To ask for your quotes from narcissistic mothers

[itsgoodtobehome]

Slightly tongue in cheek. My DM is a total narcissist which I'm mostly used to now, but every now and then she comes out with a new classic which makes even me wince.

So, next weekend, DM has invited me and DSis and our families for lunch to mark a family birthday. 9 of us in total, including kids. DM was telling me the other day what she was planning to serve for lunch. She mentioned a particular thing as a starter, which is quite an acquired taste. I know for a fact that my DDad and DH don't like it, and the 3 kids won't eat it. So basically 5 out of 9 guests don't like this dish. I told her this was a bit of a waste.
Her response: 'but I have planned this menu to look a certain way, and it won't look right if I don't make this dish'

So she is quite prepared to have most of her guests not eat something just so her menu 'looks good'. I give up. Has anyone else got batshit mothers who only think of themselves and nobody else?

One of the most memorable was calling her when I'd just had my first baby after a long labour and fairly traumatic forceps delivery to tell her she had a new grandchild. After calling me for days wanting constant updates I realised she wasn't helping and decided to head into the hospital and focus on getting the baby born, which was apparently extremely selfish of me.

Me: "Mum, I've had a little boy!"

My mum: In a mocking, sing song voice - "Oh 'I've had a little boy, she says" - WE HAVE BEEN SO WORRIED." [Translation - I was excluded from the drama and I'm not happy about it.]

Stunned silence.

"Do you have stitches?"

That was probably the moment I realised it wasn't normal. I'd had complete strangers being so kind to me for hours and to be suddenly shouted at after what I'd been through was shocking.

Anyway, she is incredibly judgemental/gossipy. The day before my wedding she told me my husband wasn’t much of an alpha male in a way that indicated she was disappointed in my choice.

My mother also indicated disappointment in my choice of husband. When I asked her if she would rather I was marrying my ex (who treated me very badly, who she’d never liked and was delighted when I finished with him) she said “oh I liked him”. I’ve been happily married to DH for 32 years.

@Womblingforfree , you are so right, real narcissists are usually nice to everyone else. A (male) friend of ours was one, but although I knew how selfish he could be, it only dawned on me after he’d died, when other things came to light (his widow was devastated.). But to 99.9% of the world he was no end of a good bloke, life and soul of the party, etc. Hardly anyone but me, dh and his wife ever saw the other side of him.

My heart goes out to all of you with such horrible mothers. 💐💐

God, this is exactly my mother! I'm so used to it I didn't realise, but everything is always about her.
My lovely 12 year old dog died a few months ago, it was sudden and a huge shock.
When I told her she said. "I was only 10 when our dog died....." then long monologue about dogs she'd known that had died and how upset she'd been. No interest in how I might be feeling.

"You can't go to your dad's office, the stairs might break". I was mildly podgy, the stairs in question could and did withstand three hefty men going up them together.

This was my father and more just mean than anything else but...

Told me I had a short memory for not taking into account he helped cover my university fees 30 years ago.

I had not forgotten, I have never forgotten and I've said many times in grateful. I won't though be guilt tripped into thinking I need to always consider something he did that many parents also did 30 years ago.

@LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet I had a feeling from the other thread that there was some dysfunctional dynamics going on with your mother and brother (the groom).

At some point you need to step out of the drama and stop placating her. She does it so she gets the attention. If she’d have missed her own son’s wedding through her own antics it would have been her own tough luck. She even had the bride to be placating her on her own wedding day instead of focusing on her own wedding day. (What a juicy narc win for your mother!). I suspect your from brother is a chip off the old block too.

Start looking into ways you can disengage from the frames and letting your mum snd brother suffer the natural consequences of their behaviour. You are not responsible for their choices.

Conversation OH had with his narcissistic (batshit) mother yesterday.

Her: “I drove past your house yesterday and I realised you haven’t been to see me since April. That’s 6 months.”

Him “April was four months ago, and I was last at your house five weeks ago. Then we went away for two, you went away for two and in the middle I was on nights.”

Her: “Well, it might as well be 6 months.”

Him: “And while we’re on it, you drive past here once a fortnight (she lives 10 miles away but goes to a club thing twice a month). I don’t think you have been here since at least 2014. That’s when we had the extension built and you say you’ve never seen it.”

Her: “Well it’s not just down to me to do all the running around is it?”

Standard conversation. Then he goes to see her out of guilt, gets told he looks a mess, his shirt isn’t ironed, he looks both overweight and underfed.
I get asked if I have a better job yet (I’m a teacher, but not, like a HEAD teacher, so what am I even doing about that?), our trans teen needs to “grow up and snap out of it” and our 9yo is of no interest whatsoever, and doesn’t even always get acknowledged.

So, yeah…

Ah, I didn't know that. Helpful.

What is so sad about this topic is that if you head over to GN there are mothers talking about their children going nc and they don’t know why. I suspect that a lot of them do but don’t want to face up to their part in it. But I think that if you are in a toxic relationship, doesn’t matter who with, that you MUST protect yourself mentally and remove yourself from it. No one should be made to feel less important than others.
Reading your posts I realise how horrible I was to my mum and how she just put up with it and never said anything nasty to me. I never had a chance to tell her how sorry I am.

Hyper independence is a trauma response, as I recently learned.

To me, aged 10. “You’re not pretty like your sister; your sister is the pretty one but, I think there IS something attractive about you”.

Have to say, I’m old now and my mum died three years ago, I miss her but she spent her whole life telling me how disappointed she was with me because I could have “done anything”. Clearly, all that I did achieve meant bugger all!

WTAF? How can you even look at her after that?

That is hideous. Your experience is why I get a bit uncomfortable with people on this website trying to diagnose their own and everyone else's children. I'm so sorry she did that to you.

Told me we'd "soon see who was the slimmest" when we went swimming. I was 15 & very insecure about my body. She's always been slim & my God don't we all have to know it.
Another time she took the clothes I'd just bought at age 17, put them on & did a cringe cringe cringe sexy walk to the bottom of the garden to show my dad. I'm in my 50s now & still haven't got over it!
The endless criticism, self hype & competitiveness has been exhausting, she's 83 now & still the same. I only make a very occasional effort for dsis's sake. She's super critical of dsis's weight & pretends to be concerned while reminding her that SHE never had any problems.

Telling me that if me and my then dp moved to the USA then there was no point in us even bothering to have children as she wouldn’t be able to be actively involved in their lives and they wouldn’t know who she was.

So many of these quotes resonate with me! But it’s my narcissistic MIL not mum. It’s really clarifying things for me that I’m not “too sensitive” as she tells me when I call her out on her crappy remarks about me and my kids.

So much here is familiar. The internalised misogyny is what used to get me. Constant criticism and gossip about others, blaming them for their misfortune.

I haven’t told her about any health issues as it always ends up in a run through of family medical history and a “well that certainly didn’t come from MY side of the family”.

iv noticed that none of us (very bright) siblings have ‘achieved’ much profession/work wise and I genuinely believe this to be a fuck you so that she can’t boast about us.
Warped I know! but we have done nothing of note because we all know that even if we did, there would be someone else who’s done better. Not worth it.
i would love to know if she actually does boast about us to friends when we’re not there….

My Mother died in May.
I visited her not long before. I had my 17 y/0 with me (his request, tho goodness knows why as she wasn't remotely bothered about her grandchildren)
As I left I said: 'I won't say GOODBYE Mum, I'll say: 'Au Revior' (sp?)
(she'd been saying, 'I'll beat this & see you again in a few weeks' when clearly she was likely to die in days)
She didn't miss a beat but looked at my son & said:
'your Mother always DID give herself airs & graces'.

She's gone. I've had no sense of her. No dreams.
(unlike my closes friend who also died in simliar circs at the same time)
Finally - she has gone.

'I didn't say that. I'd never say that'

'That never happened.'

'i think you're lying then.'

Always these answers- if I try to discuss what happened/she did or said that was awful -all through life. Not sure if she is acting or believes herself- it's a mystery.

the things she actually said or did or does are too many to add but asking me to stop telling her about an abusive relative when I finally had courage to disclose was high up there.

@Thatboymum
She's jealous she didn't think of it herself.
That's all.
Seriously keep away from this - you won't lose out.

@YellowPlumbob that's interesting. I did some reading and I seem to be fearful avoidant

Oh this sounds familiar. I was talking with a new work friend the other day and she was telling me about her narc mother, abuse and her therapy - it was enlightening as I'd never seen it that way before. DM is LOVELY to everyone else, if I ever call her out on something, I'm a liar even DF has completely lost it at me and blamed me for some awful things when it wasn't me but DM.
No one cam understand why I'm not close to DM but its a self protection thing.

I know people are supposed to care what the bride is wearing, but what they REALLY want to see is what the mother of the bride is wearing.

And multiple other similar fully batshit narcissistic comments like ' what, I can't invite all these random people the actual couple getting married don't even know because they have invited their closest friends (about 5) "how many friends IS SHE inviting - to my own wedding.

Strangely she wasn't invited to my second wedding... or anything ever again.