offered to look after the dog but apparently they can’t give ‘the dog what it needs’ for a week. There has been no concern for my Mum’s situation at all. SIL even said ‘I’m sorry to hear that RoversEnd and RoversEnd’s mum can’t handle this situation by themselves’.

AIBU to feel really hurt? I don’t have any siblings so I tried to make this relationship work for my DD’s sake so she has cousins to spend time with. DD is also an only child due to our secondary infertility. I feel like I’ve made a major effort trying to build this relationship and actually there’s nothing there. DH says he’s so disappointed that there’s no feeling or care for our situation whatsoever. I know she’s disappointed we can’t look after her dog, but her own parents offered to look after it too and sure they wouldn’t be able to take it for ten mile walks but they are very fit and healthy and could do a lot more than us, given we are in hospital every other day. In the end she said ‘she’s sorted something out’ and has now continued to talk on the family chat like nothings happened. I feel like removing myself from the group.

Why don’t they put the dog in boarding. My dog has been several times and seems to love it (I checked their credentials thoroughly).

Have to admit, I jumped to the same judgements as many other posters, that you were being weirdly precious about a simple keg break-until I stepped back and decided to read all your replies

So apologies for jumping to the wrong judgement at first.
Your SIL is an entitled, selfish bitch. You don’t need that kind of constant stress in your life. I had a best friend like her, she made it very hard work to be friends, and in the end I walked away. If everything didn’t always go the way she expected it, then she would turn nasty, for however long she felt like, then one day would randomly be nice again like it never happened.

An hour and a half away is too far to travel every day-multiple times. There’s just not enough hours in the day. If someone asks you to dogsit, you’re doing THEM the favour, Not the other way around. It should primarily be on your terms or they can go whistle.
Dont enable her behaviour-it’s clearly what people have been doing her whole life, because she doesn’t have any compassion for another living soul except herself

Maybe you have inadvertently taken over the family relationship with SIL for the reasons you already mentioned. Therefore your DH is able to take a step back.
He could easily have stepped in and said 'back off SIL, my wife has her sick mother staying, ask our parents to mind the dog. You are punishing us for offering to do you a favour'.

Why are you taking on this guilt and self blame? Are you usually so hard on yourself yet making everything nice for others?
Please be nicer to yourself and let this go. You've done absolutely nothing wrong. The SIL is good at guilt tripping.
People with poor boundaries (I'm one too!) get easily triggered when our defence mechanism of 'rescuing' is called into into question.
We pride ourselves on being nice, and lovely. Women are socialised to be the 'good girl' who helps everyone, so very very difficult emotions of blame and self hatred are aroused in us when we cannot make ourselves available to others in ways we intended.
Please let this go and concentrate on your own family. You could also get a book on boundaries. I've just ordered one call Boundaries Boss by Terri Cole. I listened to her podcast and it was an eye opener for me because it's me all over.
psychcentral.com/blog/podcast-boundary-setting-for-women

Round here if you haven’t booked 6-12 months in advance you are unlikely to find a homeboarder and a lot of people don’t like kennels

What type of person is that? Sounds like me and I’m autistic/adhd/autistic/chronically fatigued. Sounds like you’re missing an empathy chip.

I don’t really understand why so many people are saying that the OP could manage to look after her mother with a broken leg plus doing ten mile walks. And I also don’t understand why they should go out of their way to help when the SIL hasn’t even asked how the OP’s mum is.

Do people just follow what other people say on here? Just that it’s usually ‘No is a complete sentence’ and everyone hates dogs anyway🙄

Would those super cabaple and independent posters really be sitting there "baffled" at why they aren't dog-sitting? So much of the usual MN faux-confusion on this thread. This one example doesn't mean they are codepedent either...

If there really is confusion over it - I'm not sure what OP's husband does, but if the dog is non-stop as the OP seems to have indicated, I wouldn't and probably couldn't work from home alongside it. We have a family member with a "very active" dog -
she would literally be running over me, jumping up and barking throughout the day, including meetings. She also requires long walks at specific times - if you happen to have something else on at that time she'll simply sit and bark until she's taken out. I would never dog sit without someone else who could accommodate her needs when I couldn't.

If DP was in OP's situation and was worried sick about his elderly mum while caring for her (as OP mentioned the fall has made her think of other things such as her mum's health and a fear of losing her), the last thing I would do is bugger off to dog sit an hour and a half away, especially if the dog owner was as rude and entitled as SIL has been.

Whimsical what do you think a "simple leg break" would be like, just out if interest?

Honestly let your DH deal with it. His family, he organises. You yours. Why don't people do this. Men never get all the stress that goes along with these things.

Women just continue to put themselves in these situations.

OP, you did right to put your mom’s needs before a dog. Unless anyone on here’s going to take it seeing as they’re all so keen on you still doing it, tell SIL to put it in the kennels.

So much of the usual MN faux-confusion on this thread. This one example doesn't mean they are codepedent either.

Indeed. It's disingenuous and completely transparent.

Out of curiosity, what breed is this 10-mile walk needing dog?

I would rather not go on holiday than put my dogs through the trauma of boarding. Highly
doubt your dog ‘loved’ it. Boarding goes against everything that makes a dog feel secure and loved.

But surely that's the point...

You either go on holiday and board the dog, or take it with you and fit your holiday around it.

You don't know how well the friend or family member will treat it - but the kennels will have a set standard.

I’d do exactly as you did

my mum is 70 and couldn’t cope with a broken leg. Not on top then of the fact that she’s be in someone else’s house that means you can’t properly rest with a dog jumping over you all the time!!

no you did the right thing there.

Agree. Thought the original comment was very passive aggressive!

Well SIL and her DP will have to rethink holidays in future.

If they don't want the dog in kennels then they'll have to get a professional sitter lined up. Because asking someone to travel one and a half hours just to dog sit is utterly ridiculous.

Relying on family or friends isn't a good idea - things happen. What if it had been the OP who had broken her leg? How would she then manage, with young children, to cover a dog which is a three hour round trip away? Would SIL honestly have expected OP's DH to drop everything, including the care of his family, for a dog? Seriously some people need to get a grip.

Either add in the cost of kennels or a professional sitter to your holiday or do own country holidays and take the dog. That's what having a pet means, make sacrifices in terms of where you holiday, pay for professionals or don't expect to call the shots in what happens to the animal in terms of where it's cared for.

Oh sweetheart. Friends can be family. Focus on friendships. You’re not going to get what you want from your sil.

How, exactly, as SiL wanted it at her house and the OP's mum is now wheelchair bound?

It's not as if SiL didn't have other offers

No, it's not

Do you really enjoy being spiteful and rude to total strangers on the internet?

Why?

Well @User135792468 there's a simple answer for the SIL and her family in future as I said. Pay for a kennel, go on holiday in the UK or don't have a pet. It's that simple. None of this is on the OP - things happen in life.

For some reason the SIL is so concerned about the dog that she wants everyone to drop everything to ensure the animal stays in its own home and won't contemplate a different scenario for it, despite the OP offering an alternative.

But SIL and her family are not concerned enough for its well being to get a holiday where she can take it along with her...she's now happy enough to foist its care on someone else she hadn't even asked a few days ago!

Dogs are not like children.
Owners who treat them as such are a plague on the rest of us who love our animals, and care about them but train them properly, plan for care which doesn't require putting family to uproot, and don't consider them minor deities for the whole of humanity to tip toe around.

More to the point they are not the OP's "children" or responsibility.

They have care available, from able bodied family members who they already know.
The idea that the dogs' extra long walkies and home comforts takes priority over the needs of an injured and immobile 80 year old is pretty special even for the dog obsessed.

Dogs are not like children.

👏🏼

^This

There seems to be a huge increase in recent years in people who cannot distinguished between a much loved pet's preferences and a human being with actual needs. Its insane.

"We’ve looked after her dog before and got her presents to thank her."

This really stood out for me. You looked after her dog, yet got presents to thank her? Thank her for what? You were doing her the favour. And saving her money.

This suggests to me that they know you are desperate to have a relationship with them and they are happy to exploit it. They don't want the same relationship with you as you want with them.

Don't agree to dog sit again. Build friendships elsewhere.