To ask for your quotes from narcissistic mothers

[itsgoodtobehome]

Slightly tongue in cheek. My DM is a total narcissist which I'm mostly used to now, but every now and then she comes out with a new classic which makes even me wince.

So, next weekend, DM has invited me and DSis and our families for lunch to mark a family birthday. 9 of us in total, including kids. DM was telling me the other day what she was planning to serve for lunch. She mentioned a particular thing as a starter, which is quite an acquired taste. I know for a fact that my DDad and DH don't like it, and the 3 kids won't eat it. So basically 5 out of 9 guests don't like this dish. I told her this was a bit of a waste.
Her response: 'but I have planned this menu to look a certain way, and it won't look right if I don't make this dish'

So she is quite prepared to have most of her guests not eat something just so her menu 'looks good'. I give up. Has anyone else got batshit mothers who only think of themselves and nobody else?

I’m so sorry this happened to you - I would imagine you’ve had to work very hard to overcome the trauma and get on with your life. I suppose what happened to you couldn’t fail to have affected close family, but it’s not your concern and not something that should be voiced in my opinion. I wish you well.

“Have you asked Mr JohnPrescottsPyjamas whether he agrees/approves/is happy about XYZ?”

“You shouldn’t expect a man to help around the house. He has been working hard all week and should be able to relax”

“You look very brown after your holiday. I always think a tan on a woman is so ageing”

That’s a nice top you’re wearing. You bought it from Next? Goodness, I thought they only did clothes for slim people!” (I was a size 12!)

Whenever she came to stay:
”Oh, I never eat chicken/beef/fish/rice/chocolate sponge/pasta etc etc” Obviously depending on what I served and despite then going to a restaurant the previous/following day and eating chicken/beef/fish/chocolate sponge/pasta etc!

When I was a self conscious teenager:

”I have no idea why you are so spotty. you certainly didn’t get that from me. I never had spots/greasy hair”

When I won a junior tennis competition:
”No woman should be all brawn and no brain. Men find that most unattractive”

When I got a promotion at work and stupidly thought she would be happy for me:
”Women that are ambitious in the workplace are either lesbians/man haters/not feminine”!!
”I would never promote a woman over a man because women are either always off sick with their ‘curse’ (God, I hate that phrase!) or they get pregnant”

When my DD went to university:

”That’s nice. Hopefully when she’s there, she’ll meet a nice trainee doctor to marry”

”Higher education is rather wasted on women, after all, all they will do is leave and have children”

When l was a teenager with cystic acne. "Well, you don't take after me. I've never had a spot in my life."

And commenting on a neighbour "Well, if she's got a man, there's hope for you."

Same.

When I was happily married and pregnant for first time: "it's not too late, you know. This will ruin your life".

Xmas day, six years later after discovering multiple affairs and throwing EH out, me and EH agreed he could come and see DCs in morning. It crossed over with DM being there, On seeing him for the first time since he ruined my life:
"Darling!!! Soooo nice to see you!!!! (to me) invite him for lunch! He must stay".

A lot of realisation comes from just growing up and being able to think of things from an adult point of view too. I was born with a fairly severe disability and was in and out of hospital until my late teens. I was left in no doubt that my being an only child was down to my disability, as she’d always wanted a big family but had been advised against having more children. I accepted it as a child but as an adult I realise that although that’s how she felt, it should never have been voiced to me. Every time I went in for more surgery, it would eventually be all about how it affected her - I was aware of this first hand, but later found out from family and friends of family that they had the same impression. I had low self esteem in my early life, but as the years pass I think you revisit and re-examine, and you realise that no matter how much you love them - and I do, despite these things - parents can do so much damage without even realising it.

Wow - never knew women could be misogynistic !!

@YellowPlumbob
Can you recommend anything I can read, please? Ty

Narcissists definitely project a completely different persona to those outside.

Everyone seemed to ‘love’ my mother. I was always being told what a happy, charming, entertaining, witty character she was and how lucky I was to have her as a parent. How she could make anyone relax and was the life and soul of the party.

I heard this so often, that for years I thought that maybe I was the one who had the issues. I was the one who experienced her sulks, her tantrums, her accusations of her disappointment in me and ironically had to listen to her behind the scenes judgemental bitching and derision about those that worshipped her!

She could be like two distinct characters with me too - is this an NPD trait?

She would veer between a stifling, cloying, overbearing needy adoration of me - telling me how I was her whole world and she couldn’t live without me - to being cold, critical and indifferent.

Sorry. Off loading a bit here.

Moaned constantly about being the main childcare yet got unreasonably offended when I told her I was getting quotes for childcare so I didn't have to burden her with it. Then moaned when I said she could still do it.

Got a job with term time hours so she would only have them a few hours after school and not in the holidays. She moaned that she couldn't go on holiday whenever she wanted (coming from the woman who has always gone on holiday in July every year since the 90s) proceeds to talk about holiday deals she's seen during term time every time I see her. "Mr Pepsi Max can take time off so I can go away" Yes mum what about our holidays 🙃.

Proceeds to remind me every so often how when she came to visit my second in hospital I didn't let her hold him. No I set boundaries for everyone that I learnt during my first when my child was passed around like a doll. Said I was being selfish and precious cause I didn't want people (but her specifically 🙃) constantly picking him up.

Asks me every time she sees me - how's your weight loss going? Are you going back to slimming world etc.

Moans if I visit her and stay more than 10 mins. Moans if I don't visit her all week.

There's so much more

She certainly was. She always told me she ‘despised’ men because of their ‘weakness’ but paradoxically constantly needed male attention to give her some sort validity. There’s a lot of background, but she came from a very traditional Irish background where her father was clearly the boss and I’ve often suspected there had been some sort of emotional abuse. He was a drunken alcoholic who regularly beat my GM but my mother seemed to adore him - almost like a Stockholm Syndrome situation.

When I became pregnant with my second son I phoned to announce the news. The only sentence she uttered was "Well you may as well kill yourself while you're at it". I had HG with my first pregnancy . She also had it with all 3 of her pregnancies. It was fatal in Victorian times. It ceased to be fatal long before she had me and my brothers.

I got married when I had just turned 21, came home from a week's honeymoon to find that my father had left my mother for another woman. WW3 broke out, my mother demanded that myself and my two brothers cut off all contact with our father. Less than 4 hours after I'd returned from a 12 hour journey she spent 3 hours on the phone to me, telling me every single detail about their 23 year marriage...the amount of inappropriate stuff was off the scale.

Less than 4 years later my own marriage had ended and my divorce had been long and unpleasant. I wasted my £7K financial settlement taking myself, my mother and younger brother back to our home country...including wasting £2K transporting my mother's repo antique furniture across the world. The stress of it all hit me and I ended up suicidal. Thanks to a very good GP I was referred to a psychiatrist (I was eventually diagnosed with C-PTSD and Bipolar 2).

My mother made it crystal clear that she did not approve of any of it. Made comments along the line that a parent as perfect as her would not have such a fucked up child. When I returned from the first appointment - which I'd spent most of in tears - her only comment was 'I suppose you spent the whole time slagging me off'.

That was over 30 years ago...I moved back to the UK after less than a year. My mum's repo furniture fell to bits due to the heat in about the same time. I've only gone back to visit my mother twice in that period...at this point in time I've not seen her in 13 years. No intention of changing that anytime soon.

"Jane's kids take her on holiday every year."
"Jane's kids buy her xyz."
"Jane's kids take her on days out with the grandkids."

Maybe Jane is nicer to her kids.

I could have written exactly this. Everyone tells me I am so lucky to have a mother like mine. In reality she is a dead from the neck up ,emotionally crippled psychopath and the absolute queen of the passive aggressive comment.

As a child I tried on her lipstick. OH with those big lips you look as if you've had your head in a jar of jam. Decades of me thinking my mouth was ugly

What a pity you're so plain, big in the boob area you take after your father's side of the family. Men will only want you for your big breasts

Your only saving grace looks wise are your ankles.

I look back now and know I was pretty with normal lips and figure then I hid my size 6 figure under oversized clothing. I was so self conscious

She of course had the looks of a movie star Deanna durbin and Claire bloom

"You should have been an abortion."

(While holding my 6 year old head over the loo to make me look at her menstrual blood) - "I should have cut you up into little pieces & flushed you down the lavatory"

(Aged 4) - "You are going to a place called school tomorrow. None of the other children will like you, because you are better than them & they are jealous. So you hold your head up like this" (pulls snotty face) "& don't talk to them."

(over 4 years in pubescence & puberty, perpetrating CSA against me, details TMI) "It doesn't hurt you because you have no feelings so don't lie"
(then hits her child for crying)

A few years back - "You are a twisted fantasist & I will never speak to you again."

Hurrah for small mercies, huh?

Too many appalling stories to single out here, so here's to all of us, to congratulate ourselves on our survival!

“Even when I am wrong, I am right!!”.

@sanityisamyth … So very sorry about what happened to you. The reason I didn’t report mine (despite doctors and police wanting me to) when I was 14 was because I knew my mum would be on the phone telling everyone about my rape and how it affected HER. (Then punishing me and humiliating me when she hung up. Hard pass.)

The nicest thing I'm taking from this thread is how many PP endured appalling treatment at the hands of their mothers - but instead of repeating the behaviour throught the generations, decided to learn from it & raise their own children entirely differently.

Well done those women. You are a triumph of human decency.

My first period, I was 11.
It was a shock for both of us I guess. I was undeveloped physically, still looked like a young boy , especially with my short hair - which she insisted on.

Me- put the stained pants in the sink in disbelief , called her to come and see.
She - shocked at seeing it, spat at my pants, exclaiming:
"Oh NOOO, You can get pregnant now!!! Just another worry for me! "

I slept with a boy first time in my 20s.
Never managed to get pregnant .

I’ve read lots of threads over the years on MN about narcissistic parents but some of these are awful.
I’m so sorry for those who have had these experiences.

I am not in any way saying these examples below are similar to the abuse people here have experienced - and want to emphasise that - but it’s just got me thinking.

My mum passed away a few years ago and never did anything as bad as these but over the years reading these threads I do now think she was borderline narcissistic or at the very least extremely selfish.

I remember when I was planning my wedding she threw a strop when I wanted to invite my friends as it was ‘her’ day.
Daily she constantly criticised people for being ‘fat’ when she was hardly slim herself . She constantly criticised my parenting - told me she was ‘worried ‘ about my older DC because I gave my younger more attention…. I needed to smack my children as they were so naughty etc . Both Not true.
Criticised my decision to go out to work and send dc to nursery - ‘you are not a proper parent’ and ‘ why did you have children ‘
Was indifferent about attending things like my 40th party or the dc birthdays / special events until I told her my auntie and cousins would be there .,, suddenly she is coming.
‘What Will the neighbours think’ when I witnessed a violent assault and police came for a witness statement from me.
Telling my dad she was sick of me ruining my clothes when I tore a dress at about aged 9 / when he queried what other clothes I’d torn it turned out a dress was torn when I was a toddler.
Returned clothes bought for me by my auntie on a shopping trip ( just me and my auntie I’d picked them and she treated me) no explanation.

maybe this is normal and was just her personality and for me it was not really bad or abusive …but these threads make me think that I should have pushed back more on her ‘judgement’ of me

That is so well said, and thank you for your kind words.
Albeit very sad, it is comforting to know there are other people out there who experienced similar or same mothering.

But yes, it is all about turning it around, and us ourselves being the mothers we needed as children.

I had that one too, aged 10.

Also "I love you but I don't like you" multiple times over the years.

My mother jubilantly returned from parents evening at primary school and informed me that my class teacher had told her I was a bit slow.

This reminds me... my mother refused to ever attend one because "I don't want to be embarrassed in front of all of those good people.".

Oh and today. DD was wearing one of those really tight ,clingy material tshirts as a dress. Mum:" oh she has belly-tinkly laugh. Oh dear she's growing a belly-tinkly laugh. You have to be careful." And then she wonders why I never taught DD our language. Her biggest fear atm is DD turning fat.. like I did. Every compliment she pays her ends with "just be careful she doesn't get fat".