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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my husband is taking the piss?!?

338 replies

Summer1980US · 12/08/2022 10:31

I’m interested to hear how other mums and partners manage childcare. Currently I do the bulk of childcare while my DH is off playing golf most weekends.

We both work full time. My husband has a busy job and leaves the house at 530am and is back about 630pm. This leaves me to get the DDs(1 and 3) ready for crèche and do drop off and collection every day. DDs go to bed at 7/730 so DH has limited interaction with kids during the week.

At the weekend he leaves for golf on Saturday at 7am and comes back at 2pm. After this he usually requires a nap. He spends some time with DDs between 4-7.

Sundays are usually better and he is only away for a couple of hours in the morning. He does spent a couple of hours quality time with the kids on a Sunday.

I’m so exhausted and overwhelmed from being the main caregiver. I know men are generally less involved with DD, but at this stage I feel like he is really taking the piss!!

OP posts:
SunnyD44 · 12/08/2022 15:03

My friend works 8-5pm.
He comes home and immediately takes over childcare from his SAHP wife.

Then weekends he either has the DCs on his own or they do things as a family.

He does this simply because he misses his kids when he’s at work and wants to spend as much time with them when he can.

Sceptre86 · 12/08/2022 15:04

I reread the op and you've actually written that dad's are less involved with their dd at this stage I read it as children. Only op that just breaks my heart because it's so untrue. I've got 2 girls aged 6 and 11 months (we have a son too) and my my dh is a handsome on dad regardless of their gender. So was my own dad who whilst he worked long hours Minday- Friday made sure to make weekends a priority to spend with his 3 girls and 1 son.

girlmom21 · 12/08/2022 15:04

@Everanewbie did you quote me accidentally because I said he should give up the nap and Sunday morning golf and you've gone on a rant about how he should still be allowed to do his hobby and only give up.... the nap and Sunday morning golf.....

Sceptre86 · 12/08/2022 15:04

*hands on even!

Sartre · 12/08/2022 15:05

Weekly golf is absolutely fine if you’re child free or retired. My FIL plays golf every week which really bothers no one because his children are fully grown adults now and he’s retired. A Dad with young DC at home should not be playing golf for hours every Saturday, especially when he works such long hours so barely sees them during the week. He’s just avoiding family life and it isn’t on, you need to have words. Maybe he could do this once a month rather than once a week, he’s taking the piss.

ThinkOfABetterUsername · 12/08/2022 15:07

AryaStarkWolf · 12/08/2022 14:28

Well, the OP is female and her husband is male and she was told she should have spelled it out to him and got him to agree before the y had a child together so.........

Show quote history

Also, does this 'don't mention the drawbacks because it's patronizing' also apply to pets?

Supposing one partner really wanted a dog? Should they sit the other partner down and really spell put how difficult dog ownership is so the other partner can veto it?

Or should they play down the difficulties? Argue it's really important to them. Perhaps if the other partner really didn't want a dog a dog could be purchased to make it all a fair accomplis. That certainly carries a danger that the other partner doesn't do their fair share of dog walking.

Seems to me spelling out the difficulties saves everyone a lot of grief when it comes to dogs. Children are even more important that dogs.

Well worth the danger of patronising someone.

ThinkOfABetterUsername · 12/08/2022 15:09

Fait

Everanewbie · 12/08/2022 15:11

girlmom21 · 12/08/2022 15:04

@Everanewbie did you quote me accidentally because I said he should give up the nap and Sunday morning golf and you've gone on a rant about how he should still be allowed to do his hobby and only give up.... the nap and Sunday morning golf.....

I was responding to your post because i feel that demanding the husband packs in golf is completely over the top and unreasonable. But the status quo isn't acceptable either. If he wants his golf to continue he'll need to get home earlier, as I posted earlier a game of golf should never take longer than 4 hours (believe me, i am an expert on this) if it does there is something seriously wrong. The other time is clearly boozing. Plus he needs to be on the ball and present, i.e. not napping when he gets back. I also feel that he should make an effort with his job to work his actual hours, not just accept that its a "busy job".

A bit more of a holistic approach is needed here, not "forget golf" as that is likely to just foster resentment. OP and DH need to function as a team here and away time for both is an important part of that.

luxxlisbon · 12/08/2022 15:11

I’m so exhausted and overwhelmed from being the main caregiver. I know men are generally less involved with DD

This really doesn’t have to be the case. I honestly don’t understand how people end up in this situation. Like you didn’t just say “what the fuck are you still thinking?” After his second full weekend of not dealing with his own kids?
We both work full time. DH gives DD her breakfast, plays with her, gets her ready and drops her to nursery in the morning. Works a shorter lunch so he can collect 1 day a week.
I pick up the other 4, do dinner, bath and bedtime as DH gets home a bit after 7.
On the weeks we spend the bulk of our time as a family, while rotating some personal time. Sometimes I might do something 2 Saturdays in a row, maybe he does a Friday night and has plans on a Saturday.
It very much evens out and as we won’t view anyone as the main caregiver.

SucculentSunshine · 12/08/2022 15:15

My ex husband was exactly the same… that’s why he’s an ex. We now do 50/50 and I’m free to work and enjoy my weeks and weekends exactly how I want to.

greenacrylicpaint · 12/08/2022 15:19

he is taking the piss.

go out for bird warching tomorrow at 5am and slink off to a friend (or somewhere else) where you can sleep uninterrupted for 3 hours. switch off your phone.

Nowhereelsetogo90 · 12/08/2022 15:25

He’s an absolute piss taker! Right now you could improve your life greatly by divorcing him and giving him 50/50 custody!

Boomeranga · 12/08/2022 15:32

HikingforScenery · 12/08/2022 12:08

Are men not generally less involved? Working longer hours, women more likely to work part time? Society expecting women to do the bulk of childcare, etc etc?

Show quote history

Where I live this is not the case, no. Equal society and all that. Most men stay at home with their babies for at least 6 months. It works well.

MummyJ36 · 12/08/2022 15:33

My DH is a golfer so I know how much it can take over things! DH joined a golf club recently and we agreed he’d play once a month during their competitions and anything extra would depend on circumstances (say if DD and I were visiting family or my mum came to stay and therefore childcare was spread a bit). It’s absolutely not unreasonable to have that conversation and come to an agreement that suits both parties. The nap after golf I’d argue is very indulgent and I’d be really wound up if DH was expecting to slip this in afterwards!
We all deserve hobbies and “time off” but when kids are involved there has to be a willingness to compromise.

Rosscameasdoody · 12/08/2022 15:43

If playing golf wears him out to the extent that he has to nap, then he should cut down. No, this is not normal, and yes’ it’s taking the piss. He needs to step up and take some responsibility for parenting. If you both work full time there’s no reason why his needs should take priority over yours.

NumberTheory · 12/08/2022 15:58

OP have you tried saying to him “I don’t like how much childcare and housework related to the kids I have to do. It’s unfair that you don’t do half.” And see what he says?

The situation you describe is clearly unfair. He must realise it’s one sided. What does he say about it? You had a second child with him, was he better when it was just one or have you been putting up with this for years and never really addressed it? Does he think you enjoy it?

Happyhappyday · 12/08/2022 16:14

We do: DD up at 7, DH is “responsible” for mornings so sometimes I get up too, sometimes I have a lie, lots of times I’m working on a cooking project I enjoy or something. DH leaves with DD (3) to walk to preschool at 8, he usually gets back around 9.

I start work (WFH) at 8.

He tidies kitchen, does dishwasher etc when he gets home then starts work (also WFH).

Nanny picks DD up from school at lunchtime and does afternoon.

I finish work at 4/4:30, cook dinner. DH does handover with nanny around 5/5:15. We all eat dinner together then I mostly play with dd until bathtime at 6:30. DH does bathtime, I do stories. Everyone done at 7:30.

weekends I usually take dd out for a good couple hours so DH has some time. I usually go out for a few hours as I like to do things out of the house. During the winter I usually ski at least one morning a weekend. We both usually go out 1-2 nights a week after family dinner.

peaceandove · 12/08/2022 16:14

DH absolutely loved his golf, but when our DDs were born he massively reduced how often he played - because he loved them far more than golf.

Good fathers actually enjoy spending time with their children (mostly) and actively participate in family life and days out etc.

Baconking · 12/08/2022 16:24

What's he doing on Sunday afternoon, after a morning of golf, you napping and the kids out with a babysitter?

Do you ever do family things, going to the park, zoo, visiting family?

Fluffygreenslippers · 12/08/2022 16:25

Of course he’s taking the piss. My husband has a hugely stressful job, doesn’t come home til 8pm some days, leaves at 7. He still does half the night feeds and looks after the baby one full day at the weekend so I can have a rest.

Frustratedandsneezy · 12/08/2022 16:34

He’s sleeping off the beers, it doesn’t take 7 hours to play a round of golf.

even allowing for an hour drive each way it doesn’t take 5 hours to play a round of golf.

he’s taking the piss

G5000 · 12/08/2022 16:39

If he came into this relationship as someone who spent the weekends on his hobbies or generally kicking back then it's reasonable to assume that's how he rolls.

I spent ,u time pre kids on my hobbies and travelling and DH didn't spell it out to me that once we have children, I can't just drop everything and randomly decide to fly to Rome for a weekend. How unreasonable of him.

Goldbar · 12/08/2022 16:42

If he came into this relationship as someone who spent the weekends on his hobbies or generally kicking back then it's reasonable to assume that's how he rolls.

And if that's how both parents 'roll'?

Is it ok for both parents to leave their children unattended and uncared for while they pursue their hobbies or kick back and enjoy their weekend, assuming that's what they both did pre-DC?

Simonjt · 12/08/2022 16:46

If he came into this relationship as someone who spent the weekends on his hobbies or generally kicking back then it's reasonable to assume that's how he rolls.

You’ve basically described every single person before they have children. How many people without childre have no hobbies, do nothing at the weekend, don’t relax as they please etc?

Scrapologist · 12/08/2022 16:54

Someone needs to tell this man that when you have children, you don't (or at least shouldn't) get to keep living your life as you did before having them. You may not be able to continue your favourite time-consuming hobby for a while, until they've grown up a bit. Find a new interest that, preferably one you can do at home, maybe even something you can involve the children in (combine family time with hobby time), that doesn't eat up huge chunks of the weekend.

It's so selfish to have children and then act as though it's a chore to spend more than a few hours a week with them. I'd tell him that unless he wants to have a sad, surface-level relationship with his daughters when they're older, he needs to spend more time with them, starting now.

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