MIL wants alone time with breastfed 3week old baby

[Ck2022]

MIL is annoyed and causing a fuss because she hasn't had alone with my 3week old baby. She hasn't looked after a baby since her youngest over 30 years ago, and even then she had a nanny she palmed her children off to. When she has been with DS all she does is shove her phone in his face to take pictures or facetime family and continually shout his name in his face. She won't change his nappy either.
How can I allow her to have alone time when she cannot feed him (he is BF and she has already had a go at me that he's not on bottles because she wants to feed him), she will not change his nappy and she does not keep him entertained.
AIBU to not give her alone time? I don't mind the odd half hour if I am in the house and DS can have a feed or nappy change if he needs it. But she wants me to leave DS with her for complete alone time.

As I begin to slowly approach being closer in age to MILs than new Mums, I wonder what sort of metamorphosis is going to happen, to evolve me from a normal person into the psychotic, selfish, unreasonable weirdo you so often see described on here.

But then I cop myself on and realise not all MILs are like this (mine a case in point), and hope that such a transition is not in my future.

OP - your MIL is being so unreasonable, it’s unreal.

You politely, but firmly tell her that alone time won’t be happening yet, that DS needs his Mum right now, and his needs (not batshit hers - although I suggest you leave that out), are, I’m sure, all of our priority right now.

And then change the subject.

And then every time she brings it up, a simple ‘we’ve already discussed this, and the (not ‘my’) position hasn’t changed’.

Change the subject. Ad infinitum.

The only person a breastfed 3 week old baby needs is is with its mother.

As a very much hands on Grandma of 8 I’d encourage you to just say “it will be quite some time before that will happen as I intend to breast feed for quite some time and I’d appreciate the subject not being brought up again anytime soon.”

Nope - baby is not a toy, she is being ridiculous.

Why on earth does she want them alone? That seems a bit weird and creepy.

"I'm not ready for that MIL" on repeat. Or, "he's not ready for that MIL".

The fact she is insisting for it so much would make me wonder what she's going to get up to. Is she going to cut his hair or something. All very strange.

I doubt it very much.

This is so weird. I’ve only ever heard of this on mumsnet. Honestly if my MIL (or anyone!) actually said to me, out loud, to my face ‘I want to be alone with your baby’ I’d be so perturbed and can only think my response would be along the lines of ‘What the fuck? That’s really weird and intense. Why??’ I just can’t imagine how these conversations actually go!

Why on Earth does she need alone time with him? If she refuses to change his nappy and he’s breastfed then she absolutely cannot have alone time with him as she can’t meet his basic needs.

Your DH needs to have one conversation with both of his parents.

He could be very mean and tell them that their behaviour is making him anxious, is beginning to take the joy of of his being a father - maybe he could just imagine that one next time his mother goes off on one.

But he really could tell them that their behaviour is odd and they need to reassess before they make him very sad and very angry with them.

All about him and their relationship with him...

Because his mum is being really weird and his dad seems bloody spineless.

This is for her benefit and not your newborn's. Nor yours actually. Stupid idea. Just say no!

This was my MIL. I remember joking that baby would be fine until he was hungry. She smiled and said "Oh I'd just give him a bottle."

This was an exclusively breastfed baby who was super attached to me.

Needless to say she didn't get "alone time" and her comments meant that I wasn't comfortable leaving baby with her until they were a LOT bigger (old enough to crawl/walk/talk) bigger.

That didn't mean she didn't ever see him. Just not alone

Another weird grandmother thread. What is wrong with these women?

She’s an actual idiot who has forgotten how often newborns poo and feed.
Anyone telling a breastfeeding mum of a newborn that she should use bottles so other people can feed the baby should be told to fuck off. Newborn mammals in species that carry their babies around are basically an extension of their mother.

This sounds so strange, are you sure she demanded you leave your baby with her? Perhaps it was all misinterpreted and she just wants to help/be included? Maybe suggest she comes to your house to have a bit of alone time while you have a shower, nap etc? A rest will do you good after having a baby 🙂 and congratulations

My own mum absolutely adores babies, had cared for two before she had her own kids and was a childcare professional for decades. She will happily change a nappy and is amazing with babies. She would still never in a million years have asked my SIL for ‘time alone’ with her grandkids when they were three weeks old!! She absolutely loved a cuddle with them but she didn’t try to, you know, actually steal them.

Even with a lovely and capable MIL and a bottle fed baby you are perfectly and utterly entitled to say no to looking after YOUR baby. Such a little newborn too! Mothers and newborns belong together and actually need each other. The baby only really knows you and you provide warmth, comfort, safety and nutrition.

My 2 year old 'baby' has so far spent 1 night away from me with her grandparents and that's perfectly fine. There will be plenty of time for sleepovers later on.

Just say no and feel no guilt about it.

Google the fourth trimester. This period is so important for you and baby and so special.

MIL is bang out of order, but if she's really into bottle feeding she probably doesn't realise how often many EBF babies feed and poo.

When one of mine stopped formula tops ups she slept much less, pooed round the clock rather than once a day, I'd maintained on demand breastfeeding but my friend who FF at the same time had a routine for bottles.

Either way she can whinge all she likes, it's entirely inappropriate and shouldn't be entertained.

If she was helpful with changing a nappy then I’d jump at the chance but since she’s refusing then seems silly as she won’t be meeting his needs.
She seems very excited about being a gran which is great but too much for you too soon.
My dd is 16 weeks now, at 3 weeks my mum was taking her for an hour just so I could have a break but she was changing nappies and helped bottle feed my breast fed baby so it worked to give me a chance to rest.
Either your dh speaks to his mum or you honestly say you’re not ready for that. You’re happy for her to come over and sit whilst you have a bath/ shower or rest for a little bit but whilst baby is solely breastfed then no she can’t have full alone time.

Just no

You are bf your baby so she can't

Yes! It's so confusing and a little unnerving imo. It is just so bizarre.

My mum and my MIL adore my baby boy, they worship the ground he walks on! But he's 9 months old and there never once has been even a suggestion that either of them wants to spend time alone with him without me there. It's just such an odd thing to specifically want. Why do you actively not want the child's mother there? What difference does it make? It's like they want time alone to play mum again and imagine that the baby's mother doesn't exist... so very creepy

I vote for option 2

He’s your baby not a toy… she doesn’t get a ‘turn’.

Honestly, set strong boundaries now. Otherwise you’re in for years of her thinking she should get whatever she wants and sulking when she doesn’t get her own way.