Mum broke leg, now SIL furious

[RoversEnd]

So long story short my Mum broke her leg and we were meant to be dog sitting SIL’s dog this week as they are on holiday. We had to say we can’t do it as my Mum needs care. She’s on her own. I’m an only child and there is no-one else to help. We’ve got her a basic wheelchair and in cooking and caring for her. The response to this was that they are ‘furious’.

DH’s parents actually offered to look after the dog but apparently they can’t give ‘the dog what it needs’ for a week. There has been no concern for my Mum’s situation at all. SIL even said ‘I’m sorry to hear that RoversEnd and RoversEnd’s mum can’t handle this situation by themselves’.

AIBU to feel really hurt? I don’t have any siblings so I tried to make this relationship work for my DD’s sake so she has cousins to spend time with. DD is also an only child due to our secondary infertility. I feel like I’ve made a major effort trying to build this relationship and actually there’s nothing there. DH says he’s so disappointed that there’s no feeling or care for our situation whatsoever. I know she’s disappointed we can’t look after her dog, but her own parents offered to look after it too and sure they wouldn’t be able to take it for ten mile walks but they are very fit and healthy and could do a lot more than us, given we are in hospital every other day. In the end she said ‘she’s sorted something out’ and has now continued to talk on the family chat like nothings happened. I feel like removing myself from the group.

Me too @whataboutnow I spent 6 months both downstairs and in a full leg cast, unable to leave the house and never could use the crutches properly. It was a hellish time, hopefully your recovery is going well.

Oh my dear! Of course you are worried sick.

you do have to ignore the SIL. Life changes.. you will find friends later. And ones who understand the parental health problems too.

Go cuddle your mummy and ignore the haters.

@RoversEnd you know the saying "Those that mind don't matter, those that matter don't mind"?
SIL really really doesn't matter. I know it's hard and hurtful and you've tried so hard to build that relationship, but time to let that go, for your own peace of mind. Just maintain a distant civility. Focus on DH and DD, and your poor mum that needs and presumably really appreciates you.

Yes! She is a user.
You are facilitating a one way relationship which is a terrible example to dd. Just enjoy your loving relationships and let sil fester. She will be back soon enough to ask favours again. Be sure to say after the upset with the dog sitting you would rather not commit to anything. Your sil is a cf!!

I see the bend over backwards,people pleasers are out in force.

This is very wise.

Don't stress yourself about that awful irrelevant woman.

Get your mum a tonic like Floadix with iron to help her if she isn't eating much.

Take some yourself to help cope with the shock and worry.

Nutrition is important to keep your strength up.

And your dd will develop her own supportive network as she gets older, of her own choosing. You are far far better off investing in life long friendships in time, that will look out for dd.
If the cousins are anything like sil she hasn’t lost a thing! You have saved your dd a life time of being treated like a fool/door mat.

Depending on the age of your dd be honest about the reasons for seeing less of them, a great life lesson for dd to learn to expect (much) better and boundaries.

I agree with you OP- focus on your mum - humans are more important than dogs !!!!! SIL can put dog in kennels or find someone else

If this was a child instead of a dog, everyone would be saying how it's the parents responsibility to have backup childcare in case the first one falls through

I wouldn't have agreed to move out of my own home to look after a dog in the first place - nor would I ask anyone else to do that. YANBU.

People are weird about dogs.

When X does a favour for Y, the convention is that Y falls in with whatever suits X as regards time, place etc. If Y's dog needs to stay at home and have live-in staff, Y should find a suitable person to do it and be prepared to pay handsomely.

Op, Fuck your SIL, the selfish cow and fuck her badly behaved dog and fuck all the mad dog owners on this thread and their snarky, frothing, rabid responses telling you that you are being so unreasonable for not wanting to haul your family and mother and her recently broken leg to SIL's house to spend hours walking their pet 10 miles a day.

YANBU, but don't leave the WhatsApp group because then the ingrate has won. Just carry on and never dog sit or do any favours for her again. She can get to fuck.

I voted YABU as I couldn’t see why this meant you couldn’t have the dog, and it’s very short notice to back out.

But, that doesn’t take away from the fact that she’s being a bit of a cow about it.

YANBU for not wanting to look after it at her house. When someone does you a favour, it should be on their terms.

I wouldn't take on someone else's active dog if I was also caring for someone with a newly broken leg and I am an experienced dog owner and dog lover. Its unfortunate but its what happens when you have family doing stuff instead of a paid service. Perhaps the folk who are saying "oh you could do both" would like to offer to have the dog instead of you? If I was the dog owner in these circs of course I'd be (quietly) annoyed that the arrangemants had fallen through but I would not have said ANYTHING to you. Its not at all your fault, shit just happens.

I agree. Some posters really need to look at why they put an old lady in pain below a dog.

This is not about the broken leg
Or the dog
This is about the abysmal way SIL treats op and almost certainly won’t have been the first time.
Any reasonable person would be grateful that you offered, wish your mum well and use one of the alternative options.

I can't believe the tone of so many responses on here and shows that many have never needed to care for another person with significant health issues (and, yes, a broken leg in an 80 year old woman is a significant health issue).

The leg itself will be incredibly painful and suddenly having reduced/no mobility when you are that age is incredibly frightening and limiting.

The OP has completely done the right thing by her mum, her family and herself.

The sister in law sounds batshit.

Nobody put an old lady below a dog. The two situations weren't in competition until the OP made them so. It was perfectly possible to keep their commitment to SIL and look after OP's DM. I do wonder where all these posters come from who are incapable of coping with one commitment at a time.

YANBU your mum is your priority. SIL can be disappointed as much as she wants - she'll get over it. And suggest she gets her own family to look after the dog.

She sounds utterly selfish. At the end of the day, your Mum comes before her dog AND her own parents had already offered anyway!

I am actually stunned at the ignorance by some on this thread about the potential adverse affects of an older person's sudden loss of mobility due to a broken limb. These affects (depression, loss of appetite, permanent loss of some mobility leading to greater fall risk, increased likelihood of premature death). The quality of care for the elder after release from hospital is key to minimizing these effects. Based on my experience of caring for my mother in these circumstances, it is essentially a full-time job in the early weeks.

So many of the posts on this thread have underpinnings of ageism and disablism.

You are not being unreasonable, OP. I wish you and your mother well.

And for what it's worth, I have had dogs my entire life, and it would never in a million years occur to me to be furious with a relative or friend who had to cancel dog-sitting plans to care for their elderly mother who is suddenly immobile and in a wheelchair.

Couldn't agree more.

I fear for the parents of those who think that what the OP has done is unacceptable!

@AlexandriasWindmill did you read the bit where OP offered to have the dog at their home

Nobody put an old lady below a dog.

@AlexandriasWindmill I think you'll find someone did

Can't you leave your mum in a bedroom with the door shut?