To think I should be able to have my family over?

[KiloWat]

I've been with my DP for 2 years, we still live separately, due to having children from previous relationships, but we hope to move in together and integrate into one another's lives soon.

DP has two businesses - one as an electrician and one as a pet boarder / kennels. He has the kennels on his land which is attached to his house. I have been working from home since the pandemic. As I work from home, I quite frequently manage the pet boarding whilst he is working. I only work part-time so it is easy to work around the animals care needs. Sometimes that will involve being around the animals from 7am - 10pm. I don't mind doing this as he does a lot for me in return, he has offered money in the past but I have always refused. At the moment he only has one dog boarding in the kennels, but even with the one dog, it means I cannot go out anywhere for more than a couple of hours. I do find looking after the animals (dog on this occasion) very restrictive and boring, I usually end up sitting around watching the TV for hours. I obviously can't do any of my normal chores at home (washing, cleaning etc) as I am stuck at my DP's house for the day.

As it is lovely weather today, I suggested to my brother that he come over for dinner with my SIL and their 3 children. The children aren't rambunctious or destructive, and I always clean up after myself, in fact I will quite often do chores for DP (like wash and dry his clothes) because I am bored! I would also buy all food and drink so they wouldn't be eating him out of house and home. The dog would also not be an issue with the children and family members, this dog has boarded many times in the kennels and been present at BBQs etc.

I asked DP if he minded them coming over and he said he'd rather they didn't. AIBU to think this is a little unreasonable, considering I am doing him quite a huge favour frequently? Or should I just suck it up as it is his house and ultimately, it's his decision who comes round.

YABU to invite people to someone else's home.

I would just tell him you can't do unpaid work for him that day as you will be seeing your family.

I am not sure if you are a mug or a martyr but most people wouldn't give up so much freedom for nothing.

Why on earth are you voluntarily tethering your daily life to his pet care business???

Tell him you’re leaving at lunchtime to get things ready at your house for your family. And stop being his skivvy.

So essentially you're an unpaid skivvy and nanny. You must have doormat written across your forehead OP, because that's how he's treating you. He has no respect for you, do you have any for yourself?

I have been you OP

The girlfriend who is a "team" & helps her "partner" with his business & mucks in, because that's what you do as a team, no need to pay me, I insist I will give my services for free. You will surely love me when you see my unwavering devoted loyalty!

Honestly, having "serious plans" for the future means nothing. Actions speak louder than words.

He is your boyfriend of 2 years, a "partner" is someone you actually live & are building a future with.

I urge you to stop helping with this dog boarding business & do things that only put money in your pocket & superannuation fund.

You are helping him build his business. & getting zero back. You think you are getting a payoff in the future for this dream you will build together. You should be paid now, not sometime in a hypothetical future.

I don't think it's unreasonable to not want a group of people in your home when you aren't there, especially if it's going to be kids running around the place.

But at the same time it goes to show that what's his is his & you bending over backwards to babysit his dogs is not going to get you anywhere good in life.

Unfortunately sometimes we must learn the hard way to not offer our services for free - people are rarely grateful to those who allow themselves to be a doormat.

I am not sure of the animal laws in your country, but I would be royally pissed off if I put my dog in a boarding kennel & the actual carer fucked off leaving his GF who has zero training with companion animal care to look after my dog, who allowed random kids to come over & run around near the kennels & scare my dogs. It's really not professional. If the kids put their finger in the kennel & the dog bites them, who is responsible for that one?

But having seen what goes on at dog kennels & hearing stories like this I refuse to put my dogs in one.

He's got some random sheds out the back in a field & calls it a boarding kennel facility

Shudder

No

It's how the OP is allowing herself to be treated

He has offered a salary and she said no

Why the fuck are you doing hours of unpaid work? The rest is almost irrelevant to this. Go home and invite your rellies to your home and stop working for nothing.

I can never understand why women insist on martyring themselves like this. What brownie points do you think you’re earning by doing it?

This.

Catch yourself on. You are being taken for a mug.

He's not treating her as an unpaid skivvy. He has offered to pay and he does regular favours for the OP as well. Not every man is the big bad wolf

This.

tell him “ok. But your off home then”

he does regular favours for the OP

Show me those favours on her bank statement.

And I bet you anything if she did say she wanted paying it would be £1 per hour or “Oh, you only did a few days last month - I’ll buy you a drink or put it towards your Christmas present instead - OK?”

What a silly comment

Why not accept the OP was offered a salary and refused it

You have no idea what the payment would have been.

Agreed @PastaCheese , surely the first logical step is to either refuse to do the work, or agree to be paid.

The OP is not being forced to do this work, she isn't being coerced - she was asked, she was offered a wage - she said yes, and that she would work for free. If I refused my wage, you can be sure my employer would still give me the work, especially if I didn't indicate in any way that I was unhappy with the situation. As far as he knows, OP is happy with the set-up as she hasn't said anything to the contrary (to him).

I would just tell him OK, I guess I will have to do it at my own house. You best get home to look after the kennels. And then stop doing it for free.

Just tell him that you were trying to be helpful because you though finding alternative cover at short notice would be tricky for him. Never mind, you’ll host at your house as that’s what he prefers.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to have asked, especially as you’re doing him a big favour.

Might be time for a conversation with him saying he was right and it’s not working for you to do part-time kennel work without pay so could he draw up a contract to make you an employee of the business and sort out regular hours, holiday pay, etc.

He offered the daily rate he gets for looking after one of the animals. But I said no, as in my opinion, if you are in a relationship you work together and he does do plenty for me in return for 'free'.

I've told him I'm happy to do it for free, but I've also told him I don't find it enjoyable and I am bored, restricted, and get fed up sitting around all day on my own, that's why I suggested inviting people over.

You don’t seem to have understood any of the comments regarding this unpaid work, OP …

people claiming the OP was offered a 'salary'.

Jesus wept

You're never going to stop martyring yourself are you

Then really, your options are keep doing it, keep feeling that way, and either accept payment, or don't.

Or, stop doing it, and just do the usual things couples do to help each other out (pick kids up, get shopping in if one is working late, some DIY, etc...). I'll happily cook dinner if DP is going to be home later from work, I'll do the laundry if he's busy cutting the grass, but I wouldn't ever commit to doing anything on a regular basis for his business, he can employ people for that.

I would probably phrase it a different way.

”I’ve made plans to see my SIL tomorrow. If you’re happy for them to come over to yours I can look after the dog, but if not I’ll be seeing them somewhere else and you’ll need to arrange someone else to watch the dog.”

I bet once he realises you’re not going to sit at his home doing nothing all day at the expense of seeing your friends and family he’ll quickly change his mind regarding whether it’s okay to have people over.

I asked DP if he minded them coming over and he said he'd rather they didn't.

I would say ‘fine, that’s your choice but I won’t be at your house looking after any dogs any more. I’ll be at home having my brother and family round today instead’

Relationships involve give and take. At the moment, you are doing all the giving-say no.

You really are making a martyr of yourself, aren't you? Can you not see that you are paying a huge price for a relationship with this man? He is benefiting hugely from your self-sacrifice yet offers nothing in return.

You are the only person who can get yourself out of this, OP. You have to look at why martyrdom appeals so much to you.

That would actually be a deal breaker for me.

He’s happy for you to be there on his behalf, to take care of the pets (or his children when that suits) he is sitting, to use you but he doesn’t want you to treat his place like home.I doubt that will improve.

when someone shows you they are are a twat, listen…
he has shown you what he is. He isn’t a very nice person.

You're providing hours and hours of unpaid childcare and labour. DP has a great deal. You do not. You don't enjoy looking after the animals and find it restrictive and boring, so stop doing it. I would think seriously about how wise it would be to 'integrate into one another's lives' - you're already seen as an unpaid skivvy.

Stop looking after his dogs for free. You are giving up a huge chunk of your time for nothing!

Its also highly unethical of him to be running a kennels when he's frequently not there. Do you know pet first aid etc.?