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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL wants alone time with breastfed 3week old baby

158 replies

Ck2022 · 10/08/2022 19:10

MIL is annoyed and causing a fuss because she hasn't had alone with my 3week old baby. She hasn't looked after a baby since her youngest over 30 years ago, and even then she had a nanny she palmed her children off to. When she has been with DS all she does is shove her phone in his face to take pictures or facetime family and continually shout his name in his face. She won't change his nappy either.
How can I allow her to have alone time when she cannot feed him (he is BF and she has already had a go at me that he's not on bottles because she wants to feed him), she will not change his nappy and she does not keep him entertained.
AIBU to not give her alone time? I don't mind the odd half hour if I am in the house and DS can have a feed or nappy change if he needs it. But she wants me to leave DS with her for complete alone time.

OP posts:
TooHotToTangoToo · 11/08/2022 07:36

I'd just laugh and ask her, or FIL how she intends to feed him, or change his nappy. Just no, you don't even have to have a reason, if you don't want it to happen then don't do it

PersuasionPrimlyWatching · 11/08/2022 07:40

FizzyTango · 10/08/2022 19:12

Complete alone time is just weird, especially as she can meet basic needs. But even if she could, it's still just weird. Why do grandparents go crazy like this...Tell her to fuck off.

This. Print it and put it in her hand

Geranium1984 · 11/08/2022 07:51

What is she planning on doing in this alone time that she doesn't want to do when you're in the house 🧐

SnackSizeRaisin · 11/08/2022 07:52

Looking after him while you're in the shower or asleep is still alone time. I don't get why it matters what the mother is doing? The point is that the baby is unsupervised with MIL. Going from what you've said I wouldn't leave the baby with her for more than 5 minutes until much older, like 1 or 2 years old. You can reassess as you go along whether she calms down a bit and would actually be fine, or whether there are other concerns. To be honest I wouldn't leave a 3 week old with anyone unless the baby was asleep, unless it was necessary for their or my well being. Definitely not as a treat for grandma. They need mum and that's regardless of feeding method

clickychicky · 11/08/2022 07:54

Geranium1984 · 11/08/2022 07:51

What is she planning on doing in this alone time that she doesn't want to do when you're in the house 🧐

I wouldn't trust her with the baby alone until the child is old enough to run away at least

Thisbastardcomputer · 11/08/2022 08:12

As a mother in law I'd run a mile from alone time with a three week old baby, it's forty years since I had a new born.

SecondhandTable · 11/08/2022 08:14

YANBU about the alone time but YABU to say that she 'palmed off' her children on a nanny and to try and use that as a reason why she isn't fit to care for your child. You have some genuine reasons, there was no need to add that sarky comment.

k80pie · 11/08/2022 08:15

Why doesn't she want you around, is my question?! Bizarre! Don't be afraid to be firm. Actually, as previous posters said, get your DH to do it... and if she makes a fuss, maybe he can ask her 'why do you need to be alone with him?'

ApplesandBunions · 11/08/2022 08:19

Gymnopedie · 10/08/2022 21:29

It sounds great in theory, but there have been threads on here when the mum has done just that and come downstairs to find that grandma has taken the baby out in its pram to show off to her friends and didn't come back for over an hour.

The ones you leave baby with while you snooze/shower are the ones who don't go on demanding alone time.

Show quote history

Exactly. I was happy doing that with both DM and DMIL, and DF too actually, because they could all actually be trusted and none would ever have demanded alone time.

LittleGreenBeetle · 11/08/2022 08:20

She's being unreasonable - because of the food thing if nothing else. She can't feed him (good reason for you to persevere with exclusive breast feeding if you ask me!). She'd soon change her mind on this when he's hungry, missing his mum and won't stop crying!

if you're feeling kind maybe she could take him round the park in his buggy for 20 mins when he's just fed and settled. But don't let her pressurise you if you don't feel comfortable with it.

CornedBeef451 · 11/08/2022 08:26

Nope. Just nope.

Mad woman. No one needs alone time with a 3 week old except the parents. Tell her to sod off.

Tiani4 · 11/08/2022 08:31

"alone time" is something your MiL has made up

There's "visiting baby for a (quick) cuddle" whilst baby's parents are there. I'd remove my baby if someone sat him on their lap shouting his name at him repeatedly - babies ears are sensitive

There's also "caring for baby whilst parents have a short break"- MIL is unable to do that as she neglects him and never checks or changes his nappy and he needs to be near you as you ebf. So - no - no you never leave baby with her or when he's a toddler. No good parent would do that nor listen to this crazed MIL that has no understanding nor interest in baby's needs she's only interested in her own wants

She should not be pressuring you to stop Ebf - so she can give him a bottle. I can't believe she's even saying that out loud. That's selfish and outrageous . He's not a toy.

You absolutely need to shut her down

"That is not happening, stop asking or will ask you to go home early. I am mightily fed up with this topic, you are welcome to visit him here but there is no such thing as alone time, he's a baby not a toy"

"No, he is bf and it is very selfish and wrong of you to tell me to stop ebf just so you can play at feeding our baby son a bottle. Buy a doll if that's want you want. This is our baby son"

Tiani4 · 11/08/2022 08:37

deeperthanallroses · 11/08/2022 06:58

Fil can piss off too. Dh should ask his dad why he didn’t just tell mil she is being ridiculous and they won’t be allowed to see baby if they keep this up. Dh needs to tell her she won’t be allowed to visit if she doesn’t stop harassing you, and she doesn’t want to change a nappy there will be no alone time until baby is toilet trained at 3 at the earliest.

This ^^

But also you don't need to promise any "alone time" now or in the future to anyone nor even grandparents

You don't know how settled you child will be, how capable your PILs will be at the time to care for a lively escaping 3 year old. Just respond with "we'll decide / cross that bridge when we come to it. That's too far ahead. We're enjoying our newborn baby at the moment "

Minecraftatemychild · 11/08/2022 08:48

She’s mad and very disrespectful of your bond with the baby.

The baby will not want to be left alone with her.

LookItsMeAgain · 11/08/2022 08:57

Ck2022 · 10/08/2022 19:39

Wow, so many responses so quickly! Thank you!
MIL is always has been difficult to handle and very opinionated / interfering. Myself and DH tend to just leave her to rant, but now it's concerning DS I think things will have to change. FIL has spoken to DH about how much she has been complaining about not having this alone time and it is starting to annoying him.
And when I say entertaining a newborn I mean keeping him happy during awake periods. I know this isn't easy at this age but we tend to sing to him or use sensory toys. MIL just sits with him shouting his name in his face.
Thank you again for all the responses!
I'm an anxious first time mum who had a long journey to even get pregnant.

So FiL is her flying monkey here. Complaining to his son that his wife is complaining to him that she can't have any alone time with her exclusively bf grandson?
Your DH needs to say very clearly without any wiggle room for misinterpreting this: "Mum, you will not be having any 'alone time' whatever that is with our son. He is breastfed exclusively so Ck2022 is the only one who can feed him. You have said that you cannot or will not change a nappy so you can't help with that either. As our son is only 3 weeks old, it will be some time before we even consider leaving him 'alone' with anyone, not just you. I don't appreciate you trying to get around me by getting Dad to have a word with me about this. This is my son, my rules. When our son and we are ready, and only at that point will we consider leaving him with anyone. Let's leave it at that for the time being and just enjoy this time, together."

Perpop · 11/08/2022 09:09

Absolutely no.

GreyGoose1980 · 11/08/2022 09:30

My DD is older and combination fed and has not yet had complete alone time with anyone else apart from DP. Do not allow this OP.

zingally · 11/08/2022 10:28

Absolutely not! No way.

Calphurnia88 · 11/08/2022 14:59

Yeah alone time isn't really a thing with a three week old, especially if you're unable to feed them or refuse to change their nappy.

Do you know why it's so important to her that she have this time alone? That is what would bother me, what it is that she would want to do that she can't do with me or my partner there (and I don't mean that in a nefarious way, although I would be concerned about basic safety if she doesn't see any issues with babysitting when she can't feed or change him).

I found when my LO was first born there were A LOT of offers to babysit, but these soon dried up when the reality of caring for a baby hit them (it's not all cuddles and smiles...).

Rowen32 · 11/08/2022 21:03

Ck2022 · 10/08/2022 19:10

MIL is annoyed and causing a fuss because she hasn't had alone with my 3week old baby. She hasn't looked after a baby since her youngest over 30 years ago, and even then she had a nanny she palmed her children off to. When she has been with DS all she does is shove her phone in his face to take pictures or facetime family and continually shout his name in his face. She won't change his nappy either.
How can I allow her to have alone time when she cannot feed him (he is BF and she has already had a go at me that he's not on bottles because she wants to feed him), she will not change his nappy and she does not keep him entertained.
AIBU to not give her alone time? I don't mind the odd half hour if I am in the house and DS can have a feed or nappy change if he needs it. But she wants me to leave DS with her for complete alone time.

She absolutely can't have it, end of xx
I hate these ridiculous demands and feelings of entitlement some people have around new babies - I always say, no, you had your turn.
Stay strong OP and enjoy this time, don't give her another thought, you want to look back at these moments with joy and not feel like she took from them x

nildesparandum · 11/08/2022 22:58

BreadinCaptivity
I wish I had had your lovely relatives when I had both of my now grown children.
My mother was conspicuous by her absence and MIL only came when she felt like it.They are really great people.
Mumsgirls
I could have done with you as well!

micheleleetaylor · 13/08/2022 07:09

My question is, who are the other 17 people besides MIL that think OP is unreasonable....? 2%, really? What would you have her do? Have her baby starve in a wet diaper while mil breaks about how cute he is to friends on facetime? And if she's anything like my mother she'll act the martyr while she's "watching" him for you.

Calphurnia88 · 13/08/2022 14:37

micheleleetaylor · 13/08/2022 07:09

My question is, who are the other 17 people besides MIL that think OP is unreasonable....? 2%, really? What would you have her do? Have her baby starve in a wet diaper while mil breaks about how cute he is to friends on facetime? And if she's anything like my mother she'll act the martyr while she's "watching" him for you.

There are a lot of entitled grannies on Mumsnet.

(Cue pitchforks).

Marvellousmadness · 13/08/2022 14:57

Tell her to fuck the fuck off
Youe baby is 3 weeks
Doesnt matter if the baby is breastfeeding or not

Tell her that you won't be willing to let her have the baby for a few hours until she is 9 months old or whatever .
Make it very clear . She needs to back up

VestaTilley · 13/08/2022 14:59

Say no. And keep saying it until she gets the message.

She sounds narcissistic and a weirdo - no such young baby should be away from their mother for any length of time, particularly if they’re BF.

Get DH to back you up. Do not give in.