To ask for your quotes from narcissistic mothers

[itsgoodtobehome]

Slightly tongue in cheek. My DM is a total narcissist which I'm mostly used to now, but every now and then she comes out with a new classic which makes even me wince.

So, next weekend, DM has invited me and DSis and our families for lunch to mark a family birthday. 9 of us in total, including kids. DM was telling me the other day what she was planning to serve for lunch. She mentioned a particular thing as a starter, which is quite an acquired taste. I know for a fact that my DDad and DH don't like it, and the 3 kids won't eat it. So basically 5 out of 9 guests don't like this dish. I told her this was a bit of a waste.
Her response: 'but I have planned this menu to look a certain way, and it won't look right if I don't make this dish'

So she is quite prepared to have most of her guests not eat something just so her menu 'looks good'. I give up. Has anyone else got batshit mothers who only think of themselves and nobody else?

@J0y Im sorry your experiences as a child felt the same. Big hugs.

And hugs to everyone on this thread battling trauma. I hope everyone finds love in someone or a passion in something. You all deserve love.

I think those who have been affected by a narcissistic mother can heal through finding self love.
Especially those of us who have become codependant as a result.
Healing the self will permeate into all aspects of our lives.

How I dislike the phrase-
"We are only as happy as our unhappiest child".

Written by a co-depandant is my guess.

I’ve got one.

My DM took me to a psychiatrist apt in my late teens. I had been very depressed and attempted suicide. I wasn’t living at home at the time - had been at university but dropped out due to being unwell - but my DF (who enabled her but very occasionally stuck his neck out and tried to look after me) asked me to stay with them.

Anyway, my DM took me to the appointment that day. As you can imagine, she was dressed nicely and looking quite the part.

Somehow, the appointment ended up being all about her and how hard it was for her to have “a depressed daughter”. The psychiatrist actually said to her “When our children suffer, we suffer”.

How many times do you imagine I heard that quote afterwards? 😂

In the car on the way home she started shouting at me about how I was affecting her, I remember being in tears and just waking he to stop, with her shouting “What about me? What about ME?” and saying she wasn’t going to allow me to “drag her down”. Thank

I really wasn’t doing anything disruptive, I was just sleeping a lot and feeling really low. Not the best place to recover really , which is probably why I got out of there quite quickly and married young (to another narc, but that’s another story !)

Oh, I’ve also just remembered (it’s all coming back now!) that she tried very hard to get me sectioned. She phoned the GP, in front of me, and cried and begged and exaggerated the situation. The GP, thankfully, said no, this wouldn’t be appropriate.

She was very upset about that as she felt she shouldn’t be left with “all this responsibility”.

Have you got away from them?

Mine is. And always doing things for other people, mostly church-related (though woe-betide anyone who disagrees with her religious views. A previous popular and genuinely brilliant vicar was barely tolerated because he was "too jolly". Smiles and laughter are irreligious). So many people come up to me and say "she's so lovely", and variations thereof. I just smile and say nothing. Saying nothing actually says more than words could, I feel. I wouldn't say it bothers me. It does, to an extent, but there's nothing I can do or say that would be useful. It saddens me sometimes.

I have had CBT in the past, arranged through an NHS psychiatrist. Over 10 years ago now, but it was very helpful and has continued to be an invaluable coping strategy. One of the books we used was this one: Overcoming Low Self-Esteem, 1st Edition: A Self-Help Guide Using Cognitive Behavioural Techniques by Melanie Fennell - www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/1854877259/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_search_asin_title?ie=UTF8&psc=1

I bought my own copy and it has really helped me. I don't mean to infer that anyone here has self-esteem issues, just that the book helpfully explains CBT with examples and techniques and is a useful resource on cognitive behavioural techniques, and this was the book I found useful. There are other books in the same series that cover CBT with a slightly different focus - one by Paul Gilbert on the same theme was also helpful to me.

Strength and love to you all. xx

Oh my gosh, I've got loads... but a couple that spring out are around what she looks like as she truly believes she is drop dead gorgeous, irresistible to men and envied by women.

When I had been a single parent for a couple of years (and was very happy being single) "It's about time you got a partner. I don't know why you find it so hard to meet someone. I've never had any problems attracting men. I've never had to flirt or do anything, they just flock to me." (She is an awful flirt - it's just cringe to watch.)

Talking about her lack of female friends (she looks down on everyone so funnily enough she doesn't have a queue of people wanting to spend time with her) "The reason I have so few friends is because I'm so pretty. Women are threatened by me. The only true friend I've ever had was Joan. She was as beautiful as me so we didn't have to compete."

Her confidence knows no bounds...

My mother is very religious too.
On ocassion I meet with her church friends and they always tell me what a sweet woman she is and how lucky I am to be her daughter.
I too say nothing.
I watch as they escort my mother out of church, walking like a frail old woman with a limp, taking her arms for support.

The don't see her stand up tall and put on a fast walk the minute they are out of sight.
My OH sometimes picks up my mothet from church and watches from the car as the church friends heling the sweet old lady. They glare at him, wondering why he doesn't get out to help.
The friends also don't hear the criticism and bad mouthing that my mother gives all her friends behind her back.

I have got away in a sense @CuriousMama , but I still see them sometimes (as I am thinking back over things now, I do wonder why!).

I am just careful, most of the time, not to share anything personal or to expect any kind of support or help from her. Just absolute small talk/politely tuning out while she talks about herself.

It’s shit though as it looks like a I have a normal and caring mother “on paper” and it almost convinces me at times. Then it hurts when I see what she is like again and remember that it will never happen.

My DD recently received an autism diagnosis and it’s been a tough time. DM has been such a dick about it and says the diagnosis is just “other people’s opinions” so she is ignoring it. Or “she is fine when she is with me you know”. She sees DD at most for a couple of hours every 4/6 weeks !

My DH does not like her. He saw through her really quickly. She made one of the comments about the diagnosis to him, and he was so annoyed that he just walked off - then kept saying I should phone her up and challenge her on it. I had to explain to him that there is no point, and that I would only upset myself by trying to do reason with her or to expect her to be supportive, it’s just not possible.

@JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn - Your post just reminded me - when I got married, my DM turned up in a red dress and, at the reception, sat flirting with my new FIL, whilst completely ignoring MIL who was sitting at the same table and my own DF ! My DF is a bit senile now and didn’t really seem to notice, but other people did 😳 Unfortunately she is attractive and knows it, so that just made it worse. I’d blocked that memory out until I saw your post

@SeussABC sorry for jogging a bad memory. The flirting thing is just awful isn't it? I wonder why we get embarrassed for them? I'm working on letting her be embarrassed for her own shit (only she never is). My mom is in her 80s now and still truly believes she's irresistible. And tells everyone how marvellous she is at every opportunity. I hardly ever see her these days. Fortunately she lives a good 3 hours away from me. But when I do see her she still goes on and on about how amazing she is. I don't think she's noticed that most people are just nodding and smiling at her these days.

OMG, yes!!

I'm so sorry I keep jumping in on this thread but all of this could be my mother to a tee! I’d pushed so much to the back of my mind, but reading these posts brings it out to the forefront again.

Religion. Absolutely. Prided herself on being a regular churchgoer - a bit of priest groupie in fact! - but certainly lacked tolerance or charity to those she viewed as socially beneath her.

Appearance. Incredibly vain and needed to be complimented constantly. Would say things like, “I hope I’m not too scruffy to go out” knowing someone would always tell her how wonderful she looked but conversely, was incredibly judgemental of others looks or clothing choices.

Flirty and inappropriate. Used to try to be suggestive with young men - particularly serving staff - that made them visibly cringe and didn’t know where the lines were drawn but would be dismissive and downright rude to female staff. Was always telling me how other ‘friends’ husbands fancied her and it was lucky for the women that she turned the ‘offers’ down.

Illness. Couldn’t cope and became hysterical when my DF and later my DSF were diagnosed with terminal cancer and had both of them put in CHs (at their own expense) rather than allowing them to receive palliative care in their home and yet she lied for most of her life about her non existent heart condition.

Interfering. When I left my first DH, who was also emotionally controlling, she kept him posted at to where I was staying, my ex directory number and what my plans for divorcing him were. I stupidly confided in her thinking she might support me emotionally when I needed help. Her advice was, “He doesn’t beat you, he’s a good provider, what you need is a baby to distract you”

Expected a big fuss to be made and an extravagant birthday present from me but treated it with disdain. “I’ve already got one of those” “When would I use that?” “You know that doesn’t suit me” but perversely always gave me a cheque for £50 on my birthday - made out jointly to me and DH “so he doesn’t get jealous” - and then wanted us to go out for a meal to celebrate, which I always ended up paying for and was inevitably more than £50!

Something you may notice when you start withdrawing (as I did). Other people may not be as fooled as you think.
It took me a couple of years to go really LC (currently NC). We don't have a large close family anyway. I'd always believed it was because 'they' as in the rest of the family were 'horrible'. But now I think its because my parents rub everyone up the wrong way. My DU is a horrible person too. But the rest are all quite normal. But it was only when at 2 family occasions a year a part (funerals) where very extended family were present, I actually got a bit of the real truth on my DF and DM (and DU). Having never had access to the family as my parents are loners.
Really lovely cousins who I'd last seen as a child (parents didn't bother keeping in touch and moved far away) gave me a bit of history unintentionally too...and also asked me why I did certain things with puzzled look. Why didn't they help or do XYZ and so on. 'oh I see they're still the same funny fish'.. Was really so intriguing! The process of therapy has been a very funny unveiling of reality versus perception.
I feel sad I was cut off from a potentially loving extended family and fed a load of shite for so long. But its really too late now. I need to make a new one for my own DC and not repeat the same mistakes.

@SeussABC it's good your DH has your back. I really couldn't be around someone like her. She was an incubator at best.

Mine tried to have me sectioned as a child.

She would go back and forth to the GP with various behaviour issues. In the end the GP referred me to a child psychologist.
I only knew all this as I'm talking it was when I was 2-4 so I had no memory of it because she used to tell me how this psychologist wanted to take me into hospital and found me dangerous. That she had selflessly said no. But that she could contact him when she wanted.

It was a constant fear of mine as a child as a result that this doctor would come and take me away if I did the slightest thing wrong. Even tests I would be so scared about at school in case I failed and got picked up by the men in white coats.

Funnily enough, when I got the NHS app download for the Covid pass we all thought we would need at one point, there was a section for medical records. It was all in there and not once did they threaten to take me in. Quite the opposite as I asked my GP about it and she looked it up. The psychologist said in his view that there was absolutely nothing untoward, other than a mother struggling with a child having terrible twos. He saw me additionally because she threatened a law suit but each time he found nothing wrong with me.

So all those years of panic down to her was rubbish.

My mother brought me to some sort of psychologist for being too needy. After being upset to begin with, I liked the woman and wanted to go back and talk again but my mum said no.

Such a recurring theme for all of us, through the ages and decades different ways of telling us " You're mad "

Another one here who was moved away from family and contact cut. Only the 'middle class' cousins were communications continued.

And the 'flirting'. I remember one of my last holidays with my parents I would have been 14 or 5 and in the hotel bar my mother was wearing a wrap around skirt and every so often would fling the thing open.

I was quite embarrassed but knew better than to say anything, the way she described it to a friend after the holiday was that her skirt occasionally slipped showed some leg.

Another time she had some plastic mistletoe and one of my brother's friends came round who would have been 16 - 18 and she grabbed him, pulled him in to the house and said, "do you know what that is?" before kissing him on the lips.

Who does that? These days she would probably be arrested.

My mother called last night to ask how my son did in his A levels and said she has been wondering and thinking of him all day. I wanted to say call me back in 2 years but said he has sat GCSEs and doesn't get results until next week. She does not know any of her grandchildren despite telling people all about them. She never called him or asked how he was getting on in his studies, never wished him good luck or anything. The only reason she called was so that, if asked, she could answer to people more bothered than her about her grandchildren, how they did. All about what other people think.

@Bretonbear

I'm old so it was O Levels, my mother called the mothers of two relatives who had taken O Levels that year, they she made up her own ranking system to add up the points to see where I ranked.

I think she may, at that point, of said something along the lines of I'd done better than one relative but not as well as the other.

She never mentioned my A Level results, ever.

She also said to me that whatever my son gets it will be ok so assumes he will do badly. She also seems to have forgotten that the pressure she put on me to be perfect with results etc. made me end up with an eating disorder and with my sister attempting suicide. She is the last person I will take advice about exam results from.

This is utterly horrific! I am sorry that you had this hanging over your entire childhood. Your mother is truly evil.

Do you still speak to her? If so, have you confronted her regarding this?

My mother was awful for that. She used to openly chat up men in front of my dad. But if he had a friendly conversation with a lady serving in Tesco she would screech at him all the way home about his behaviour.

As I got older, I had a boyfriend and eventually my dad asked him round when he picked me up from school one afternoon. He had finished work early so surprised me

For a few days I was trying to put my boyfriend off but he came over.

He looked really tense at dinner, and afterwards he dragged me outside to say goodbye. He started getting really cross about how it was out of order to put my foot in his lap at the table and that he was trying to show he was a nice guy whilst I was massaging his downstairs. He said he could barely get up from the table.

I was baffled, and said I hadn't touched him at all. He was insistent until I said I'm sure my bloody boot would've hurt unless you're into that and he said "it was your socked foot actually."

It was my mum. She was doing it. She clearly got off on it and making him uncomfortable. He felt sick when he realised and we broke up not long after as he said my family were "weird".

She commented about how good looking he was, far too good looking for me apparently. I tried to pull her on it and my dad told me to stop it. I don't think he liked the idea of her being so blatant. My boyfriend was 17 so it wasn't illegal but when she was 40 odd it felt and still does ick

The one time my now DH met her- he tried to instigate us talking after years as he is very close to his family, she tried it on with him too.
He actually apologised to me and we swerved them after that

Does anyone spend an enormous amount of time analysing their reactions to their own children?

I have a 6 week old and it utterly terrifies me if my feelings towards her are anything but absolute delight, particularity as we had a tough time conceiving.

Given she screams from 5-9 each night (otherwise a good sleeper) this unadulterated joy is getting tested a bit! But my parents actually sent me to my grandmother for 3 weeks at the same age & started the process to adopt me out and I can’t understand how you could even consider this.

(don’t worry, I’ve had lots of therapy)