To just not want to be friends with this woman?

[Pckitin]

My husband has children with his ex girlfriend, we have been together for 5 years now, married for 2 and I get on with DSC very well. They are 9 and 11. We also have DC together.

My husband's ex is okay... She's not the worst but there have been times when I've been a bit at the things she's done or said to DH. We've always been civil face to face and I've never spoken to her directly as I've not felt any need and seemingly neither has she until now.

My husband told me yesterday that she has requested my telephone number and suggested via him that maybe we should get together sometime for a drink.

I'm actually a bit taken aback as she's not really expressed any desire like this in the past. We've been civil as I say, we've had brief pleasant conversations at events like birthday parties or pick up but that's it.

I don't want to sound petty but my immediate response is no. Apparently the telephone number thing was said with the excuse that I look after DSC sometimes so she should be able to contact me. And the drink thing... Who knows the motivation.

Firstly, if there is a problem she can contact my husband who can contact me and secondly DSC has a phone so not really any need for her to need my number imo. I don't want this being open to requests or questions etc .. anything I do to help my husband out with childcare (not that regular) is between me and him and I've no desire to be contactable by her when she maybe needs something. I'm not part of their co parenting arrangements.

But most importantly, I just have no desire to be friends with this woman. I don't want to go for drinks or to discuss my life with her, the way things are now is fine with me. Everyone rubs along okay for the most part and, as I say, there have been times where I've found her behaviour questionable and she just isn't someone I want to be particularly friendly with.

What say you MN?

I never had anything to do with my partner's ex wife. If there were issues with their daughter he sorted it. I once had to await a call from her to give her measurements over the phone for a costume and she withheld the number...as if I was ever interested in her number? Twat.

So I agree with you. I wouldn't waste my time.

Could there be something specific she wants to talk to you about directly, rather than wanting to strike up a friendship?

No idea but I'm not really interested. Anything she has to say she can surely say to DH as her children's father.

I think everything you stated in your OP is completely reasonable!

I would ask dh to not give the number and if needed for him to tell her that you are happy with the current arrangement.

Life's too short to be spending precious child free time with people you don't want to be with😄.

Keeping things the way they are usually works best if it's going well. I wouldn't want to get too involved in her life or vice versa if I was you and I've been in the same situation. You don't want to end up in situations where you get dragged in to arguments as her friend against your DH. Besides, does your DH actually want you to be friends?

YANBU. Wanting a contact number for anyone who is looking after your DC is not unreasonable IMO, but the request to meet for drinks is just weird!! I wouldn't trust her as far as I could throw her.

It can only help the DSC if you are all in touch with each other. Maybe give this drink thing a try. You don's have much to lose. If you really don't like her, no need to say her again.

Well, I think it's weird that you don't already have each other's numbers - I like to have the phone number of anyone who might be in sole charge of my children at any time and I like to know they have my number.

But it's weird to suddenly want to be your friend. The only thing I can think of is that are the DC at the age where they are pushing for this?

Then it looks weird if you won't go for drinks again a second time if she asks. Could cause drama where none needs to be?

How strange. Why on earth would she want to go for a drink with you, or think that you’d want to go for a drink with her?

I think if she’d just asked for your number in case she needs it in an emergency that would make sense, but I’d be a bit reluctant to give it to her if she’s going to start contacting you socially.

I would keep things as they are, you don't want to get into discussions about why she and your dh split up, which is a possibility.

Not everybody has a hidden agenda, you sound a bit paranoid. If you don't want to be friends that's completely understandable, but perhaps she just wants to get to know you a bit better since like it or not (and sounds like you're definitely erring on the side of not) she and her children are going to be a part of your life for quite a while.

I would not go for a drink with DHs ex and i don’t speak to her outside of briefly at handover although i don’t often go to that either.
somehow we do both have each other’s phone numbers and I think it was because she wanted to have mine in case of a similar thing and my attitude was that I’d agree as I was fairly sure she’d never actually contact me. So far she hasn’t really and her having my number was just to keep her happy really.
If I was you I’d probably say yes and if she asks to meet up then just never quite commit to it but that’s based on my experience with the ex of avoiding confrontation and letting her forget about something.
If you really don’t want to give it there’s nothing wrong with saying that she can contact her child or your DH when you’re with the children and ignore the drink aspect

I wouldn't say not. I've always been nothing but polite, never been hostile toward her ever. Just maintained what felt like a comfortable distance. At the end of the day, children or not, she is the ex girlfriend of my husband, I think it's quite normal not to want to be super involved with an ex of your husband.

I appreciate she's in my life due to the children and that's why I've always been civil and never gotten involved in any arguments or anything.

I just think maintaining a distance stops there being room for unnecessary drama.

And I sound paranoid because it's completely out of the blue!

She's asked for your phone number, not matching BFF tattoos 🙄 as a long term partner of your oh you are a step mother, the kids are a responsibility for you too and does make you part of their co-parenting surely? All parents (biological and not) should be able to contact each other for the sake of the children. Maybe you don't want to go for a drink with her and that's fine, but I would assume there is something specific to discuss. Do you have a step daughter that could be starting periods soon for example? Maybe she is worried she would start at your house and be too nervous to speak to your oh about it. Tbh I think in this scenario assuming that she wants to be besties is a bit of a leap

I agree with you. If things are ticking along, there's no need to have a relationship with her. The last thing you would want is for her to be involving you in childcare arrangements, calling you about any communication issues with your dh, getting involved in your home life etc. I would also be a bit as to what's suddenly brought this on. I would keep her as you currently are.

I would meet for a coffee, what harm would it do? . If someone else was looking after your children and staying in their home would you not want to have met them? As a parent who had to go through divorce and my ExH not allowing any contact with his GF ( who would collect my children from the house ) I can honestly say that it was upsetting to not know anything about this woman. The woman who would be feeding my children and putting them to bed( Ex is useless ) . All I wanted was a conversation to put my mind at ease. I would give her the benefit of the doubt

YANBU. I would feel the same. No need to be best buds with her and it has the potential to cause drama further down the line.

I would meet her for a drink - it doesn't mean you have to commit to being friends with her!

Perhaps she just likes you and wants you as a friend. Sure, she may have some shady ulterior motive, and you can obviously choose how much info you share with her.

But she might just like you, which is flattering. She might have heard nice things about you from the DSC and might genuinely want to get to know you. It doesn't mean you have to like her, but it might be nice to have a quick drink with her in case she is being genuine, not least as you're presumably both very important people to your mutual DCs.

You both liked the same man, chances are there are other things you have in common. What harm will a coffee do?

Maybe too she has something to tell you that she doesn’t want to discuss via your OH .

While YANBU to feel that way, if it were me I would go for a coffee with her out of kindness and co-parent relationship building for the DSC. It's not much to ask.

You don't have to be best mates and who knows, you might get something positive out of it. If not, don't do it again. It's one coffee.

Perhaps the children suggested it as they like you both?

Maybe too she has something to tell you that she doesn’t want to discuss via your OH

If it is something like this I have even less desire to do it to be honest. I don't want to be discussing things with her that my husband doesn't know about. That makes things awkward for me and him and he's obviously my priority out of the two.

No DSDs so not period related.

Perhaps she just likes you and wants you as a friend

Whilst that may be so, I don't want the same. It has the potential to cause drama in my marriage imo and is not something I think is worth it.

All I wanted was a conversation to put my mind at ease

She's met me before and we have spoken before.

To me it makes sense she might want the contact details of someone looking after her children. She might want a friendly civil relationship with someone who is clearly a significant presence in her Dcs life. Unless there is something else going on then it may be nothing more than that. And rather healthy for all the adults to get along as well.