To ask for your quotes from narcissistic mothers

[itsgoodtobehome]

Slightly tongue in cheek. My DM is a total narcissist which I'm mostly used to now, but every now and then she comes out with a new classic which makes even me wince.

So, next weekend, DM has invited me and DSis and our families for lunch to mark a family birthday. 9 of us in total, including kids. DM was telling me the other day what she was planning to serve for lunch. She mentioned a particular thing as a starter, which is quite an acquired taste. I know for a fact that my DDad and DH don't like it, and the 3 kids won't eat it. So basically 5 out of 9 guests don't like this dish. I told her this was a bit of a waste.
Her response: 'but I have planned this menu to look a certain way, and it won't look right if I don't make this dish'

So she is quite prepared to have most of her guests not eat something just so her menu 'looks good'. I give up. Has anyone else got batshit mothers who only think of themselves and nobody else?

I was just 19 and had just had my first baby. This was in 1968 and I had not long been married. The utter shame and horror - lots of crying and falling down at the news that I was pregnant. My mother made it her job to see I was humiliated at every turn.

She came to see me the day after my son was born in hospital. Looking into the cot she was visibly disappointed and sniffing said “ Well he looks like a. *** the name of my husband’s family and now my married name. Funny that.

Never once asked how I was she looked at me and noticing the very obvious petechiae on my face said “You must have gone at that like a bull to a gate”.

My brother had bought me a housecoat (very fashionable in those days!) and as she handed it to me said that I did not deserve it - being too good for me.

Fifty four years on it still hurts like hell.

“You don’t have any friends”

”stop wasting that boys time” (now DH on first date)

“Hi how are you, I’m really tired cause I work so hard”

”my partner needs to sit at the top table” (relationship over before wedding)

“you’re a whore” as a teenager cause I was interested in boys

@SheeplessAndCounting surprisingly(!) the surgeon said I was resilient and stubborn
Did the whole thing alone, and I'm very much "I do it MYSELF" now because of it

When my mum found out I'd been raped, her reaction was to say "Don't tell Dad, because he will attack him and then he'll end up in prison and where will that leave me."

This all sounds so familiar. One of those occasions for me was when they were angry with me after major surgery. They picked me up from hospital and I could feel the mood when they arrived, I had clearly upset their Sunday. I asked my dad to go slowly over he speed humps, so he decided to put his foot down and fly over them all at super speed causing me to scream out in pain.
I then went on to meet a partner who did exactly the same. We had a baby, I ended up having an emergency c section, lost 1.5 l blood and felt very ill. My partner (now ex) screamed at me to stand up in the hospital shortly after he was born, but I felt too weak. Told me that he was fed up of taking care of the baby now (he'd changed a few nappies) I'd been getting breastfeeding underway and was still doing plenty. He just left me in the hospital and walked out.

Not my Mother but my Father… in the care home where he was staying. “Why are you dressed like that?” (Was in my Nursing uniform) Me: “cos I’m on my way to work”
Him: “you?? - work??” Who the hell would employ you?”
The last words he spoke to me, as he died a few days later.

“Nobody EVER thinks of me, none of you give a shit. And I’m always doing things for other people, never myself, I’m soooo selfless and I don’t know why I should be when you’re all so selfish”.

I feel awful as I love my mum but she plays this game - and the accompanying MASSIVE tantrum whereby my stepdad enables her calling us all to shout this - about twice a year. Something tiny will trigger it. And it’s not true, BTW - just because we aren’t all calling her every day saying “how are you, mum?”. Because we all have lives and jobs while she retired early at 48 and moved far away from us all to “live her life for her” (which is fair enough!).

The last time she did this was yesterday, on the morning of my brother’s wedding. DB snapped at her over something, which isn’t ok as he was stressed as fuck, like many people are with weddings. And she went nuclear style batshit. Stormed out the venue and called the rest of us saying this. I wasn’t there as it’s a child free wedding and my childcare fell through last minute - it I spent yesterday morning trying to tell her to get the fuck back in the venue, calming him down etc. even the bride got involved at one point and tried to calm her down. Not how you should spend your wedding morning.

She rang me today and is ‘still furious’ with us all. Not sure what the rest of us have done, but I snapped and told her she needs to get over it as yesterday was about DB! She’s supposed to be visiting us tomorrow on her way home but I really don’t have the energy for her, she is draining when she’s like this. Literally I could be shot in the head by some madman in front of her and she’d say “Oh so you’ve decided to stop listening have you? Typical. My children are so selfish.”

"I was both prettier and smarter than you and that didn't get me far, so if I were you I would study REALLY hard.'

This is so familiar to me.

As a teenager I was drugged and raped and the only thing I was sure about was I wouldn't tell my dad (my only parent) because he would just blame me and make me feel worse.

I remember the feeling throughout growing up of no one caring about me, and there being no safe space for me to go. I was always completely alone through an eating disorder, sexual assault, and other traumas - the eating disorder was me "making his life impossible," and when he found out about me having to get an abortion after sexual assault, he called me disgusting and insane and said I was mentally imbalanced and a disgrace.

Any time I needed support he just kicked me when I was down.

It's gotten to the point now that I've finally given up on him, I don't care about making him 'see' or making the relationship work or holding myself accountable to him. And he doesn't see it that way, but I finally just don't give a fuck. Finally.

@Galvanisethis and @Womblingforfree yeh, same with my parents, no empathy and if I tell them they hurt me, they are the victims, and they really believe it. I also got together with a man who behaved in the same way, I was completely disallowed from having any emotional reaction to his hurtful behaviour. He was abusive whereas my mum's style was to collapse in to tears ''you've broken my heart'' so I didn't realise they were the same for a long time, both of them would hurt me, not allow me to either tell them or have any reaction to the hurt they caused and if I tried to tell them to stop, they were the victims of my cold-heartedness. I left him and my parents were helpful to me financially but now they OWN ME. And it's really hard because any boundary is viewed as a lack of gratitude. We're not speaking at the moment and even though I told them it's because they cannot keep projecting paranoid and sensitive on to me, they've told everybody that I'm abusive, shouted at them, that I'm detached from reality, entitled, insane. They really have done a fantastic smear job on me when all I did was stand firm in my own interpretation of events and finally refuse to 'cancel' my own experience that yes, they did hurt me. They have zero empathy but have labelled me cold-hearted!

Anyway............ it is what it is. Jerry Reid, Patrick Teahan, Jerry wise, they got me through it with my sanity intact.

Abandoning during a crisis is a key sign.
Mine have engineered arguments over nothing so they can go awol/silent treatment during the following things ive been going through

This is familiar to me as well. Whenever I’ve had a genuine crisis, they doubled down on the nastiness.

There are so many I could fill a whole thread by myself so I'll pick some highlights.

"Your teen years traumatised ME!" - I was a bit wild , after several sexual assaults and emotional,mental and physical abuse from her.

When telling her my maths tutor sexually assaulted me.
"What am I paying him for if he gets his own payments?"
"I heard the rumours,x warned me but I didn't think he'd be interested in you since you were so fat."

When discussing my paternal grandfather who also sexually assaulted me.
"I'm surprised he never tried it on with me. I was so skinny and beautiful and lived in the same house. He never tried it on with me. Of course ,if he did I would've wiped the floor with him."

"You're so fat no one will like you. Tell her X(my dad) , tell her. You've never liked fat women did you? You wouldn't even be seen on the street with one, much less date one ! See? Your father agrees." - as a 17 yo I couldn't give less of a shit who my dad fancied .

Best one "You're a whore,but a stupid whore. The smart ones get paid for it."

I know deep down my mum is a narcissist but it hurts to admit most of the time. She’s either nice or not nice and when she’s not nice… wow.

When I was diagnosed with ADHD and Autism - ‘there’s nothing wrong with you that doctor doesn’t know you like I do. You’re the kindest most empathic person I know.’
‘Yes mum but I am still autistic.’
’Aren’t we all on the spectrum?’
NO NO WE ARE NOT.

Also when I had crippling depression and anxiety, was freshly out of university and simply overwhelmed with life.
’You’re just a lazy, slovenly girl. I’ve given you too much easy a life. You’re a spoilt, lazy, slovenly girl.’

Our Father died when I was a child and she had eroded his personality into this bizarre caricature of the perfect husband when he was a difficult man. Any time her reality is questioned - ‘do you have any idea what it was like being widowed at 42? I have put my life on hold for you girls.’

ahhh mums.

AND EVERYONE LOVES HER. SHE’S SO NICE TO EVERYONE BUT HER OWN CHILDREN. I DON’T GET IT! WHAT HAVE I DONE WRONG?!

whilst DM was in the midst of a new relationship with a married man, trying to get him to leave his DW but met with worries about his DCs. She asked me to message him saying that from my personal experience divorce has very little effect on kids. I said I didn’t feel comfortable getting involved [not to mention that I disagree] and she said oh F off then and hung up the phone

there are sooo many examples of this ilk, it’s exhausting. Nobody else in my life hangs up the phone on me

this thread is quite reassuring / depressing at the same time

@xJoyfulCalmWisdomx Can definitely relate. I am also now in a situation like this with my parents as a single mother.
I've learnt more about narcissism to help me cope and feel like I've made great progress in that area. Now I can spot their toxic behaviour and know that it's not my fault - I can even laugh it off some days and realise how emotionally immature they are. They've also painted me out to be a terrible person. My uncle took me out to something years ago and said "you're actually great, not mad at all like your parents have been telling me"
Good luck with your healing. I think it's wonderful that we can finally see the truth and have a label for it. I've felt very suicidal in the past and alone, but discussing it with people who understand and the many youtube videos there are on the topic help greatly.

“Hi mum, could you please look after the kids a little bit longer, the doctors say I need a blood transfusion”

Her; “errrm well, do you know how long it will take? Only I have a class booked that I’ve paid for?”

You couldn't leave so she didn't have to keep up the pretences. Even more so, she had a convenient emotional punching bag to release her vileness after being "nice" to everyone else.

I always joke I'm an only child, and I'm still not my mum's favourite child.

@Fancydancer1934 You're spot on with this. I have to work really hard to not be like this with my own children. Some of it is so deeply rooted that it can happen without warning. I do apologise to my children though and tell that it's not acceptable behaviour from a parent and I am working hard to not do these things (I'm talking about shouting etc)

My brother has NO clue what our mother is capable of because she treats him with so much respect. She portrays that smiling wouldn't hurt a fly persona to everybody in the whole world except me. So, it's easy for them to reflect that back to her.

She is defensive, she is extremely repressed, she projects all of her repressed emotions on to me, and none on to my brother, she is passive aggressive and loves the silent treatment. She did try to bring me back to heal at one point letting me know she had forgiven me but making it clear there would be NO discussion (as I'd wanted) when I refused she was back to martyr 1 again.

She discusses me for hours with my brother and I pointed out to him that she will talk about me but not to me. He actually replied ''that is true'' but it's impossible to get him to see it.

But all of this is because I am the one person she feels she OWNS. She just isn't like this to anybody else, she's ''lovely'' and in fact she is a massive people pleaser to EVERYBODY else but she certainly isn't trying to please me, she's trying to control me with a blend of martyrdom, silent treatments, defensiveness, stonewalling, blaming, shaming and rejection.

I've been written out of the family (by her). So it was just a part all along.
Not real.

It has taken me about three years to gain the acceptance that really giving up is the only route to peace.

'No wonder you haven't got any friends because you're such an awful person' after I'd upset her over some imagined slight and I'd confided in her about struggling in my friendship group as a young teen.

Oh and beating me in bed when I was asleep while calling me a slut because I'd stayed out late with my boyfriend at the age of 18 (he was my first and only boyfriend). She was jealous because her attractiveness was waning and she didn't really fancy my dad. It was always all about her and her feelings.

@xJoyfulCalmWisdomx

Yep my brother is like that.

A few years ago I couldn't afford to go to a family wedding, it would have involved a long trip, 2 nights accommodation and clothes / present all the usual stuff. I was a student (went to uni in my 30s).

My parents attended as did my brother and his wife and 3 children, bro and wife on good sallaries.

The day after the wedding my mum was checking out and decided to pay for my brother and family as well as her own bill.

She then told me this. I was supposed to say how wonderful she was for paying my brother's bill.

Then I had a phone call from my brother telling me off for not attending. When I said I couldn't afford it he said, "Well mum would have paid".

I said, "No, she would pay for you, she did pay for you but she would not have paid for me".

@georgarina 💐It's so hard having a father like this.

So many to choose from:
My mother jubilantly returned from parents evening at primary school and informed me that my class teacher had told her I was a bit slow.
When I was 15 she gave me laxatives because I was overweight, I was a bit chubby. I collapsed at school because I took too many.
I was regularly called names such as vicious bitch for the crime of turning off the curling tongs after I had used them and she also wanted to use them.

Her temper was spectacular and on the very rare occasion someone outside of the home saw it, they compared her to a wild animal.

Being told when I was 15 that my behaviour when I was with family or friends was ‘creepy’ - that was because I had such low self esteem I used to try my best to be likeable.
When I was 18 I confided in her that I was being abused by my boyfriend who was an alcoholic (physical, verbal & financial). She rang Samaritans to discuss getting him support.
I moved out when I was 18 to accommodation half an hour away by car. She rang me one day and demanded I went to the shop to buy cigarettes and take them to her - there was no reason for this demand. I refused. She then drove to my accommodation and went mad at me.
I went NC in my 20s, which was a relief, but it’s taken me a long time to let go of the guilt of doing this and acknowledge a lot of the trauma from my past.