To ask for your quotes from narcissistic mothers

[itsgoodtobehome]

Slightly tongue in cheek. My DM is a total narcissist which I'm mostly used to now, but every now and then she comes out with a new classic which makes even me wince.

So, next weekend, DM has invited me and DSis and our families for lunch to mark a family birthday. 9 of us in total, including kids. DM was telling me the other day what she was planning to serve for lunch. She mentioned a particular thing as a starter, which is quite an acquired taste. I know for a fact that my DDad and DH don't like it, and the 3 kids won't eat it. So basically 5 out of 9 guests don't like this dish. I told her this was a bit of a waste.
Her response: 'but I have planned this menu to look a certain way, and it won't look right if I don't make this dish'

So she is quite prepared to have most of her guests not eat something just so her menu 'looks good'. I give up. Has anyone else got batshit mothers who only think of themselves and nobody else?

This is a bit of a theme. I think it’s about the jealousy/competition….Mine did this too. I have been married twice. Both wedding days I waited for her to say I looked beautiful but she said nothing. First wedding she was ‘helping’ me to get ready as I thought I should include her and she deliberately stabbed me hard in the head with the comb of the veil when I asked her to put it on. then said ‘ooops sorreeee’ in a fake baby voice. I can’t imagine what kind of wicked jealousy she must have been experiencing in that moment. Second wedding I got ready on my own, she arrived, at the house (again invited against my better judgement but what I thought I ‘should do’) she said nothing about my dress, asked what I thought of her outfit, then asked for pictures to be taken of her with her grand daughters. Not me. Luckily ive been able to ease her almost out of my life but can’t go NC as there are grandchildren involved.

It was @wellstopdoingitthen who replied re school awareness but I would certainly echo her words; you definitely deserve all the happiness in the world and well done breaking the cycle and raising truly loved, well balanced children. These are the absolute best achievements and something our mothers will/would never have experienced . How sad that by their very behaviour they missed out on all the positive, happy and wonderful things good family relationships bring.

I think we are all aware as adults that we can never ‘cure’ a narc. They need to recognise it in themselves first and by the very nature of the of the affliction, most won’t. I wish I had gone NC well before my mother died as, although it’s slowly getting better, I still have high anxiety.

May I also ask if others feel the same as me? Bizarrely, I never thought I was an abused child at the time, despite regular bruising from physical assaults and cruel mind games (that she called fun teasing) but in hindsight, it was horrific and she should have been held to account. I sort of assumed that’s how a parent behaved. It was always dressed up as, “I’m strict because I care about you” “Spare the rod, spoil the child” “The iron fist in the velvet glove”

Honestly? No idea.

I've not spoken to her in over 20 years now. My DCs have never met her, have no interest at all and we moved away from the town many years back now so I don't see her.

When I had our first, I saw her in our local high street and she started shouting at me that I shouldn't have children and I will have them taken away. Literally a month after we left the town which was sad in ways as my mates were there and I grew up there but it wasn't worth the aggro. She did call SS but when I explained they wrote a note on file that basically she was to be ignored

The haircut stories have been eye opening…

I can think of 3 occasions when I had my hair hacked, including a fringe which was so awful I was ordered to tell everyone I had done it myself.
And one time at a wedding when I had a chunk of my hair cut out and was told it was because I had managed to get chewing gum stuck in it. But I was about 6 and there was no way I would have had chewing gum?

I always put the home haircuts down to us being so skint but it seems there was more to it

I also remember a school photo where I have a really really puffy face from a severe allergic reaction (Like Will Smith in Hitch!)
I had a few known allergies as a child, I’m now wondering if I had been deliberately ‘spiked’ with something the night before to ruin the pictures

Wedding days seem to recurrent theme here.
My wedding was awful controlled by my mother from start to finish , luckily I married a stong man who has mostly tolerated and sometimes stood up to my self centred highly critical and controlling mother.
My boys are grown now but she was always whispering negative comments about me into their ears as they grew up , my clothes , my house my looks

Yes the toxic whispers to my third child was what gave me the courage to go NC evil woman

@JohnPrescottsPyjamas - yes, I agree with you. I thought it was totally normal and the same as life was for other children. I'm in my 40s now and I'd say that it's only been in the last 5 to 10 years that I've realised the extent of how "not normal" it was. It's a strange feeling; the realisation that it wasn't normal and not your fault, with the sense of relief that that brings, alongside the wondering of why, the sorrow at the denial of the happy childhood that others' had and sense of the loss of what could have been. But I certainly assumed that that was what life was like for everyone, and somewhat taken aback when I learned that wasn't the case.

I don't feel much anger any more though. I'm angry at what happened to me; it's left me unable to have children or pursue a healthy adult relationship and my attempts to deal with it with professional counselling ended with the counsellor silenced and quietly distressed with M's views on and utter dismissal of me, despite his best efforts. That actually ended up being helpful, in its own way. It was a very powerful and impartial validation that perhaps I wasn't the one at fault after all.

Rather than being angry, I'm just very sad for the little girl of 7 that I was. I'm now independent, successful at work and people seem to like me and what I do. I am happy with that. But one word or gesture from that quarter and I am instantly that lonely, confused and cowering 7 year old again, scrabbling desperately for a crumb of affection or praise that I know will not be forthcoming. I hate myself for that. But I know I can't change the past or change my M. All I CAN change is how I react to it, so I try to do my best with that.

My head is full of witty retorts that I'd love to be able to say. When criticised on weight, I know I should just say "Well, there's one simple way I can easily shed 10 stones of unsightly weight, mother...! Hahaha!" But it's easier to keep silent, so in my head it stays.

I have really appreciated your words and your kindness on this thread @JohnPrescottsPyjamas, also @KettrickenSmiled's, @mbosnz's, @KitBumbleB's and others. Although deeply saddened to learn of your and others' experiences, it has been very helpful to know that we weren't alone, and that we are survivors (and strong ones at that). @itsgoodtobehome , thank you for starting this thread. I suspect that it might have developed in ways you might not have anticipated, but thank you for giving us a voice.

I believe that The Stately Homes series of threads on MN (latest one here: www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4531618-April-2022-well-we-took-you-to-Stately-Homes) is similarly very helpful for those of us with these issues. I've read them, but not posted there myself; there was just something about this thread that inspired me to NC and share. Apologies if I have over-shared in any way.

Every good wish to you all. x

Told me off for having the audacity to be upset on Christmas Day 3 months after my dad committed suicide (they had divorced 15 years before), “well it’s not my fault your dad killed himself so don’t ruin my Christmas”.

The presumption of normalcy. I thought it was normal to be beaten with a wooden spoon, mother or a belt father, to have weals that hurt like hell under my school uniform, to sit very carefully because of the pain. I thought all parents did this. My parents were middle class went to mayoral and police balls.

My brother's were beaten too. We thought all kids were although never discussed because it was a private shame that we were bad.

My mother would report our transgressions to father who would then beat us for her.

I don't know if teachers clocked it but some weals were on our legs so in the summer with ankle socks, shorts and summer dresses our arms and legs would be marked

@JohnPrescottsPyjamas yes I always thought it was normal growing up.
I was my mothers main carer for her terribly controlled diabetes throughout my teenage years.

It wasn’t until I started working and talking to others I started to notice things, but the real difference was when I met my husband and he introduced me to his family. SUCH a different dynamic and his mum showed me what a real mother is like. I love her to bits, we have an amazing relationship and I thank them for where I am now. I think they saved me?

My husband had always tolerated my mother but was my biggest supporter when I decided to go NC.

And that's why I'm never having kids

Being aware of this experience means you are already on the road to healing.
I imagine most posters on this thread parent their own children in a different way to how they themselves were parented.
If we are aware we can break the cycle.

Indeed. I have not (too old, now) and nor has my sister (too old now, too). My mother was desperate for grandchildren at one point (threatened to disinherit me if I did not produce some) but I was a) terrified of turning into her and b) terrified of not being able to protect them from her.

I would spend days trying to please her, to find out what I had done wrong (nothing) so she would speak to me. I panic now if anyone goes silent on me about what I've done wrong

Gosh - I can so relate to this. If DH is quiet, I get really anxious and panicky and ask what's wrong (usually nothing), but it makes me feel terrible because that's what my DM used to do. I'm really trying to learn not to take silence as a bad thing......

Oh God, I’ve remembered another one.

’I’m so upset that your house sale is so slow. I can’t sleep at night. Tell your solicitor I’m going to commit suicide about it. I’ll do it after I come back from the cruise, as I don’t want to spoil your father’s holiday,’

Another one who was never allowed long hair. I was desperate for long hair and have only ever had long hair as an adult.

You're so not alone, it took me years and years to realise how fucked up my childhood was. I thought it was normal to be stuck in a war with a woman for which you didn't understand why or what had caused it, much less how to end it.

At 21 even, I felt like maybe I had done something. That she loved my sister so I was very withdrawn around people unlike my now DH who is very outgoing. A very good friend who has since passed away said, 'well actually, you were a kid so why is it your fault? She's the adult, she had no right to treat you like that. It's get problem. Not yours. And you need to move on and sto letting her inhabit your mind because she's not worth it and she's still hurting you even though you don't see her."

It was like I'd woken up. It wasn't normal. It my fault.

It was about 5 years on I found out that me and my sister had different dad's and that my mum didn't love my dad and never had. I've no idea of she had other affairs.

The only thing I would say is she had no contact with her own family until I was 15 as she said her mother used to treat her badly and her younger sister like a princess. Which is why it makes it mind boggling that she repeated the exact same behaviour with my sister and I.

I cannot tell you how reassuring this thread is.

I'm glad I started this thread now. Even though it was a bit tongue in cheek, it has really highlighted what goes on when you have a narcissistic mother.

I remembered another time when I was in hospital having had a miscarriage at 11 weeks. My parents came to visit, and the Nurse was re-assuring me that it was quite common, and many people had miscarriages in the first trimester. DM then piped up - 'well I never had one'.........

actually the hair thing happened to me too. She took me and my twin to get haircuts just before we were to be bridesmaids for a cousins wedding. We both had really long hair and came out with short boys cuts. She said it had clearly been a mistake by the hairdresser but she was sat there the whole time so should have realised it was going on.
I am pretty sure she told the hairdresser to cut it like that on purpose probably to ruin the wedding photos and to upset us. It backfired a bit because I had wanted short hair for years but my twin was devastated

I remember wetting the bed a lot and the feeling of guilt about 'all the work she would have to do washing and drying the bed clothes' so rather than have her have a go at me for something which I couldn't help, I wouldn't tell her and I would just make my bed in the morning and pull the covers over the wet sheets and then at night I'd get into bed with dry urine stained sheets hoping and praying she wouldn't smell them and I'd get away with it for another night.

My white school socks getting dirty, I was allowed to change them once a week, constantly on at me about how thoughtless and selfish I was to get them dirty and how she had to "scrub her fingers to the bone", boiling and hand washing them. I wasn't popular when I asked her why she didn't just put them in the machine with some Daz like xxxx's Mum, I wasn't being snarky I thought I was being helpful! No child can keep their socks bright white!

I wonder if martyrdom sometimes goes hand in hand with narcissism

Interesting @wheresmyshoe ... it certainly fits with the indicators of covert narcissism.

Oh god yeah.

Nothing was ever her fault, the fact she married young when everyone told her not to, the fact she had a baby straight after (me) the fact she had no career, she hated the house, the area, our car, our lack of money.

You name it, it effected her the most and the worst. You'd think no one had ever suffered as hard as she had.

Truth was she could've not got married at 18, not had a baby at 19, not had an affair, not bunked off school so she universally failed her exams. She could've got a job. She could've made friends like everyone else's mum. But no.

It didn't help my dad was literally too scared to speak up. When I did, just before I left, I got a slap round my face so hard she knocked me over. On reflection I wish I'd have gone to the police but she even blamed me, saying she "hated her mum" but would never have spoken so disrespectfully to her.

It's funny, but when I went to find out about her side, they told me some quite different sides to it. How nothing was ever good enough, she was vocally jealous of her sister, and that she had been the cause of all of the breakdown of their family dynamic. I half believe it but also think her mum was a narc too.