To ask for your quotes from narcissistic mothers

[itsgoodtobehome]

Slightly tongue in cheek. My DM is a total narcissist which I'm mostly used to now, but every now and then she comes out with a new classic which makes even me wince.

So, next weekend, DM has invited me and DSis and our families for lunch to mark a family birthday. 9 of us in total, including kids. DM was telling me the other day what she was planning to serve for lunch. She mentioned a particular thing as a starter, which is quite an acquired taste. I know for a fact that my DDad and DH don't like it, and the 3 kids won't eat it. So basically 5 out of 9 guests don't like this dish. I told her this was a bit of a waste.
Her response: 'but I have planned this menu to look a certain way, and it won't look right if I don't make this dish'

So she is quite prepared to have most of her guests not eat something just so her menu 'looks good'. I give up. Has anyone else got batshit mothers who only think of themselves and nobody else?

@sylviemc I will definitely order your book. Although my mother died 2 years ago, I want to understand and almost ‘unpick’ her behaviour. I’m not sure what good it will do now but I think if I can maybe rationalise things - if that’s possible - it will help me come to terms with my own upbringing. I cannot tell you enough - and everyone else who has posted on here - how much hearing your experiences with an NPD parent has made me feel ‘less alone’ Thank you all.

The reason I have asked about NPD self awareness is because there was an interesting shift in her behaviour as she got older. When I was a child, she was assertive, outspoken, physically harsh and cuttingly cruel with her comments. As an old woman, she became more emotionally controlling, better at playing the subtle victim and using her age as an excuse - as though she knew what she was doing, but had something to blame and didn’t want to accept responsibility for her manipulations.

I'm not sure where my mothers batshittery fits in with this.

Lots of responses here where the mother is saying terrible things, but the content at least indicates that the mother has acknowledged the daughter exists as a person, even if the words said are hateful.

I don't have any examples like that because my mother has never spoken TO me, only AT me. She has never acknowledged that I would have thoughts, let alone feelings of my own. She is only ever in broadcast mode about what she has done that day and what she plans to do next. That's it. She has never asked me a question or waited for a response to something she has said. Ever. Not once.

I basically do not exist.

Do you bother with her?

@CuriousMama

I live with her 😂 she's elderly now and can't manage on her own. I kind of think of her as a mad woman who happens to live with me. She isn't my 'mum'.

Same here.
She lives with me.
Always been totally self absorbed- even when bad things happen to other people she manages to twist things around so she is the one suffering.
If I start to tell her a story- she jumps in and steers the conversation around to her experiences, I never get to the end of a piece of information, so inn the end I don't bother.
I totally get the "broadcast mode"- my mother will tell me her plans, meeting with a friend/ how she plans to go to the hairdressers/get a new battery for her watch/ go on a shopping trip.
When she comes in from a day out ( I have her signed up to lots of activities) she gives "the download". She will sit and explain in great detail every aspect of who was on the bus, who she bumped into in the street, what her friend was talking about over coffee.
The "download" will take a full 30 minutes- I just let her ramble.
I have tried to have a conversation and share some of my day too, but she makes it clear it is of no interest to her.
If I see her sitting down and going into "download mode" I pop in my ear buds and listen to an audio book or calming music.
I can see her lips moving, but hear no words.
The funny thing is she doesn't even notice that I make no effort to respond.
I look over her way as she rattles on, but she is so self absorbed that she doesn't even know I can't hear her.
Although my mother lives with me she actually doesn't know very much about me.
I have given up the idea of a real relationship with her.

@CuriousMama

Same here, I've given up any idea of a mother daughter relationship too. The thing is she's never done anything 'wrong'. No abuse, physical or verbal. She has just basically benignly ignored me my whole life. It's very difficult to pin point the problem and other people don't see it. It can feel like you're going crazy.

My narc mother when I revealed I had broken up with my dh and father of my 2 dc « oh. Well I’ve not been well ». She had a cold.

This is a weird one but DM is always up at 5am and believes she's better than everyone else because of it. She never misses an opportunity to have a 'dig' at how I'm seemingly incapable of getting up in the morning. She always says "will you manage to get up", "you'll never get there for that time" despite me being successfully at work for 8am for the past 20 years (and managing as a lone parent and doing 100% of nightfeeds at the newborn stage). She makes everybody think I'm lazy and incapable and it's just not true.

And yes to the inappropriate oversharing and using me as an emotional crutch.
Yes! The roles became reversed a lot with my mum. This started happening after my gran died.

Mum regularly used silence as a way of controlling a situation or gaining attention. A lot of the time I had no idea what I had done. This was a recognised pattern with her and I would sniff the wind and knew a silent punishment strop was coming along shortly.
She occasionally had very extreme outbursts. On one occasion she claimed me and my relative were plotting to kill her. I was about 13 years old at the time. As soon as this type of thing happened, it would be shut down and not talked about.

Homelife was not extremely abusive or life threatening. But it had long phases of being an extremely inconsistent, unreliable, anxiety inducing, covert head fuck.

Omg yes to broadcast mode. Mine does that. We're NC thank fuck but I remember that she used to do it. But with mine you had to be careful to pretend to be listening ("mmmm, ah, yes, mmm") or she'd get the hump and engineer a massive row that could go on for weeks and eventually you had no idea how it even started. But if you murmured from time to time she would just burble on and on. Not a conversation. Just a monologue.

It is sad to hear so many in a similar situation.
I struggle with mother's day- and the whole idea of our mothers being so awesome, wise and supportive.
Not something I have experienced.

It’s sad but weirdly comforting. But ultimately sad. Mothers Day - I dread. No card to sum up ‘thanks for making my life far more difficult on so many levels for so many years’. Yet still always feel obliged to ‘mark’ it and give a gift card etc (conditioning) My husband always makes a fuss of me on Mother’s Day on behalf of our kids, year just gone he was doing a BBQ, I felt guilty and invited my mother. She arrived, talked about herself non stop, nearly caused a row, then left. This coming year I’m free from the guilt and she won’t be getting a card or anything, as earlier this year she started her antics at my daughters events, totally spoiling both occasions. That was my limit reached. She’s damaged me but over my dead body does she impact my children.

Exactly the same with mine. It was almost as though getting up early was a competitor sport! She always commented on how ‘lazy’ others were who wanted a lie in, even after a week at work! She would ring me at 10am and immediately ask if I was still in bed - why? And did it matter if I was? When she stayed with me, she would get up and dressed at some insanely early hour - I could hear her fussing around downstairs - and then make a big deal about how many hours she had been up already when I came down. It was so ridiculous that I once put my filter coffee machine on timer so it was ready at 3:30am. When she got up at 5am, and smelt and saw it, she clearly thought I had already beaten her in the morning race! Childish of me, but so satisfying.

Agree totally with the constant yapping about nothing. DH and I used to call it ‘twittering’ Maybe it was a nervous thing, but she couldn’t stop and just chill. She had to be talking about herself constantly. How she had given advice/saved someone’s life/how beautiful someone told her she was/how a complete stranger had told her she was so clever etc etc. And yes, even when we got so bored that we started having our own conversation, she would keep going on. I often thought about getting one of those life size cardboard cutouts of myself with an interested look on my face and just planting next to her!

my mother died and i was still unpicking it all - it wasnt until i wrote this particular book that i realised the enormity of her influence on me and the rest of my family - twelve years on and i think i have it sorted in my own head but we never really know - but she had three kids and 7 grandkids and not one of them liked her, the grandkids used to cry if they had to go and see her - so it wasnt all at me, though i was her chief scapegoat - I am so so lucky that i am close to both my sons and daughters in law, all the grandkids and step grandkids and my step daughter too - i feel so terribly sad for how much she ruined her own life - and i have so much to write about lol.

Oooo I could add loads of my mothers comments to this. I wouldn't know where to start though as there's so many.

I just wanted to say thank you for this thread. I wouldn't wish anyone to have to put up with mums that stay stuff like what on here, or especially my mother BUT this makes me feel less alone. Everyone I know has a great close relationship with their mum. I'm made to feel like an oddball for not having a good relationship with her. Sometimes it's just nice to hear you're not alone and there's others who understand.

When at my absolute lowest ready to take my own life, she said "you don't take after me or your dad".
Yeah unfortunately I do, you shouldn't have had me you complete fucking inadequates

"Right, get that off you now, if I have to travel all this way I want to get round the shops for myself." I was trying on my wedding dress for the first time.

Or " if you don't get a move on you'll have a baby with downs syndrome" while we were doing our best to conceive.

Or "I hope you have as awful a birth with your child as I had to have with you" when I finally got pregnant (she almost died in childbirth)

I'm adopted and my mum said I was a slit like my real mother I was 10 at the time and eating my lunch . I didn't even know what a slut was I had to look it up . I was a normal 10 year old a bit geeky if anything

Sorry should say slut *

'I hope you don't mind that I'm not taking much interest in the wedding, but I'm not really interested in weddings.'
(in the run-up to my wedding. I'm an only child so it's not like she had wedding fatigue or anything!)

And^^ one from just the other day when I was trying to have a conversation to try and establish whether her energy levels were dwindling (she's 82, frail and I'm her carer): 'People get tired when they're older, bringincrazyback'. Said in a really patronising/snappy way as though this would be news to me. I suffer from M.E.

Oh, and I just remembered a corker from years ago: 'I don't walk the same way as you' when I pointed out that the rug she'd just placed on the (slippery) kitchen floor was dangerous (having just nearly skated the length of the kitchen after stepping on it). So never mind my safety and my dad's, just so long as she was all right!!

Also, 'How do you think this makes me feel?' (with a side order of tears) whenever I am upset about anything. I haven't talked to her about any of my problems for years because of this, it's just not worth the guilt trip.

Narcissim is a wound, sometimes caused by childhood trauma.
Although we can heal ourselves from all kinds of experience the narcissist doesn't have that option.
They act from a deep seated insecurity, but also an inability to self examine- which is crucial in healing.
The whole iea of healing, changing, growing is an alien concept. They are stuck.
Which doesn't absolve them of their shitty behaviour.
I have done a lot of deep diving - with a therapist, also reading and informing myself.
There are wonderful videos on youtube, Dr Ramani is great, ( for anyone wishing to practice grey rock)Dr Carter, Patrick Teahan.
Bethany Webster is also helpful- for anyone wanting to explore the motherwound
I find the whole mother's day card thing hard too.
I used to buy cards with pre written words- this type of thing-
You hold such a special place in my heart. ...
I'm so proud to be your [son/daughter/child/kid].
Right from the start, you supported me in everything. ...
Now that I'm grown, I don't just feel gratitude for you—I admire you.
Raising me took a lot of patience. ...
Mama, you sacrificed so I could rise.

But my mother would read out the verse repeatedly, and last time decided to copy some of the words into her diary so she could show her friends what I thin of her.
But none of it was true- at all.
So I now buy a blank card and simply write Happy Mother's Day- from speakout.

My mother is very ashamed of me, particularly the job I do, they know I work from home- she has told them I am a firefighter- despite the fact I am 60 and work from home.
She won't even tell my sister what I do for a living- my mother says it's "best to sweep that under the carpet".
It would be painful if I hadn't stopped seeking validation from my mother many years ago.

bringincrazyback all that sounds so familiar, is sad, but also comedic in a way.
People who have good support from their mothers don't understand it- and in the past I would yearn for a wise and interested mother.
I married young and my OH was abusive, I suffered assult, rape- I never had the chance to learn about self esteem. In my despair I turned to my mother for help.
She said " you are simply bad at choosing men, now look at your father, he never lifted a finger to me, I am a great judge of character and you have to admit you can be a very annoying person, so no wonder he gets angry"

I do still get little pangs and wonder what it must be like to have a good mother.
But mostly I am over my mother- I do grey rock. She knows nothing about my life, what I do when I go out, whether I have friends, what my interests are- and she lives with me.
She is totally self absorbed it is a waste of breath letting her into my life.

Wow, this is so enlightening… there are things I really hadn’t appreciated were part of NPD. Things I’d thought were just “my mum”.

She totally does the monologue. Loud. Broadcast mode as previous posters have said. She also repeats the same shit. When, aged about 22, I said “you just told me that”. She put me in my place by explaining that’s what “nice mother-daughter” chat is all about. That’s what she does with her (very nice) mum. There was something wrong and off about me for even questioning it.

ref weddings. Well, she didn’t even bother to help with dresses or etc. then again, I wouldn’t dream of asking her. If I had, I trust she would (bingo) simply crit my entire body and my choices. She is a body shamer. Everyone is too fat, too thin. With my history of ED I wouldn’t dream of letting her see me undress! BUT, when I said I was thinking of a red dress, she said “good, I’ll get red too”. At which point I thought no way am I wearing red! So I said “hmm, I might wear white, I’m still not sure”. No more was discussed and I went on every fitting on my own. (I think the fitter felt a bit sorry for me, and was very motherly around me!) On the day, her outfit was not red or white but …pink. Hedging her bets. Hilarious. No surprise tho: when my sister got married, my mother actually wore a lace white outfit… not a bouffant wedding dress but bridal in a suit way. People did wonder if she were the bride. The upstaging thing.

Birth stories and young children. Ah yes, she never once helped with the dc. No nappies. No babysitting. Remember when I gave birth to my first, she was actively delighted to hear of my birth difficulties (I had caused her a rip when I was born). I do remember at the time, and after, thinking “just wow… how strange. Now I’m up close to other people with their mums, now I am a mum, I wouldn’t be like that.”

Note that I still knew nothing about NPD at the time, and didn’t know she had it, or that she wasn’t like most mums (after all, she always repeated what a wonderful mother she was; as did my father). Only now that I have kids do I realise how truly awful she was. The irony was I didn’t want kids (first was an accident) since I didn’t want the mother-child relationship since i knew it to be so awful… no, OUR “relationship” was awful. I do everything in my power to make my children feel loved and heard and empathised with…and my children DO NOT see her. She became physically violent in 2014 to my father and since then, no more visits. (She’s an alcoholic.) Fuck that, I’m not subjecting my children to her.

to all of you, thanks for sharing your stories. You are shedding so much new light…

even tho I have done a lot of reading and listening to videos on NPD. It’s the small stories. The seemingly insignificant or unique things that, so it turns out, many of us share. It’s such a slippery condition! Outsiders will not understand. Eg a daughter of a nice mum might imagine: but everyone monologues now and again, and sharing is great. However, the difference is: she always monologues, overshares inappropriately, is nasty in words, expects everything; and yet she knows nothing at all about us. She knows nothing at all about me. A Complete one way, abusive relationship. We are nothings in their orbit.

I agree about all the small things- there are huge things too, but it is the day to day thousand cuts that do a lot of damage.

I have an amazing relationship with my own DD ( now 22), and my son. They seek out my company, go for meals, chat, hug, cry together.
DD and I are off on holiday next week- at her request, I can't imagine wanting to go on holiday with my mother at 22.

One of the latest broadcasts from my mother was her telling me how lucky I was to have such great children .
She says she was not that lucky.
It's these passive agressive comments that I find the meanest.

One September it was my turn to host book club. The September meeting was always fully attended, as there were no meetings over the summer holidays, and we would have several titles to discuss. At our book club, the host(ess) provides supper. My mother knew all this. But she decided to phone me up at 7pm that evening. It was not an emergency for her, but when I said that my book clubbers were at the door and that I would call her in the morning, she kicked off and put the phone down on me. I got the silent treatment for about a week - she didn't answer my calls, so after a day I just didn't bother ringing. Eventually she called me (because my DC were in a school event that she really wanted to attend). But that silent week was blissful!