To think I should be able to have my family over?

[KiloWat]

I've been with my DP for 2 years, we still live separately, due to having children from previous relationships, but we hope to move in together and integrate into one another's lives soon.

DP has two businesses - one as an electrician and one as a pet boarder / kennels. He has the kennels on his land which is attached to his house. I have been working from home since the pandemic. As I work from home, I quite frequently manage the pet boarding whilst he is working. I only work part-time so it is easy to work around the animals care needs. Sometimes that will involve being around the animals from 7am - 10pm. I don't mind doing this as he does a lot for me in return, he has offered money in the past but I have always refused. At the moment he only has one dog boarding in the kennels, but even with the one dog, it means I cannot go out anywhere for more than a couple of hours. I do find looking after the animals (dog on this occasion) very restrictive and boring, I usually end up sitting around watching the TV for hours. I obviously can't do any of my normal chores at home (washing, cleaning etc) as I am stuck at my DP's house for the day.

As it is lovely weather today, I suggested to my brother that he come over for dinner with my SIL and their 3 children. The children aren't rambunctious or destructive, and I always clean up after myself, in fact I will quite often do chores for DP (like wash and dry his clothes) because I am bored! I would also buy all food and drink so they wouldn't be eating him out of house and home. The dog would also not be an issue with the children and family members, this dog has boarded many times in the kennels and been present at BBQs etc.

I asked DP if he minded them coming over and he said he'd rather they didn't. AIBU to think this is a little unreasonable, considering I am doing him quite a huge favour frequently? Or should I just suck it up as it is his house and ultimately, it's his decision who comes round.

Generally people do get to control who is welcome or not at their own house, yes. Based on that we’d all be classed as fucking controlling.

OP has the option of hosting her brother at her own house.

Why are you sitting there being his unpaid kennel helper?

Go to your own house and invite your family over. If he wants a kennel assistant he can hire one like everyone else. Women, contrary to some men's opinion, don't exist to provide unpaid labour to cheap men.

At the end of the day, the OP has been bending over backwards because she assumes they are a team, that they are a "we".

So she assumed that her boyfriend would welcome her to entertain guests at his home because what's mine is yours, what's yours is mine.

However it's become apparent the BF sees his house as very much his & is not comfortable with the OP acting as if she owns the place.

This makes her efforts to go overboard with supporting him seem shortsighted.

For what it's worth I think asking to entertain people at someone else's house to be rude in the extreme.

OP is working/helping at his place while he's earning elsewhere, she's saving him money and wants to have her brother over, it's hardly a Jubilee party and at his house, if he wants it to be their house it would be a good idea for him to change his behaviour because her family deserve to be welcome

100% agree.

100% Don't let your kids put up with this x

He doesn't want it to be their house

Hence why they've not moved in together at any point in the last 2 years

But there’s no suggestion that he does see it as ‘their’ house, given that they live separately.

him not wanting three extra children around when he’s not there doesn’t mean he doesn’t give back to OP either, it just means that he’s not willing to ‘give back’ in this specific way.

@whumpthereitis exactly! You're well within your rights to say no to having guests in your home you don't want.

She's accepted work for no pay, so why is she wanting to entertain people when she should be looking after the dogs?

Instead of entertaining she could be walking the dog, or playing with them for enrichment.

She's playing house, but forgetting it's HIS home & he has the right to not want a gathering held there when he's not present.

Many people are private about their homes & selective about who they allow to spend time there. Entertaining people or having your home used as the location for entertaining is a highly personal decision.

The fact OP feels she "should" have the right to host gatherings at his home indicates she sees her status more highly than he sees her.

How did he run the kennels before you were on the scene? He's being a massive arse and I'd stop being his unpaid skivvy

I wouldn't want strange children around if I ran a boarding kennel, just in case there's an incident whilst I'm not there.

One person I knew and trusted, fine, a bunch of kids - no, I'd really rather not.

There's one dog there. One.

Hope she goes to her own home and enjoys being there with her own kids, he needs a housekeeper

@saraclara OK & if that one dog bites a kid's finger because they slipped away for a minute (as kids are prone to do) and put their fingers in the kennel, what happens then?

Or if they unlocked the kennel & the dog runs away, what then?

If he is running a business imagine he has business insurance, but if he has left the business in charge of someone who isn't even an employee what happens then?

Too often it's the animals that pay for people's poor decision making.

The implications of having random kids running around a boarding kennel when the people who actually run the business aren't even there could be serious.

The OP seems to think it's all about playing house & entertaining.

I'd clarify if he'll take the same stance when you live together? Something worth finding out before moving in.

And I'd stop looking after the dogs, op. You're clearly bored and it's impacting your life now.

And? One dog can just as easily make for a public liability claim as five.

OP is driving the being at his house all day. He isn't making her do it. She won't even accept the payment he's offering.

There is a skewed dynamic here, but no evidence he's controlling OP.
Far more about - I suspect - OP being more into him than he is to her.
Why she is doing all this free labour, including childcare & laundry, for him is beyond me. I don't think it's going to get her the equitable cohabiting relationship she wants from him though.

I'm sorry OP but you're creating your own problems.

The solution here is to stop looking after the kennels all the time or get paid for your work. What happens if you say to your DP sorry I have plans next Tuesday and Wednesday to see some family and can't look after the Kennels?

If the answer is anything other than ok no problem then you're being a mug of your own making.

You don't become a team until both your names are on a marriage certificate. Until then you're more like a mug.

Do you value being able to invite who you want when you want? If so, reconsider moving in together - as he doesn’t seem to share the same outlook. Neither of you is wrong - just some people are more private. It could be that you come to a compromise and you give him notice of when you would like people over- but you need to discuss this.

if you find it boring, don’t help him with the kennels. He doesn’t seem to want to give you favours/flexibility in return (maybe he values privacy too much - and it’s not necessarily wrong) - but then you should just not do it for him as it’s hampering your quality of life.

Have you posted about him before OP, this scenario sounds familiar?
In any case you are being a total mug, giving up your time to support his business with no reward for yourself, you don't enjoy it and he's not paying you.

PP are correct that it's his house, but he's not really a partner is he, if you don't live together and you're not welcome to invite folk to his house despite doing him such a massive favour spending time there to facilitate his rather dodgy business.

Do the owners of these dogs know that he is not even there looking after the dog despite taking their money to care for it, it is totally unethical.

I think you need to reset your boundaries - what are you getting out of this relationship? You deserve to be an equal, not a skivvy.

You're out of order. You can't invite people to someone else's house.

Are you looking after pets on the days your kids are with their Dad? So you're basically using up any free time you have from the kids and work to sit in his house for free minding his business whilst he goes out and earns money for himself?

I can understand why he doesn't want his house invaded to a degree, but i think it doesn't reflect well on him that he knows you're willing to do something for free that you dislike (bored, stiffling), he lets you do it (its his business so his choice) for free and then he gets funny if you try to make ot slightly less onerous for yourself.

Is it because he head his children there and doesn’t want other people there?
otherwise if you’re that serious, I’d think his place is your second home kinda thing? So you inviting your family should not be met with objections?

Why’s he running these kennels in such a half-arsed way? It seems very odd that he has these two jobs running at the same time.