Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I should be able to have my family over?

139 replies

KiloWat · 11/08/2022 11:53

I've been with my DP for 2 years, we still live separately, due to having children from previous relationships, but we hope to move in together and integrate into one another's lives soon.

DP has two businesses - one as an electrician and one as a pet boarder / kennels. He has the kennels on his land which is attached to his house. I have been working from home since the pandemic. As I work from home, I quite frequently manage the pet boarding whilst he is working. I only work part-time so it is easy to work around the animals care needs. Sometimes that will involve being around the animals from 7am - 10pm. I don't mind doing this as he does a lot for me in return, he has offered money in the past but I have always refused. At the moment he only has one dog boarding in the kennels, but even with the one dog, it means I cannot go out anywhere for more than a couple of hours. I do find looking after the animals (dog on this occasion) very restrictive and boring, I usually end up sitting around watching the TV for hours. I obviously can't do any of my normal chores at home (washing, cleaning etc) as I am stuck at my DP's house for the day.

As it is lovely weather today, I suggested to my brother that he come over for dinner with my SIL and their 3 children. The children aren't rambunctious or destructive, and I always clean up after myself, in fact I will quite often do chores for DP (like wash and dry his clothes) because I am bored! I would also buy all food and drink so they wouldn't be eating him out of house and home. The dog would also not be an issue with the children and family members, this dog has boarded many times in the kennels and been present at BBQs etc.

I asked DP if he minded them coming over and he said he'd rather they didn't. AIBU to think this is a little unreasonable, considering I am doing him quite a huge favour frequently? Or should I just suck it up as it is his house and ultimately, it's his decision who comes round.

OP posts:
saraclara · 11/08/2022 14:44

OP, you keep saying that you're happy to do this. But you clearly aren't. You've listed all the many reasons why it's a complete pain in the neck. You can't go out and you can't have visitors, from 7am to 10pm? It's madness.

Just still doing it. It's not about the money, it's about you having no life. You can't go on like this.

saraclara · 11/08/2022 14:45

Just STOP doing this, rather

MuddlerInLaw · 11/08/2022 14:47

I’m sorry to say, OP, that from your responses here I think your ‘partner’ saw you coming.

Were you brought up to believe that love involves completely sacrificing your own interests for the other person? Because it doesn’t. And almost no one posting on your thread can understand why you are cleaning and laundering and childminding and kennel sitting for your boyfriend. But we can see that a decent man would not be taking advantage of you like this.

All the time you spend skivvying for him could be spent advancing your own career!

Livpool · 11/08/2022 14:47

KiloWat · 11/08/2022 12:11

I guess because we have been together for 2 years, have serious plans to live with one another, have spent serious time with one another's families and children (I have looked after his children on many occasion too, whilst he's been working) that it feels like our relationship is serious enough to not see it as a big deal to have my family over at his house?

You sound like the (un)hired help!

hotfroth · 11/08/2022 14:52

Work out exactly how many hours you have spent minding the kennels over the last month. You are being royally taken advantage of.

KettrickenSmiled · 11/08/2022 14:56

deedeeweewee · 11/08/2022 14:42

I said "so he needs to treat you now the way you'd like to continue to be treated." Otherwise she might not move in at all. It sounds as if he's very controlling and would like to treat her as staff, he needs to chill, red flag

Nothing OP has posted suggests he's controlling. He's even offered to pay her 100% of the kennel fees on the days she (inexplicably) chooses to spend being bored out of her mind at his gaff. She also says he does a lot for her - but until she says what form that takes, nobody can assess how kind he is in return to her.

Not wanting her family over while he is not there isn't controlling. Maybe he doesn't know them very well - & that's something to be far more concerned about, if OP is looking to cohabit with him.

All this man is 'guilty' of is accepting a LOT of help from a girlfriend who has bent herself into a pretzel to accommodate him. That's her biggest problem - not where she hosts her family visit.

DPotter · 11/08/2022 14:56

Kilowat
if you are in a relationship you work together and he does do plenty for me in return for 'free'.

My DP employs me to run some admin for his business and I know several other people who employ their spouses in their businesses. It's actually tax efficient and enabled them to claim for the furlough payments during lockdown.

Yes people in relationships help each other out in the home but if one partner is taking money for a business transaction, it is only fair and proper that the other partner is paid.

Your partner has offered to pay you, and although you have declined payment, he probably thinks of you as the 'help' in this context. You wouldn't let an employee bring their family around for a bit of a social, so I can understand his thinking. Yours- not so much.

You have 3 main options to keep your relationship going and give you your social life

a) accept payment and establish a proper rota of shifts so you can plan a

social life
b) refuse to help on a regular basis and get your life back
c) continue as you are and become more irritated with him, which will do your

relationship no good at all

Oh - and don't keep looking after his kids all the time - their his and not your responsibility

ladymaiasaura · 11/08/2022 15:00

I would say it’s up to him who he has in his house… except that you are planning to live with him soon. As his business is on his land I’m guessing you will move into his house. Surely at that point you will be able to invite people over as it will be your home. So what is the issue with doing it now?!

(Also agree with others that it sounds like you are doing too much and I wouldn’t be happy with this set up if it was my pet.)

latetothefisting · 11/08/2022 15:06

PastaCheese · 11/08/2022 12:41

No

It's how the OP is allowing herself to be treated

He has offered a salary and she said no

Show quote history

This...posters are jumping on the boyfriend but he has offered money and she's refused. She's also said he does a lot for her but hasn't explained what this is...if, for example, as his "main job" is an electrician he's rewired her whole house for her, savings her thousands, then her "running his business for him" (which in her words consists mainly of sitting on the sofa watching tv) starts to look a bit more equitable.

I agree with the pp that the dog business does not sound legit and I wouldn't be happy if I was paying for a licensed, registered professional who offloaded the work to a random, unpaid, girlfriend. I think you need to have a serious talk with dp about if and when you are going to move in together, and when you do he needs to make you a partner in the business and you need to get all the relevant qualifications and get paid. Until then while you live separately it's not appropriate ir fair (on you or the clients) for you to keep working there.

agedasiago · 11/08/2022 15:07

YANBU to ask him if it's OK to invite your family to his place given the circumstances. HINBU to say no. But it sounds like the two of you have different expectations, and I'd talk more with him about that. Not to challenge his decision but to understand it.

You're spending a bunch of time at his house when you have a perfectly good home/home office/kitchen and would be more comfortable there, and you're doing it because you want to support him as a partner. But he's possibly not seeing it that way and maybe viewing your contribution as more transactional, and you as a visitor at his house rather than a partner who's always welcome.

If there's some specific reason he didn't want your family there - bad timing, house is a mess, worried about liability with the dogs around children, etc. he should probably tell you that. If it's an ongoing issue with privacy or safety or just not liking people in his house or whatever, will he still have those issues when you're living together?

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 11/08/2022 15:11

Well I personally wouldn’t do it. You’re basically running his business for him. For nothing.

The very least he could do is make it less boring for you.

deedeeweewee · 11/08/2022 15:11

The OP hasn't said he is controlling, he is being controlling and she might be unaware of it at the moment. Imagine they move in together and this is still an issue, don't do it OP, we all know a person like this, don't leave your own home.

PastaCheese · 11/08/2022 15:13

deedeeweewee · 11/08/2022 15:11

The OP hasn't said he is controlling, he is being controlling and she might be unaware of it at the moment. Imagine they move in together and this is still an issue, don't do it OP, we all know a person like this, don't leave your own home.

How is he being controlling?

It's his bloody house

deedeeweewee · 11/08/2022 15:16

Because he is happy for her to be at his place looking after things and won't allow her own brother to visit. That is controlling what she can do and he appears hostile to her family. I wonder how he would treat her kids when they move in, red flag OP

Mally100 · 11/08/2022 15:16

Yanbu but a fool. You sit in the house restricted to having your own life for no pay, and then told you can't have anyone over while you are doing him a massive favour. You are an employee not a partner. This would open my eyes to really how much he's taking advantage of you.

DorothyZbornakIsAQueen · 11/08/2022 15:18

I've told him I'm happy to do it for free, but I've also told him I don't find it enjoyable and I am bored, restricted, and get fed up sitting around all day on my own

Yet, he is happy for you to carry on doing it?? Very loving of him 🙄

You really don't sound 'happy' to do it.

You do his laundry
You do his shopping
You look after his kids
You run one of his businesses for him for free (ethics of that aside!), which puts restrictions on your daily life

You do it for 'free' because he does 'free' stuff for you??

I can bet you a pound to a penny that if you asked him to tie himself to your house for hours on end and he was unable to have visitors, his 'free' stuff he does for you certainly would not stretch to that.

You're being a mug and a martyr to boot.

PastaCheese · 11/08/2022 15:19

deedeeweewee · 11/08/2022 15:16

Because he is happy for her to be at his place looking after things and won't allow her own brother to visit. That is controlling what she can do and he appears hostile to her family. I wonder how he would treat her kids when they move in, red flag OP

No

She is controlling what she can do

She can go back to her home and host people at her own property

She wasn't forced to help. She offered to help

He said he would pay her for this help. She refused

How he is being considered controlling is beyond reason

Classicblunder · 11/08/2022 15:23

KiloWat · 11/08/2022 12:57

He offered the daily rate he gets for looking after one of the animals. But I said no, as in my opinion, if you are in a relationship you work together and he does do plenty for me in return for 'free'.

I've told him I'm happy to do it for free, but I've also told him I don't find it enjoyable and I am bored, restricted, and get fed up sitting around all day on my own, that's why I suggested inviting people over.

But you're clearly not happy so just don't do it.

Being part of a team doesn't mean being a doormat and not having any boundaries

deedeeweewee · 11/08/2022 15:23

She's asking for advice because she's unsure. Her brother not being welcome shows he doesn't and probably will not treat her as an equal if she moved in. I expect this kennels in out in the sticks so she doesn't get to interact with other people.

pinkyredrose · 11/08/2022 15:38

Who looked after the animals before you turned up?

Pansypotter123 · 11/08/2022 15:38

When you look after his children do you have them at your house? Do you ever do things for him and his family/friends at your house?

PastaCheese · 11/08/2022 15:43

deedeeweewee · 11/08/2022 15:23

She's asking for advice because she's unsure. Her brother not being welcome shows he doesn't and probably will not treat her as an equal if she moved in. I expect this kennels in out in the sticks so she doesn't get to interact with other people.

Her brother isn't not welcome

He said he would prefer she didn't invite him and multiple children over to his house when he isn't there

Bellyups · 11/08/2022 15:51

Tell him he needs to come home and do his other job then, as you have dinner plans.

deedeeweewee · 11/08/2022 16:02

😅

AnneElliott · 11/08/2022 16:24

I think he's BU. You're his partner not his employee! Cheeky yes to invite people over if you're dosing at their house hit you're doing him a favour.

I'd invite your brother to your house and tell your DP that you can't look after the dog today. Let him sort it himself or he might change his tune.