To think I should be able to have my family over?

[KiloWat]

I've been with my DP for 2 years, we still live separately, due to having children from previous relationships, but we hope to move in together and integrate into one another's lives soon.

DP has two businesses - one as an electrician and one as a pet boarder / kennels. He has the kennels on his land which is attached to his house. I have been working from home since the pandemic. As I work from home, I quite frequently manage the pet boarding whilst he is working. I only work part-time so it is easy to work around the animals care needs. Sometimes that will involve being around the animals from 7am - 10pm. I don't mind doing this as he does a lot for me in return, he has offered money in the past but I have always refused. At the moment he only has one dog boarding in the kennels, but even with the one dog, it means I cannot go out anywhere for more than a couple of hours. I do find looking after the animals (dog on this occasion) very restrictive and boring, I usually end up sitting around watching the TV for hours. I obviously can't do any of my normal chores at home (washing, cleaning etc) as I am stuck at my DP's house for the day.

As it is lovely weather today, I suggested to my brother that he come over for dinner with my SIL and their 3 children. The children aren't rambunctious or destructive, and I always clean up after myself, in fact I will quite often do chores for DP (like wash and dry his clothes) because I am bored! I would also buy all food and drink so they wouldn't be eating him out of house and home. The dog would also not be an issue with the children and family members, this dog has boarded many times in the kennels and been present at BBQs etc.

I asked DP if he minded them coming over and he said he'd rather they didn't. AIBU to think this is a little unreasonable, considering I am doing him quite a huge favour frequently? Or should I just suck it up as it is his house and ultimately, it's his decision who comes round.

It’s not a business you’ve chosen. Not one you enjoy.
so why are you doing it?
helping out, here and there, fair enough. We all do that for our partners. But he’s royally taking the piss. Even if he was paying you

Thank you for being the only other person to mention this aspect.

He's advertising a boarding facility & has unpaid people who aren't even an employee or trained in animal care to look after them.

People like this should not be running a boarding kennel because it shows a lack of care & concern for animal welfare.

Caring for animals should be about more than just filling the water/food bowl & making sure they aren't dead.

These dogs could be there for weeks & OP is providing zero enrichment for them.

If that's what he wants, fine, but I'd stop doing anything for him. No free work at kennels, no shopping, favours, putting yourself out.

Work out how many hours you've spent on his business!!

He needs to sort it himself. He is VU.

Are you serious op? You're babysitting , doing his housework and assisting the running of his business , and have refused pay also?

You really need to be single for a while op.

Clearly your partner doesn’t consider your partnership sufficiently solid to trust you to make sandwiches for your close relatives in his home.

Let’s be honest here. Moving in together means you moving into his house, under his rules- he can’t move away as his business is attached. You’ll lose your security and option to have visitors , for the chance to work unpaid in a job you hate plus doing unpaid childcare on top.

Why don’t you value yourself?

Personally I'd be telling him he'd better stay home and look after the dog himself as you won't be there from x time, then I would go home and see my family there

Well, as your partner that you have long term plans with you should at least be able to communicate in a more straightforward way and you should be able to ask him why you can't have your family around, or negotiate a bit more about what's ok when you're stuck in his house. It does sound like you need to say to him that while you thought it would be ok to mind the dog(s) you're actually finding it too restrictive so he should find someone else if possible, even to cover half the time you're supposed to do it.

Yes, he offered payment which OP refused. So she’s an unpaid skivvy (albeit of her own making).

I think he is BU. Although you don't officially live together, in effect you stay at his a lot, do his washing and house chores, while running his business for him....so in effect you pretty much live together and are a partnership. You weren't springing a massive party on him or overnight visitors for days, with no notice, you've asked if a couple of close family could pop round for a few minutes. Its shit of him to say no given how much you put yourself out for him.

I'd say ok no problem, I'll go to theirs instead, and leave him to sort the animals.

What is his actual reason for saying no?

I would think twice about moving in with this man. You will find yourself looking after his kids as well as his dog boarders, and doing his fucking laundry. He is taking advantage of your good nature.

How?

He offered to pay the OP

The OP offered to do all these things and refused payment

Ah yes this is MN when despite all evidence pointing the other way the man must be the issue

Why in the name of the goddess are you doing his laundry & house chores?!

You say it's because you get bored at his gaff. There's a simple solution - stop doing it. I know he's previously offered to compensate you, & also feel it's right for you to have refused that compensation. Not out of nobility - but because you do not want to be in the position of being your boyfriend's employee/report.

You are spending hours inconveniencing yourself on a regular basis.
I do find looking after the animals (dog on this occasion) very restrictive and boring, I usually end up sitting around watching the TV for hours. I obviously can't do any of my normal chores at home (washing, cleaning etc) as I am stuck at my DP's house for the day.

You are not STUCK at your boyfriend's house.
You are choosing to put his needs ahead of your own, & that is a far bigger problem than having your request for a family visit to his home denied.

Overall, I think I'd be questioning my relationship with someone that I was showing the kind of flexibility that you are showing this man if it wasn't being reciprocated, OP.

Oh FFS.

Don't move into HIS house OP.
You will end up doing all the childcare, running the kennels, & still feeling like you are beholden to his rules.

If you do move in together, make it a new start in a new place.

👏👏👏

If you want to have visitors, tell DP that you won't be available that day. You entertain your friends/family at your house, as he doesn't want them at his.

What was his reason for not wanting your family over? I don’t understand why you’re doing so much for him. What does he do in return?

Yes but you aren't happy about it are you? You've said it's restrictive and you are bored and sit around watching tv, and now it's interfering with plans with your family.
He needs to hire someone and pay them a proper wage. You can still help out on the odd occasion.
Also if I knew that was the set up I would not want to board my dogs there.

I would say "Ok no problem, but I won't be around to watch the dog on xxx as I'm having them over at mine" - stay home and have your family at yours. If he expects free help from you there has to be a compromise.

You are engaged a mug OP.

Stop doing this for him, why on earth are you putting yourself out so much for him - do your own needs not matter ? Tell him you will host the get together at yours so will be leaving at 3pm (or whatever) and ask him to make further arrangements for the dogs.

What is it he does 'free' for you ?

Why's he being offish about your brother coming round? I hope a dog kennel owner isn't complaining about a house trained dog coming over? You live together, so he needs to treat you now the way you'd like to continue to be treated. x

They don't live together

Ffs read the post

Is he opposed to them coming around, or does he not want to be dealing with three additional kids?

I think what you’ve chosen to do for him is a separate issue tbh. He’s offered to pay you, so if you feel burdened by him either take the wage or stop. You do say that he does things for you in return, so your issue seems to be that he won’t do a specific thing in return. I think you’re unreasonable in that, as it is his house and he shouldn’t be expected to host extra people he’s uncomfortable with.

@PastaCheese hence why

I said "so he needs to treat you now the way you'd like to continue to be treated." Otherwise she might not move in at all. It sounds as if he's very controlling and would like to treat her as staff, he needs to chill, red flag