MIL wants alone time with breastfed 3week old baby

[Ck2022]

MIL is annoyed and causing a fuss because she hasn't had alone with my 3week old baby. She hasn't looked after a baby since her youngest over 30 years ago, and even then she had a nanny she palmed her children off to. When she has been with DS all she does is shove her phone in his face to take pictures or facetime family and continually shout his name in his face. She won't change his nappy either.
How can I allow her to have alone time when she cannot feed him (he is BF and she has already had a go at me that he's not on bottles because she wants to feed him), she will not change his nappy and she does not keep him entertained.
AIBU to not give her alone time? I don't mind the odd half hour if I am in the house and DS can have a feed or nappy change if he needs it. But she wants me to leave DS with her for complete alone time.

Ugh gives me shivers reading this. Had a v similar situation when my first was born. MIL was being so selfish and so pushy that it just drove us further and further away from ever having her involved. They see their grandkids often but they’re not involved in any way to mind my children. I just found them so overbearing and had to keep them at arms length. It’s sad really as we do get on very well but I would advise to trust your own instincts as a mother and take your time, make sure you are fully comfortable with when you leave him and with whom.., it is YOUR son. Not hers. She had plenty of alone time with her own children. And also I really hope your DH is supportive of you. Mine is and I love him for supporting me and not pandering to her. She even tried to make us change our minds when we had chosen our first DC’s name… as the one we chose didn’t fit with her DC’s names!!!! Crazy crazy crazy!!! She has kept ALL of her DC’s clothes (30 plus years) and toys and tries to force them on me to use on my kids… it’s like she wants to relive it all or something. It’s just so weird. Shudder!

“Give me a shout the moment you start lactating and I’ll hand him over”

Is she always a twat?

She probably feels remorseful that she's palmed her own DCs to nannies, so now think she's going to compensate. Just say a firm NO. She is not entitled to your baby.

It sounds great in theory, but there have been threads on here when the mum has done just that and come downstairs to find that grandma has taken the baby out in its pram to show off to her friends and didn't come back for over an hour.

The ones you leave baby with while you snooze/shower are the ones who don't go on demanding alone time.

god this gives me flashbacks to my MIL - she constantly complained to my husband that I wasn't 'sharing' DD1. From the first time they visited - when she was less than a week old, she was suggesting we go to a hotel and leave them at home with the baby so she could have her alone time with her. I was hormonal and horrified and actually felt really threatened by it, not rational really, but it felt so odd and intense and like she just wanted to pretend I didn't exist and that she was the mum. It gave me the absolute shudders. She also complained that I breastfed as it was selfish, and opened all my new baby gifts that arrived when she was at our house while I was having a bath and nap (leaving DD with my husband and his parents). She was fucking crazy looking back, but I just felt so vulnerable and DH just sort of rolled his eyes in a 'what is she like?' way and never tackled it which led to a lot of resentment (making me angry just remembering it actually!). I never let her have my children alone until they were much older, older than they would've been if it hadn't worried me why she was so obsessed with getting me out the picture. But then she did all the stuff like dressing them up in fairy outfits and posting pictures to social media about her little fairies etc. I feel your pain OP, I hope your husband is more proactive than mine and firmly tells her to back off and have some bloody empathy.

I wouldn't offer to let her mind the baby while you get a shower, etc. She sounds so obsessed right now that I wouldn't put it past her to take the baby out of the house.

@guestpass I had a relative a bit like that! We are no longer in contact but when we were it was awful. Even though she was the baby's great aunt she decided she was to be called 'grandma' and constantly referred to my child as her 'grandson'. It was weird. If I referred to my husband and son as my family she'd hit the roof - endless 'what about me, aren't I family?!' etc. She was forever criticising my parenting and always wanted to do things that didn't have my baby's welfare at heart which obviously I didn't allow but then she'd turn it into a horrible argument every time. It was exhausting.

When my baby was 5 months old she wanted a photo with him outside even though it was horrible and stormy outside and I was certain he'd scream. She took great offence to me 'robbing her of her photo opportunity' and was mad at me over this one thing for five months. So bloody glad I don't have to worry about her craziness anymore!

Um no! Your there mum so you have every right to say no YOU are in charge. And never feel bad for saying no something I learnt. Always to your baby and yourself first ❤️

No YANBU ffs! She’ll probably give him a bottle behind your back or something.

She’s had her baby so that’s that. Alone time with newborns is for parents and no int else.
she’s weird. I wouldn’t trust her actually.

Posters saying oh maybe mil could have baby while you have a "lovely sleep or bath"... not with a MIL like this. You'd be on edge the whole time. Also you don't need to make allowances or concessions for other people at this stage - you don't need to allow them a "turn", or allow a bottle so they can "bond" or go for a nap without your baby leaving them with Mil if you don't want to. Stick to your guns.

Why are you dealing with this?
say NO and let your husband deal with it

Many congrats OP, YANBU, baby is very little and needs to be with you, you and DH/DP need to make that quite clear. Put the boundaries in place now, it your baby not hers.

No more invitations for MIL – or FIL, who seems to be backing up this insanity – until she pipes down and stops being WEIRD. Stop inviting her over, keep your doors locked, remove her key if she has one, don’t go over there. Don’t answer phone or messages: let DH talk to her and when he does, the conversation remains the same: “you can come and visit the baby when you stop harassing us about bottles and alone time, and stop shouting in his face. Can you do that?”

Fil can piss off too. Dh should ask his dad why he didn’t just tell mil she is being ridiculous and they won’t be allowed to see baby if they keep this up. Dh needs to tell her she won’t be allowed to visit if she doesn’t stop harassing you, and she doesn’t want to change a nappy there will be no alone time until baby is toilet trained at 3 at the earliest.

I don't like when people say this and add the caveat"My very long awaited baby" does that mean your bond was stronger than an accidentally concieved baby?

FIL has spoken to DH about how much she has been complaining about not having this alone time and it is starting to annoying him.

I hope your DH has pointed out that it's up to FIL to inject a dose of reality?

Surely if she wants alone time then changing nappies is the way forward. My mil was always really keen to change nappies for this reason but also because she’s super helpful DH and I used to properly giggle about it. It was great tbh 🤷🏻‍♀️

In terms of feeding it isn’t great to pass newborns around to everyone even if they are bottle fed. Mine didn’t feed properly with other people certainly till they were a bit older anyway.

@Charlavail - Surely it can’t be that hard for you to imagine that a mother who has suffered losses and infertility is likely to have higher levels of anxiety than mothers who didn’t go lose babies first? Nothing to do with having a “better bond” is it?

*go through that or

That would be a big fat NO from me.

Even if he wasn't EBF OP doesn't have to feel obliged to give her "alone time" (creepy af).

What is wrong with some people ? Demanding stuff ! What is she going to do with him when you aren't there ? So weird !

Just say no thank you , maybe when he is older !

No way should you leave your baby with her.
And fil telling your dh is just pressuring which is as bad. What vile people to pressure you and dh like this.

Don't feel bad for saying no, say no it won't happen for a long time to keep her from keep asking. Lots of us have been through this- my dmil also didn't like me bf and convinced dh bf was so bad for baby as good parents 'see' what baby has! I stuck to my guns and told her I like baby being with me and have no intention to leave baby anywhere. Thankfully it worked but she wasn't happy!