To ask for your quotes from narcissistic mothers

[itsgoodtobehome]

Slightly tongue in cheek. My DM is a total narcissist which I'm mostly used to now, but every now and then she comes out with a new classic which makes even me wince.

So, next weekend, DM has invited me and DSis and our families for lunch to mark a family birthday. 9 of us in total, including kids. DM was telling me the other day what she was planning to serve for lunch. She mentioned a particular thing as a starter, which is quite an acquired taste. I know for a fact that my DDad and DH don't like it, and the 3 kids won't eat it. So basically 5 out of 9 guests don't like this dish. I told her this was a bit of a waste.
Her response: 'but I have planned this menu to look a certain way, and it won't look right if I don't make this dish'

So she is quite prepared to have most of her guests not eat something just so her menu 'looks good'. I give up. Has anyone else got batshit mothers who only think of themselves and nobody else?

@ReformedWaywardTeen - I've had that as well. "You've only got one mother", "she wasnt all bad" etc. But there weren't there day in, day out. It is so easy to judge. My friends knew it even though I tried to hide it until I was an adult.

One friend said that I would have two homes when they split up. And I laughed hysterically. Of course I didnt. The marriage ended and she dropped me until she wanted something.

Funnily enough not one person has ever said she loved me.

I think people who have had ‘normal’ family relationships can’t truly or fully appreciate what having an NPD parent is like. I get what you mean exactly; my DH knew and saw exactly what a bitch my mother could be and even on occasion told her to her face that her comments to me were totally unacceptable but still felt I had a sense of duty to her because of the family connection. When I talked about going NC, he said he would support my decision but I know he struggled with the idea and so I coped by keeping visits very infrequent, short and formal.

There’s also a sense of warped loyalty to these people. Maybe it’s part of their control - whilst loving dishing the dirt and interfering in others lives, she was obsessive about others perceptions of her and I was always told by her never to discuss ‘our business’ with others. I tended to bite my lip most of the time when others raved how wonderful she was. With hindsight, even my beloved father enabled her. When I tried to speak to him about things, he just dismissed it with, “Well, you know what your mother is like” and if I stood up to her, he used to plead with me not to “upset” her and “just do what you’re told.”

She was very good at the perfect mother/daughter relationship propaganda to outsiders. She convinced her friends that we got on incredibly well and that we were very close so it would have almost have been pointless trying to speak out about what was really going on. There have been so many occasions when I have wanted to shock others and say, “Actually I hate her. She’s not what you think she is.She’s intentionally takes pleasure in being cruel and you’d be horrified if you knew what she said about you behind your back. She’s incapable of love or empathy and your only value to her is because your feed her need to be complimented and admired. Once you stop or she’s bored with you, she’ll cut you out of her life as she has with many before you.”

I've never said anything like that to anyone. I wouldn't dare.

But I have recently started therapy because, while I don't wish my mother dead, exactly, I look forward to the day when I don't have to factor her into my thoughts at all. And then I became worried I might suddenly get some huge guilt trip when she dies.

My therapist said it was completely understandable how I felt. I felt the need to repeat that I am looking forward to when she is no longer here, just to make sure the therapist had understood. She had, and reassured me again.

But as others have said, people who've not lived with such parents have no idea. Even those who have quite often don't get what the problem is, since we are so conditioned that parents love and want the best for their children and vice versa.

People with "normal" families don't get it on the whole and think you're just being stubborn if you don't want to "sort it out" because they don't understand that the relationship isn't like the relationship they have with their own family. Even other people from toxic families don't always get it. I have a cousin who has a mother very similar to mine (sisters) but he's deep in the fog and thinks I should Bury the hatchet with my own mother.
But there's no point being truthful because they don't get it

People who don't know the background will just think you're the difficult one if you say things like that because they have no idea what it's like.

100% this.

Old friends of my mother's I bumped into would ask how she was sometimes fishing to report back. I always say fihe and change the subject. You can see the disappointed on the faces. I've been NC 15 years now

Constant, passive-agressive comparisons. Like EVERY day.

Next door: Her daughters are never away from there, always taking her here there and everywhere, I get nowhere. No-one takes me places.

Context: She is 25 years younger than the lady next door, whose daughters are retired. I in comparison run my own business and have a young family. And I DO take her out. Regularly. I'm just not available on a random Tuesday at 11am, because I'm, you know, working. She also has her own car, seperate to my dad's so she can go about as she pleases. I live a 15 minute drive from her. She has NEVER driven herself to my house.

And solidarity to everyone else who has mentioned the 'I love you because I have to, but I don't like you', the hair, the clothes, the life choices, none of which will ever, I have come to realise, meet her expectations. The most I can ever hope for is 'I thought you had gotten your hair done, yes, that's better'.

I used to be told that a friend of hers DD was so much better than me. At the time of made a change from constant comparisons to my sister.
She was far smarter, more popular, far nicer, prettier, you name it, I could not compete with this wonder child. Even to the point the child's mum used to try and play it down when she would tell her how lucky she was to have her rather thana disappointment like me.

I immediately hated this child. Which was difficult as I was always made to go to her house when my mum went there for a cup of tea. We really disliked each other! She would call my mum weird to others

Years later, in one of the last times I tolerated being at her home, she went to the kitchen to make tea and the local paper was sitting on the sofa. On the front was a huge article about the girl she compared me to, now an older teen, who had been found guilty of a huge drug running, smuggling and dealing operation. Clearly she used her well promoted smarts to a point to run one of the biggest drug rings in the wider area until she and her gang were caught in a sting.

The enjoyment I had making her squirm shoving it in her face. At first she tried to say it was the same name different girl but I knew it wasn't. She still never apologised instead saying I wouldn't have had the brains to set something up like that.

Even with a huge prison sentence, and a criminal record, this girl was still better than me.

If I was at a school singing competition, my mum would come over and tell me how ‘that other school’ was better than mine.

I was negatively compared to other people all the time. So yeah, I get this. I had no siblings for her to play me off against, you see!

Another favourite phrase of hers what ‘Anyone else would say this / do that / agree with me. BUT NOT YOU’

As a child you just feel like you’re wrong.

Probably the top narc quote from my mum was when my younger brother told her he was gay (I was there supporting) She burst into tears and asked 'is it my fault??'

I once challenged her about the obviously preferential treatment my older brother had received, and whether he was her favourite growing up. Her response - no, (younger brother) was my favourite, oldest was my second favourite. Me: guess my place is clear then. Her: well I never wanted a girl.

My early memories of playing as kids - running around and being noisy as young children do, not doing anything naughty - includes her shouting 'why are you doing this to me?'

She also used to tell me off for having bad teeth because going to the dentist was stressful (for her) and because my teeth reminded her of my dad.

She really had no empathy for children.

@Cranarc ive covered this in great depths with my counsellor. I can’t say it’s not something I don’t do, often the thought sometimes escapes before I can stop it. I suspect I’d feel a huge sense of relief and guilt when it does happen. I suggest when her death comes you reach out to a therapist or counsellor to help process it.

Oh wow I have a ton of these from my DM but one of the worse was to DH after his DF had just died " your mum is so lucky he died as opposed to leaving her like my exh"

@JohnPrescottsPyjamas

My in-laws used to say that to DH a lot as well.

I find it sick when DH had lot's of issue's that they would encourage secrecy etc and close him down.

It amuses me however that now quite a lot of people they vaguely know ,do know quite a bit of theirs personal business!
Some quite private stuff that they would be embarrassed about.

I’ve called my mum out on a couple of things the last few days, and she’s not happy. Says that I’m taking out my anger and frustration on her and did I think that perhaps if I wasn’t so fat I might be less irritable and nicer to her?

This one is epic. I know this would have been horrific to grow up with but I hope you can see how ridiculous this is and evidence that your mother is clearly insane and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with you

Any fat I carry helps buffer my bare bone resentment/anger 🤣🤣🤣

Me, diagnosed with cervical cancer.

Her first reaction on finding out; 'I can't believe I'm finally the mum of someone with cancer!' excited face

She doesn't understand why we're LC.

Fucking hell. I’m so sorry. I hope you’re doing ok.

Good grief!

Although I could easily have seen my NPD mother reacting the same. Loving a bit of serious illness in a close family member - without the inconvenience of suffering it oneself. Lots of potential sympathy and drama to be harvested from the situation.

When my DF and subsequently later my SF were diagnosed with terminal cancer, she managed to still make it all about her! She wanted nothing to do with either of them once they became a burden to her and refused to have either of them at home, despite their wishes and full time carers having been put in place.

However, despite them both being fully hospitalised, it didn’t stop her exploiting their illnesses by telling shops and businesses that she was ‘looking after’ them in the hope she would get discount, quicker delivery etc.

When my father was still clinging to life, instead of spending precious time with him, she went clothes shopping as she wanted something new and expensive to wear at the funeral and was fussing about what I was going to be dressed in!

And at both their funerals, so many friends and family members talked about what a selfless and saintly person she had been to care so well for them both.

what the hell is wrong with her?

My mum did this when my Paternal grandfather was diagnosed with lung cancer. She gleefully burst into the bathroom to tell me, she was practically dancing with joy. Even though my parents were divorced at this point she just wanted to exploit the illness for attention and kicks.

She used to go round telling her Friends how my grandad still thought of her as a daughter even though my parents had divorced some time ago.

When he died she invited herself to the funeral and expected to be included in everything and when she wasn't took a strop and turned up to the church in the scruffiest outfit she could find and made a spectacle of crying.

Then when we were travelling home she kicked off in the airport that we weren't looking after her, after all she was the one who was hurting the most and Grandad meant more to her then he could possibly to us. The women who wasn't actually related to him and who had barely spoken to him in years.

I think we didn't speak to her for quite some time after that but it took a few more years of that kind of behaviour before I went no contact

These are awful.

I've been NC for 3 years. She's recently been writing to my MIL behind my back. She has to write, she's been blocked.

last month My mother asked me to cook my grandma a roast every Sunday while she was away on holiday for 6 weeks. I have not spoken to any family member for 3 years (my grandma supports my mum's views).
I didn't cook her a roast (she has plenty of family around her).
My mother wrote to my MIL to tell her how horrible I was and how much I'd upset her.

The only family I have now.

So she created me a job that wasn't my responsibility and then when I didn't do it, wrote to the only family I have left to tell them how horrible I am.

Omfg never mind LC I think full NC would be better for you.

Hope you are coping all right and getting through it. I'm sorry this is happening to you and sorry your mum is vile. I hope you have other more supportive people in your life. Sending hugs and hoping for a full and fast recovery for you

Hi, Im so sorry for all my fellow NPD daughters. I can relate to so, so, so much you have all written here.

Some of what you have written has been a revelation since it is EXACTLY what I’ve experienced, but I didn’t attribute it to NPD. For example, the flirting, the belief that she is the world’s greatest beauty. She’s 82 now, and still thinks she’s ravishing. When she’s not off her face on alcohol and pills, that is.

BTW, it was a mental health nurse who said my mother most likely is NPD (know it’s very hard to diagnose since the person won’t admit to any flaws!) - her diagnosis came after SS brought in because of her violent behaviour against my aged dad…

So one thing I’d add is that, along side the big things, I think NPD can lead to “death by a thousand cuts”. So some things sound small to “outsiders”, but when these things are just one cut of a thousand, each adds up.

Agree with outsiders not “getting it”. Or thinking they know better, or would do differently. Or that “but it’s your mum!” This is why I tend never to talk about it. Tho One relative even told me “paradise lies at the feet of the mother”. Hmm.

Some small things, that sound ok, but all add up into a big thing: Never ever been apologised to, apart from via a letter that she wrote to me when she was in Alcoholics Anonymous, about 20 years ago (I have since learnt that AA asks people to make amends, which is why she wrote to me - tho even at the time, I thought the letter was odd! It was mostly excusing what she did. But it was before I knew about NPD). “Sorry” is simply not part of her vocab. In fact, YOU need to be sorry! Familiar?

Have never been told I was loved (so didn’t get the “love, but not like”).

constant negative comparisons, especially with my super bright sister. She held the strong belief that I’m really thick, and my sister still thinks I am (hell, I still do). I mean, I do have a PhD, from Oxford, but I’m thick. This is twisted isnt it? like others, she had me tested as a child for learning disorders (specifically for dyslexia, since she thought I was so thick).

Utter liar. Makes up completely new narratives. Denies the truth so strongly you doubt yourself. She’s very convincing. She’s also very forceful. Alpha personality. yet, you are made to feel like you are the scary meanie. She twists, twists, twists.

Can be ever so nice to people. Different in public. Ever such a nice and charming host. I thought everyone was like this and it was only in my early 30s when I stayed with a family for a year that I realised her behaviour was not normal (I waited for certain members of that family to start shrieking and howling like she did, after the novelty of my visit wore off - it never happened. They remained pleasant with one another.)

suicidal. She is on the edge. Constant threats ever since I was a teen.

Parentified me. I had to deal with her alone. Alcoholic when I was a teen. This was the biggest thing, the sense of responsibility and guilt (somehow it was all my fault). Sibs left home. Father always working late. Now, she’s a widow and again a raging alcoholic (she quit for a while). I don’t know how she does it. But now, at least, others are involved and see her for who she is.

I do not know if she even understands what she does. My reading on the matter suggests she doesn’t. She had childhood trauma. I strongly think her brain is fucked.

I relate very strongly with all that @JohnPrescottsPyjamas writes and I’m sorry for @QuizzlyBear and so much else everyone else has written.

Basically, these mothers never have our backs, but they think (and say!) that they are the worlds greatest mother. Honestly, my mum would believe she is up for best wife and best mother award. She is a dangerous psychopath who has been the most negative influence on my life (but then, she did say, when I was a child, that it was good to hear these neg things from her — eg how mad, horrible, ugly, stupid, fat* I was — and not others, since they would make me stronger and more able to deal with life - erm yeah, not what any psychological research has shown, ever)

*ps both my sister and I have had anorexia. I had serious eating disorders until early 30s. That is a whole other thread.I place the blame directly at her feet! There, I’ve said it. And I’ve never said that before. Thank you to the Op for starting this thread.