Mum broke leg, now SIL furious

[RoversEnd]

So long story short my Mum broke her leg and we were meant to be dog sitting SIL’s dog this week as they are on holiday. We had to say we can’t do it as my Mum needs care. She’s on her own. I’m an only child and there is no-one else to help. We’ve got her a basic wheelchair and in cooking and caring for her. The response to this was that they are ‘furious’.

DH’s parents actually offered to look after the dog but apparently they can’t give ‘the dog what it needs’ for a week. There has been no concern for my Mum’s situation at all. SIL even said ‘I’m sorry to hear that RoversEnd and RoversEnd’s mum can’t handle this situation by themselves’.

AIBU to feel really hurt? I don’t have any siblings so I tried to make this relationship work for my DD’s sake so she has cousins to spend time with. DD is also an only child due to our secondary infertility. I feel like I’ve made a major effort trying to build this relationship and actually there’s nothing there. DH says he’s so disappointed that there’s no feeling or care for our situation whatsoever. I know she’s disappointed we can’t look after her dog, but her own parents offered to look after it too and sure they wouldn’t be able to take it for ten mile walks but they are very fit and healthy and could do a lot more than us, given we are in hospital every other day. In the end she said ‘she’s sorted something out’ and has now continued to talk on the family chat like nothings happened. I feel like removing myself from the group.

People in a marriage being a package deal, imagine that. The SIL’s house is 90 mins away so that’s a three-hour daily round trip for the DH, or OP entirely alone with their DD and an elderly injured parent who needs every-other-day hospital visits. If only there were another solution, like SIL’s parents taking the dog!

OP started a thread asking for advice.
No, she started a thread asking if she's reasonable to be feeling hurt.

Giving a potential solution to her problem is what she wants.
Again - no, there was already a solution in place before she wrote her OP.

Not making up random scenarios like you keep doing.
Have not made up any random scenarios.
Unlike PP who posted to tell OP to suck it up & go to her SiL's house with her mother. Or send her DH alone.
Are you referring to the fact that I pointed out DH may be working, on the days you expect him to be doing dog care at his sister's house?
Or the fact that OP needs to be driving her mother to hospital every other day? That's neither "random" or "making up" - it's observable fact.

Which is not helpful and frankly a pretty odd thing to do.
It's not, which I why I haven't done it. I've supported OP's choices.

Sounds like you’re projecting alot on this thread.
I'm not convinced you know what "projecting" means, @SunnyD44 😂

Let me guess you have an issue with your own SIL.
Nice try, no cigar. I don't have a SiL.

This place is mad.

We’ve looked after her dog before and got her presents to thank her.

What????

Plenty of people go on holiday and leave children with family.

I've never done it personally nor would i have.

But it happens. And you wouldn't leave them in a situation you didn't like but also if the childcare fell through you'd have to accept an alternative or cancel.

@Katyaadlerscoat I know it’s a complete joke.I guess I’d just had a miscarriage from the IVF so I got her presents to thank her for choosing us to look after the dog when she went on holiday. My head was all over the place, I guess at the time I saw the dog like a baby or something so I was thanking her for giving us the chance to have that experience. I don’t fucking know. I’m just a fucking idiot.

Can't you leave your mum in a bedroom with the door shut?

There's no way I'd leave my mum in a bedroom with the door shut just so we could have a dog to stay, especially if the dog had an alternative place to go.

Just can't believe the callous indifference shown to an old lady in pain. The cultural lack of respect we have for the older generation is appalling. Their needs trump a dog.

And looking after someone with a broken leg and a child is clearly a two person job.

Meanwhile SIL's incredibly patronising ('I'm disappointed...') and callously self righteous message is apparently fine with most posters.

This thread is demented.

I think some people are forgetting that .....

Neither the person who broke their leg or

The person caring for that person

Are actually the dog owners!

So no, they don't need to find a way to do both. Except they did. But the actual dog owner wouldn't accept a compromise. So they didn't get the favour.

Do they also leave them in kennels? No, because they aren't the same as a dog.

I'd hope they didn't!!!

But neither were the SIL with their dog - and they didn't need to either as alternatives were offered.

OP you're an overthinker like me and in the nicest way you need to cool it or it'll destroy you. We too had problems with infertility for years too before adopting our dd. It can be a real eyeopener about how people prioritise you and that can be soul destroying, believe me I know. You need to accept that you have the sil you have not the one you wish you had. Set clear boundaries without being nasty and refuse to engage in slanging matches. It will hurt if cousins can't have a decent relationship but all you can do is your best. For what it's worth my SIL and I loathe each other but we're still managing to get the cousins together and be civil. You're playing 'whatifs' and no good will come of that. If worst case scenario this does affect your SIL's relationship with hypothetic cousins then trust me you'll be so damned proud and in love with your kid that it really won't matter as much as you think.

Focus on your mum for now. Tell your SIL that you're sorry she's been put in an awkward situation but you refuse to argue. She can talk to you when she gets over it. Then go have a glass of wine with your mum. SIL won't be mad forever about something so trivial xx

@LuaDipa Thank you.

Stop suggesting ways that OP can contort herself and her family to solve this. It's not her dog, quite literally.

SIL needs to find a solution.
SIL needs to cancel her holiday;
or
SIL needs to spend hours on the phone tracking down a kennels with an unexpected last-minute opening for an extortionate price then drop DDog off there even if it means driving all night to the other end of the country;
or
SIL needs to beg, bribe or otherwise inveigle someone else, who hasn't already gone no-contact with her, to look after DDog.
Go on, get off your arse, SIL!

❤️💐for you OP, for having such unsupportive and downright unpleasant relatives.

OP if DH wfh then why can’t he look after the dog?

Do you need him with you to look after you mum? Because you don’t drive etc.

her own parents offered to look after it too

There you go ^ a solution.

It's just a fucking dog, not a parent FFS.

They can book kennels next time.

Why is she focusing on you and your mum when she says she is disappointed? Surely if she's "furious" or "disappointed" with anyone, it would be her own brother, right...? Why is she pissed off with her brother's wife and elderly mother?

There's an awful lot to read between the lines here, even without diving into the fact that she's obviously been a rude twat.

Sorry OP, didn't mean to make you feel worse.

@Vikinga Maybe if you bothered to read the thread you would have posted a less embarrassing response.

OP offered to have the dog at their home SiL declined.

You have found out what’s she’s really like @RoversEnd. I’m sorry it hurts. You have assigned her nicer qualities than she actually processes in your desire to have the relationship you are craving/missing, I think. The reality is she is a selfish person. I would distance myself for her. I hope your mum is doing well.

Op you say you bought them presents after looking after their dogs before, I just have a couple of questions -

Did they seem surprised/grateful at these presents, what was their reaction in general?

Did they offer to pay you or get you any food etc that time or this time if you’d gone ahead and done it again?

It’s not just the dog sitting arrangement falling through. It’s that I now know my and my mums situation mean nothing to SIL. Like a PP said she couldn’t care less if my mum dropped dead. When she said she and her DH were ‘fucking furious’ she removed me from the dog sitting chat so I explained the situation with the anti coagulants and high blood pressure in a private message. She didn’t respond.

@RoversEnd Don't waste your time on her. Leave her to it. All future contact thru your DH (including Christmas presents for their bloody dog).

I hope your mum is ok...mine had to have thinners and was a bit confused/not herself for a few wks (she was on B12 and a load of heart meds too) until the routine settled down.🍹💐 Oh, and keep an eye on the tyres of the wheelchair...my dad suddenly gained about 10st when his got a puncture and he only weighed about 8st at that point

You aren't a fucking idiot, you've been through a very traumatic time and this sil sounds like a using, entitled horror.

Don't buy her presents for doing her a favour, just distance yourself a bit. I hope you find people who deserve your kindness and hope your dm feels better soon .

The Dh also has a child with the OP, one he presumably helps care for after work hours. He will be a tree hour round trip away.

The Dh works during the day in meetings etc. so the dog will be alone in the rest of the house for several hours during the day. Not all work places are happy with random animals in on their meetings and their staff needing to take time out every so often to check on an animal, walk it etc.

It was agreed beforehand that the op would be looking after the dig predominantly. Maybe the Dh simply doesn't want to look after an animal, stay in someone else's home in his own for a week and be away from his family for a week. That's perfectly fine.

@Hangingoninthere88 Thank you for this advice. I am an overthinker and the last week has had me not sleeping at all so I’m pretty emotional. 👍

I guess I’m just feeling overwhelmed. I’m scared about my Mums health. I’m scared I’m going to lose her, I know this is ‘just a broken leg’ but with her health complications it’s got me worried sick. I guess this fall has made me realise her age. She’s my best friend other than DH, always has been.

I am just going to forget about building and kind of relationship with SIL now. It’ll be cordial only. Im just concentrating on my Mum, DH and DD.

I was only replying to a poster who said that dogs were like children and saying that was nonsense. Nothing to do with the OP.