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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I should be able to have my family over?

139 replies

KiloWat · 11/08/2022 11:53

I've been with my DP for 2 years, we still live separately, due to having children from previous relationships, but we hope to move in together and integrate into one another's lives soon.

DP has two businesses - one as an electrician and one as a pet boarder / kennels. He has the kennels on his land which is attached to his house. I have been working from home since the pandemic. As I work from home, I quite frequently manage the pet boarding whilst he is working. I only work part-time so it is easy to work around the animals care needs. Sometimes that will involve being around the animals from 7am - 10pm. I don't mind doing this as he does a lot for me in return, he has offered money in the past but I have always refused. At the moment he only has one dog boarding in the kennels, but even with the one dog, it means I cannot go out anywhere for more than a couple of hours. I do find looking after the animals (dog on this occasion) very restrictive and boring, I usually end up sitting around watching the TV for hours. I obviously can't do any of my normal chores at home (washing, cleaning etc) as I am stuck at my DP's house for the day.

As it is lovely weather today, I suggested to my brother that he come over for dinner with my SIL and their 3 children. The children aren't rambunctious or destructive, and I always clean up after myself, in fact I will quite often do chores for DP (like wash and dry his clothes) because I am bored! I would also buy all food and drink so they wouldn't be eating him out of house and home. The dog would also not be an issue with the children and family members, this dog has boarded many times in the kennels and been present at BBQs etc.

I asked DP if he minded them coming over and he said he'd rather they didn't. AIBU to think this is a little unreasonable, considering I am doing him quite a huge favour frequently? Or should I just suck it up as it is his house and ultimately, it's his decision who comes round.

OP posts:
ChristmasFluff · 11/08/2022 18:54

OP, your partner does not see relationships as give and take, except in the sense that you give, and he takes. And you appear to agree with him.

When you put someone first, you teach them to put you last.

You can't watch his dogs because you have a life - I suggest you begin living it and stop arranging it around him and his wants and desires.

Neverendingmindfuck · 11/08/2022 19:33

It sounds to me like you've fallen into defined roles. You the 'care giver' and him the 'recipient '.
I am seeing traits of my former self (before I wised up) .
What would you be doing if you weren't stuck in his home looking after his boarding dogs all day?
If you weren't doing it who would be?
Are you qualified?
On the information you have provided, I don't think he is being unreasonable saying no to you inviting people to his house whilst he's not there.
You can, of course, advise him you will not be available to look after the dog as you will be at your house with your guests.
Going forward, I suggest you have some frank discussions about your roles and expectations if/when you move in together. Be very clear what you are willing to sacrifice to this relationship. Above all make sure that all the kids are on board too.

Isthisit22 · 11/08/2022 19:56

EmergencyHepNeeded · 11/08/2022 12:04

So it's his business and he gets the money but you do all the work? Are you mad?

This

wherearebeefandonioncrisps · 11/08/2022 20:30

Why are you often looking after his children if you're not living together as partners?

Shouldn't he be looking after them on his contact time?

Are his kennels properly registered and vetted? Is anyone qualified to look after the dogs?
Do they get any walks, cuddles, playing time ?
You say you're bored there and sit on your own watching tv for hours.
What's the ( current ) dog doing?

pinkyredrose · 12/08/2022 10:07

OP if you're bored take the dog for a walk or groom them or play with them.

Valeriekat · 13/08/2022 02:27

KiloWat · 11/08/2022 12:11

I guess because we have been together for 2 years, have serious plans to live with one another, have spent serious time with one another's families and children (I have looked after his children on many occasion too, whilst he's been working) that it feels like our relationship is serious enough to not see it as a big deal to have my family over at his house?

Don't live with him!!!!

NumberTheory · 13/08/2022 03:36

I think this thing with your brother should be a bit of a wake up call, OP.

Your BF doesn’t fee as comfortable with you in his house as you feel in it. You see it as a bit of a home from home, but he sees it as his home with you as a visitor. After two years and with all you do for him, this is a bit of a flag. Not necessarily a red flag, but an indicator you aren’t on the same page.

Also, you say he does plenty for you, but is it a restrictive, boring time sink for hours and hours? You are doing the grunt work for him, is that what he does for you? He’s offered to pay you and it sounds like it is more you pushing for you to do this (because you think this is a way to pay him back maybe?). Meanwhile, you’re only working part time and not building your own career and skill set. Are you hoping you will be so convenient and such a gap-filler he will see you as indispensable? I think this is a fairly typical way for women to see themselves in relation to men in our society. Men rarely think to offer to do something low skill and resistive for their partners again and again. But women end up cleaning, doing laundry, skivvying, thinking of it as caretaking and showing their love and expect their partners to be grateful and think of them as wonderful and indispensable. But it won’t be why he loves you. Even if he appreciates it a lot he won’t see it quite the way you do. And it can lead to a lot of mis-matched expectations and an unequal relationship.

Poppyblush · 13/08/2022 06:21

Where is he at night? What exactly does he do for you? You’re making a mistake with this man.

toomuchlaundry · 13/08/2022 06:31

Who did the looking after the dogs or DC before you came on the scene?

BruceAndNosh · 13/08/2022 06:45

SomethingNastyInTheBallPool · 11/08/2022 18:26

Why’s he running these kennels in such a half-arsed way? It seems very odd that he has these two jobs running at the same time.

A boarding kennel that has ONE dog in mid August doesn't sound very successful.
I normally book my dog in months in advance!

GCAcademic · 13/08/2022 06:47

SomethingNastyInTheBallPool · 11/08/2022 18:26

Why’s he running these kennels in such a half-arsed way? It seems very odd that he has these two jobs running at the same time.

This. I’d be furious if I’d sent my dog to a kennels and it turned out that it was being run this way.

Do his clients know, OP?

sweeetpotato · 13/08/2022 06:50

Scale back how much you help him.

Next time you want to make other plans I would would say

I won't be able to look after the kennels X day(s) as I'd like to spend time with my family.

To be honest I'd have done this immediately when he didn't give you permission to have family over.

Miserable twat, he's happy for you to look after his business but won't let you have relatives visit while you do him this huge favour on a regular basis.

whittingtonmum · 11/12/2022 15:58

As others have said stop volunteering for his business - especially as it's keeping you from seeing friends and family and doing something more productive with your time.

I think you might also want to take a second look at the relationship. I certainly would not move in with him any time soon.

jugglerofballs · 11/12/2022 16:03

ZOMBIE

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