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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I should be able to have my family over?

139 replies

KiloWat · 11/08/2022 11:53

I've been with my DP for 2 years, we still live separately, due to having children from previous relationships, but we hope to move in together and integrate into one another's lives soon.

DP has two businesses - one as an electrician and one as a pet boarder / kennels. He has the kennels on his land which is attached to his house. I have been working from home since the pandemic. As I work from home, I quite frequently manage the pet boarding whilst he is working. I only work part-time so it is easy to work around the animals care needs. Sometimes that will involve being around the animals from 7am - 10pm. I don't mind doing this as he does a lot for me in return, he has offered money in the past but I have always refused. At the moment he only has one dog boarding in the kennels, but even with the one dog, it means I cannot go out anywhere for more than a couple of hours. I do find looking after the animals (dog on this occasion) very restrictive and boring, I usually end up sitting around watching the TV for hours. I obviously can't do any of my normal chores at home (washing, cleaning etc) as I am stuck at my DP's house for the day.

As it is lovely weather today, I suggested to my brother that he come over for dinner with my SIL and their 3 children. The children aren't rambunctious or destructive, and I always clean up after myself, in fact I will quite often do chores for DP (like wash and dry his clothes) because I am bored! I would also buy all food and drink so they wouldn't be eating him out of house and home. The dog would also not be an issue with the children and family members, this dog has boarded many times in the kennels and been present at BBQs etc.

I asked DP if he minded them coming over and he said he'd rather they didn't. AIBU to think this is a little unreasonable, considering I am doing him quite a huge favour frequently? Or should I just suck it up as it is his house and ultimately, it's his decision who comes round.

OP posts:
PastaCheese · 11/08/2022 11:55

YABU

It's his house

You need to look at the two issues separately

Stop doing to much for the kennels if you're getting annoyed by it

Hannah1011 · 11/08/2022 11:59

PastaCheese · 11/08/2022 11:55

YABU

It's his house

You need to look at the two issues separately

Stop doing to much for the kennels if you're getting annoyed by it

Great response

Original poster
KiloWat · 11/08/2022 12:00

@PastaCheese Yeah I do get that. I guess I just thought that as I do this quite often, never expect payment and he knows how boring/restrictive I find it, he wouldn't see me having my family over as a big deal. Massively appreciate it's his house though and he's well within his rights to refuse.

OP posts:
DilemmaDelilah · 11/08/2022 12:00

I kind of agree with @PastaCheese . It isn't your house to invite people to. On the other hand, it's not fair that you can't have people round because you have to be at your DPs house. I would say to your DP that you can't look after the kennels that day, or as much. After all - it is his own business and presumably he managed before you were around?

Tumble23 · 11/08/2022 12:01

I actually think he’s unreasonable seeing as you are doing his job for him.

I know you don’t mind but how is he expecting to take on dog boarding clients while working another job? Surely he can’t do it without your help.

say that’s fine, you’ll go home and host them at your house. He’ll soon change his tune when he realises he won’t have anyone to run his side business for him.

pigsDOfly · 11/08/2022 12:01

Did he give you a reason other than he'd rather they didn't?

You're doing him a massive favour. If you didn't look after the animals for him I assumed he'd have to pay someone else to do it.

I think he's being very unfair to expect you to sit around for hours basically running his side business for him but not see anyone.

If you're going to live with this man are you going to move into his home and if you are are you still not going to be able to have your family over?

SizzlerFizzler · 11/08/2022 12:02

Sounds odd to me that he'd be so resistant to you having some family members around. Let him manage his own kennels. Don't be a convenient drudge for him.

Original poster
KiloWat · 11/08/2022 12:02

@Tumble23 He would either have to refuse the clients, or alter his work pattern, or find someone else to look after the animals all day (which is unlikely he would find someone who would be happy to do it as frequently as I do).

OP posts:
PastaCheese · 11/08/2022 12:02

KiloWat · 11/08/2022 12:00

@PastaCheese Yeah I do get that. I guess I just thought that as I do this quite often, never expect payment and he knows how boring/restrictive I find it, he wouldn't see me having my family over as a big deal. Massively appreciate it's his house though and he's well within his rights to refuse.

If you find it boring and restrictive don't bloody do it

You don't just get to invite people over to someone else's house when they're not there

Loics · 11/08/2022 12:02

PastaCheese · 11/08/2022 11:55

YABU

It's his house

You need to look at the two issues separately

Stop doing to much for the kennels if you're getting annoyed by it

I agree with this. It's house, he's perfectly within his rights to say no.
However, you would also be reasonable to stop helping out with boarding, or accept payment for it.

Wnikat · 11/08/2022 12:02

Just tell him he needs to be home at 4pm so you can go home to host your brother at home then.

Inertia · 11/08/2022 12:03

Stop being his unpaid skivvy then.

He can employ somebody to manage the kennels, and you can have whoever you like to visit at your own house.

Loics · 11/08/2022 12:04

Inertia · 11/08/2022 12:03

Stop being his unpaid skivvy then.

He can employ somebody to manage the kennels, and you can have whoever you like to visit at your own house.

He was going to lay OP to do it, she refused to accept payment.

ImWell · 11/08/2022 12:04

I agree that you need to keep the two issues separate. Having people over for a meal to a house that isn’t yours feels (just) the wrong side of the “reasonable” line. It’d be difference if you were living with him, but to have them there when he’s away is a bit different.

It does sound like you are doing a bit more for him than you feel is reasonable, but I’d try to avoid linking the two things in any way, so it doesn’t feel like tit-for-tat.

ILoveLemon · 11/08/2022 12:04

It's essentially his house so he isn't being unreasonable in saying he'd rather not, but if I were you I'd go and have them over for dinner at my house instead, obviously let him know so he can make plans to come back when the dog needs him to. Sounds like you're starting to feel a bit of resentment for doing so much for him so do less.

EmergencyHepNeeded · 11/08/2022 12:04

So it's his business and he gets the money but you do all the work? Are you mad?

Loics · 11/08/2022 12:04

Loics · 11/08/2022 12:04

He was going to lay OP to do it, she refused to accept payment.

Show quote history

Pay OP!

LondonWolf · 11/08/2022 12:04

I agree with him.

BUT why on earth are you doing his whole job for him without being paid? I can't get my head round that. My friend used to be a dog walker/board dogs and I would help her out sometimes, it's time and attention consuming and you're never "off duty" while they're with you. Why don't you value you your own time and labour?

10HailMarys · 11/08/2022 12:05

Either you do it as a paid job (which to be fair he has suggested) and treat it as such, or you do it as a favour and have some leeway to enjoy yourself while you're doing it (and it's not like you've asked for the moon on a stick, only for some family to pop round).

ClocksGoingBackwards · 11/08/2022 12:08

If he said not to just your brother, or brother and sil, then he would be being unfair. But three kids, no. I wouldn’t want three kids running around my home, especially when I wasn’t there and even more so if I don’t know them well.

CalistoNoSolo · 11/08/2022 12:08

Why the fuck are you doing hours of unpaid work? The rest is almost irrelevant to this. Go home and invite your rellies to your home and stop working for nothing.

(Abd yes you are being U to expect to use your boyfriend's house and land to entertain your relatives).

Original poster
KiloWat · 11/08/2022 12:11

I guess because we have been together for 2 years, have serious plans to live with one another, have spent serious time with one another's families and children (I have looked after his children on many occasion too, whilst he's been working) that it feels like our relationship is serious enough to not see it as a big deal to have my family over at his house?

OP posts:
SizzlerFizzler · 11/08/2022 12:13

he's definitely getting the better deal in this relationship

pinkyredrose · 11/08/2022 12:15

He shouldn't be running kennels if he's not there to actually run them. If you move in with him this will be your life permanently, an unpaid skivvy running his business for free while he gets paid for it. Stop doing his shit for him!

PastaCheese · 11/08/2022 12:15

KiloWat · 11/08/2022 12:11

I guess because we have been together for 2 years, have serious plans to live with one another, have spent serious time with one another's families and children (I have looked after his children on many occasion too, whilst he's been working) that it feels like our relationship is serious enough to not see it as a big deal to have my family over at his house?

Serious plans mean nothing

In 2 years if you haven't already moved in that's a a sign in itself if you both 'want' it