Mum broke leg, now SIL furious

[RoversEnd]

So long story short my Mum broke her leg and we were meant to be dog sitting SIL’s dog this week as they are on holiday. We had to say we can’t do it as my Mum needs care. She’s on her own. I’m an only child and there is no-one else to help. We’ve got her a basic wheelchair and in cooking and caring for her. The response to this was that they are ‘furious’.

DH’s parents actually offered to look after the dog but apparently they can’t give ‘the dog what it needs’ for a week. There has been no concern for my Mum’s situation at all. SIL even said ‘I’m sorry to hear that RoversEnd and RoversEnd’s mum can’t handle this situation by themselves’.

AIBU to feel really hurt? I don’t have any siblings so I tried to make this relationship work for my DD’s sake so she has cousins to spend time with. DD is also an only child due to our secondary infertility. I feel like I’ve made a major effort trying to build this relationship and actually there’s nothing there. DH says he’s so disappointed that there’s no feeling or care for our situation whatsoever. I know she’s disappointed we can’t look after her dog, but her own parents offered to look after it too and sure they wouldn’t be able to take it for ten mile walks but they are very fit and healthy and could do a lot more than us, given we are in hospital every other day. In the end she said ‘she’s sorted something out’ and has now continued to talk on the family chat like nothings happened. I feel like removing myself from the group.

I think it was fine for SIL to say she didn't want the dog going to OP's house. SIL then found someone else to watch the dog where she wanted the dog to be watched.

I missed the comment about OP leaving her mum in a room with the door closed. Obviously that's ridiculous. There are a lot of gfs on here.

Someone with a broken leg will not want to be in a house with a strange dog that jumps up a lot. Of course you need to prioritise your mum, OP.

You are not being unreasonable Op. some people think mutts are babies. They're not.
They're not as important as people.
She has options her parents or kennelsZ
Stupid idiot.

As for all those people on here suggesting you should have solved her problem for her. Ignore them. Idiots.

Dogs come second after people

Sister in laws dog comes a long long way below your mum.

I'd be of the 'chat' with her so so fast. Selfish idiot

So they haven't bothered to train their dog...No one wants a frantic, jumpy~up dog which isn't theirs about the place, which is why training is so important!

If their dog was unobtrusive, quiet , and well mannered, I bet you'd look after it.
Hope your mum recovers soon.

You are not being unreasonable Op. some people think mutts are babies. They're not

See, I don't even mind if people want to treat their pets as babies and make them their number one. It's the not having the emotional intelligence to realise that other people have their own priorities, and are perfectly entitled to.

OP, as @Bloodybridget says above of course you need to prioritize your mum. Hope she is doing well and it has not been too much work for you. I think people saying why can't you do both just don't understand the reality of the situation and you do. It is not even like your SIL would need to cancel her holiday as your in laws very kindly agreed to step in and look after the dog for her.

Your SIL does sound pretty self absorbed from your description, but I don't have all of the back story of course. One thing I would say, as someone who has a difficult female relative with children my DS is close to (not my DH's sister though who I am very lucky in as she is lovely) is that, if you do want to keep up contact maybe just take a step back from the relationship, avoid offering favours unless you really want to, and have zero expectations from their side of the relationship, that way when they are actually nice it is a big bonus. Maybe I am being too cynical, your SIL may not be that bad, but since DH and I have taken this approach with the relatives in question our lives have been far less stressful and we are on good terms with them + our DS gets to see their children still, so it has been win win.

YANBU. Of course you prioritise your mum. Of course you can’t look after the dog as well, certainly not a badly behaved one. Your SIL may be disappointed, but her attitude is awful. It’s probably best if your DD doesn’t have lots of contact with her cousins if that’s the way they are being brought up. Some of the posts on here are dreadful.

That's not what I was trying to do!!!!!!

You had no other choice but to help out your mother. Even when you made your sil aware of your mother's other health issues she never even replied to that message.
Your sil was not happy to hear that you could not mind her dog because she wanted her dog cared for her in her home. In reality she was to mean to pay for her dog in a kennel.

She has shown you her true colours now. Rather than block her on what's app I would still talk to her. The next time she needs a favour and people like her always do. I would just tell her that you can't do it. She needs to realise that the world does not revolve around her and her needs.

I have a friend of mine who has been dealing with a selfish family member for year's. She has not pulled them up on their behaviour as yet. After the last thing that happened she decided to step back. So now she ignores the subtle asking her to do a favour. She no longer looks things up on the internet or offers to do the little things they want.

Later in the year she will be expected to organise a particular family event. My friend has decided just to sit back and leave this to other family members. She told me I don't know what effort they will make in regards to this but it's their problem now not mine.
She just said I had enough of being around to help out/do favours and sort out things but when I ask for things or a bit of help I am ignored or I get a load of poor excuses.

I know you're worried at the moment but I hope your mother gets well soon.

I have 2 dogs so I rely on my family for dog sitting if we want to take a holiday or attend an event (rare anyway). We drop the dogs at theirs when it's convenient for them, provide food, leads, towels, bowls etc and put no demands on how they care for the dogs. We also take their dogs in anytime they need it to return the favour.

You SIL is completely unreasonable with her demands and should pay someone if she's so specific about the care of her dog. Don't offer to help her again if this is how she behaves.

For god sake while the dog is hyper yes you can shut the bedroom door so the dog doesn't jump.

Dog sitting is a lot of work - we've done it and though the dog knew my DH well from when he lived at home the dog when left with us had a personality change and was manic and picked fights on walks, barked all night etc (missing his owners desperately poor thing - not dog's fault). No way could I have managed anything else as well.

To all those saying OP could just changing things and manage - seriously? If you get a dog then dogless-holidays are a bit mean frankly anyway and you can never expect any kind of ad hoc care for dogs, children or anyone not to fall through because people have their own lives - they're not businesses who have back up plans. OP you have a serious situation and a serious need to cancel, it is nothing frivolous, you are very reasonable!

OP says the dog jumps up all the time, though. Some dogs are just wankers. Does she shut her 80-year-old mum alone in a room all day because of wanker dog, or does someone else look after it?

No obviously not but people keep bringing up that one comment I made.

It's not about only being able to do one thing at a time. Have you even read the OP's posts? It was not "perfectly possible" to keep their commitment to the SIL since she would not compromise and let them look after the dog in the OP's home.

i absolutely would not expect someone to look after my dog if they were unexpectedly having to look after their 80 year old mother who had broken her leg and needed frequent hospital trips due to other health issues because I'm not a selfish arse. I can't believe anyone would expect that in these circumstances.

You got her presents because you looked after her dog? She’s been ridiculously rude. Your mum is far more important than the dog and I say this as someone who looked after my bil’s dog for 2 weeks recently. He wasn’t a pick of bother, but if I’d needed to look after my dm after an accident, it wouldn’t have been any contest. Saying that, how old is your dd? She doesn’t need carrying round so could do the daily hospital runs (given you thought she’d be playing with the dog) and your Dh could have done the dog sitting.

The two situations are absolutely in competition and the only way anyone could think otherwise is if they'd failed to understand OPs posts.

your Dh could have done the dog sitting

During a bit of a family crises, ie elderly, unwell mother with an injury, I don't think it's appropriate to expect the DH to leave the family home and go and live elsewhere to help someone else out. His place is home supporting his wife at that point.

What the hell does it matter if op could in theory still have the dog? The point of the post is that she has had a change in situation and no longer feels able to look after the dog- and, despite a perfectly reasonable backup of her own parents, SIL is being a massive twat.

Why are people so quick to loose their senses when dogs are involved? And I say that as a dog owner myself.

You are in no way being unreasonable here. Your SIL is being a selfish arse.

@vroom321 many people are picking up your comment as it is not a suitable solution with a very bouncy dog

I suffered a severe hamstring tear grade 3 early hours of Friday morning OP. Just out of A & E yesterday and my entire leg and foot have swollen up. My pain is excruciating. I am mentioning this as I cannot even begin to imagine the pain your Mum is in and the last thing I would want is a dog damaging the leg more. Your Mum is elderly and you have made the right decision. Anyone who disagrees with this has no clue how fragile bones at her age can be. Whenever we have gone away, we always had a reliable back up plan for our pets. Stick to putting your Mum first. You are doing the right thing ♥️

Because it demonstrated the insanity of trying to do the two things.

I wonder if anyone will come back and say "I was wrong" or if they are gfs.

Xpost Inquiring wish you better asap.

Not quite. SIL thought her brother would have still looked after the dog, while OP looked after her mother. But OP decided she can't look after her mother on her own and needs DH there, while the DH thinks he can't look after a dog on his own while working from home. We can agree the SIL was being unreasonable to lay out demands instead of being flexible once the situation changed. Many of us though feel a bit baffled as to why one adult can't look after a dog when working from home, and another adult can't assist her mum on her own. There may be reasons that haven't been given about why both are so codependent, but it seems odd to those of us who are used to being a bit more capable individually.

@meex not all dogs are passive (and this one doesn’t sound as if it is) and would be happy snoozing on the sofa all day whilst DH is busy in meetings.

Some dogs need attention not just company