OMG, so many of these, I've been writing things down as I read everyone's posts:
She always has to be better than me at everything - languages, fitness, art, you name it.
She brings her blood test results to family gatherings to show how "wonderful" they are. At the same time she "struggles" to manage the step into her own house and demands that people help her put her shoes on - I just walk away when she does this.
She is too young to be called "granny"
She always tries to befriend my friends.
She has zero close friends, but what I call her "fan club" of people who don't really know her at all, but always tell me how kind she is... She is always slagging these people off.
She is always telling everyone how useless my dad is, criticizing him constantly, treating him like an idiot.
It was always me "choosing to be upset/hurt" by something she had said, when actually she was being vile.
I always had horrible clothes and the, now notorious, horrible short hair. Incidentally, is this something that schools would consider as a flag? I doubt it but, seeing how frequent it is, maybe they should.
She didn't react at all when I told her I was getting married. She "forgot" to come to the wedding dress shop with me and my friend - who was horrified, but has MH experience so knew exactly what was happening.
Said I absolutely had to go shopping with her so she could pick a dress for my wedding. She then didn't wear it. She wore it for her birthday instead.
Always making me cry then telling me how ugly it made me.
When confronted, she denies saying/doing whatever it was.
Loves gory details/car crashes/others suffering. Takes great pleasure in announcing these things to the world. She is full of spite.
My sister's seizures were "attention seeking".
She wouldn't let me have my tonsils removed as it was inconvenient
She made my sister go to the doctor and report my unreasonable behavior, when all I had actually done was stand up to another of my mother's attacks.
Would often say I was "obviously mentally ill".
Has never told me she loves me. She has actually screamed "but I love you" at me and my sister during a huge family row about 20 years ago, when we threatened to cut her off altogether. Forgive me if I consider that doesn't count. She would also say "I have to love you, doesn't mean I like you", but again, I consider that doesn't count.
She is always, the victim, no-one cares about her, no-one calls her, she is never on any photos, so she says. She goes on about all the things she had to give up and when we were children would always tell us she would get her revenge later.
When I split up with a creepy guy I had been seeing briefly, she said "well I really like him" and continued contact with him and his family for years. She also tried to set him up with another family member.
She hates that I am close to my aunt, who is warm and loving and would die to defend her children. They are total opposites.
I could go on forever, it appears...
I will not be having kids. I'm still a wreck emotionally, and I'm 50 soon. I cannot process emotions in a normal way. I cry at everything that is in the slightest bit sad or sentimental. I avoid conflict at all costs. Loud noises or raised voices make me extremely anxious.
People with "normal" families, generally don't understand this kind of dynamic at all, as it's so far from their own experience. They find it bewildering. I had one close uni friend who "got it", I now have one friend who gets it because of her job and, fortunately for me, DH is brilliant. In fact, my mother has been much better behaved since he came on the scene. I think she knows he would, metaphorically, tear her to shreds if she attacked me in front of him.
As others have said, I thought my childhood was normal. It wasn't until I got away from it that I started to realize how unusual it was. It is a journey that takes years and years. I am now at the stage where I am angry that my dad never stood up to her, never defended us, never divorced her although we begged him to. I am also angry that no-one ever reported her to social services. She was good at hiding things but people must have known.
I am now low-contact with my mother, I tell her very little about myself and keep all conversations very general. It works pretty well. My sister, who was the golden child until I left home, now lives many many hours away and rarely visits.
This thread has been horrifying, sad and cathartic at once. I'm so sorry for all of you who went though these things. As others have said, you should all be proud of the way you've come through it.