To ask for your quotes from narcissistic mothers

[itsgoodtobehome]

Slightly tongue in cheek. My DM is a total narcissist which I'm mostly used to now, but every now and then she comes out with a new classic which makes even me wince.

So, next weekend, DM has invited me and DSis and our families for lunch to mark a family birthday. 9 of us in total, including kids. DM was telling me the other day what she was planning to serve for lunch. She mentioned a particular thing as a starter, which is quite an acquired taste. I know for a fact that my DDad and DH don't like it, and the 3 kids won't eat it. So basically 5 out of 9 guests don't like this dish. I told her this was a bit of a waste.
Her response: 'but I have planned this menu to look a certain way, and it won't look right if I don't make this dish'

So she is quite prepared to have most of her guests not eat something just so her menu 'looks good'. I give up. Has anyone else got batshit mothers who only think of themselves and nobody else?

No I don't. And haven't done in over 20 years.

I did once try and bring things up but she may as well have put her fingers in her ears. It's never have fault.

My sister (half) is the same apparently. We have friends in common and she is a nightmare just like my mother.

Yes absolutely. I also approached motherhood determined to thoroughly entertain and delight my children as I held them in a constant loving embrace, just so I could rewrite history. It turned out that my son was determined not to sleep for longer than 2 hours at a time and was colicky, so my cheery demeanor was tested from about day 2 and over many years and lots of therapy myself I have come to the conclusion that my kids are robust enough to cope with seeing me angry, sad, tired, anxious etc too. It's just all about my relationship with them and making sure as a parent I am not projecting all the negative stuff onto them. This is how I rewrite history. I didn't actually have to be Julie Andrews in the Sound of Music. I still worry about damaging my kids and struggle a lot tho, but I reason that my parents did not worry about how they were relating to me so in that sense things are very different. They literally only ever thought about how hard I made their lives.

@ReformedWaywardTeen WOW.

Is there a factory making these women? How can so many of us have the same or very similar experiences?

@Porridgeislife your comment chilled me as my mum used to talk about a couple who dm & df we're friends with. She would often tell me how this couple wanted to adopt me. I did find out many years later that my mum had actually started the process to have me adopted (not necessarily by this couple) but my df stopped the process at the last minute.
Dm constantly told me how I was a 'mistake ' and she had tried to abort me. That I had ruined her body and frequently shipped me off to friends for months when I was a baby/toddler.

This majorly affected how I was with my children, I was terrified I would be like her but thankfully my kids tell me I am an ok mum. I remember having an overwhelming feeling of love and realising I would do anything to protect my children from harm of any kind. That's when my mum's behaviour really hit me again.

In later years she did mellow towards me as I did a lot of running around for her.

I think the best thing about having a mother like this is that you do your utmost to be the complete opposite with your own children. If you make a mistake, you apologise and you ensure that your children know they are loved. If my children grow up and want to spend time with me and enjoy my company then I know I am the opposite of my own mother and that will give me happiness. For me, to be compared to my mother is the greatest insult someone can give.

I know.

I’m alternating between selfishly feeling so much relief that I can relate to so many of your experiences, that you all know exactly what having an NPD parent is really like, the fact it is so draining trying to explain/justify to others on the outside why you have a fractured/broken relationship with someone who appears so totally charming and perfect and then finding out through this thread just how frighteningly common this disorder is and the lifelong damage that has been done to so many.

Has anyone else forgotten most of their childhood? I obviously remember the bad things, but I don't really remember much else , and what I do is mostly based on pictures and stories, not actual memories. I might get some little flashes but there's years of things I'm missing. Birthdays,holidays,Christmases,just random days , most of my childhood tends to be a blank. I know they happened,I know there were good times. Maybe the bad stuff had more "staying" power. I don't know.

@Porridgeislife - I also analyse myself as a mother all the time and have ridiculously high standards in terms of making sure I am for my DC emotionally and in every way possible (I have a LOT of parenting books 😄). I have been told my others that I put them first too much and never make time to look after myself and that is probably true.

Sometimes I feel guilty and confused though that they love me and like me so much - and they clearly do - as I never felt that way about my DM. She was so cold and I never felt warm or safe around her , but she has thrown that at me at times, shouting “You never liked me”. No, I didn’t and I still don’t really but still feel guilty about that.

I wasn’t so worried about my parenting when I had DS. In my next pregnancy though, when I found out I was pregnant with a girl, as soon as I got back from the scan appointment I cried and cried and cried.

I’d always thought I didn’t want a daughter. I realised I was crying because I was so frightened that I would be like my DM. But the moment my DD was born and I held her, I knew it would be okay and that I would never cause her harm. I also knew I could never be jealous of her.

i can relate, mine all surfaced as soon as I became a mother and I pretty much unravelled. Inter generational trauma runs through our family. I’m determined to be the change but it has involved years of therapy and some tough situations when boundaries have been crossed. I also needed to be honest with myself I was never going to Mary Poppins but if I do say or do something not good (usually getting snappy when exhausted) I make sure I apologise and explain it wasn’t good. There’s a book ‘the book you wish your parents had read’ which is a good manual for what’s ‘good enough’ parenting as none of us are perfect

Not a mother but an employee who I once took out for lunch she in her fifties me in my thirties. It was cringe making. She ogled men younger than me said a one bedroom apartment was perfect for dragging them back to her place. I honestly didn't know what to say. She thought she was gorgeous I thought she should pack in the sun beds. She wondered why her grown kids had moved away and had little contact with her

I was middle aged before my Bros and I joined the dots. My uber Catholic wait till your wedding night mother had shagged her way through a series of married men, doctors, solicitors, authors, high up policeman. Whilst my father thought she was virginal. She of course never slept with the lower classes always aiming for whatever she thought was up and coming. She broke up a forthcoming marriage when the fiancée clocked her. Shagging the doctor weekend when we all thought she was burying her father abroad.

She sniffed about my white wedding dress saying was I entitled to wear one...

@ldontWanna Yes, exactly the same for me.

Years and years, with no recollections at all. I remember bits, flashes etc. but almost nothing for almost all of my childhood. Clearest memories tend to be of the toys I loved.

I can remember very, very early things, up to about 3 years old, but bits only.

It was this realisation that helped me to understand that something bad had happened to me, I remembered a particular thing happening in perfect clarity but only realised as an adult that the point at which the memory ended was not a natural conclusion to what was taking place. Only in adulthood, and with the help of my then CPN/psychiatrist at the time did it begin to make sense.

Whole swathes, years, were completely gone. Childhood photographs are like looking at a strange little girl who looks a bit like me.

I recently visited a family friend in a nursing home, a lovely man who is nearly 101. He was chatting happily about his memories of me as a child. About how I desperately wanted to be a teacher and how I would round up anyone I could, toys, my little brother, etc., and give them very serious "lessons". Lots of other memories. They meant absolutely nothing to me - I could not recall a single thing at all about any of what he was saying.

It's a bit ironic really, as now I have a photographic memory. I can recall conversations and details in perfect clarity. Not a good thing really, as I remember literally everything (it can be awful, although I'm very good in pub quizzes) - I can tell you who we paid and how much it cost to remove a wasps' nest in 1998 but I can't offer any detailed memories from childhood.

Perhaps it's for the best, but it is quite sad. I'm sure there must have been happiness there somewhere. It's very odd.

Sending hugs to all. I hope you have a nice weekend. x

@01Name I could have written that. No memories at all before I was 5, then a couple and not much up until being maybe 13

In a new relationship and my history is really affecting it. I'm desperate not to screw it up and can't afford counselling
He is being "off" which I pick up very easily and my head says it's not to do with me, but I'm so used to someone going silent and trying to placate them. It's really hard not to text and be "what's up, do you still want to see me, are you mad at me..."

Anxious attachment

The trouble is when we block the bad the good goes with it

No, I haven't ever told my friends. It was drummed into us from childhood that we must never tell anyone anything and that nobody could be trusted. That hangs over me to this day and although some of my friends now know I don't much like my mother they don't know why.

Have a look at youtube videos about codependancy.
When we are children we may be parentified.
Making sure our narc parent is OK in an effort to preserve our own safety.
As adults we have a poor sense of self, disfuntional coping mechanisms and poor boundaries.
Our happiness is dependant on the happiness of others- when they are up we are too, if they are down then so are we.
The good news is that it is never too late to change the maladaptive coping mechanisms.
Learn about codependancy, why it happens how it impacts you, there are also great tools, books, podcasts.
We can change our response and live a happier life.

@speakout thanks, I'm going to do some reading around it and maybe look for podcasts too
Thankfully my partner has just been lovely when I've had a "do you still want to be with me?" minute and gone "duhhh. You eejit, of course I do"

@PeloAddict bless you.

I know what you mean re. relationships, I'm the same.

I also used to take the blame for things (even at work) which were nothing to do with me, to avoid "atmosphere" or "tension". It's very hard to get out of these ingrained behaviours and sensations. I would also panic and overthink if I thought something was "off" or if I thought I'd said something that upset someone (actually I still do that, but I'm getting better). I would wind myself into paroxysms of guilt and anguish and self-loathing, only to learn later that XYZ was actually miffed because the bakery had sold out of the pie he liked that lunchtime. Bizarre really, but normal for us.

At least you are catching yourself doing it, that's a good start (seriously) ... Hide the phone, if you need to, if the urge to text is really strong, at least until the itch to type and send pleadings has passed.

Good luck with your relationship. You deserve to be happy. x

Oh yes. That's so familiar. At work my boss won't ask "can I have a word" because I instantly think I'm going to be sacked. He knows to tell me stuff straight away rather than say he will speak to me at the end of the day etc
I crave physical affection too, as neither of my parents ever hugged me or said they loved me. People think I don't like physical affection but it's just I don't know how to "do" it

@PeloAddict Same here. Any time someone wants a quick word or private chat at work, I assume the absolute worst. 360 feedback is my worst nightmare.

I had some career coaching that involved psychometric tests that gave a view on how positively/negatively you viewed yourself. I repeatedly tested at the very lowest threshold for negative self view.

@SeussABC I had the exact same reaction to finding out I was having a baby girl, I knew in my gut that she was but really wanted a boy to avoid repeating the relationship I have with my mother. Fortunately that fear melted away when she was born.

@Nicola101177 I really like that book, it was very helpful in untangling how I react to things. For example, pre kids, I would find needy friends or friends who seemingly couldn’t adult properly incredibly difficult to cope with. It’s a reaction from essentially being left to raise myself & becoming hyper independent, so it’s something for me to keep a check on as my daughter grows.

Yep, I’ve been through 3 courses of counselling and they always ask how my childhood was, but I really don’t remember much except the bad things.

The good thing is, my best friend's mum has become a surrogate mum to me over the years (we met at nursery in 1986 and still mates now). She refers to me as her daughter.

So I'm very lucky. I don't miss my mum at all. I miss the idea of an actual birth mum but not her as it's just aggro, nastiness and bitterness from her.

I've shielded my kids from her at all costs. And with my own parenting, both are treated equally, without fail. We are currently looking at moving and taking on a big project that will be very different to their current lives (and mine and DH too). They've been involved every step, we turned one thing down as my kids voiced their feelings. I like that they know they can be honest.

My DD is gay and my mum would be utterly vile about it as she was homophobic and racist as I grew up. So thank God I got rid

The good thing is, my best friend's mum has become a surrogate mum to me over the years (we met at nursery in 1986 and still mates now). She refers to me as her daughter.

So I'm very lucky. I don't miss my mum at all. I miss the idea of an actual birth mum but not her as it's just aggro, nastiness and bitterness from her.

I've shielded my kids from her at all costs. And with my own parenting, both are treated equally, without fail. We are currently looking at moving and taking on a big project that will be very different to their current lives (and mine and DH too). They've been involved every step, we turned one thing down as my kids voiced their feelings. I like that they know they can be honest.

My DD is gay and my mum would be utterly vile about it as she was homophobic and racist as I grew up. So thank God I got rid

@ahna68 that sounds so awful.
My mother is an unforgiving Catholic and I often felt shamed and ashamed when I hadnt even acted in any kind of risky or casual way. But what you have had to endure sounds a million times worse.