Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To just not want to be friends with this woman?

130 replies

Pckitin · 10/08/2022 13:27

My husband has children with his ex girlfriend, we have been together for 5 years now, married for 2 and I get on with DSC very well. They are 9 and 11. We also have DC together.

My husband's ex is okay... She's not the worst but there have been times when I've been a bit Hmm at the things she's done or said to DH. We've always been civil face to face and I've never spoken to her directly as I've not felt any need and seemingly neither has she until now.

My husband told me yesterday that she has requested my telephone number and suggested via him that maybe we should get together sometime for a drink.

I'm actually a bit taken aback as she's not really expressed any desire like this in the past. We've been civil as I say, we've had brief pleasant conversations at events like birthday parties or pick up but that's it.

I don't want to sound petty but my immediate response is no. Apparently the telephone number thing was said with the excuse that I look after DSC sometimes so she should be able to contact me. And the drink thing... Who knows the motivation.

Firstly, if there is a problem she can contact my husband who can contact me and secondly DSC has a phone so not really any need for her to need my number imo. I don't want this being open to requests or questions etc .. anything I do to help my husband out with childcare (not that regular) is between me and him and I've no desire to be contactable by her when she maybe needs something. I'm not part of their co parenting arrangements.

But most importantly, I just have no desire to be friends with this woman. I don't want to go for drinks or to discuss my life with her, the way things are now is fine with me. Everyone rubs along okay for the most part and, as I say, there have been times where I've found her behaviour questionable and she just isn't someone I want to be particularly friendly with.

What say you MN?

OP posts:
TabithaTittlemouse · 10/08/2022 14:11

It’s weird after all of this time. If you were newly involved then maybe you could argue that she would be curious about you but not now.

Has anything happened recently that may give her reason for this? One of the dsc having trouble at school, a health issue etc?

LonginesPrime · 10/08/2022 14:14

Whilst that may be so, I don't want the same. It has the potential to cause drama in my marriage imo and is not something I think is worth it.

So just say you're too busy. Or be more blunt if you like.

You don't have to meet her if you don't want to, but all anyone on here can do is speculate based on our own experience, which has nothing to do with her motives or your relationship with her.

YWNBU to decline, but she's the only one who can shed light on the mystery of why now, and why at all, so if you're that curious, there's only one thing for it...

SavingsThreads · 10/08/2022 14:14

She's met me before and we have spoken before.

I thought you'd never spoke directly?

I get why you're uncomfy with it but if it were me I'd do it. I think there's more to lose by saying no than there is to lose by saying yes.

I'd suggest a coffee, maybe she could come over or you go there when the step kids are there too?

Original poster
Pckitin · 10/08/2022 14:17

SavingsThreads · 10/08/2022 14:14

She's met me before and we have spoken before.

I thought you'd never spoke directly?

I get why you're uncomfy with it but if it were me I'd do it. I think there's more to lose by saying no than there is to lose by saying yes.

I'd suggest a coffee, maybe she could come over or you go there when the step kids are there too?

Sorry when I said spoken directly I meant outside of civil chatter when we're face to face. She's never contacted me directly and nor me her iyswim.

OP posts:
MintJulia · 10/08/2022 14:22

I'm with you OP. My ex's new woman tried the same. I'm not interested either

She's 10 years older, lives 85 miles away and we have nothing in common, so there's nothing needs saying. She went through a stage of leaving notes in my ds's clothes when he came home from his dad's, which felt intrusive and I ignored.

Ex and I co-parent our DS perfectly amicably so no need for me to have any contact with her at all.

YANBU

georgarina · 10/08/2022 14:27

She might want to be friendly.
You don't want to be friendly.
Which is fine, but I don't really get why you're acting like 'having no desire to be friends with this woman' is some kind of badge of honour.

Original poster
Pckitin · 10/08/2022 14:29

georgarina · 10/08/2022 14:27

She might want to be friendly.
You don't want to be friendly.
Which is fine, but I don't really get why you're acting like 'having no desire to be friends with this woman' is some kind of badge of honour.

No idea what you mean by this. Me saying I don't want to be friends with her is not acting like a badge of anything, it's just stating a fact Confused

OP posts:
Thepeopleversuswork · 10/08/2022 14:38

My mum and my dad's first wife periodically met up on their own.

My dad left his first wife for my mum and there was a period of predictable ill will and chaos (which I won't minimise) with his sons understandably feeling upset and aggrieved. After the dust settled his sons from that marriage came to live with us (about four years after the split) and the ex contacted my mum to suggest going for a drink to put the relationship on a better footing.

It actually was very helpful. They got a lot of stuff out in the open and were able to agree terms for how the sons would live with us (I was a toddler at the time but was told about this later).

Over time my mum and the ex became reasonably cordial. There was never a pretence that they were going to be friends in their own right but it became a perfectly workable relationship and they occasionally would have coffee or a drink together as part of broader family events. I'm sure it sent a positive signal to her kids that they were able to work together.

I can totally understand why you wouldn't want to be her friend but I wouldn't rule out going for a drink. You may find it helpful. You'd be surprised how much perceptions of people can change after the wounds have healed as well.

Lachimolala · 10/08/2022 14:38

I really disliked my SD mum when I was with her dad, I would still meet for coffee every once in a while. I didn’t particularly want to but SD seemed to be the one wanting it and she thrived from seeing us all be kind and having conversations etc.

Could this be driven by the SC?

That being said you don’t have to and you wouldn’t BU to not meet from the drink.

She should definitely have your phone number and vice versa though, that’s a pretty reasonable request.

Sunnyqueen · 10/08/2022 14:42

Maybe she just wants to get to know the person who spends so much time with her children? I dont think thats strange and if you all get on generally what's the harm? Its a drink not a marriage proposal, I'd go for just curiosities sake, she might have something specific she wants to talk to you about.

phishy · 10/08/2022 14:45

Call me cynical but I do think she plans to use your for childcare.

She sees you helping DH and thinks you should be doing the same for her as they’re the same dc.

Wannago · 10/08/2022 14:50

I tend to agree with you about the coffee situation - seems a bit weird - but I probably would want her number. What if there was some emergency (eg DH heart attack) while the DSC were at yours? Would you be wanting the DSC to be making the call "Daddy has had a heart attack you need to pick us up urgently"? I would at least want the option of making an adult to adult call without involving them.

But I would want it only to be used in that situation - and the request for coffee would really put me off.

Endlesslypatient82 · 10/08/2022 14:52

How often do you have the children Op?

have you ever met her before?

Nyfluff · 10/08/2022 14:53

I don't think it's too strange. If you've no insecurities about your relationship with your husband and everything is open then I don't see why it would have cause drama. It's normal to want the number of DC step parent, especially in case of emergencies. Presumably they spend time around you when your DH is not always there. Perhaps one of the kids is unhappy about something and she wants to talk to you about it one to one and not through your DH. Not only are they ex's for a reason but maybe she's being respectful by going to you first if the issue involves you, or maybe she thinks you could handle it better with your DH.

10HailMarys · 10/08/2022 14:54

If her kids are sometimes in your care then I think it's absolutely reasonable for her to have your phone number.

I understand why you think it would be weird to be 'friends' with her, but I actually doubt she has any ulterior motive. I can imagine that someone might easily think 'Pckitin's been in the kids' lives for years now and she seems lovely but I don't really know that much about her - we should go for a drink one day and have a good old chat, I bet we've actually got loads in common' and as for it being out of the blue, I presume that's just because time is a great healer and it doesn't feel awkward for her any more. Although apparently it does for you.

Obviously you don't have to socialise with her if it makes you feel weird, that's fine. But I don't think it's strange that she's asked and I think your suspicions are quite intense and it is very obvious that even if it's only subconscious, you do have a lot of issues with her. Even the way you call her 'this woman' in your post title suggests that you really do resent her quite a lot; that's a very huffy and dismissive way to describe the mother of your stepkids.

Endlesslypatient82 · 10/08/2022 14:54

DH. We've always been civil face to face and I've never spoken to her directly as I've not felt any need and seemingly neither has she until now.

confused . When you met face to face, you have not communicated directly with each other?

Endlesslypatient82 · 10/08/2022 14:55

The not having her number…. Seriously, I would thought you’d want her to in the event something happens to their father

picklemewalnuts · 10/08/2022 15:01

How about arranging to meet her, but not exchanging numbers?

You could explain you really want good boundaries around the children, that it's really important that her role as their mum, and your husband's as their dad is the priority.
That you don't want any misunderstandings about who is responsible for them when, and what your role in their life is.

You could say you know things can go badly wrong when step mums overstep, or families lose sight of who's who, and you just want to be careful there's no confusion.

You could say 'It's nothing personal, it just feels really weird to get chatty with his ex'.

The thing is, I have hardly any exes. I never, ever run into one. It would be a big deal. My neighbour might have hundreds and be really relaxed about bumping into a few at the supermarket.

Everyone is different. That's fine. She may understand if you explain.

Endlesslypatient82 · 10/08/2022 15:05

picklemewalnuts · 10/08/2022 15:01

How about arranging to meet her, but not exchanging numbers?

You could explain you really want good boundaries around the children, that it's really important that her role as their mum, and your husband's as their dad is the priority.
That you don't want any misunderstandings about who is responsible for them when, and what your role in their life is.

You could say you know things can go badly wrong when step mums overstep, or families lose sight of who's who, and you just want to be careful there's no confusion.

You could say 'It's nothing personal, it just feels really weird to get chatty with his ex'.

The thing is, I have hardly any exes. I never, ever run into one. It would be a big deal. My neighbour might have hundreds and be really relaxed about bumping into a few at the supermarket.

Everyone is different. That's fine. She may understand if you explain.

Why not the number?

Say DH had a serious accident / injury, and children with the op - how would the op contact her?

Badromancer · 10/08/2022 15:06

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at poster's request

Original poster
Pckitin · 10/08/2022 15:09

Would you be wanting the DSC to be making the call "Daddy has had a heart attack you need to pick us up urgently"

No obviously not but they have her number and I can get it from them or use their phone if necessary.

it is very obvious that even if it's only subconscious, you do have a lot of issues with her

I do have some issues with her yes. I don't like the way she's behaved toward my husband in the past and things he's told me about their marriage (I appreciate there are two sides to everything but as I'm married to my husband I don't really have any interest in hers). I've always been civil and never gotten in the way of their parenting relationship as I respect that they have children but do I like her and want to be friends or even semi friends? No not particularly.

With the number thing, the main reason I don't want her to have it is I don't want there to be any invitation for her starting to bother me about arrangements or for help. She is always looking to swap and change things and for help off DH. She has said things in the past like 'can Pck not do it?' if he's said no. I obviously don't know she'd use it for that but I'd rather not find out! If that did happen I'd be ignoring her as I do not want to start getting into some 3 way co parenting relationship with her.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pckitin · 10/08/2022 15:09

Endlesslypatient82 · 10/08/2022 15:05

Why not the number?

Say DH had a serious accident / injury, and children with the op - how would the op contact her?

Show quote history

DSC have phones as I said in my OP.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pckitin · 10/08/2022 15:12

Endlesslypatient82 · 10/08/2022 14:54

DH. We've always been civil face to face and I've never spoken to her directly as I've not felt any need and seemingly neither has she until now.

confused . When you met face to face, you have not communicated directly with each other?

I explained in a later post. I wasn't very clear in my OP. I meant we've never sought out direct contact. We have met naturally at pick ups/parties and the like and have exchanged polite conversation but we have never directly contacted one another.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pckitin · 10/08/2022 15:14

she might have something specific she wants to talk to you about

I don't see what it could be. If it's about DSC it should be going through their father imo.

OP posts:
Hiddenvoice · 10/08/2022 15:15

Don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask for your phone number, as you are caring for her child.
I have friends who are good friends with his ex. They share a child together so regularly go out dad with new wife and mum with new husband. It’s not like a big extended family. I know this wouldn’t work for everyone based on past experiences and history but it works for them. Both mum and step mum have struck up a good friendship and it’s lovely for the little boy to see his parents being close without them being together.
There may be a hidden agenda there but there might not. She could be lonely and just looking for some friends.

Swipe left for the next trending thread