To ask for your quotes from narcissistic mothers

[itsgoodtobehome]

Slightly tongue in cheek. My DM is a total narcissist which I'm mostly used to now, but every now and then she comes out with a new classic which makes even me wince.

So, next weekend, DM has invited me and DSis and our families for lunch to mark a family birthday. 9 of us in total, including kids. DM was telling me the other day what she was planning to serve for lunch. She mentioned a particular thing as a starter, which is quite an acquired taste. I know for a fact that my DDad and DH don't like it, and the 3 kids won't eat it. So basically 5 out of 9 guests don't like this dish. I told her this was a bit of a waste.
Her response: 'but I have planned this menu to look a certain way, and it won't look right if I don't make this dish'

So she is quite prepared to have most of her guests not eat something just so her menu 'looks good'. I give up. Has anyone else got batshit mothers who only think of themselves and nobody else?

Oh same, only in the last 5 years (now 52) can I hear these words without my heart missing a beat.

Stepmother told her sisters who were talking about who would care for them when they got older that as I was so ugly that no one would marry me, so I would do it, I was 15. BITCH

God @01Name this is literally me

its reassuring and saddening to see the same thing happened to someone else, down to the elderly relative remembering things I can’t and now having an insanely good memory

Yes! I believe it’s a form of trauma response. I asked my therapist if it would be a good idea to try to bring some of my memories back, perhaps hypnotherapy or something. She said ‘no, there is a reason why you suppress memories and they are likely painful ones’.

I agree.
I have lots of reason to believe some bad things happaned to me as a child- although no memory, lots of clues all point to the same thing.
Forgetting is something the mind does to protect ourselves, and forcing a memory may not be the best thing for us.
But we can still heal even though the memory is gone.
With the help of a therapist and other techniques I comfort and care for my inner child- giving her the security and safety that she didn't have.
That then works to heal my current self, giving me grounding and stability.

OMG just reading, "Can I have a word?" my tummy did a flip.

I also have chunks missing from my memories, but some of the ones I do have I can see how she deliberately spoiled things.

I can remember being somewhere on holiday or a day trip and we went into a shop and I can't remember what it was but something I would have loved, glass maybe? Anyway I knew better than to ask if I could have anything, so I just enjoyed looking.

On the way back tot he car she told me I could have had anything I wanted in the shop if I'd asked. I lied and told her I didn't want anything, I knew if I said I'd like something I would not be allowed to go back and I would have been told off for not asking in the shop.

The 'you can have anything you want in the shop' example sounds familiar. No-win situation, they just want to make you express that you like/want something so they can deny you it, deny they ever offered it, make fun of your taste, your sense of 'entitlement' for daring to presume you might get something nice, etc.

Trouble with grey-rocking and being 'meh' about everything is that eventually, you forget what you actually do like/want - something to keep an eye on. I know after extended narc mother contact I feel very indifferent and disengaged from things because I've been in neutral, boring and inoffensive mode the whole time.

There were certainly events my mother knew I was excited about as a child but she would either cancel them or tell other families, at the last moment, I wouldn’t be going after all - for absolutely no reason other than fact she just had the power to do it.

My much older half sister (different mother) told me as an adult there was an incident on a family trip when I was a toddler when I fell out of a moving car. Rather than check I was ok, my mother proceeded to wallop me really hard whilst everyone looking on felt ‘awkward’ Clearly, her view was it was a 3 year olds fault for not being secured in the vehicle and I needed to be taught a lesson. With my mother, everything was all about not ‘losing face’ The fact I was in danger was more embarrassing to her than the potential harm to a child.

My sister randomly commented several years ago that, “You were quite a nervous little thing. Always shaking.”

Having read the posts about memories, I’ve tried to recall even happy moments from my childhood too - and I can’t - although surely there must have been some good times? Exactly as others, I can see snapshots of things, certain toys, a place or a face but all linked to memories of punishments.

The only reason I’ve possibly kept my MH on a fairly even keel is having a DH, DD and DS who had seen her behaviour first hand as she was unable to keep the charming projected persona going within the immediate family so I didn’t need to justify why my relationship with her was so bizarre. They saw my tears of anger and frustration enough times after we left from a visit because even as an adult, she was able to find my weak spots and exploit them.

Are you NC now?

We went on a day trip to a city and I saw a T-shirt I loved. No chance. Got back to the car and my DM started talking about how I should get the T-shirt and maybe I could walk back alone to get it (I was 11) because she was too tired. Kept talking as if she would have got it and how generous she was.
she had form for taking back birthday/Christmas presents as well. Only from me. Not from my brothers. ‘It wasn’t meant to be just yours’.

She died of Alzheimer’s in May 2020.

Another irony, because when her supposed best friend was diagnosed with mild dementia three years before, she dropped her like a hot potato. Wouldn’t have anything to do with her. All to do with her inherent and Victorian fear of MI.
I did the right thing by her, I got her into a very good CH, visited her dutifully, ignored the now publicly vicious and spiteful comments as the Alzheimer’s had removed her selective audience inhibitions and paid someone else to be her impersonal whipping post.

Please don’t judge me too harshly, but I was almost relieved that she had to have a very small funeral because of Covid restrictions at the time. She had always gone on about wanting a full requiem mass and the thought of people coming up to me telling me what a wonderful woman she was and how lucky I had been to have her as a mother would have been very hard to stomach without commenting back.

I’ve never shed a tear or grieved for her and neither have my adult children. One of her regular verbal attacks when I was a child was, “One day when I’m dead and gone, you’ll regret treating me like you have!” I used to fear the day that that happened, but it hasn’t yet.

"And is this good news...?"

When I told her I was pregnant with dd after trying for over a year

That's one of many horrible comments & situations but was the one that immediately sprang to mind.

I know exactly how you felt. I went through all of this. You are a good kind person , there is only so much hate you can take from someone who is supposed to love you.
Take care.

I think you're a saint! I wouldn't have visited.

Thank you, that is truly appreciated. I gave up hating her myself years before she died as the emotion was eating up and destroying me rather than her.

I don’t even know what my mother felt for me. She would tell me constantly throughout my life how much she loved me but her treatment of me totally contradicted her words. Almost using ‘love’ as a justification for harsh physical and mental abuse - she would have just called it having high standards and expectations.

I am left handed and I’ve always struggled with my handwriting, particularly with a fountain pen. Because of the way I hold a writing implement, I end up immediately smudging whatever I have just written. She used to stand over me whilst I did my homework watching and screaming at me if I made an error or marked the page. The pressure invariably made me more anxious so consequently I would make a mistake. She would then grab my exercise book, rip out the page, tear it up and make me start again. Whilst she didn’t try and change my dominant handedness, she would try and force my hand to move against its natural writing movement.
I remember the humiliation of my class teacher making me stand up and say why my books were always thinner than everyone else’s. I told her the absolute truth but in those days, there was never any follow up or concerns raised.

That reminds me of another.

I went through a 'Dali phase' in my teens, I had Dali pictures on my walls, got books out of the library.

We went on holiday to Spain, driving, we stopped in Figueres, we stood outside the Dali museum. We did not go in.

I too get in a mess if my boss wants to talk. I'm fairly confident, good at my job but I fret if anyone wants to discuss anything. I also get defensive.

It all goes back to her. My feelings, needs and wants were never valid. The world had to revolve around her. I had an exceptionally good DF but I think a crap DM does so much damage.

I also feel resentment that her family knew this was going on and did very little. Most of them refused to believe what she was like, help my DF or support me.

My mothering style is polar opposite to hers. I love my DS, support and spoil him. I'm actively interested in him and his life. Like a mother should be.

She showed very little interest in my DS unless it was to brag to people. Even in my DS's company she would just sit there and talk about herself. "People say I'm so intelligent/good looking/talented/help others too much/have beautiful skin/look so young". Do they? What people? When? Oh do fuck off.

Not sure if this one counts or not, but she has constantly got issues with my weight and for as long as I can remember has been obsessed by appearance, constantly commenting on others size and wanting to know if they’re bigger than her etc. When at her house she has asked me not to sit on certain bits of furniture as they have a weight limit that I might exceed.

Yes, I too am always very anxious about authority figures. I have a lovely DF and love him to bits. In my head I never criticised him, until I had a thought wondering why he never protected us and why the rule was always that we weren’t to upset my mother. He asked me recently why I’d never told him that my primary school teacher used to beat us, and I thought but didn’t say ‘Why would I think you’d do anything? You never really helped us with Mum. And when she was having her repeated sessions of ECT in hospital nobody once asked us if we were ok.’

This certainly seems to be a recurrent theme/affliction too. Fixating on weight. Comments about others; people were either ‘enormous’ and ‘scrawny’ No one ever seemed to be ok or just about right in her mind. She had to constantly voice an opinion on others sizes,
”What does she think she looks like?”
”She shouldn’t be wearing something like that with that shape”
”How on earth do people get that size?”

But you couldn’t win.
”Since XYZ lost weight, they look SO ill now. It doesn’t suit them”

But, her first question whenever I visited her was, “Don’t you think I’ve lost weight?”
And she never had, she looked exactly the same! 🙄

All of this! We narrowed DM's moods down to 3 - angry, smug or self-pitying. All men fancy her. Everybody else is stupid. Wonder if a lot of narcissistic women in the 60s and 70s simply saw marrying and having children as a way out of not having to work? My DM refused to work, but claimed that DF wouldn't let her. She did the absolute minimum round the house whilst he grafted away.

@mrwalkensir - my DM definitely got married so she could give up work. She didnt want me but then used me as an excuse not to work for 18 years! She had the odd part time job but she was sacked or left because she didnt get on with anyone and thought she knew everything.

She was obsessed with money but never wanted to do anything like holidays. She spent everything on her and her affair partners. She would rage and scream if she thought there wasnt enough money.

If I had something important coming up she would make something up so the attention was on her. In the run up to my leaving home so she would have to get a job all of a sudden she was really sick. She couldnt possibly work then or go to the doctor or try to get well.

And yes obsessed about weight. Crowing about people putting on weight or losing weight or me putting on weight. Whilst she was perfect. Constantly bragging about having a small waist when she married at 20. We all had small waists at 20!

She was deliberately cruel and spiteful. She used to take delight in awful things happening to me and others. She used to tell her friends spiteful things about me especially if I had a boyfriend.

Years of this. She was the most exhausting, joy sucking, self centred, jealous person.

@blackpearwhitelilies - my DF tried to protect me. But the best thing he could have done was to leave and take me with him. His family would have helped him.

As it was they divorced when I was an adult.

Can I ask people's reaction when you say something that's probably mean in normal circumstances?

Recently, one of our friends parents died and DH went to the funeral.
A family member who didn't get on that well always with the deceased attended and it was noted that it was "normal" regardless to go despite differences as its family.

I commented when he came home and told me that I would only go to my mother's funeral to make sure she was definitely dead.

DH said despite knowing how vile she is it was really nasty to say that and he felt uncomfortable about me speaking that way. That it sounded a bit sick

I don't feel it is. He does know a lot of what went on but I've always found it so hard to discuss fully. I don't owe her anything at all, not even in death (if I even find out when she's gone cos my sister will probably want to check the will first).

I've had other looks from people before. At our wedding, someone who didn't know asked where my family were. I said my mother couldn't get broomstick insurance during Covid. I got a shocked look. My best mate and her mum laughed bless them because they know the whole story.