To ask for your quotes from narcissistic mothers

[itsgoodtobehome]

Slightly tongue in cheek. My DM is a total narcissist which I'm mostly used to now, but every now and then she comes out with a new classic which makes even me wince.

So, next weekend, DM has invited me and DSis and our families for lunch to mark a family birthday. 9 of us in total, including kids. DM was telling me the other day what she was planning to serve for lunch. She mentioned a particular thing as a starter, which is quite an acquired taste. I know for a fact that my DDad and DH don't like it, and the 3 kids won't eat it. So basically 5 out of 9 guests don't like this dish. I told her this was a bit of a waste.
Her response: 'but I have planned this menu to look a certain way, and it won't look right if I don't make this dish'

So she is quite prepared to have most of her guests not eat something just so her menu 'looks good'. I give up. Has anyone else got batshit mothers who only think of themselves and nobody else?

Throughout my childhood she bemoaned my straight hair and made me sleep in rollers that dig into my head.

It wasn't until I left home that I realised that my hair is actually wavy!

I have no idea what that was about.

Thank you OP for starting this thread. I feel much less alone now.

Thanks for telling me that! Very useful info for all that there are therapies and help available , and I wish you well on your journey X

Thankyou for starting this post✊ ,

I have had two years of therapy, recovering from life long depression , co-dependent and chronic people pleaser

Mother who was jealous of me , she has no empathy and entirely self -centered
Horrid to me all my life in very subtle and not so subtle ways

It took a long time to see it

Ooooh 😔 I'm so sorry, what an awful thing to do x

At my wedding leaned over a male guest and announced to me across the crowded table so everyone could hear that this is the kind of man she wished I had married , instead of my newlywed to husband

Didn’t speak to me for 5 months when I was in my 20’s because my boyfriend had the wrong skin colour.

Surrounds herself with lovely people who will pander to her but cuts them out of her life without mercy if they criticise her, even if it’s the most minute thing.

Always complained to me and anyone else that would listen that I had small breasts and fat legs as a teenager. When I was breastfeeding and wearing a strapless dress she said ‘I suppose you may as well enjoy having boobs while you’ve got them’.

Never said ‘I love you’ or anything remotely positive to me, ever.

Turned my wedding in to all about her; what she was going to wear, inviting her friends, even somehow managing to get my makeup artist to do her and her friend’s hair and makeup so that she nearly ran out of time to do mine.

When she saw my wedding dress, said ‘is that what you’re wearing’ and when I turned up downstairs all done up with dress on she turned her back to me and a few minutes later complained about having to take my 1-year-old in her car for the 20-min journey to church so that I could arrive in peace, and once everyone was sat down.

Used to tell me so many inappropriate details about her relationship with my dad, they are still married but nearly separated many times. Each time she’d tell me how awful ‘he really is’ but of course I wouldn’t believe her because I’m ‘daddy’s girl’ (I wonder why).

Told me as a teenager about how men were really interested in her and one in particular had come on to her while she was out dancing with her sister.

Would frequently tell us that she was her father’s favourite child (he died when she was young).

Loves to gossip and especially about other peoples misfortune or scandals.

Sadly, it turned out I married a covert narc and I know that once I tell her that we are about to separate, she will take his side and give me all sorts of grief. She’ll make it my fault even though I’ve put up with the most appalling treatment.

The silence was probably the worst. Get up and say morning (as a teenager), get looked at and then nothing. I would spend days trying to please her, to find out what I had done wrong (nothing) so she would speak to me. I panic now if anyone goes silent on me about what I've done wrong

Or when I broke my ankle and foot and was in plaster. Came home from hospital on those giant underarm crutches, not weight bearing. She made me make her a cup of tea, and when I said I couldn't carry it, told me to figure out how, and I ended up crawling along the floor trying to carry this cup of tea with my broken ankle

I look back now and think WTF

@Mumof3confused oh so similar! It always baffled me how many just disappeared out of our lives and it was never my mums fault… now I know it is and she was cutting them out because they were asking questions about her fantasy life.

I always panic that I married a narc as apparently it’s really common to seek it out in partners but I think we’re ok 🤞🏼 12 years in so far! My mother would be the same, (if we were still in contact) I would get blamed for it all. She used to make comments like “if you aren’t nicer to him he will leave you like your arsehole father left me” 🙄

@PeloAddict oh the silent treatment and constant grovelling 😩

sorry I keep replying to everyone, this thread is helping me SO MUCH! Thank you for starting it @itsgoodtobehome x

Yes, the silent treatment and the staring....
Mine used to walk into my room (never knocked) and would try and catch me in a state of undress so she could mock me.

Sometimes she would just look at me and tut.
It was like my very existence bothered her because I am not a perfect mirror image of her.

She really admires women who restrict their food and would love to boast about how little she and the aunties eat.
Meanwhile, I have the waitress at the buffet restaurant asking me if I'm sure I can eat everything on my plate 😅 yes love, and another plate....

And yes to the inappropriate oversharing and using me as an emotional crutch.

I alway try to have my DD "catch" me looking at her in love, smiling at her, telling her bow cool she looks in her outfit, that I love the outfit she chose, that she is so creative. I want her to know how much she is loved, just the way she is.

So many of your posts ring bells for me especially the poster who spoke about hair cuts - I had never even registered that one! Both of my parents are narcissists and I could fill a thread with their behaviour. As a child I never felt loved or special and used to fantasise about living in a family like those on the tv.
My dad made my school life when I was young all about him and would do my homework projects for me including writing a mortifying speech I had to read out about 70’s music which I knew nothing about really. At my wedding he gave a bizarre speech that managed to never mention me or my husband!
My mum is far worse than my dad though and will fly into rages without warning which terrified me as a child and meant I spent my whole life walking on eggshells. When I was the victim of attempted rape as a teenager she told me that obviously I must have been drunk and made it up (not sure how I bruised my own throat). She ruined my wedding including changing my bouquet order without telling me so I ended up with a small bridesmaids posy instead of my beautiful rambling bouquet. She told me when I was first married if I ever got pregnant it would be child abuse and that she would report me (no idea why). Her favourite method now I am an adult is to try and control my house by rearranging furniture etc she will try and gain compliance by belittling me commenting on my appearance and the state of my home. I try and avoid being alone with her when she does come over as that will be when she sinks the knife in further. Last time she came over she helped by making a list of everything that she says is wrong with my home.
Their is a fabulous book by Karyl McBride called Will I ever be good enough - healing the daughters of narcissistic mothers that has helped me massively. I am not brave enough to go NC as she would use that as. Way of isolating me from my brother (she has already excluded me from the wider family) however I find treating her as an annoying friend rather than desperately wanting her to love me helps.

Years of not being acknowledged when I spoke.

Telling me intimate details of her sex life with my stepfather and then accusing me of sleeping with him when I didn't want to talk about it.

When I asked to stay one night when I was 19 I was told 'you made your bed, you lie in it'

Telling me all about her dress purchase anytime I said I was going to look for a wedding dress

Can totally relate to friends saying 'but they're your parents, she's your mother, you will miss her when she's gone' - some people just cannot accept that not everyone feels love for their own mother. I have spent my whole life feeling abnormal because on the very rare occasions when I hug my mother I feel absolutely nothing at all. No warmth, no love, nothing.

I spoke to my sister yesterday about this thread and said she should read it as very comforting to those in the same boat.

She was telling me about various things our mother has said and after my sister attempted suicide my mother said oh well we have all tried that. My mother also ruined her wedding by making it all about her, refusing to wear the flower button hole as it didn't match her outfit and instead made one of her own, demanding that she received her flowers before the grooms mother, telling my sister when shopping for a wedding dress that she would look so much better and could be so pretty if she lost weight.

Our mother brought us up quite strict and we were never allowed to go out or spread our wings, everything was wrong or dirty and sex was something very dirty. We couldn't use tampons as she said it would be losing our virginity. We basically knew nothing about sex. She also implied it was a chore and something really that women have to do for men to enjoy. She was so outdated. She is an embarrassment to feminism.

@JohnPrescottsPyjamas My
mum did the hair thing too. Grabbed the front part right in the middle and hacked it off in short, jagged chunks while calling me ugly, stupid, fat, brain-damaged, etc. It was the night before my first primary school photos. On the way to school in the morning she told me how there was no point telling anyone that she had cut it because no one would ever believe me. She dragged me late into the classroom, wailing and moaning with a “Look what she’s done to me now - right before the school photos! I can’t believe anyone would be so selfish!” story told to the teacher’s face.
And again when she shaved off my eyebrows just before my 12th birthday party.
And similar with every broken bone she gave me.

When I finally sought help, these (and other) acts of violence and humiliation were blamed on brain damage from being born premature. I’d always been manipulative, etc. Luckily, my younger brother (now in and out of MH to avoid prosecution for violence against the women in his life) was a perfect Angel.

I had lovely long thick hair and my mother took me to a hairdresser and got it all cut off to pixie short. I was 13 and very self conscious. Went to school the next day and was laughed at for weeks. At no point did she ask me if I wanted short hair. I cannot imagine doing that to a 13 year old.

Yep, also had the short ‘boy’ haircut because apparently my hair would grow back thicker afterwards. I looked absolutely awful. She never asked if I wanted to have my hair cut short.

Same, it would "thicken it up", no it didn't and sending your daughter to start secondary school with a kitchen scissors pageboy haircut is horrible.

Yep given a really short haircut the night before starting high school. We should get together to write a guide to identify these abusers.

I'd never really connected the narc parent leading to narc partner but that happened with me.

I left home as soon as I was able, to the point I slept rough at 16 just after putting the last fullstop on my GCSE exams. I met a guy who started out lovely and over time just treated me like shit. I was fat, I was lazy, I wasn't pretty like his last girlfriend. He was bloody violent as well.

Another thing I recall from my mum though, I would get invited to birthday parties when I was at primary. She would build me up for ages between getting the invite and the day of the party.

I would be told I had to behave enough to go as it meant her buying a gift out of her house keeping.

Every sodding time she would wait until the day of the party to do what she termed a "behaviour discussion" then she would go through what minor incident meant I couldn't go. And I'm not talking being bad, I'm talking stupid stuff like my shoes were not placed next to each other in a row. I didn't bring her cup out to the kitchen (I wouldn't even be aware she was finished with it).
The worst one was when we had been to the dentist and he said to both me and my sister about how important it was to brush our teeth. She decided that I had "embarrassed her" and was "dirty". He literally just said what all dentists say to everyone!

Even as I got older, my best friend, who is still my mate now and her mum regards me as a daughter we are that close, got us tickets to go and see a band when we were 14, with adult supervision. They were paying for it all, she literally had to do nothing at all.

She waited until the evening before and said because I got 49 out of 50 on a test, I couldn't go as I needed to study harder. So even though I got an A, and my teacher was pleased with me. Even though she rang them up and she said I got the highest mark and it was a great mark. That 1 point off made no difference. That was the behaviour discussion black mark and meant not only could I not go, but my mate and her mum lost money for the ticket, the train ticket she bought and my mate went with just her mum rather than with me.

Even though she did it every time I still used to believe that this time I would be OK to go. My dad was too scared of her to intervene.

In fact the only time I went to a party was when I was 12. She was unwell at the time, she used to suffer with sinus issues that left her in bed for a week. So my dad said of course I could go. He even bought me an outfit to wear and I was so happy I hoped she stayed in bed permanently. Of course when she found out she went crackers at us both.

The gig one though was the moment I knew that I literally had no chance with her, that she would just wait for any excuse to be vile. Even though during primary it meant that I became the weird kid who couldn't go to parties or to people's homes for tea or have people to mine, she didn't care.

My sister meanwhile went to everything, she had parties and sleep overs. At 14 she went to London with 3 friends to a gig on the train! Apparently this was put down to her being more "streetwise and smart" than me.

Oh my heart was aching reading this. I hope you are having a good life now, you certainly deserve it.

I work in a school & there is much more awareness of these types of parents. The trouble is they are very good at charming the adults & making out the child has invented it.

What a sadistic evil scumbag. Where is she now?

I’m now getting worried I’M a narc now because I keep posting all about my experiences, but I’ve read every single one and can relate to virtually everything in everyone’s posts.

With hindsight, I believe my mother really wanted or needed a human doll rather than a child. One that would entertain her for as long as she was interested but could be tossed to one side when she was bored. That she could dress (and cut hair!) how she wished. That wouldn’t answer back, had no opinions and sit quietly and unquestioningly in a corner until she was interested again. A doll that wouldn’t be any perceived competition and ideally with a button to periodically press to tell her how wonderful she was.

My mother loved babies. She was obsessed with my DD and DS when they were very tiny, but as soon as they developed personalities and became individuals, she couldn’t relate to them or cope at all. I do wonder if it was also a generational thing? She should never have had children at all - but would call other women selfish who didn’t, for whatever reason - but there was an expectation that it was a woman’s duty and she had somehow ‘failed’ if she didn’t fulfil the role.

Oh mine does this too. Every activity I do, she wants in on, every friend I have, she wants to befriend too, I accidentally bought the same boots as her once and she said it was such a compliment to her that we liked the same things. Every time she does things like this it makes me want to vomit. Fuck off Mum.

@JohnPrescottsPyjamas - Thank you… I am happily married and have three amazing teens who fill me with pride. I would genuinely like them even if I wasn’t their mum. (Adore every cell in their bodies.) I hope you are happy too.
I had a rather extended breakdown when my mum died. I had been nursing her for seven years (and she did not remotely mellow) and my Dad for the five years prior to that. (*Will be honest, it coincided with menopause hitting and it took a while to work that out too.) I didn’t remotely miss her, but mourned the loss of the parents I DIDN’T have. I know my kids have an entirely different world open to them as a result of their environment and that I have broken that cycle of abuse.
It’s awful when kids are subject to abuse but you are quite correct that schools are so much better at weeding these issues out too. I’m so pleased that someone like you has a gig like that. I’m so proud of you!!!

Thank you at the age of 51 I finally stood up
to
her and pointed out one of her rude comments she is no longer speaking to me I feel quite relieved

On my wedding day, opening the door to my mother and she said nothing except ‘do I look ok?’