To ask for your quotes from narcissistic mothers

[itsgoodtobehome]

Slightly tongue in cheek. My DM is a total narcissist which I'm mostly used to now, but every now and then she comes out with a new classic which makes even me wince.

So, next weekend, DM has invited me and DSis and our families for lunch to mark a family birthday. 9 of us in total, including kids. DM was telling me the other day what she was planning to serve for lunch. She mentioned a particular thing as a starter, which is quite an acquired taste. I know for a fact that my DDad and DH don't like it, and the 3 kids won't eat it. So basically 5 out of 9 guests don't like this dish. I told her this was a bit of a waste.
Her response: 'but I have planned this menu to look a certain way, and it won't look right if I don't make this dish'

So she is quite prepared to have most of her guests not eat something just so her menu 'looks good'. I give up. Has anyone else got batshit mothers who only think of themselves and nobody else?

When I was 20 and realised I was pregnant unexpectedly with my boyfriend who told me he'd leave me if I didn't get an abortion, I was on the pill and don't really know how this had happened. I was so scared and still living at my parents home. I burst into tears in front of my mum, I never really cried so she came up to me and i just reached out for a hug which again I can't remember the last time I hugged my mum, she acted concerned, what's is wrong minty? I'd do anything for you just let me know what's wrong, I said mum, I'm pregnant.

She literally pushed me off of her and said oh well you made your bed now lie in it. What would you do with a baby.

I booked myself in for an abortion and I had to go alone, I asked my mum if she could come with me as the hospital said don't come alone. But she said again 'you've made your bed' I had to stay longer in the hospital as I was alone and in pain.
Afterwards I remember having to get a taxi home and every speed bump the car went over hurt so much, when I got home I suffered so much pain I was crying so she shut my bedroom door so no one else could hear me crying.

She was so nasty about so many things. I'm nc now and much better for it. I've heard she only has nasty things to say about me though.

I recognise so many of the dm comments.

Occassionally though I can really wind my dm up and although her rage is palpable it can be amusing if you’re safely in a group.

Once my dm was sat having dinner with me, my dc and my dsis, her dh and her dc.
Dm, who is intelligent but wasn’t given educational opportunities, was telling us something scientific and saying that my db, the golden dc who is a physicist, was surprised that dm understood this complicated theory.
We we’re supposed to say that of course she understood because she’s so intelligent.
A little devil inside me said, yes, I’m surprised you knew that too.
Well my dm started ranting that just because she hadn’t been to university blah blah blah.
All of us including the dc just laughed and the more dm ranted the more we laughed.
Dm didn’t learn from this obviously but for once she was on the receiving end of a stinging remark.

Didn’t stop her telling me later that nobody liked me, I don’t care anymore though.

The OP who said 'it's not Narcissism personality disorder' is partially correct.
I'm not a psychologist but have done therapy and lots of reading. MN forums have been a lifeline as made me notice similar behaviour in my DP and previous partners. Which therapy then Confirmed.
It's 'emotional immaturity' and sometimes 'parentification' and also in my DPs case (and potentially my DM but she's got other trauma going on) Borderline Personality Disorder. They'll never get diagnosed though or seek any therapy.
It's extremely difficult to extract yourself from. Not least because your own self esteem is eroded. And in my case there were always glimmers of hope. But I now know that's the 'reeling back in'. When DM started on my DD it was the wake up call I needed.
My DF is almost worse. I don't know which of them is the ringleader.
Having your own DC is the wake up call to change the pattern. Stop history repeating. But it's very hard to extract yourself. If you're one of the OP here and you're still stuck in the cycle I'd really suggest reading around the subject and therapy.

Parents going on their holiday days after I had been diagnosed with BC (I had no problem with this at all) and then taking a second holiday (still no problem with this) but saying they needed this second holiday because my BC news had "ruined" their first holiday.
They visited me twice throughout the (many) surgeries and chemotherapy recovery. This was a blessed relief. I had caused them both so many problems with it, you see.

When my brother was recovering from surgery in the hospital, I spent most days sitting with him and chatting. The guy in the next bed/area had no one visiting him and so a couple of times when I went to go get a cold drink for my brother, I would bring him one too.

Evidently the guy was saying to my brother he'd "finally found the perfect girl" and wanted my number, obviously drugged up etc. My brother said I was married. My brother told me about it later and we rolled our eyes. My mother happen to hear.

My mother said I needed to stop "hitting on men in the hospital" and that I was stressing my brother out during a difficult time and I shouldn't visit him anymore. She evidently rang my dad who came rushing to the hospital looking confused, like, "Is everything okay?'

I can't imagine how difficult it was watching her son be so unwell, but at the same time she was absolutely indulging herself. I didn't take the bait but it did damage our relationship.

Abandoning during a crisis is a key sign.
Mine have engineered arguments over nothing so they can go awol/silent treatment during the following things ive been going through-

A heart-break in my 20s
When I got made redundant
After a miscarriage
After birth of first child
When my disabled child was out of school without a place and I had to give up work
When we were moving house and chain collapsed
When ex had severe health problems
When I was getting divorced
And they always make it up in time for me to have them over for Christmas Dinner!

Throughout childhood drummed into me 'you shouldn't go to bed on an argument'
Yes they meant I should apologise!

It's because they have no capacity for anyone else's pain and problems. No empathy. And a victim mentality.

they also claim they don't remember me telling them some of these things had/were happening WTAF!

at the time, it really made the whole thing a lot worse as on top of the stress from the life event, I was upset and confused about their behaviour. Thinking what did I do wrong.

Apparently I'm also really ungrateful as they've 'done loads of childcare';
They've had my kids to stay once a year for about 4 years of their life...2 or 3 nights on each occassion. That's it. I'm regreting that now too. And only done so they could show off to others about it. (Oo look we have grandkids to stay!) because friends do a lot with their Grandkids.

No longer though. Games up!

Which are which?

Not had a birthday present since I was 16.

Doesn't know her grandchildren at all.

Asked for house key when I moved out and said you're on your own now, you can't come back.

Always thought more about what others think than what matters.

Turns every argument around to be more hurtful to her than anyone else.

Always being told my hair was wrong, dressed wrong etc

Always always complaining in shops and restaurants.

Couldn't see me after Covid after 2 years because she was worried about it yet managed to visit busy shopping centres on busiest day of the week because that's apparently different.

Selfish.

my sister died suddenly when I was 17. She was 18. Frequently told at church that we shouldn’t cry and had to be strong for our parents as they had enough to deal with. Fucked up or what?

I relate to a lot of this. I too had the ‘I love you but I don’t like you’ comment frequently.

Appearance:

‘I was six stone you know, we are very different, aren’t we…?’

‘But you have such a pretty face. Shame about the rest.’

‘Wow those stretch marks. I couldn’t live with myself.’ (I was eleven and had a massive growth spurt, developing breasts/hips very quickly.)

‘Why can’t you be like other girls and like clothes so we can go shopping together? You’re not normal.’ Ironically, the times I did go with her, she always decided the thing I liked best was much better suited to her and so she bought it for her instead.

‘You’re such a big girl. Why can’t you be dainty?’ (I was TALL for my age as a child). She used to call me a ‘big girl’ to everyone, between the ages of about 6-9.

Looking back on my photos, there was absolutely nothing wrong with me. I have such a messed up perception of my own physicality now and can’t judge what I look like at all.

Other:

‘You’re a bit fucked up aren’t you?’ (Before walking out). This was said to me when she walked in on me, in the bath as a teen, in floods of tears, my arms covered in self-harm cuts. I had a horrendous time as a teen due to my father’s addictions, her co-dependent enabling behaviours, a sexual assault and a miscarriage.

‘You were an accident and everyone, including the doctors, said you should be aborted.’

My brother was a genius in a particular subject and because I wasn’t they decided I needed a personal tutor. They made a huge deal about me not being good enough at this. Turns out I’m above average at the thing but was led to believe I was awful. When I got my exam grades I had A across the board but because this was a B it wasn’t good enough. All they cared about was this one thing.

‘I never said that.’ This was common in my childhood. I would promise a reward/treat if I did X/behaved a certain way. When I did, and asked for my reward, my mother would say I’m imagining things and made it up. I learned not to trust myself.

‘You have no heart.’ Because I didn’t get upset at the things she got upset at. It never occurred to her that her constantly telling me not to cry as a child, and minimising all of my upsets resulted in me bottling up my emotions as I got older.

Took me years of therapy to realise the damage she did. I genuinely thought all of this was normal!

When I was going through a divorce, lost my home, darkest time of my life she said "but how do you think I feel ".

"You're not as good as you think you are"

This was said to a young me who had aspirations of singing. I was actually really good, and was selected for the city choir, but mum wanted me to go down the academic route

Yes, I loved singing until she said one day 'well you'll never make a professional will you?'
I didn't want to. I stopped singing for a long time after that. Sorry you had the same x

How awful, I'm so sorry x

"you need taken down a peg or two"

When I was early 30 saying how much weight I had put on, saying you need to sort yourself out, I lost 6 stone and she never once said, oh wow you look good, when I said u never say anything nice about weight loss, said well I didn’t realise it was such a big deal
growing up constant put downs about how shit I was, how this one or other is better than me
i could write a book

Looking back on my photos, there was absolutely nothing wrong with me.

This is classic. It’s very common for the children of emotionally immature parents to see this in photos, and consequently find them difficult to look at. The photos of reality represent their parent’s harmful lies.

Double jinx :(

And, not to be all 'Eleven-erife' about it, but ...

When she turned up at the Hosp I'd been taken to when I overdosed aged 19 (spilt up with boyfriend, & I didn't cope well with it)
She said: 'this is SO hard for ME, this is where I had to come with your Father when he was dragged here by HIS drama llama wife when SHE overdosed for attention'. (they had an extra marital affair). She then made comments about my boyfriend (much older, after history of abuse) being 'available now' & how he'd always reminded her of my 'real Father' (as above). Nasty mess of a woman.

I had to move in with my parents when I was pregnant with my second child - my ex was abusive and I had nowhere to go. She helped me for 2 days post part, all incredibly begrudging. By the third day, she'd had enough and left me to fend for myself with a toddler and went shopping all day (her favourite activity). I had a c section and was struggling a bit to say the least. She cooked probably two meals in total. One meal was boiled sausage casserole and she went to the pub, I don't eat pork and haven't done for around 20 years. I just got up in the end and started looking after myself. When the health visitor came, she would suddenly be all charming and ask me if I needed anything etc.
One day, I over heard her chatting to her friend on the phone, she had her on loud speaker - she always talks to people on loud speaker without telling them - Her friend said (probably day 5 post partum) "you can't have her living there, when is she going back to work, this is ridiculous' my mum was agreeing with her.
My ex came to visit the children, all agreed with parents, and then he assaulted me, so I called the police as he refused to leave the house. My father came back and screamed at me 'what will the neighbours think' and refused to speak to me. Didn't check that they children were ok, was just furious that I had called the police.

'Look, I never wanted a child'. My dad telling me angrily over dinner in a restaurant and literally expecting me to apologise.

My whole upbringing was basically being expected to be grateful for the charity of being raised.

Also laughing 'You probably like X better than me' (my mother's husband who severely physically, emotionally and sexually abused me from the ages of 7-15.)

And 'You'll probably only ever get a man like X. Actually, he would probably be too good for you.'

(These were all just considered 'outbursts' that 'he didn't really mean' by my family, which I was expected to forgive and just be grateful to him for raising me, although he never acknowledged what he said or apologised.)

I had severe diagnosed depression.

I was difficult and overreacted to my mum doing something I’d expressly asked her not to. She pretended I’d not asked (a mere 30 minutes before). Argued with me equally and I apologised after for my part int he argument. She told all my family I’d lost the plot unexpectedly for no reason and exploded. She’s been a victim of my rage and just couldn’t understand why. Not that she’s had any part in goading me with statements like ‘you’ve got far more wrong with you then depression’ and ‘it must be so hard for DH to live with you’.

She sent me and my partner messages about how she’d be moving to another country and be buried there in the next few years. In the days after. Clutching at straws when I would only respond to normal texts and not these dramatic texts she messaged me to suggest that my partner going away for a planned trip was so awful as I was ‘delicate’.

My biggest eye roll was at the ‘why do you mortally hate me’.

"Go get the wooden tables and chairs out of the shed and set them up in the garden so my friend and I can have tea- I am busy holding the baby"

Said to me by my mother 5 hours after I had given birth.

I'm so sorry but I have to know, had that poor man had a stroke?

I'm so sorry all of you who have shared have all had to experience this. There's something really quite heartbreaking about this thread. for you all.

My mother just didn’t answer the whole phone when my ex cheated and the lies came out. I needed support. In fact there were multiple times I needed support and she wasn’t there including. She couldn’t do it for me but would help my sister lie to social services that she wasn’t seeing the man social services told her she couldn’t see in order to keep her kids.

she thrives on drama that she can be in the middle of and is the biggest shit stirrer.

all her kids and grandkids don’t want anything to do with her now and that’s my fault for being the first to do it.