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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To just not want to be friends with this woman?

130 replies

Pckitin · 10/08/2022 13:27

My husband has children with his ex girlfriend, we have been together for 5 years now, married for 2 and I get on with DSC very well. They are 9 and 11. We also have DC together.

My husband's ex is okay... She's not the worst but there have been times when I've been a bit Hmm at the things she's done or said to DH. We've always been civil face to face and I've never spoken to her directly as I've not felt any need and seemingly neither has she until now.

My husband told me yesterday that she has requested my telephone number and suggested via him that maybe we should get together sometime for a drink.

I'm actually a bit taken aback as she's not really expressed any desire like this in the past. We've been civil as I say, we've had brief pleasant conversations at events like birthday parties or pick up but that's it.

I don't want to sound petty but my immediate response is no. Apparently the telephone number thing was said with the excuse that I look after DSC sometimes so she should be able to contact me. And the drink thing... Who knows the motivation.

Firstly, if there is a problem she can contact my husband who can contact me and secondly DSC has a phone so not really any need for her to need my number imo. I don't want this being open to requests or questions etc .. anything I do to help my husband out with childcare (not that regular) is between me and him and I've no desire to be contactable by her when she maybe needs something. I'm not part of their co parenting arrangements.

But most importantly, I just have no desire to be friends with this woman. I don't want to go for drinks or to discuss my life with her, the way things are now is fine with me. Everyone rubs along okay for the most part and, as I say, there have been times where I've found her behaviour questionable and she just isn't someone I want to be particularly friendly with.

What say you MN?

OP posts:
Endlesslypatient82 · 10/08/2022 15:16

Pckitin · 10/08/2022 15:14

she might have something specific she wants to talk to you about

I don't see what it could be. If it's about DSC it should be going through their father imo.

But what if dh has been involved in an accident? Not contactable?

Blowthemandown · 10/08/2022 15:27

@Pckitin I know what you mean and you ANBU but will your phone hold another sim?

Otherwise she can message you on facebook messenger and call you without being friends on FB? You might have to look in spam for her first message though. That means can call and message without number.

Blowthemandown · 10/08/2022 15:28

Also @Pckitin I would meet with her once then you’ve been polite and had a chat and can agree things about the kids - she may just want to know who parents her kids?

WitchesSpells · 10/08/2022 15:30

I’m with you OP I think it’s weird and unnecessary. You aren’t a third parent contrary to what people suggest on here. And ultimately when you aren’t in a relationship with your children’s other parent you need to accept there will be people in their life who are not part of your own. I don’t think there’s any given right to know them well or have their number. If she is so adamant she needs your number while you look after DC then I’d just take a step back from childcare.

Mally100 · 10/08/2022 15:34

I don't know why posters are so desperate that you befriend her. Their father is managing that part of his parenting relationship with her perfectly fine, the kids are happy so what else is there to talk about?

Buythebag40 · 10/08/2022 15:36

LaPerduta · 10/08/2022 13:31

Could there be something specific she wants to talk to you about directly, rather than wanting to strike up a friendship?

I reckon it's this. She wants to tell you all about her experience of him probably. Maybe to stir up trouble, maybe she feels she has something valid to tell you.

But I think it's strange of her to suggest it too - though I guess if your dh had something to hide he would be discouraging you to meet her?

0live · 10/08/2022 15:38

I agree with you OP. You are entitled to have your boundaries.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 10/08/2022 15:39

I think you’re making this a bit of a drama. If you are looking after her children, of course she should have a way of communicating with you. Why not?

KettrickenSmiled · 10/08/2022 15:43

dizzydizzydizzy · 10/08/2022 13:37

It can only help the DSC if you are all in touch with each other. Maybe give this drink thing a try. You don's have much to lose. If you really don't like her, no need to say her again.

No need to see her again? That would be even more awkward than simply declining to meet in the first place!

KettrickenSmiled · 10/08/2022 15:47

Not everybody has a hidden agenda, you sound a bit paranoid. If you don't want to be friends that's completely understandable, but perhaps she just wants to get to know you a bit better

But OP doesn't want to get to know HER better.
Do women have to accept overtures from people they don't want to socialise with, just to satisfy the overture-maker? Why?

Nowhereelsetogo90 · 10/08/2022 15:56

The drink thing seems weird and a bit unnecessary. Surely having the number of the person caring for your DC is normal though? My DSDs Mum has my number and we send the occasional photo or question etc.

Krakinou · 10/08/2022 15:56

I can’t imagine marrying some with children and not accepting the parenting responsibility that comes with that. Your step kids are young. I wonder how they feel when they’re staying at your home, seeing you be a real mother to their siblings whilst maintaining a relationship with them like a babysitter commissioned by your husband.

It’s completely normal that she would want to have your number and know who you are as a person. You don’t have to be best mates with everyone in your contact list. Don’t you want to know that information about parents of your children’s, eg before a sleepover?

Imagine if you and your husband broke up. Would you be comfortable with your young children having a new stepmother who you couldn’t even contact directly?

MzHz · 10/08/2022 16:01

viques · 10/08/2022 14:03

You both liked the same man, chances are there are other things you have in common. What harm will a coffee do?

Maybe too she has something to tell you that she doesn’t want to discuss via your OH .

My oh ex tried this.

she tried a bit too hard. My instincts were totally pricked when she said she wanted 15mins alone with me…

i wrote a letter that assured her that I was happy to treat her dc as i would wish my dc to be treated and if there was any queries etc to direct them to the dc dad.

I left zero room to have her come back to me. The next time her dc came down they handed me a note from her. The dc was nervous and shaking

i took the envelope then binned it unopened that night.

she was trying something, she was definitely trying to ruin things or plant seeds of doubt.

i may be projecting but @Pckitin if your instincts are telling you that this isn’t what you want to do, then tell h that it’s best that things stay the way they are, thank her for the offer of the drink however Compartmentalising these kinds of things is for the best and you’d prefer not to blur the boundaries.

theremustonlybeone · 10/08/2022 16:05

Given this is a new request I would be suspicious. She is trying to befriend you now which would worry me that she is wanting more from you . Has she got changes coming up with work?

Boohisspiss · 10/08/2022 16:05

Slightly different take. Maybe she wants your number and added the drink element to make it sound friendlier. She may never want to actually go either.

ElizabethinherGermanGarden · 10/08/2022 16:07

I felt similarly to you but once I became friendlier with my ex-husband's ex-wife, a huge number of awkwardnesses suddenly sorted themselves out and slotted into place. It's worth considering.

Of course, at that point the ex-husband revealed his true twat colours, but you can't have everything.

Marvellousmadness · 10/08/2022 16:07

You sound paranoid
And a little jealous...

And not wanting to give your phone number? Rediculous
She needs to be able to contact YOU when you have her kids. And vice versa.

You are being difficult. Out of insecurity about her

SuperPets · 10/08/2022 16:07

At the end of the day, children or not, she is the ex girlfriend of my husband, I think it's quite normal not to want to be super involved with an ex of your husband

She's the mother of your stepchildren. That's SO much more than an ex girlfriend of his and I find it odd you insist on thinking of her in those terms.

Rodion · 10/08/2022 16:07

I don't think she's done anything wrong. It potentially sounds likw a friendly and nice thing to do, depending on her motives. But I would be a bit annoyed (probably unfairly) in your position. Everything has been ticking over nicely but now she wants more contact with you - you're forced to either go along with it or say no thanks, which comes across as slightly hostile.

I suppose you could share the number. If you start getting messages about childcare you can just have a stock response of 'I won't be able to help but I've forwarded it to DH for you'. I'm sure she wouldn't continue for long if it's clear that everything child related goes through him.

As for the coffee I can't decide. It might be helpful as the kids get into complicated teenage years to have a better relationship with her. But plenty manage without so its hardly essential. I guess I'd probably feel compelled to go on this occasion as she's asked, but would absolutely not be making it a regular chummy event if I didn't want to.

MzHz · 10/08/2022 16:08

Boohisspiss · 10/08/2022 16:05

Slightly different take. Maybe she wants your number and added the drink element to make it sound friendlier. She may never want to actually go either.

But she doesn’t need it!

Fushiadreams · 10/08/2022 16:12

You come across as actually angry. She’s not after yer man, stand down. You can be friendly with her or not.

AnneLovesGilbert · 10/08/2022 16:16

You’re entitled to your boundaries. Anything she has to say about their kids can be said to your husband. You get to choose your own friends and no one should have your number unless you choose to give it to them.

The posters giving you stick would be the ones screeching for you to back off if you were suggesting trying to be mates or swap numbers with your husband’s ex. They’d say she didn’t choose you to be part of her life and it’s the two parents to arrange anything relaying to the kids.

Fink · 10/08/2022 16:17

The drink could go either way, but you're within your rights to just say you don't fancy it. But the phone number sounds completely standard. Yes, the kids have their own phones, but they're too young to be a reliable means of communication in an emergency. Going through your DH is fine for things with no urgency, but not for urgent situations. No way would I have accepted my kids at 9 and 11 being left with someone whom I had no way of contacting.

georgarina · 10/08/2022 16:19

Pckitin · 10/08/2022 14:29

No idea what you mean by this. Me saying I don't want to be friends with her is not acting like a badge of anything, it's just stating a fact Confused

Show quote history

It's just the way you're describing it in such an OTT way.

Like, SHE wants to be friends with ME, but I don't want to be friends with HER.

Like, ok, that's fine then. Decline the suggestion. It's not a big deal.

aSofaNearYou · 10/08/2022 16:27

YANBU OP and I think you've been very wise in everything you've said. She clearly is already the sort to want to ask for favours from you and giving her your number will only invite her to do this first hand.

To all those saying it's not unreasonable for her to ask for your number - she can ask, but she cannot expect it. You have every right to decide who your number is given to regardless of the small chance there might be an emergency. Your DH has her number and if he's incapacitated, your DSC do. You already have access to HER number, and it's highly unlikely there could ever be an emergency that would mean she needs to contact you.

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